Did you know that babies possess scandalously sensitive skin?25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLWlx9GgxhS
I, regrettably, did not.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd379kEZXdN
I once used an exotic soap. For you and your cloths. Sandalwood-scented, expensive, decadent, from a faraway land. I used it one evening to wash your linens, assuming,25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡei69iDJjKk
"This will make her smell less like... sour milk and unidentifiable bodily fluids."25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFzDQY9wWsC
What followed was a furious, red, diabolically itchy rash across your thighs and back that had you crying non-stop for nearly two days. A rash no demon could have conjured better.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTTGw9Fl4sD
I was beside myself. I applied everything I had: witch salves, cold compresses, whispered apologies.
Eventually, I called Grellborn. Not because I wanted to. I had no other choice.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9P5yTM9uAn
I saw him wandering over the field to my little castle, as always, in an invisible fog of damp moss, old smoke, and the faintest memory of lavender and other herbs my sensitive nose couldn't identify.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsDyLaztLeO
He looked you over briefly with a skilled look. Your red, irritated skin, your flailing little legs, your furious wailing. Then he looked at me. For a long time. Finally he said, "What... did you do?"25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMyrNOVrrod
"Bathed," I growled.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIBReVkGorH
"With what?"25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4tCQBiG31W
I hesitated and shifted my weight from one foot to the other. "Sandalwood soap. From Al-Mahrak. I thought..."25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkBVw0q3s9M
"Of course you thought that," Grell interrupted dryly. "A baby's skin is as delicate as a spring flower. Too much sun and it wilts." He sighed in disappointment and shook his head like I'd just violated the fundamental laws of alchemy.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXpFEOXeH0l
Then he reached into his robe and pulled out a small, greasy vial.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgHmjXJcSLB
"Here. When you said she had a rash, I quickly prepared this. A concentrated infusion of oats and calendula. Pour it into her bath, soak a linen cloth in it. No magic. Just plants. Usually that's enough. Godbless"25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmTF1ssPxBh
He handed it to me like it was the Holy Grail. I took it.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtHSFN5qoCB
And bowed... inwardly.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbWwPBlRvGO
Outwardly, I raised a single brow. He smiled. He knows that's all the humility he'll get from me.
Once your skin returned to normal, I reverted to the plainest, most boring soap I could find: unscented, colorless, uninspired. And that was perfect for you.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwhmoNfkoKx
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I read deep into the night: Anatomy. Psychology. Human development. Hormones, the stages of the mind. It became part of my research. You were no longer merely a child. You were a living doctoral thesis.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxaDFiZpA15
I read obsessively during those early months. Everything I could uncover about human development. Midwives' journals. Alchemists' charts on bodily humors. Even a musty, dust-choked scroll on the "connection between womb and spirit."
What remained with me was the theory of a long-dead scholar. He could've been Grellborn's tidy, better-smelling, academic cousin, that touch shapes the infant brain. That skin-to-skin warmth builds trust. And that neglect in the first months can permanently distort the capacity for empathy.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmkbvluavtQ
I remember closing the book and watching you sleep by the fire.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4K9aqhTPkt
"Very well," I murmured. "Let us see what cold skin makes of you."
I tested your grip. Your gaze. Your response to stimuli, as prescribed in the medical tomes. I was oddly pleased to find that you appeared completely normal. You were a healthy baby.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLGK92mE3GP
And then, finally, you smiled. A toothless grin aimed directly at me.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ22sivPKqKf
No fear. No confusion.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ1yTTCrueq
It was pure recognition.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOh0anqSXmZ
Strange, isn't it? To be seen by a creature.
You must understand... I had centuries of knowledge. Philosophy, languages, politics, necromancy, court etiquette, even the subtleties of seduction.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKs8393rtBe
But... babies?25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCX5blFLYpQ
Babies are chaos incarnate, wrapped in blankets and sweetly scented.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTTyaAL6we7
You cannot negotiate with a baby. I tried, believe me.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfzgj0w578N
I genuinely thought, "If I speak to her calmly and rationally, she'll grasp the futility of this tantrum."25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSYETydhssV
So I stood there saying things like, "Now, child, if you would only consider the inevitability of this diaper change..."25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ5AjPmy2J2
Screaming intensifies.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdOWTkKoOw5
They don't negotiate. They demand. Their logic is ancient and absolute. Hungry? You scream.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNhfNJFRBOc
Tired? Scream louder. A wisp of cold air? Summon the dead with your cries.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBcGmVRnyIc
Sleep was the most peaceful time. Yours, not mine. I sat by the fire, reading old folios, pretending not to glance over every few minutes just to make sure you were still breathing. And yes, once or twice I pressed a cold finger to your chest, just to feel the heartbeat beneath. You were that peaceful sometimes.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgS1giOw8mt
Pure precaution of course.
Grellborn once told me about babies who fall asleep at night and never wake up, and no one knows why. I didn't know whether it was true or if the old man was just trying to scare me.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ZZkWL2N7k
Sometimes, when the nights were long and the wind howled around the house, I whispered to you. Never lullabies, by all the dark gods. Never. They were stories. Of ancient cities that rose and fell. Of monsters. Of hunger and blood. I thought that if I fed your mind with my world early enough, you'd grow into it. Become something other than a fragile human. Something... mine.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9GqKgIe72i
But it wasn't always like that.
I was naive enough to believe I could gently ease you into a kind of rhythm. A daily structure. A ritual. You sleep, I read. Everything would be neat, quiet, harmonious. I was so wrong. 25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcNSBMffJE6
You laughed in my face. Repeatedly. At 3AM. While the moon tucked herself behind the dark clouds in what I can only assume was secondhand embarrassment, you delivered a kick to my ribs.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF4kzY5gaUn
Your rhythm became mine.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKwFbC2iDbx
And I began to understand why sleep deprivation is used as torture.
And your tantrums? I learned quickly. I carried you against my chest, tightly swaddled, murmuring nonsense in a voice soft as dark wine... and you grew quiet. Not from affection, mind you. I suspect it was merely the rhythm of my voice. Grim, cold, but consistent. Always there. As if it were the only constant in your world.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZqTYNdT0k6
There were moments when I looked down at your sleeping face and thought: What have I done? But those thoughts passed.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPmacBzG35R
Because you lived. And that, my little experiment, was the only victory I needed.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh6K1zz1Q5s
Still, I had underestimated my undertaking. Severely. I foolishly assumed that as long as you were fed, clean, and warm, you would simply... lie there.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡES5wy9NfUA
Quiet. Adorable. If wet nurses could do it, so could I. Or so I arrogantly thought.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9UPK5I9Ujr
No. Babies demand engagement.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoWznBOPiSj
You wanted someone to speak to you. To read to you. To show you the world. You were so eager to discover the wonders of this world.
One day I left you with a rattle. When I returned, you were furious. How dare I leave you unentertained.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqnaUbty3vs
From that point on, I read aloud to you whatever my shelves offered: grimoires, treatises, even lewd poetry (not that you understood any of it).25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQGzCNsQNHB
I sang dramatic opera arias, what fragments I could recall. With more drama than voice.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡubc8z3Ps4I
And I invented absurd, grotesque, spontaneous fairytales. Of toads that devoured mad kings. Of witches who stole babies that cried too loud.
Sometimes you laughed. Sometimes you looked at me as if I'd gone utterly mad.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEI5Efd3gAy
And perhaps I had.
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