Who knows what true loneliness is - not the conventional word but the naked terror? To the lonely themselves it wears a mask. The most miserable outcast hugs some memory or some illusion. ~ Joseph Conrad811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtLhkd0Edbi
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To this day you still weren’t quite sure of what had drawn you to him in the first place.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsKjBvNbxD6
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And there was a forlorn part of your soul that still refused to accept it. The part of you that had grown so accustomed to the loneliness you had seemed to be cursed with in your youth. It hadn’t been your fault, you just hadn’t known how to talk to people. They were confusing creatures to you; perplexed by the simplest of concepts and always concerned with things that were undeniably petty. The fact that your voice had a tendency to crack when confronted by others did not much help your case either.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMingcRwZAn
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As a result, your schooling years had been rough at best. And it was then during your adolescence that you developed your dependency on gestures, motions, and written notes to convey yourself to others. People couldn’t make fun of you if you never opened your mouth.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJJdXHh3d4M
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Eventually you found yourself a job as a pencil-pusher for a local business firm. It wasn’t particularly glamorous, but it had enabled you to support yourself without being forced to talk to people.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡttBp9DqghA
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During your lunch hours you liked to frequent a café only a few miles away from your work. It was homely at best, neither glamorous nor rundown to the point where its foundations had begun to break apart. It was a family owned business, run by a woman and her grandmother for about twenty years before you became a regular customer of theirs. You had a table by the window that you would always sit at. Where you would contentedly indulge yourself in one of the various sweets the small establishment offered with a side order of coffee, black as you liked it. Sometimes you would linger a bit longer than you should have, so you could watch the other customers; watch how they socialized with one another. You watched college frat boys mumble about their upcoming midterms that none of them had spent time preparing for, you watched the young, high school girls giggle and swoon over the older boys in their grade, and you watched burgeoning couples hold each other’s hand as they shared one of the cafe’s delightful tortes.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9q3uMqyGkB
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You left only when the sights became too much for you, when your heart became filled with such a sense of loneliness that not even you could handle. Only then would you drive back towards the monotony of your job, where the pain of your lifelong predicament was no longer quite as obvious as it had been an hour ago.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIEQpnE8aZ8
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This routine of yours lasted until one December afternoon, when you arrived to find a man seated at your usual spot beside the window. He did not turn to look at you, his attention divided between his observation of the passerby that strolled past the window and the ministrations he made with the hand that had settled itself on the head of the cane that was tightly held to his side. A waitress turned to look at you for a moment after she had set down his order of coffee, taking in the visible signs of discomfort that had begun to etch their way across every inch of your face. She offered you a small smile, but left you all the same.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHA8ty9KyL9
People always left you.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYral4M3Evs
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Swallowing the bundle of nerves that had begun to writhe in your throat, you looked towards the other tables. They were full, filled with masses of people laughing and chatting as if it were 1999 again.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaLuOswNZ7o
"Would you mind if I sat here?" You decided you would use your voice this time. And how you wished you hadn’t as the words lifted themselves from your tongue one-by-one, inch-by-inch. They were filled with cracks. And you could only bite your tongue in order to avoid further embarrassment.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNGcziWJWDp
He didn't seem to take notice of your voice. He glanced towards you out of the corner of his eye, barely straining his gaze from the window to acknowledge your presence before nodding his head ever so slightly to tell you it made no difference to him.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbtUuULdxre
Gently, you eased yourself into the seat opposite of him, pulling out a book that you had brought with you as you waited for the waitress to bring you your usual order of coffee. Hidden behind the pages you took the time to observe him. He looked out-of-place at the homely establishment, the sizable price tag that you knew must have been attached to the suit and tie he wore seemed to suggest a penchant for something a bit more grandiose. But more than anything your eyes lingered on that rather ostentatious cane that he kept by his side. He did not appear as if he were particularly aged; hard lines had not become impressed into his skin, nor did he have that same labored breathing that some of your older co-workers did.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡopGZ2Rziel
Then, why does he need a cane?811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB0HpEY31bp
The curiosity ate away at you as you sat there, but you never said anything. You were doubtful he would appreciate your prying into his personal affairs, and you had already embarrassed yourself enough with your voice for one day.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvaLFjbHl0t
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You did not have to stew with your incessant curiosity for long, as he eased himself out from his seat not more than ten minutes after you had arrived. You glanced at him furtively from between the pages of the book you had been pretending to have been engrossed in for the last ten minutes, taking note of the slight stagger in his step as he ambled his way out of the tiny cafe. Some of the other patrons’ faces construed into expressions of pity, while others simply remained apathetic to the matter.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8KuIdlQTRM
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Yours took on one of uncertainty.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡviYr944YcD
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Your eyes lingered on his exiting form, and took notice of him once more as his path took him by the window you sat beside. Your curiosity of him and his predicament had burrowed itself deep into your heart, stirring the eggs of butterflies you had forgotten had nestled themselves inside the very arteries of your heart.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIOINWaV9Ww
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After silently thanking the waitress for your coffee in your usual manner, you found yourself filled with a sense of longing.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCW4Q6Z2TF7
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You hoped that fate would allow you to see him again.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvrfGEbO3hk
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It appeared that he had a preference for Tuesdays. Those were the days you always saw him.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsaMRXOZ6wX
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Despite the fact that there was no interaction between the two of you, a part of you began to look forward to the days you saw him. Your Tuesdays became just a little bit brighter after seeing him. Although you could never quite pinpoint why being in his presence lifted your mood as it did.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9UaldcWUic
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Gradually, you found yourself sneaking glances toward him from the rim of your coffee mug, or from the pages of whatever book you had been assigned to read for your therapy. Your curiosity had not dwindled since the day you had first laid your eyes on him, but you were unwilling to let him hear those God-awful cracks in your voice ever again.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDb7MuJ1e7L
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So you satisfied yourself with the occasional scrutinizing glance, during which you tried to deduce all you could of the man from his outward appearance.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFcgwUrNoMH
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You noticed he was always turned to the side, away from you, his eyes towards the window that neighbored the two of you, the other patrons of the establishment, or perhaps even lost in his own thoughts. One of his hands always rested on the glittering head of the cane he kept tethered to his side. You noticed sometimes he would grip it a bit tighter than normal. A subtle observation at best, one you noticed only from the tiny twitch of muscles embedded in his hand. But you knew it was a nervous habit. You had traded your voice for a keen eye when you were a child, and by then you had had several years to perfect your skill.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2luTQAEVw6
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Of course you could never see any farther than that, he was too good to allow you to peek beneath his skin so easily. Those moments of nervousness, from where they originated you still had no idea, lasted for brief seconds. By then he had regained whatever composure he had lost, his posture relaxed and oozing of a man who knew he held a position of power in the world.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgUPlY8IEJ0
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Sometimes, when your nose was pressed deep into one of the many books you seemed to constantly lug around with you all the time, he would spare you a glance. He would do so discreetly, just as you did with him, although you were a bit easier to read than he was.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnEQoHJ4jwp
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There was an overwhelming wave of shyness that seemed to pervade your very being, as if you would much rather hide in a dark corner than be in the homely little café where people laughed and chatted as if there were nothing better to do. He could tell from the way you leafed through the pages of your books, as you often did it frenetically, peering up from the pages only to bury yourself back within them in a matter of seconds.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlPuQ8W2Opz
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He’d have forgotten you by now if it weren’t for the fact you decided it was your job to sit opposite of him every week. In fact, your silence made it incredibly easy to forget you were even there; he only took notice of you again whenever the waitress stopped by to hand you your order as you shuffled around in your bag for the notepad you always wrote and tore a page from to hand to the woman.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡis4JXBfb98
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He had heard your voice only once since he’d started frequenting the café as a means to escape the hectic business of the asylum. By now it was a faint memory. He could only remember how your face had twisted into such an expression of pure agony once you allowed the words to slip out from your throat.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjoq9fTRm8i
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He had thought little of it until now, now that he had become curious of you. Curious of the creature that had made it their habit to accompany him during his weekly visits to the establishment.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF3vvyWzzAm
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He isn’t a man that’s used to the company of others, at least not for reasons other than business. The nurses and orderlies of his asylum whisper about him when they think he can’t hear them, speaking of him as they would a snake that had wormed itself into the heartland. And while he’s become prone to eating dinner with Hannibal Lecter since his evisceration, it’s not on a friendly basis. It only exists because of their shared background in psychiatry, and of course, the matter of Will Graham.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcySzpcfd04
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If he’s going to be completely honest with himself, he’s almost forgotten what the term means entirely. Friendship is not something he’s been graced with. But he’s had time, years, to grow accustomed to the fact. It’s gotten to the point where it scarcely affects him anymore. Perhaps there’s a pang when he noticed others his age in such a state of bliss at the joy their companions brought them. But, that was more of envy than anything else (something he’s begun to experience more and more since his experience with Gideon in the observatory, although he’d never admit he’s allowed himself to become indulgent in such petty thoughts.)811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyyoXqOkTBY
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He’s come to think of you as a constant in his life. One that he welcomed over his inmates’ newfound pastime of making passing comments about the sudden limp in his leg since the incident.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡonfUwqkxEA
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Not to say you weren’t still infinitely perplexing to him, but he took what solace he could derive from your company. No matter how brief and seemingly unsatisfying it must have seemed to others.811Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsCMoaaKiK2
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