BLOOD AND HUMAN MEAT

Phobia from the perspective of a girl named Khushi.Written by a friend who finally decided to tell her story.

I love animals.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkgRGF4AUUt
I really do.But I can’t go near them. Not because I’m scared of them—But because I’m scared of me.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt7k2bWt68b
I’ve always had this... space inside me.An emptiness that hums. It feels cold and loud and quiet all at once.I try to ignore it. But sometimes it whispers.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnd97PEAnjL
And sometimes, it screams.

I remember the first time it really happened.One second I was laughing with my younger brother—The next, I was slamming his head into the table.Again.And again.And again.Until he stopped moving.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqAShQHDRjJ
I didn’t want to.But I couldn’t stop.When it was over, I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe.That was the day I knew: something was wrong with me.

It got worse.I started craving blood. Not in a fantasy way. In a physical way.I imagined tearing into the people I loved.My parents.My friends.Alive.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ16dLoBNLnZ
Their skin. Their smell. Their muscles pulling away from bone.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMHMO3KDtrG
I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I stopped touching anyone.To keep them safe, I hurt myself.Scratched my skin raw.Bruised my own body with blunt objects.I counted 110 scars across my legs, my arms, my torso—like tally marks in a prison I built myself.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdWMFH2EUQ8
I didn’t want to die.I wanted to be caged.

For one year, I rotted quietly.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtPOYYvzn7o
Then one night, I caught myself watching my father with a hunger in my eyes that terrified me.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5SCDep3x9E
I left home the next day.

I moved into a PG far from the city.I begged for a single room. Didn’t get it.Luckily, my roommates were never there when I was.It was like the world was giving me space to fall apart.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCT5RGzi5RG
I tried to die seven times.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xHFbvKcON
Jumped from a balcony.Held a knife to my throat.Grabbed a live wire.Stood in front of speeding cars.I always failed. Some part of me—just a thread—held on.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvXww963qbw
But the cravings didn’t stop.So I bought handcuffs. Three of them.Every night, I locked my wrists and ankles together before bed, just in case.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU8La4LxMym
I didn’t want to become a monster in my sleep.

Six months later, I stood naked in front of a mirror and counted the injuries again.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtflhzYnguP
There were more now.Too many to hide.Too many to keep living like this.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7z4zMWBi15
So I asked for help.

The psychologist listened. Didn’t flinch.He said my obsession with blood and flesh was a twisted coping mechanism.A need for control.A desperate scream for power in a world where I once felt powerless.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLb4tl1dc4K
He said something inside me had snapped long ago.Something I'd never been taught to name.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0NJQECKcxl
Now I’ve been in treatment for three months.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPZOjcLG5Nr
Still breathing.Still afraid.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYJ0weLcTJP
Still me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be "better."I don’t even know what “better” looks like.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Vq2UIjRD4
But at least now, the monster isn’t hiding.It’s sitting across from me in the mirror.And we’re learning how to live together—without killing anyone.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyfE6cPPJNG
Not today.Not again.

[Optional Epilogue: From an Outsider’s Eyes]

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She talks like she’s made of glass, but her eyes are iron.You wouldn’t know what she’s survived unless she told you. You wouldn’t believe her even if she did.But I do. Because sometimes the ones who scare themselves the most… are the ones still trying to protect the world from their darkness.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0yVmncMbNe

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BLOOD AND HUMAN MEAT

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