休學的生活其實比想像中還要平淡無波,像是行於浩瀚沙漠之上,不知不覺地被虛無吞噬,淹溺然後窒息,我總會想到心電圖上那條被繃直的橫線,那樣的纖細而靜謐,像是隨時都會被折斷,或者說,總是會異常地想把它敲碎,一種格外彆扭難堪的姿勢。205Please respect copyright.PENANAEc8vve1Il3
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狹小的房圄,昏暗的燈光,只有手機撥放著的人聲呢喃著,「這是現在年輕人的傾向,由於網際網路的發達,有研究發現他們與現實越來越脫節,社交媒體的使用也是導致現在年輕人憂鬱的助因之一,尤其又以女性的影響更為明顯......」還在繼續在字裡行間笨拙挪動著,我似乎總太龐大太臃腫了,握筆滑動的指尖都窒礙難行,連呼吸都壅塞地擠壓肋骨,發出滋嘎的摩擦。205Please respect copyright.PENANAbKaZULzRe5
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喉頭乾澀難耐,我顫抖著手灌下一大瓶水,試圖滑點索然無味的短影音來轉移注意力,嘗試未果,又滑到剛才的影片評論區,果不其然一整片瀰漫濃烈刺鼻的煙硝味,快要被腐蝕掉了,於是啪地應聲關掉了整臺手機,感覺整個腦袋暈眩乾涸,只有心跳震耳欲聾。205Please respect copyright.PENANA9OIU2KjhdH
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叮咚著,又一則群組訊息跳了出來。205Please respect copyright.PENANAbecNCi5fih
「XX高中繁星再創佳績......」205Please respect copyright.PENANA3IUvxdiE4L
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人生就是一條漫漫長河,有人野心勃勃疾駛無阻,有人無欲無求飄盪無際,也有半途就撞上巨石,尷尬地擱淺著,掙扎著前進了許久,是否真的向前了? 我也不知道。205Please respect copyright.PENANAv6UaFyF81I
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「唉......」我苦笑著嘆了口氣。205Please respect copyright.PENANAx707p5gyng
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人果然是種犯賤的生物。205Please respect copyright.PENANAhyiuBhkfGs
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屏息著,我知道它來了,再怎麼抗拒都束手無策的,一點一滴的自舌尖輕巧地爬進食道,一點一滴的,恭敬地廝磨啄吻般,嚙舔侵蝕著每寸經過的肌膚,最終到達腸胃,那是一種酥麻黏糊的凌遲,像是吞下一盤瀕死痙攣的蝴蝶。急促地焦躁地,牠們在叫嚷著什麼,飢渴著什麼。我不想知道,不,我真的不想知道。205Please respect copyright.PENANAH6vS4fgxVG
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嘆了口氣,我穿上外套,拎起袋子,一如往常地向外走去。205Please respect copyright.PENANAFlem6EXi6q
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圖書館附近的黃花風鈴木像是憋鬱了太久的奶油一口氣擠爆,視線所及全是狂妄囂張地燦黃,微風刮著稻田銀亮的魚鱗,可激起的波濤湧到腳邊只有各式的垃圾與一隻已經被壓爛的麻雀。205Please respect copyright.PENANALNrEJcvdwd
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街口的那隻貓還是照常向我喵喵叫討食物,只有牠不像那些一見我就跑的貓那樣。205Please respect copyright.PENANAj7fagp9We7
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「肯定很餓吧?」我用指尖刮著下巴的青春痘,不只一次的這麼想著,猛一抬頭,與感應門中的我撞個正著,欲蓋彌彰的躞蹀碎成殘渣。205Please respect copyright.PENANAmbmrHdB4qA
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好可怕。205Please respect copyright.PENANAI9pcS4UReS
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無溫的逼逼聲響起,袋子裡已經被塞的滿滿噹噹,我向感應門走去,視線裡赫然竄過一個倉促的身影,也是戴著耳機,一手捧著屏幕摔碎的手機,一手拎著鼓脹的塑膠袋,全身用寬大的衣物遮掩地密密實實。她很惶恐焦慮,像是突然墜入汪洋,茫茫然地尋不著登陸,卻又不得不滑稽可笑的掙扎求救,我知道。205Please respect copyright.PENANAT036AaYvGL
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她即使到了現在也還在掙扎,我也知道。205Please respect copyright.PENANA1P0GFlpN42
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回家後,我盯著袋子裡的零食,然後抬頭看了看窗外,還是把窗簾拉上了。205Please respect copyright.PENANAytfVOkKlpO
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風扇嗡嗡地運轉著,桌上的參考書吹翻了一頁。205Please respect copyright.PENANAQQqcYm55ma
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我低下頭,撕開包裝。 尖銳的嬉笑聲自手機裡流淌出來,我總喜歡透過這樣隔一層的窺探舔舐另個世界的溫熱血液。205Please respect copyright.PENANAY5h2lthByk
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還是洋芋片,油膩的鹹香味迫不及待地纏繞上指尖。有時候就會突然這樣,味覺反覆沖泡後變得稀淡,只能藉由這些重口味的刺激調整濃淡。205Please respect copyright.PENANAWcKqng5Dqk
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嘎吱咀嚼著,漫不經心地看著影片,碎片被指尖翻來攪去,從小片到大片,最後仰頭將碎屑倒入口中,再慢條斯理的擦去手指的油粉,就這麼僵硬地重複著相同的流程。205Please respect copyright.PENANANzjET8PfNz
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我能感受到碎片咬碎的瞬間溢流的油脂,一點一滴滑進腸胃,最終凝固成難以抹滅的白色膠狀。205Please respect copyright.PENANA3T4l7sI3nz
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進食的過程是擁腫而鬆弛的,我不知道何時終止,終點又在何處。不,其實我是知道的,再怎麼樣都迴避不掉的......205Please respect copyright.PENANAZuVKGJpies
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如同我曾如此虔誠地獻上我的所有生命,現在我得把我的罪孽一口一口吃回來,直到沒有絲毫剩餘。205Please respect copyright.PENANAHZkxfHoCkM
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「其實,真的說起來也挺爽的吧。」我仰起頭扯起嘴角,儘管已經灌了很多水,感覺那種鬱塞的殘渣還卡在牙縫。205Please respect copyright.PENANAH8732yvh6I
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電扇扭頭,包裝袋被吹落地面。205Please respect copyright.PENANAV1YGmgKaA7
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我不情願地彎腰去撿,飽嗝被擠壓著竄出喉頭,整個口腔都瀰漫著張牙舞爪的油味。205Please respect copyright.PENANApLHoAdVeJu
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「但其實,它也只是食物啊......」205Please respect copyright.PENANAJGYu4fLBvz
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我摀著臉,指縫間滲出一絲幾不可聞的嗚咽。205Please respect copyright.PENANAZ6zgwe5FMs
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我的神啊,我曾經如此如癡如狂愛著的神啊。親手剜開胸膛,掏出一顆血淋淋的搏跳心臟,自始我的世界只為他而轉動,溫熱的血液只染上他獨自的溫度,那對我才是真正的信仰,一場等價交換的大型獻祭,奉上我的所有,以便在世間繼續苟活。205Please respect copyright.PENANAiNWSBbx2cP
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我曾是如此瘋癲執著地愛上了他,以至於在殺死他過後,僅剩一具頹殘的軀竅。好像得填滿些什麼,得再歇斯底里地做點什麼,恍惚懸浮於虛空中的靈魂才能再更踏實些。205Please respect copyright.PENANAB9qI87BqZs
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電腦喇叭一邊聒噪地叫囂著。205Please respect copyright.PENANAYVd1XEaaXc
You turn oranges to orange juice205Please respect copyright.PENANAw3cujyWFul
Enter there, then spit it out of you205Please respect copyright.PENANAM6OR8aV5qm
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一邊毫無波瀾地播送著線上課程的內容,人格心理學,今天在說榮格,但我幾乎沒聽進去。還是走進了廁所,跪在馬桶前打開座蓋,卻只能愣在原地,用痙攣的左手按住同樣痙攣的右手,然後流下幾滴不值錢的淚以茲紀念。205Please respect copyright.PENANAlWo3SiYDi4
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我終究,還是沒辦法。催吐、催吐、催吐......腦中不斷重複演練,但我究竟是怯懦過頭。205Please respect copyright.PENANAFdJIu8PAD3
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嘆了口氣,我煩躁地抖著腳邊點開BL漫畫,一定得是肉體交織纏綿,激情四射水澤旖旎,火才夠旺夠猛,淹沒蔓延無際的食慾。胸口好悶好痛,許是滿溢的胃酸翻湧咬嚙著心臟,但更難受的是,我他媽的為什麼還在這裡。205Please respect copyright.PENANAufUm9Niz5d
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連食慾都控制不了的,噁心的、骯髒的、腐爛不堪的傢伙,活著還有什麼意義?還不如直接拿刀把自己的肚子與大腿贅肉切掉。205Please respect copyright.PENANAVYWLCqQLo8
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四年了,它們如同鬼魅縈繞,從未離去。205Please respect copyright.PENANA1zgtlzCEoJ
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Your body is imperfectly perfect205Please respect copyright.PENANA22M5gOJPE9
Everyone wants what the other one's working205Please respect copyright.PENANAFHoWhoN8CB
No orange juice205Please respect copyright.PENANASGzBwfMeve
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何時,才能真正的放過自己呢?205Please respect copyright.PENANALQEayeehBL
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「媽的.....別想起來啊......」我用力攥緊棉被,把身軀壓得更低、更低些,是否就能夠低入塵埃裡?我不知道。205Please respect copyright.PENANAd3x6ui1T6b
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又是一個暴食的夜晚,鼓脹的慾望、浮腫的過往。205Please respect copyright.PENANAtfL2LUBVDx
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矛盾著,敲打在日記的字句仍是,撲通、撲通、像落入馬桶的水面。205Please respect copyright.PENANAd732gyTuyC
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「恭喜大家考上了喜歡的大學.....我也得繼續努力啊......」205Please respect copyright.PENANAHsJunlT0Eg
「明天也要好好的生活,好好的愛自己喔......」
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註 : 感覺好像離題了,如果造成理解困擾我很抱歉.......
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