Like every morning after the shared breakfast, we have to attend the sitting circle. It's routine, so I don't really mind. Still, I feel nothing afterwards.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeatJVGZvlT
We sit in a circle, in the same robes as always, on the same cushions, with the same faces.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN6KC7yQbAK
Sister Agnes begins, as always, with the same sentence. She probably dreams it by now:418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDbssi3hB2n
"The light within us may shine again today." And she strikes the same tone on the singing bowl.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqgv3FPbdNj
Some frequency that's supposed to open the heart chakra, or so we've been told.
I nod, smile, like everyone else. My smile is genuine this time. Not because Sister Agnes is especially stirring, but because I remember how you used to imitate her when no one was looking. How you once said that with all that overly colorful makeup on her wrinkled skin, she looked like a clown.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsNrqOXFiSr
Her line about the light within us echoes briefly in my mind. Not because of its meaning, but because I wonder how many times I've heard it. I don't know. But I think it's a thousand times too many.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWmOzzKhC1G
I don't know what's growing inside me, but it's not light. My heart remains closed, despite the frequency.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa647nbeFIV
Sometimes I sit there and observe my hands while Sister Agnes preaches.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdyqqSeenpO
I look at the curved blue veins, the white knuckles, the slight tremble in my left index finger.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ2F3I44dbg
I think of you, Sybelle. Then of your delicate hands. Of your laugh when you exaggerated again, just to give me courage.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6cc9Hub1cx
Now it's quiet. Since you've been gone, it's quiet.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHjaoQARRVP
Not on the outside. Out there, our community hums like always, like a beehive on too much caffeine and false confidence. But inside me, it's gone quiet.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfeFPbWPRZw
And not in the good way.
After the sitting circle comes what they call "Free Space." I call it mandatory leisure. A time when we're supposed to "cultivate our inner light."418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ34bAMp9tQO
There's a list of suggestions that never changes. Gardening. Mindful walking. Reading texts by Felix.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB973Oey9Dv
I usually pick walking on nice days, because then I can think whatever I want without anyone noticing.
The path leads past the trailers, with signs that say:418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyJvscrboch
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOprC61LCTu
"Everything is growth"418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDP7W03K6G7
"Anger is the teacher of impatience"418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgSwrDvYREa
I used to try to understand those lines. And for a while, I thought I did. Now I try to tune them out. To me, they sound like a TV on static in the background.
Some in the community scatter flower petals on the path we walk, barefoot, heads bowed.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg0zh1zNsxF
Our leader, Felix Hartmann, orders fresh flowers every day, their blossoms are scattered on the ground we walk on, to "celebrate life."418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdof0vzpZYN
The flowers we scatter once had roots. Bees danced over them. The wind whispered around them. Now they lie still, decoratively dismantled, on a path that's meant to celebrate life.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTXqU1dZHfn
I wonder what part of that is alive.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjTbfmFkfit
Like cutting open a vein to celebrate the blood.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuDjpKJTIcA
It's so pointless. But my brothers and sisters seem happy, and maybe that's the point.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfbNdojJGY1
There is no other point in this community.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw6hsOeftfK
I know their names and greet them like always.
Today I stop in front of the pond. A small, lifeless place. Too still.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL9SSQZ6FL5
The water reflects my face, but not my feeling.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhj9ZjaAyO1
I look like a good son, a loyal member of the community, an honorable man.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEW4oU43818
Whatever that's supposed to mean.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMrx0wIU2fw
I thought, if you hold yourself together long enough, you start to believe that's character.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVy3GAU9nGv
I don't believe that anymore.
Sister Agnes wishes me a "radiant day" as she walks by.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuvslsvSojf
I smile. Even suppress a laugh when I see her. The preaching clown in a robe.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWUI01mziuP
And at the same time, I wonder what a radiant day is supposed to feel like when the light is missing on the inside.
I decide to go to the car workshop. My workplace.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhylwO9CTK1
Brother Karl took me on as an apprentice a few years ago, and I just stayed there, fixing cars. He's glad for the help. Not because I especially like cars. But because in the workshop, silence is allowed without being interpreted as something spiritual.
In the workshop, I can just... be. Covered in oil, silent, with dirty hands.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkjDjHbdm2S
I don't have to interpret anything as "inner imbalance." It's just dirt.
Karl runs the workshop. He doesn't talk much, which I like.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp3wfQUx9T0
When he speaks, it's as if every word has to pass through his own personal filter made of steel wool.
Today he shows me how to change a drive belt on one of the old community vans.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu1cgBOsaPc
I listen, but I'm also thinking of you, Sybelle.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiAKcLS2Om6
You would have mimicked him. His slow, deliberate tone. The way he taps the wrench with his fingers like it's his personal meditation instrument.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPXqkeXdihb
I have to be careful not to laugh out loud.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjz2QoAEXHD
I miss you.
"All good with you?" he asks, without looking at me.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWd4XfhxYGG
I nod. He says nothing more. Silently, I thank him for that.
The workshop smells of metal and engine oil, sometimes in summer also faintly of sweat. The scent is old, heavy, honest.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUhq5zCa2uF
Not like artificial candles and cheap incense sticks in the community huts, which smell of lavender and repression.
I like working with my hands. Taking something apart. Cleaning it. Putting it back together. That makes sense. You can see when something is broken.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMHAn1CCO9Z
And sometimes, you can fix it.
For me, it's the only place in the community where no one pretends everything is whole.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ45ME3GcalI
We never talk about it. But I think Brother Karl feels the same.418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4MAQYxH6X2
When he thinks no one's looking, his smile vanishes too, and he looks pensive.
Later, Brother Karl says, "The van has to be ready for the drive tomorrow."418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGmasNaAktm
I nod again. He pats me on the shoulder. It's one of the few real touches I've felt lately. Not because it means something. But because it doesn't want to.
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0SMoFqAsmP
and then Add to home screen.