BLOOD AND HUMAN MEAT
Phobia from the perspective of a girl named Khushi.Written by a friend who finally decided to tell her story.
I love animals.367Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEuCewpZIos
I really do.But I can’t go near them. Not because I’m scared of them—But because I’m scared of me.367Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡauN1Lnwfwf
I’ve always had this... space inside me.An emptiness that hums. It feels cold and loud and quiet all at once.I try to ignore it. But sometimes it whispers.367Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYZtiUtOuCp
And sometimes, it screams.
I remember the first time it really happened.One second I was laughing with my younger brother—The next, I was slamming his head into the table.Again.And again.And again.Until he stopped moving.367Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkKAZJf76bz
I didn’t want to.But I couldn’t stop.When it was over, I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe.That was the day I knew: something was wrong with me.
It got worse.I started craving blood. Not in a fantasy way. In a physical way.I imagined tearing into the people I loved.My parents.My friends.Alive.367Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZxeu0I38qO
Their skin. Their smell. Their muscles pulling away from bone.367Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8AtGMqmazN
I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I stopped touching anyone.To keep them safe, I hurt myself.Scratched my skin raw.Bruised my own body with blunt objects.I counted 110 scars across my legs, my arms, my torso—like tally marks in a prison I built myself.367Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjFPaOxVTv6
I didn’t want to die.I wanted to be caged.
For one year, I rotted quietly.367Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJAAvnjosBB
Then one night, I caught myself watching my father with a hunger in my eyes that terrified me.367Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBsntF1vSlh
I left home the next day.
I moved into a PG far from the city.I begged for a single room. Didn’t get it.Luckily, my roommates were never there when I was.It was like the world was giving me space to fall apart.367Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCEEWXsC2vG
I tried to die seven times.367Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnbHNzSEgCY
Jumped from a balcony.Held a knife to my throat.Grabbed a live wire.Stood in front of speeding cars.I always failed. Some part of me—just a thread—held on.367Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP3LWg5zgZY
But the cravings didn’t stop.So I bought handcuffs. Three of them.Every night, I locked my wrists and ankles together before bed, just in case.367Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjAL3yPiFjQ
I didn’t want to become a monster in my sleep.
Six months later, I stood naked in front of a mirror and counted the injuries again.367Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmx5b9vfmwE
There were more now.Too many to hide.Too many to keep living like this.367Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBReqnCSei6
So I asked for help.
The psychologist listened. Didn’t flinch.He said my obsession with blood and flesh was a twisted coping mechanism.A need for control.A desperate scream for power in a world where I once felt powerless.367Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxw5XHcR5ro
He said something inside me had snapped long ago.Something I'd never been taught to name.367Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1cMEsjdF1u
Now I’ve been in treatment for three months.367Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPvGUT28sS2
Still breathing.Still afraid.367Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ72mqHsI5zS
Still me.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be "better."I don’t even know what “better” looks like.367Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡavEB8gtQ3x
But at least now, the monster isn’t hiding.It’s sitting across from me in the mirror.And we’re learning how to live together—without killing anyone.367Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxRbnKggJH1
Not today.Not again.
[Optional Epilogue: From an Outsider’s Eyes]
367Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSZAFGO2zLlShe talks like she’s made of glass, but her eyes are iron.You wouldn’t know what she’s survived unless she told you. You wouldn’t believe her even if she did.But I do. Because sometimes the ones who scare themselves the most… are the ones still trying to protect the world from their darkness.367Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIux7HMM7ic
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