BLOOD AND HUMAN MEAT

Phobia from the perspective of a girl named Khushi.Written by a friend who finally decided to tell her story.

I love animals.26Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3JWhREzcD6
I really do.But I can’t go near them. Not because I’m scared of them—But because I’m scared of me.26Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGl4VlECm5S
I’ve always had this... space inside me.An emptiness that hums. It feels cold and loud and quiet all at once.I try to ignore it. But sometimes it whispers.26Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwtKS7zctcM
And sometimes, it screams.

I remember the first time it really happened.One second I was laughing with my younger brother—The next, I was slamming his head into the table.Again.And again.And again.Until he stopped moving.26Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXDzuqfAcAP
I didn’t want to.But I couldn’t stop.When it was over, I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe.That was the day I knew: something was wrong with me.

It got worse.I started craving blood. Not in a fantasy way. In a physical way.I imagined tearing into the people I loved.My parents.My friends.Alive.26Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡARmRLEGrIT
Their skin. Their smell. Their muscles pulling away from bone.26Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0cmMTvmBuQ
I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I stopped touching anyone.To keep them safe, I hurt myself.Scratched my skin raw.Bruised my own body with blunt objects.I counted 110 scars across my legs, my arms, my torso—like tally marks in a prison I built myself.26Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHSR6FxnQej
I didn’t want to die.I wanted to be caged.

For one year, I rotted quietly.26Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFmuUYD14GE
Then one night, I caught myself watching my father with a hunger in my eyes that terrified me.26Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRf4Aw2L3BS
I left home the next day.

I moved into a PG far from the city.I begged for a single room. Didn’t get it.Luckily, my roommates were never there when I was.It was like the world was giving me space to fall apart.26Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ53P53F4Op
I tried to die seven times.26Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdhMJ6ukpos
Jumped from a balcony.Held a knife to my throat.Grabbed a live wire.Stood in front of speeding cars.I always failed. Some part of me—just a thread—held on.26Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1pjY8WvSef
But the cravings didn’t stop.So I bought handcuffs. Three of them.Every night, I locked my wrists and ankles together before bed, just in case.26Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnGFoMl8R6o
I didn’t want to become a monster in my sleep.

Six months later, I stood naked in front of a mirror and counted the injuries again.26Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7lHxlkfcdQ
There were more now.Too many to hide.Too many to keep living like this.26Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr1w3lN14il
So I asked for help.

The psychologist listened. Didn’t flinch.He said my obsession with blood and flesh was a twisted coping mechanism.A need for control.A desperate scream for power in a world where I once felt powerless.26Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4fngeXcLir
He said something inside me had snapped long ago.Something I'd never been taught to name.26Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqbmYLD1uPg
Now I’ve been in treatment for three months.26Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmuCatZ8Glv
Still breathing.Still afraid.26Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpUNosQ8Puw
Still me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be "better."I don’t even know what “better” looks like.26Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Z9rLIQCLq
But at least now, the monster isn’t hiding.It’s sitting across from me in the mirror.And we’re learning how to live together—without killing anyone.26Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnR0mmnMRos
Not today.Not again.

[Optional Epilogue: From an Outsider’s Eyes]

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She talks like she’s made of glass, but her eyes are iron.You wouldn’t know what she’s survived unless she told you. You wouldn’t believe her even if she did.But I do. Because sometimes the ones who scare themselves the most… are the ones still trying to protect the world from their darkness.26Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGBPKZfKLjD

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BLOOD AND HUMAN MEAT

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