"Have I done enough today?" I tell myself, as I lay in bed staring at the popcorn ceiling, my hands tightly clasping my pillow.
It has never crossed my mind that I could be an influence to others.
While I have always been vocal about being there for people, especially those I truly care about, actually leaving a lasting impression on them seemed like a pipe dream.
I shift my body to my side, hands still holding onto my favorite checkered square pillow.
Did I say the right words? Have I been too nosy towards my friend who has been going through so much? Did I eat properly? I try to sleep, but the rummaging thoughts keep emerging on my mind, like playing an endless game of whack-a-mole.
I wonder whether anything I do, say, or think, helps people. Or if my being concerned has ever made matters worse.
But I have come to realize that maybe it's not just what l give everyone. It's also what I provide for myself. After all, I can't pour from an empty cup. Like plants that need constant care and nurturing, my ability to be there for the people I love hinges on prioritizing watering my own roots. Only by first tending my needs can I be fully present and effective in helping others.
I close my eyes as I embraced this awareness, loosening the tense grip I had on the cushion. I find peace in knowing even if I still feel uncertain at times, this new understanding is a step forward.
As such, the hope in my heart inhibits me from deflecting the idea that maybe, one day, I can make a difference - in someone's life and my own.
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