Like every morning after the shared breakfast, we have to attend the sitting circle. It's routine, so I don't really mind. Still, I feel nothing afterwards.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡArnwIwikwO
We sit in a circle, in the same robes as always, on the same cushions, with the same faces.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfna6F6MUVZ
Sister Agnes begins, as always, with the same sentence. She probably dreams it by now:20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqnV3SM5DDB
"The light within us may shine again today." And she strikes the same tone on the singing bowl.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ97xsg8twbg
Some frequency that's supposed to open the heart chakra, or so we've been told.
I nod, smile, like everyone else. My smile is genuine this time. Not because Sister Agnes is especially stirring, but because I remember how you used to imitate her when no one was looking. How you once said that with all that overly colorful makeup on her wrinkled skin, she looked like a clown.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVu9cAcHaTa
Her line about the light within us echoes briefly in my mind. Not because of its meaning, but because I wonder how many times I've heard it. I don't know. But I think it's a thousand times too many.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8jaCR1GRAR
I don't know what's growing inside me, but it's not light. My heart remains closed, despite the frequency.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVedYAlryZe
Sometimes I sit there and observe my hands while Sister Agnes preaches.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEXi165npCE
I look at the curved blue veins, the white knuckles, the slight tremble in my left index finger.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBojlrtOTaM
I think of you, Sybelle. Then of your delicate hands. Of your laugh when you exaggerated again, just to give me courage.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡguVb6Ln092
Now it's quiet. Since you've been gone, it's quiet.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Zdlgic3gt
Not on the outside. Out there, our community hums like always, like a beehive on too much caffeine and false confidence. But inside me, it's gone quiet.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXh7mp6HcOB
And not in the good way.
After the sitting circle comes what they call "Free Space." I call it mandatory leisure. A time when we're supposed to "cultivate our inner light."20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy5gtia9eDr
There's a list of suggestions that never changes. Gardening. Mindful walking. Reading texts by Felix.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjXP2NQDfBM
I usually pick walking on nice days, because then I can think whatever I want without anyone noticing.
The path leads past the trailers, with signs that say:20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUaSfvwNaWu
20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbl4aL7qHtx
"Everything is growth"20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJCp1btxr0y
"Anger is the teacher of impatience"20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSrlYYgrafh
I used to try to understand those lines. And for a while, I thought I did. Now I try to tune them out. To me, they sound like a TV on static in the background.
Some in the community scatter flower petals on the path we walk, barefoot, heads bowed.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAdQlwj1lV7
Our leader, Felix Hartmann, orders fresh flowers every day, their blossoms are scattered on the ground we walk on, to "celebrate life."20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoWscDF9WPl
The flowers we scatter once had roots. Bees danced over them. The wind whispered around them. Now they lie still, decoratively dismantled, on a path that's meant to celebrate life.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU5TyWGPIiF
I wonder what part of that is alive.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy5LlL5efqD
Like cutting open a vein to celebrate the blood.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQfF8sGSk3L
It's so pointless. But my brothers and sisters seem happy, and maybe that's the point.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLVhUH6b93a
There is no other point in this community.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQBliNQNg7n
I know their names and greet them like always.
Today I stop in front of the pond. A small, lifeless place. Too still.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqpoBNgF61v
The water reflects my face, but not my feeling.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Z5DZXobDG
I look like a good son, a loyal member of the community, an honorable man.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcrbPxUUGNA
Whatever that's supposed to mean.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl1iVX9sJQp
I thought, if you hold yourself together long enough, you start to believe that's character.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM67HCb7BzI
I don't believe that anymore.
Sister Agnes wishes me a "radiant day" as she walks by.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ15CgG48rZK
I smile. Even suppress a laugh when I see her. The preaching clown in a robe.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcnNtjWUa5c
And at the same time, I wonder what a radiant day is supposed to feel like when the light is missing on the inside.
I decide to go to the car workshop. My workplace.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkf1VvMNY2Q
Brother Karl took me on as an apprentice a few years ago, and I just stayed there, fixing cars. He's glad for the help. Not because I especially like cars. But because in the workshop, silence is allowed without being interpreted as something spiritual.
In the workshop, I can just... be. Covered in oil, silent, with dirty hands.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnikTbODUiO
I don't have to interpret anything as "inner imbalance." It's just dirt.
Karl runs the workshop. He doesn't talk much, which I like.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPuQOdR8J05
When he speaks, it's as if every word has to pass through his own personal filter made of steel wool.
Today he shows me how to change a drive belt on one of the old community vans.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvYSdbiE3xa
I listen, but I'm also thinking of you, Sybelle.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiyLuYZP2bs
You would have mimicked him. His slow, deliberate tone. The way he taps the wrench with his fingers like it's his personal meditation instrument.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP4B3WbAwvJ
I have to be careful not to laugh out loud.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU9KC2BxhDw
I miss you.
"All good with you?" he asks, without looking at me.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn4Qk7ikvuQ
I nod. He says nothing more. Silently, I thank him for that.
The workshop smells of metal and engine oil, sometimes in summer also faintly of sweat. The scent is old, heavy, honest.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMoTug0Fu6y
Not like artificial candles and cheap incense sticks in the community huts, which smell of lavender and repression.
I like working with my hands. Taking something apart. Cleaning it. Putting it back together. That makes sense. You can see when something is broken.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxAMf5xLXJF
And sometimes, you can fix it.
For me, it's the only place in the community where no one pretends everything is whole.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX0GaR7rPEE
We never talk about it. But I think Brother Karl feels the same.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkTvVxbg1Ce
When he thinks no one's looking, his smile vanishes too, and he looks pensive.
Later, Brother Karl says, "The van has to be ready for the drive tomorrow."20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi51bMhYRki
I nod again. He pats me on the shoulder. It's one of the few real touches I've felt lately. Not because it means something. But because it doesn't want to.
20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYG8Y0jEMOb
然後按「加至主畫面」