Jay
Well seeing Cru make out with someone who looks slightly familiar wasn’t what I wanted to see. I left the food I got him where I was standing and turned and walked away. I hear him call my name. I hear him ask me to stop. It breaks my heart because I want to. I want to only think of Cru as the boy I found crying under the weeping willow. The boy I was told to stay away from who was just hurt. The boy who was cold and cruel because that was what life taught him to be in order to survive.
I kept buying food for him every day. Each time I’d find the wrapper in the garbage. I wouldn’t talk to him yet. I also figured out why that guy was familiar, he’s Echo’s brother. Although Echo pulled me aside and told me that they lived with their aunt and that Grayson lived with their mom. Every time I saw Cru, Grayson was with him. Every day there were new bruises on Cru’s back, arms, waist, and face. Every night Grayson slept in Cru’s bed hugging him. This went on for the two weeks, which was the entire time that Grayson could visit Echo during the camp. When he was gone I finally cornered Cru.
“Why are you letting him hit you?!” I asked, my expression deadly calm.
“I don’t know what you’re asking?” Cru deflected.
“Yes, you do. Cru I care more than I probably should. Please tell me.” I said in my calm tone.
“There’s nothing to tell! Grayson is just treating me the way I deserve to be treated!” Cru exploded now yelling at me. “Jay, you don’t fucking get it! Everyone leaves me! No one will ever stay, that’s just life. As long as he’s hitting me I at least know that he’s thinking about me and that someone might care even if it’s completely twisted. I can’t fucking do it again, I can’t fucking lose the people I care about even if they don’t care about me! Please, I’m begging you, leave it alone. At least Grayson won’t be gone by the end of the summer.” Then he turns around and walks away. It hurts to see him walk away from me again, more than if he’d just kept screaming at me.
I’m far enough away from Cru that he doesn’t hear what I say in response. “Just because the people you trusted before hurt you doesn’t mean that I will. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care. It doesn’t mean that I will leave.” What he doesn’t know is that my family will be moving to Echo’s and Cru’s hometown in the fall.
Cru
It hurt to walk away from Jay. It hurt because it meant that I was pushing away yet another person who might’ve cared if I’d let them. Fuck, why does he have to be so observant? Why do I care so much? Why does he care? Fuck! I don’t deserve him, nobody does, he’s to kind and caring for this world!
The bruises are still visible and people from the swim camp keep asking about them. Everyone knows my roommates are nice and wouldn’t hurt anyone, they also know Echo’s brother was staying with us. They aren’t stupid, I know they connected the dots. They keep asking if Grayson hurts me but I always deny it. It’s what I deserve for being so difficult.
“Cru, wait up!” Jacob calls out, running up behind me.
“What’s up Jacob?” I ask cautiously.
“Have you seen Kaelan?” Jacob asks.
“No. By the way, are you and Kaelan dating?” I ask him letting out a sigh of relief. I thought he was going to ask about the bruises.
“No. But he is really nice and caring, on the first day of camp he went up to this kid in our age division who looked really nervous and just started joking with him. All throughout the warmups Kaelan jogged with him and made him laugh. Also his hair is fucking gorgeous, the blue pairs with his natural black hair and eyes so nicely. And his eyes are so fucking captivating, they look like they hold secrets that you will never know and that makes him seem so mysterious and interesting. Fuck, I can’t ever score a goal against him in our soccer scrimmages. Fuck Cru, I might like him!” Jacob exclaims.
“Are you just now figuring that out?” I ask incredulously.
“Yes!” Jacob practically shouts.
I flinch ever so slightly but luckily Jacob doesn’t notice. “Damn I thought it was obvious that you two would be perfect together and dating already. I mean have you seen the way he looks at you?” I proclaim.
“No, how does he look at me!?” Jacob asks still shouting even louder.
I flinch before I can process what he said already folding into myself and going into my automated apologies. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry for making you mad! Don’t hit me again!” I freeze realizing too late that the raised voice wasn’t Grayson or my stepbrother and stepfather.
Jacob stops walking and turns to me, concern evident on his face. “Cru did you just say don’t hit me again?”
“Yeah, it’s nothing though. Kaelan looks at you like you’re the only person in the entire room who’s interesting. You make him smile and they’re not his fake ones either. You’re healing his broken heart slowly even though you’re not acting like a bandage. He looks at you with genuine affection in his eyes.” I say shrugging off my earlier words.
“Uhuh Cru, we’re not breezing past the fact that you just told me to not hit you again. Keyword in that sentence again. Cru who’s hit you?” Jacob asks me, placing his hands on my shoulders gently.
“Not here.” I whisper. I turn and walk back to the weeping willow where I first met Jay.
I’m surprised when I sink onto the ground and lean back on the trunk that Jacob actually followed me. “Cru who’s been hitting you?” Jacob asks sitting next to me.
I let out a long sigh bracing myself to relieve some of my worst moments and summarize them all to answer Jacob’s question. “My stepdad and stepbrother used to before my mom found out and divorced his ass. That was in second through the beginning of third grade. I met Grayson right after the divorce. He was kind and gentle with me for three years before he started hitting me. I thought it was normal for someone who you care about to hit you so I never said anything. I’d been trained to think that I deserved it, I still believe it too. That’s why I never told you guys when you asked about my bruises when Grayson was here. I believed that I deserved them. I actually was relieved when Grayson was hitting me because in some twisted way If he’s hitting me I at least know that he’s thinking about me and that someone might care even if for the wrong reasons. It’s really fucking funny because I still love him.” I say letting out a self deprecating laugh. “But, I hate him more.”
“Cru, I’m so sorry that you went through that. You do know now that it’s not normal for someone you care about to hit you right?” Jacob asks me quietly.
“Yeah, I do.” I whisper.
“Good. I get why you were so cold to everyone now. You were scared of letting someone else in and them hurting you again, whether emotionally or physically. You didn’t want to get to know someone and have them leave eventually. I think you should talk to Jay about it. He’s been off since Grayson showed up.” Jacob says completely accurate.
“I know, you’re right. But, it’s hard to open up to someone with my philophobia. Especially someone I care about.”
“I get it. But Jay won’t run.” Jacob says understanding.
“I know. You should ask Kaelan out by the way.” I say giving Jacob a real smile, the first real smile I’ve had in a long time.
“I will.” Jacob replies, smiling back at me.
18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhsYwbSFSPD
Note:
Philophobia is a fear of falling in love. It can also be a fear of getting into a relationship or fear that you will not be able to maintain a relationship. In this case Cru has philophobia in the form of not being able to maintain a relationship. Although he’s slowly getting over his philophobia.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡppYLmGyMpX
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