Like every morning after the shared breakfast, we have to attend the sitting circle. It's routine, so I don't really mind. Still, I feel nothing afterwards.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMAgFGvqDVU
We sit in a circle, in the same robes as always, on the same cushions, with the same faces.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAbrwepGLoT
Sister Agnes begins, as always, with the same sentence. She probably dreams it by now:392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlT1TIB4WPo
"The light within us may shine again today." And she strikes the same tone on the singing bowl.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ81UgHHd3y
Some frequency that's supposed to open the heart chakra, or so we've been told.
I nod, smile, like everyone else. My smile is genuine this time. Not because Sister Agnes is especially stirring, but because I remember how you used to imitate her when no one was looking. How you once said that with all that overly colorful makeup on her wrinkled skin, she looked like a clown.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXw3cUeIhu9
Her line about the light within us echoes briefly in my mind. Not because of its meaning, but because I wonder how many times I've heard it. I don't know. But I think it's a thousand times too many.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRvDKYtR1Gh
I don't know what's growing inside me, but it's not light. My heart remains closed, despite the frequency.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaTXlrrsDuQ
Sometimes I sit there and observe my hands while Sister Agnes preaches.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6wW3L8vizY
I look at the curved blue veins, the white knuckles, the slight tremble in my left index finger.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrwJcwmX5Qv
I think of you, Sybelle. Then of your delicate hands. Of your laugh when you exaggerated again, just to give me courage.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Pz5wubVUw
Now it's quiet. Since you've been gone, it's quiet.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWFO2BN0CmW
Not on the outside. Out there, our community hums like always, like a beehive on too much caffeine and false confidence. But inside me, it's gone quiet.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBHk1MhjGbN
And not in the good way.
After the sitting circle comes what they call "Free Space." I call it mandatory leisure. A time when we're supposed to "cultivate our inner light."392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFT2CGtW52K
There's a list of suggestions that never changes. Gardening. Mindful walking. Reading texts by Felix.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbwJvbIg0RP
I usually pick walking on nice days, because then I can think whatever I want without anyone noticing.
The path leads past the trailers, with signs that say:392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHnMQUoWLPh
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNGN0vZZQd2
"Everything is growth"392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡERSFHxciIx
"Anger is the teacher of impatience"392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHUotHrFxHi
I used to try to understand those lines. And for a while, I thought I did. Now I try to tune them out. To me, they sound like a TV on static in the background.
Some in the community scatter flower petals on the path we walk, barefoot, heads bowed.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7UAw7x9dSh
Our leader, Felix Hartmann, orders fresh flowers every day, their blossoms are scattered on the ground we walk on, to "celebrate life."392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUJcLtrk2XG
The flowers we scatter once had roots. Bees danced over them. The wind whispered around them. Now they lie still, decoratively dismantled, on a path that's meant to celebrate life.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZZGGwaCGbE
I wonder what part of that is alive.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKGsD9LTrLb
Like cutting open a vein to celebrate the blood.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbzlHzj3Vwf
It's so pointless. But my brothers and sisters seem happy, and maybe that's the point.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhGXapvhcGM
There is no other point in this community.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCSnfFPC1Wa
I know their names and greet them like always.
Today I stop in front of the pond. A small, lifeless place. Too still.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPjKTanVKlS
The water reflects my face, but not my feeling.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdO7CVTSM7n
I look like a good son, a loyal member of the community, an honorable man.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7lOxVe8t3m
Whatever that's supposed to mean.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwHJAgcZSYg
I thought, if you hold yourself together long enough, you start to believe that's character.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF8NPIHHt0L
I don't believe that anymore.
Sister Agnes wishes me a "radiant day" as she walks by.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpOsrcMVoA4
I smile. Even suppress a laugh when I see her. The preaching clown in a robe.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn3fcsFUftw
And at the same time, I wonder what a radiant day is supposed to feel like when the light is missing on the inside.
I decide to go to the car workshop. My workplace.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvq5OVOsQHb
Brother Karl took me on as an apprentice a few years ago, and I just stayed there, fixing cars. He's glad for the help. Not because I especially like cars. But because in the workshop, silence is allowed without being interpreted as something spiritual.
In the workshop, I can just... be. Covered in oil, silent, with dirty hands.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8YqAYU8wV9
I don't have to interpret anything as "inner imbalance." It's just dirt.
Karl runs the workshop. He doesn't talk much, which I like.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNFKdwXl4IQ
When he speaks, it's as if every word has to pass through his own personal filter made of steel wool.
Today he shows me how to change a drive belt on one of the old community vans.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ54TOXUDIpQ
I listen, but I'm also thinking of you, Sybelle.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtlYEzBaO1y
You would have mimicked him. His slow, deliberate tone. The way he taps the wrench with his fingers like it's his personal meditation instrument.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbrw0sf9r56
I have to be careful not to laugh out loud.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXfdfp1ujzZ
I miss you.
"All good with you?" he asks, without looking at me.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdZfqTjLwG6
I nod. He says nothing more. Silently, I thank him for that.
The workshop smells of metal and engine oil, sometimes in summer also faintly of sweat. The scent is old, heavy, honest.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTqyRVcartq
Not like artificial candles and cheap incense sticks in the community huts, which smell of lavender and repression.
I like working with my hands. Taking something apart. Cleaning it. Putting it back together. That makes sense. You can see when something is broken.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrtPnwMCPJT
And sometimes, you can fix it.
For me, it's the only place in the community where no one pretends everything is whole.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe9so76y4hW
We never talk about it. But I think Brother Karl feels the same.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Rg9RMWKtR
When he thinks no one's looking, his smile vanishes too, and he looks pensive.
Later, Brother Karl says, "The van has to be ready for the drive tomorrow."392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9MetPBDUVf
I nod again. He pats me on the shoulder. It's one of the few real touches I've felt lately. Not because it means something. But because it doesn't want to.
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLKOD38VeOq
and then Add to home screen.