Dear God - Dear God

Dear God,

I don’t know how to believe.

I’m tired of pretending I do.

I’ve tried to find You.

I read the Bible. I highlighted every line that felt like it might mean something.

I asked questions. I said prayers. I sat in chapel and listened so intently I memorized the words.

And for a second, I really thought I felt You. I really thought You were there.

My heart was pounding. I almost cried.

Was that You?

Was that just emotion?

Was I lying to myself without realizing it? To cope with myself?

I don’t hate You. I haven’t given up.

But I don’t know how to love You. And I don’t know how to keep going.

I want to. I really do.

I want to believe.

I want to feel something again.

I thought I was doing it all right.

So why do I feel nothing?

Why do I feel like I’m standing outside the faith everyone else holds so easily?

Why does their belief come like breathing — and mine feels like drowning?

They say it’s simple.

But it’s not.

It’s not simple when you’re sitting alone, begging for a voice and getting silence.

It’s not simple when you’re scared you’re making it all up just to feel less alone.

I want a reason to stay.

A reason to live.

A reason to keep reaching out.

I want to be held by something real.

I want You to be real.

I just need something, God.

Anything.

Because I feel like I’m aimlessly wandering in a dream I’m not sure is a nightmare.

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