Days and nights passed. Weeks. Months.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfrzdaTXXRS
You kept me occupied. You began to discover your will, more and more each day.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPy6V8He6sO
You were perhaps twenty moons old. And I... I was tired. Not tired in the sense of exhaustion.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaTxemIlAYg
I had known that for decades. I mean tired in a way that even death could no longer soothe.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAMBY01sQMs
But I digress.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaVekxMb9di
I read more than usual at night. Not out of a thirst for knowledge. That had died long ago.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYlwvVztWjk
But because I didn't want to look at you while you slept.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN7NtYcQW3d
Your closeness reminded me of something that wasn't coming back.
At that age, you ruled with the unrelenting will of a strict queen. Your domain was the house. Your servants were defiance, volume, and the uncanny instinct to do exactly what I forbade.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQY1awOThi
I might have admired it, that unshakable insistence on self-determination, if you hadn't nearly set me on fire once.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsUH0hoa8F0
With a beam of sunlight, reflected through a little mirror clutched in your chubby hands. Deliberately. I'm sure of it.
I tried to dress you. A simple white linen shirt, delicately embroidered. Style matters. Like a name, it reflects back on me if you looked like a common urchin. I couldn't allow that disgrace.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8FQNboq7LM
You stood still. Briefly.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfP6fUuhy2F
Then you kicked me in the chest, tore the shirt off your head, and ran screaming through the house as if I'd cursed you with the plague.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSCiOaEqIKC
I thought: "Refined motor control. Perhaps she'll become a surgeon. Or an executioner."27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡigG1EmuosZ
I had stopped chasing you by then.
Later, you stood in the doorway of the study, where I was translating rare scrolls on alchemical formulas and symbols.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Iw3p7T00z
If Grell brought them to market, discreetly and under a false name, they fetched me a handsome sum, and he kept twenty percent for the trouble. I offered him more, but he refused with the words:
"More is never more, Szandor. It's only heavier to carry.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOQbIAttxLi
What you own, owns you, godbless!"
I could've strangled him for his pseudo-intellectual wisdoms, but I had only just gotten up.
He handled the worldly matters while I indulged in my curse. Silently, I was grateful for his support with you. Sometimes he brought you new dresses from the market, knitted socks from old matrons who'd once had children of their own and most importantly: fresh food.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQH6wUT6OwB
He even advised me on how to make pear or apple purée more digestible.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDqIwY2Nsur
Somehow, the frail old man fully embraced the role of grandfather.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9cep7j5s0v
I let him. Why not?27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDaiLpXVYZ2
Far as I know, he never fathered any children of his own. You liked him. More than necessary, if you asked me. You sensed that he looked at you with warmer eyes than I ever did.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbRmGK37j0W
Humans.
You were holding a spoon, your face smeared, probably with berry jam. Why?27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAWOwDRMNhu
Only your personal god of mischief knew.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhrQylY2s9w
I looked up from the parchment. Wanted to scold you. Clean you. Restore order.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnQQl6km913
But you just stared at me and said, casually: "Papa." One word. Just one. But it filled the room like fog. I froze. Blinked once. Twice.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5lMOum5Rev
"What did you say?" I asked, too softly.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7uXuOfGQdd
"Papa." You laughed. Pointed at my scrolls. You were in a playful mood. I said nothing. Got up. Took the spoon from your hand.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGeFXWnxaS7
The smell of jam reached my nose, and a fragment of a memory rose up: someone once told me they liked redcurrant jelly. I no longer know if it was from a dream or something someone actually told me, perhaps even when I was still human. I didn't follow that thought. It didn't matter.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOPQoST4bhv
"I am not your father," I finally said. You blinked in confusion. I turned away and returned to the scrolls, feather tracing over parchment. Behind me, you said it again: "Papa?"27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOGOCILzDWl
But softer this time. As if the word itself had become forbidden.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5kKgVJJ8yW
"I am not your father," I repeated. But it didn't sound convincing. It sounded like a wish.
In the background, I heard a raven shriek. I looked up.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwvmsJ6FH1t
There it stood, at the window, watching, like a silent spectator at a play.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjhpp5UtrAE
I stared back. It stared at us, far too consciously for its kind. Ravens are intelligent creatures, yes, but this? Even I found it suspicious. How long had it been there?
You squealed, came closer to the window. "Caw!" you cried. It flew off again.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxPjxdd2vhh
"That is a raven," I said with certainty.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKx3Lk4cSmK
I was meticulous in teaching your words correctly from the start. Not like the nannies who spoke to children or animals as if they were mentally deficient. How is a child's mind supposed to reach its full potential if you treat it as though it can't understand rational language?
Your language bloomed. You didn't stop. You asked questions. Endless questions.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSbYUfRXpco
Pointed everywhere with your finger, "What that?" I explained your environment with adult detachment. You'd understand eventually. There was no difference whether I spoke to Grellborn or to you. You babbled constantly. At first it was nonsense, wet sounds and gurgles. But eventually, tones emerged. Repetitions. Patterns.
I spoke to you often. But for selfish reasons. I wanted to have meaningful conversations with you someday. Discussions, philosophy. Civilized and cultivated.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQVpdh4pIdi
If you pointed at an animal in a book, I gave you the name, immediately. Not childish sounds, like nannies do. No, you learned: wolf, moon, silence.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeU7UOfktxZ
Also: hunger, thirst, and monster.
You stood barefoot on the rug in front of the fireplace, your finger raised like a little judge, jam stains on your chin.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtVqXKa74zS
"What that?" you asked.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTzToCYZsVT
Your finger pointed to my wineglass. I looked at you. Seriously. The way one looks at a judge to whom one owes an answer.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1L9gYit2sr
"That is red wine," I said. "An ancient drink for depressive creatures like me."27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO87QrAsaSJ
You nodded slowly. Then: "What in it?"27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ElncRWD6i
"Fermented life." I lifted the glass, let it swirl, and clarified: "These were once grapes. They were crushed, left to ferment, and became alcohol. A controlled form of decay, you could say."27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRDxfcDMtGG
You stared at me. I knew you hadn't understood a word of what I had just said.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEahP8GcyPP
"Too?" You meant: may I have some? I shook my head.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTqdlZxYmbZ
"No. You drink milk. Yours is warm. Mine is... fermented."27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyQQyWlyZ72
You let the topic go. For now.
The real tyranny began in the evening.
Of all your little manipulations, this was one of the earliest and... most irritating.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaLxjCs1igj
You sat in your little chair, carved from an old tree stump I had "restored" with cushions and scraps of silk.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Hj4Y8DxUL
I handed you your warmed milk, just the way you liked it, and turned away.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVYUsWstrWp
But you refused it. Completely. You crossed your arms, gave me what you seemed to think was a terrifying stare, and locked eyes with me.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQJQFXhI6Os
"No" became your favorite word.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKPXrydOpOK
"Are you trying to manipulate me?" I asked, slightly bewildered, slightly amused.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoIWi4rhR92
You squealed. And threw the bottle. Aimed straight at my face. Naturally, you missed.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7doPIlmVED
So I picked it up, marched back, sighed dramatically, sat down and held you.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSAw0nXUNRb
Not because you had softened me, mind you. No. But because if you starved yourself out of sheer stubbornness, the entire experiment would fail. And that would be... wasteful.
You drank blissfully in my arms, the bottle to your lips, grinning like an imp with a plan.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrlokRLoHPE
I thought, "This unbearable little goblin creature is toying with me."27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8RAasAVax2
And right after: "If she actually starves herself out of spite, I'll throw her into the fire and raise a wolf instead. Would be simpler." Yes, I was irritated.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbcpbzAeuDt
Your demands had no logic, no strategy. Just pure entitlement of a toddler.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfmX02wX3nH
But beneath the annoyance, something gnawed at me. Something I didn't want to name.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjCwo6dVH5j
When you finally drank, nestled in my coat, I sat there like a Madonna from one of those paintings but with dark circles under the eyes. I wasn't sentimental. Just... quiet.
Because you were content.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ455A8nBxqP
Because, for the first damned time, something under my care was thriving instead of withering.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkS0DF4iSMk
It was bitter and sweet all at once, and I had no idea what to do with that.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGkcplDZTk9
I held you. Not out of warmth. Out of function. Your little forehead rested against my chest.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2JYicRDuvK
I felt it and let it happen. Like rain you ignore because you have no protection.
While you lay in my arms, I thought of Isadora. And her letter. It had branded itself into me, resurfacing in quiet moments.
I held no real grudge against Grellborn. Not truly. He'd known me too well, even back then.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLJUdxl8etS
I wouldn't have wanted to know why she left. Not at the time.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqNu2iolhKk
I would've torn him apart. Myself. Everything around me.
And somewhere inside, I still heard her words, like a splinter I couldn't pull out, so I did what I always did: I tried to ignore it, until it fell out on its own. If it ever did.
I never understood her. She was wounded. Venomous. Bitter.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCUEDoKTxd4
A being who had murdered her creator with her bare hands. How foolish must one be to love such a thing?
She was always... dramatic in her silence. I would've preferred a fight. An honest one.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkovEEIk4Th
Screaming, words like daggers, shattered glass and accusations.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbzn60xo4nS
Tears you despise as they fall. Something that proved life.
Instead... nothing came. Only silence. Like frost flowers spreading across a windowpane.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg8JcPuIdLD
She froze when overwhelmed. She wrote when she should have spoken.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGrlDUgCYnI
She left as if decades of companionship meant nothing.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpZcaYNcFPi
And now I'm supposed to believe she left because I failed to see something?27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTMylvzka8L
She always saw herself as the eternal victim of her own circumstances.
As if I were responsible for her suffering. No. I gave her space. I never chained her, never pressured her. I was there. Always present. Never like her creator, quite the opposite.
I never wanted to be her savior. A companion, yes. But she always came with those unspoken demands: Szandor, hold me. Szandor, kiss me. Szandor, embrace me.
She never understood that I had already given everything I could give. My time. My patience. My... restraint. What more did she want? A fairytale? I was no knight, no hero. Never had been.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRFPJ8OwbwR
And I was no monster either... at least not to her. And if that wasn't enough for her, then the problem wasn't mine. So she left. And now she wants me to ask why.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfLQ0SA1R8h
I ask nothing.
Not while you lie in my arms, a small flame in a godforsaken crypt.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMKZtIhY8yD
Not while, for the first time in decades, something... stays.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeTggDEX7Ff
Not while I finally have something that isn't her.
She left a void in me. You don't fill it. But you distract me. And that's more than she ever could.
I hate her. Because she knows me. Because she left. Because I never truly had her.
And perhaps that is why I could never hold you the way a loving mother would.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl4GzHDXtb8
Not like someone who warms.27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlw7C0I6Sos
But like someone who understands that attachment is just another word for later decay.
What you own, owns you.
27Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP8HWIgmDeO
然後按「加至主畫面」