It was 5 degrees celsius today.
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A bit colder than it usually is during this time of year, but I like it. I love the cold because it shrinks the world. During summertime, the world is 1.5 times bigger somehow. You don’t have to touch anyone, but it feels like you are feeling their body temperature. But in winter, even if you do bump into someone, it doesn’t feel like you bumped into someone, rather just someone’s clothes. People are smaller during winter. I love that.
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I remember when I was 14 or 15, I used to sleep outside when it was below 0 degrees. I don’t know if I still thought that if I died in the snow, I would melt when the spring called for life and warmth, but I still hoped. You can always hope right? My body wouldn't be found, and I'd be part of the life cycle of the water. Well, not life but at least the water cycle.
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Anyway, I would sneak out at night and run to the forest and just lay there on the snow and look up at the stars. My limbs would start to hurt after a couple of hours, but then, you’d be numb and lose your senses. It would feel like I was paralyzed and soon enough, you’d start to hear your heartbeat. As if that was the only thing alive with warmth, the heart would beat steadily until I start to dose off. And just when you thought it would end, your heart would skip a beat and jerk you awake. Like a warning sign, it would beat unusually fast and you feel like you are sweating although it is so cold. It was like a reminder that my thoughts were vicious, and my subconscious was trying to tell me that I wanted to live.
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I still do this sometimes when I feel like I want to leave. But when your breathing gets tougher and your insomnia and tiredness start to fight each other, the coldness lets me sleep until it wakes me up and heats my whole body.
Telling me that, I do want to stay, I think.
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