Did you know that babies possess scandalously sensitive skin?53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjCXi10FgEl
I, regrettably, did not.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsvI1nNgEVt
I once used an exotic soap. For you and your cloths. Sandalwood-scented, expensive, decadent, from a faraway land. I used it one evening to wash your linens, assuming,53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOGfAW2WesO
"This will make her smell less like... sour milk and unidentifiable bodily fluids."53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTYS1yVh0Vg
What followed was a furious, red, diabolically itchy rash across your thighs and back that had you crying non-stop for nearly two days. A rash no demon could have conjured better.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmd94xcVc3E
I was beside myself. I applied everything I had: witch salves, cold compresses, whispered apologies.
Eventually, I called Grellborn. Not because I wanted to. I had no other choice.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGOIkHF7ULW
I saw him wandering over the field to my little castle, as always, in an invisible fog of damp moss, old smoke, and the faintest memory of lavender and other herbs my sensitive nose couldn't identify.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxPZcy0wIGi
He looked you over briefly with a skilled look. Your red, irritated skin, your flailing little legs, your furious wailing. Then he looked at me. For a long time. Finally he said, "What... did you do?"53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrAIChUJJBp
"Bathed," I growled.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5TC8o7MGSz
"With what?"53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3GeVLT0fXt
I hesitated and shifted my weight from one foot to the other. "Sandalwood soap. From Al-Mahrak. I thought..."53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuQA9J4KKqS
"Of course you thought that," Grell interrupted dryly. "A baby's skin is as delicate as a spring flower. Too much sun and it wilts." He sighed in disappointment and shook his head like I'd just violated the fundamental laws of alchemy.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeOy3rKXxLJ
Then he reached into his robe and pulled out a small, greasy vial.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLn8WSso4XH
"Here. When you said she had a rash, I quickly prepared this. A concentrated infusion of oats and calendula. Pour it into her bath, soak a linen cloth in it. No magic. Just plants. Usually that's enough. Godbless"53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoNDsfR3Cv7
He handed it to me like it was the Holy Grail. I took it.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPV6EOMGbmp
And bowed... inwardly.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvycjPN4IBZ
Outwardly, I raised a single brow. He smiled. He knows that's all the humility he'll get from me.
Once your skin returned to normal, I reverted to the plainest, most boring soap I could find: unscented, colorless, uninspired. And that was perfect for you.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAL22XDPBVm
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I read deep into the night: Anatomy. Psychology. Human development. Hormones, the stages of the mind. It became part of my research. You were no longer merely a child. You were a living doctoral thesis.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlEJZOWzu4F
I read obsessively during those early months. Everything I could uncover about human development. Midwives' journals. Alchemists' charts on bodily humors. Even a musty, dust-choked scroll on the "connection between womb and spirit."
What remained with me was the theory of a long-dead scholar. He could've been Grellborn's tidy, better-smelling, academic cousin, that touch shapes the infant brain. That skin-to-skin warmth builds trust. And that neglect in the first months can permanently distort the capacity for empathy.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY4R0OJFuMr
I remember closing the book and watching you sleep by the fire.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpAY8x21xPV
"Very well," I murmured. "Let us see what cold skin makes of you."
I tested your grip. Your gaze. Your response to stimuli, as prescribed in the medical tomes. I was oddly pleased to find that you appeared completely normal. You were a healthy baby.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhCQlM5zDBD
And then, finally, you smiled. A toothless grin aimed directly at me.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7pNdnuUA53
No fear. No confusion.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAFsyAYGszL
It was pure recognition.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhbIc3JPKtU
Strange, isn't it? To be seen by a creature.
You must understand... I had centuries of knowledge. Philosophy, languages, politics, necromancy, court etiquette, even the subtleties of seduction.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRUBuXQUTtX
But... babies?53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgBHmj5GRBs
Babies are chaos incarnate, wrapped in blankets and sweetly scented.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhSaHRVyKE6
You cannot negotiate with a baby. I tried, believe me.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDl763SxHzS
I genuinely thought, "If I speak to her calmly and rationally, she'll grasp the futility of this tantrum."53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLF5P9pmml5
So I stood there saying things like, "Now, child, if you would only consider the inevitability of this diaper change..."53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRQBdFhiDYM
Screaming intensifies.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGTPZT2zUTh
They don't negotiate. They demand. Their logic is ancient and absolute. Hungry? You scream.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWft7gteBU5
Tired? Scream louder. A wisp of cold air? Summon the dead with your cries.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMq5lcKEHZn
Sleep was the most peaceful time. Yours, not mine. I sat by the fire, reading old folios, pretending not to glance over every few minutes just to make sure you were still breathing. And yes, once or twice I pressed a cold finger to your chest, just to feel the heartbeat beneath. You were that peaceful sometimes.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6GaIL6X2Vb
Pure precaution of course.
Grellborn once told me about babies who fall asleep at night and never wake up, and no one knows why. I didn't know whether it was true or if the old man was just trying to scare me.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv23tnskkTt
Sometimes, when the nights were long and the wind howled around the house, I whispered to you. Never lullabies, by all the dark gods. Never. They were stories. Of ancient cities that rose and fell. Of monsters. Of hunger and blood. I thought that if I fed your mind with my world early enough, you'd grow into it. Become something other than a fragile human. Something... mine.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEFtBtk0ayY
But it wasn't always like that.
I was naive enough to believe I could gently ease you into a kind of rhythm. A daily structure. A ritual. You sleep, I read. Everything would be neat, quiet, harmonious. I was so wrong. 53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNkBK5B3RYs
You laughed in my face. Repeatedly. At 3AM. While the moon tucked herself behind the dark clouds in what I can only assume was secondhand embarrassment, you delivered a kick to my ribs.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkvhabvyB67
Your rhythm became mine.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhLcgPCo72X
And I began to understand why sleep deprivation is used as torture.
And your tantrums? I learned quickly. I carried you against my chest, tightly swaddled, murmuring nonsense in a voice soft as dark wine... and you grew quiet. Not from affection, mind you. I suspect it was merely the rhythm of my voice. Grim, cold, but consistent. Always there. As if it were the only constant in your world.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVrRNHrPbvk
There were moments when I looked down at your sleeping face and thought: What have I done? But those thoughts passed.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡesu8owMtVK
Because you lived. And that, my little experiment, was the only victory I needed.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGtjq5xDUMK
Still, I had underestimated my undertaking. Severely. I foolishly assumed that as long as you were fed, clean, and warm, you would simply... lie there.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiiHarkVtVg
Quiet. Adorable. If wet nurses could do it, so could I. Or so I arrogantly thought.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUwgCkpqD2X
No. Babies demand engagement.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrXAwvqm8NX
You wanted someone to speak to you. To read to you. To show you the world. You were so eager to discover the wonders of this world.
One day I left you with a rattle. When I returned, you were furious. How dare I leave you unentertained.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLGf80U2y3j
From that point on, I read aloud to you whatever my shelves offered: grimoires, treatises, even lewd poetry (not that you understood any of it).53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeGrvL2H4eW
I sang dramatic opera arias, what fragments I could recall. With more drama than voice.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwokEapuLoC
And I invented absurd, grotesque, spontaneous fairytales. Of toads that devoured mad kings. Of witches who stole babies that cried too loud.
Sometimes you laughed. Sometimes you looked at me as if I'd gone utterly mad.53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡggKjsIWnlY
And perhaps I had.
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