我嘅故事應該由邊度講起呢?由我嘅童年?定係⋯⋯嗰啲耳熟能詳嘅故事?我諗大家最記得我做過嘅事,如果唔係打敗歌利亞,就應該係我用計謀殺赫人烏利亞,將佢老婆變成我嘅皇后嗰件事啦⋯⋯11Please respect copyright.PENANAiOpw4G97xk
人生就係咁奇妙,往往人哋記得嘅只係評定你功過最大嘅幾件事。仿佛整個漫長嘅人生中,只有嗰幾個瞬間嘅決定係重要嘅。我係邊個?係以色列英雄,大能嘅勇士?抑或,我係被掃羅王追趕嘅走狗?定係⋯⋯其實我係嗰個欲求未滿,明明自己豐衣足食,但偏偏要去搶掠窮人僅有嘅財產;但就要擺出一副虔誠嘴臉嘅惡魔?11Please respect copyright.PENANANksgtlTiAk
11Please respect copyright.PENANARq7ktM33jC
你話我係邊個?定係其實佢哋全部都係我?11Please respect copyright.PENANAgjsRgCbTYv
其實我都唔知我係邊個。只知道喺我心目中,我唔係你哋想像中嗰個時時刻刻都緊隨耶和華心意嘅人。茫茫人生,我都數唔出有幾多個決定係我為咗上帝做嘅決定,有幾多個係我借上帝之名做嘅決定。耶和華同我講過,一國之君係個公義、敬畏神嘅人⋯⋯我,真係呢個人?11Please respect copyright.PENANAUuE5N04BVo
11Please respect copyright.PENANAFTf3I0AEHf
後生嘅時候,我覺得自己做嘅每一個決定都係為咗上帝而做嘅。難聽啲講,我覺得上帝欠咗我。當我為佢衝鋒陷陣,尊佢所立嘅王為大,從來無心謀害,但耶和華就容許掃羅處處追殺迫害我。點解佢要咁對我?我唔明。曾經,我覺得自己做嘅每一個啱嘅決定,每一個耶和華喜悅嘅決定,都必定會招來橫禍,但我可以唔做咩?明知一刀殺死掃羅一了百了,我偏偏放走佢兩次,因為⋯⋯我知道神係真係存在。我知,我經歷過佢好多次,多到我無辦法話佢只係我嘅幻想。只係⋯⋯我曾經有啲時候覺得佢係喺度冷眼旁觀我被折磨。我仲曾經諗過,到底佢睇我受苦有咩感受呢?係心涼?係心痛?定係其實佢根本上唔得閒理我?11Please respect copyright.PENANAtG4zqsw6kt
11Please respect copyright.PENANAsCEQXhOl3w
但我又知道上帝總會救我脫離最危險嘅境況。曾經,我以為自己要做獅子嘅零食,或者被人亂刀斬死,又或者被啲手下用石頭打死,但上帝偏偏又出手救咗我。當時,我知道佢真係唔會睇住我死。11Please respect copyright.PENANAlcLYNG9LtR
於是我問自己,到底我經歷呢一切苦難係唔係都有一個美好嘅心意,係神想我藉住呢一切變得更好?雖然我真係唔想上帝繼續教訓我,唔想繼續受苦,但我心底裡又知道佢嘅教導係為我好嘅。11Please respect copyright.PENANAcygIj6t5b0
11Please respect copyright.PENANAcnpEYiWx1f
好矛盾?咁咪說明咗我係一個人囉。喺面對痛苦嘅時候,我同大部份人一樣,埋怨比感恩多。我問過呢個問題好多次:「神我就嚟死啦,祢幾時出手救我?」11Please respect copyright.PENANApE47q7ndOf
我都真係好想佢一早出手救我,而唔係去到最後一刻,去到我萬念俱灰嘅時候先畀僅僅足夠嘅力量同供應畀我保命。11Please respect copyright.PENANAVtZroVLIDs
11Please respect copyright.PENANAL264kWDzlO
唉,但人都係矛盾嘅。當我乜都有,一無所缺,亦都覺得自己嘅智慧力量已經足夠解決所有問題,咁又係唔係一件好事?如果上帝無畀咁多令我覺得自己僅僅夠力量度日嘅時間,可能,我年少氣盛嘅時候已經做咗唔知幾多件錯事。11Please respect copyright.PENANAujy7156HCD
11Please respect copyright.PENANA8VE6ikCIqa
睇返轉頭,嗰啲苦痛可能係神對我嘅祝福呢。11Please respect copyright.PENANABtiZsOOrLZ
人生做錯嘅事,令自己後悔、遺憾嘅事唔使多,一件就夠。11Please respect copyright.PENANAeppp8dbCMG
11Please respect copyright.PENANAcfygsDgw0m
我無諗過自己會成為自己睇唔起嘅陰險小人。而且,呢一切竟然嚟得咁容易、咁快。到我夢醒,一切都已經返唔到轉頭。11Please respect copyright.PENANAyxlkrcWgAU
11Please respect copyright.PENANAqDCdRzTNGU
當我人生已經再無波瀾,再唔會日日夜夜焦慮不安,擔心自己隨時被殺死,我先發現原來我一直引以為傲嘅「公義」同「正直」,原來唔係我嘅本性。去到鑄成大錯,我先發現原來自己對善良嘅執著竟然係咁脆弱。原來,為善為惡只係一念之差。11Please respect copyright.PENANAXK2qiOSHkb
11Please respect copyright.PENANABM6r5Azklc
我被掃羅追殺嘅時候,我曾經覺得我同佢嘅距離好遠。我唔明點解佢可以因為妒忌,走嚟追殺我一個對佢咁忠心,對佢好似對我自己爸爸一樣嘅僕人。我唔明點解我放走咗佢兩次,但似乎佢少少感恩之心都無。我唔明點解佢可以咁黑心,又可以咁厚面皮咁為咗要將我置諸死地講咗唔知幾多個大話。11Please respect copyright.PENANATvcEQle7iA
11Please respect copyright.PENANAzKFA8gDq79
但後來,我發現自己原來喺某個層面同佢無乜分別。原來我只係無經歷過佢所經歷嘅情況,所以我先覺得自己可以永遠企喺道德高地度批判佢。原來只要換一換位,我好快就喺道德高地跌咗入萬丈深淵。11Please respect copyright.PENANAkTflr3SavE
11Please respect copyright.PENANABYvoUtFgyl
喺我彌留之際,耶和華同我講:佢同我立嘅約永遠不變。如果佢喺我後生嘅時候咁同我講,我會覺得「啱啊!應份啊!」。但到我真係聽到嗰一刻,我都唔知講咩好。係羞愧,亦係暖徹心扉嘅感動,我覺得自己好污穢,就好似一件跌咗入泥沼嘅衫一樣。我完全唔配受呢種恩待,但神卻無因為我唔配而放棄我。我係抵死㗎,錯係我自己鑄成,無人謀害我,無人迫我。就算唔落地獄,神都有權攞走我一切奬賞。好多人比我更謙虛,亦都唔會好似我咁,喺權利嘅㒹峰上面干犯最令人不齒嘅罪。但點解偏偏我可以成為耶和華所㨂選嘅君王,要佢嘅獨生子以「大衛的子孫」嘅名義嚟到世間成就救贖?11Please respect copyright.PENANAxYUjtJDdnU
11Please respect copyright.PENANAGJF2ODn3BE
矇矓中我見到佢對住我微笑,有一種溫暖,由我心口擴散出去,滲透入我已經凍到不斷打顫嘅四肢裡面。11Please respect copyright.PENANAmd90a3BR8g
嗰一刻,我唔再想問任何嘢。喺嗰種溫暖當中,我感覺到原來自己最渴望嘅永恆,原來就係咁樣。11Please respect copyright.PENANAGBiIb6MXx2
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雷寂

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