一首歌配一個故事【第二期】 - No more orange juice

休學的生活其實比想像中還要平淡無波，像是行於浩瀚沙漠之上，不知不覺地被虛無吞噬，淹溺然後窒息，我總會想到心電圖上那條被繃直的橫線，那樣的纖細而靜謐，像是隨時都會被折斷，或者說，總是會異常地想把它敲碎，一種格外彆扭難堪的姿勢。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3z0qUbLE63
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狹小的房圄，昏暗的燈光，只有手機撥放著的人聲呢喃著，「這是現在年輕人的傾向，由於網際網路的發達，有研究發現他們與現實越來越脫節，社交媒體的使用也是導致現在年輕人憂鬱的助因之一，尤其又以女性的影響更為明顯......」還在繼續在字裡行間笨拙挪動著，我似乎總太龐大太臃腫了，握筆滑動的指尖都窒礙難行，連呼吸都壅塞地擠壓肋骨，發出滋嘎的摩擦。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbSH2rRAWeI
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喉頭乾澀難耐，我顫抖著手灌下一大瓶水，試圖滑點索然無味的短影音來轉移注意力，嘗試未果，又滑到剛才的影片評論區，果不其然一整片瀰漫濃烈刺鼻的煙硝味，快要被腐蝕掉了，於是啪地應聲關掉了整臺手機，感覺整個腦袋暈眩乾涸，只有心跳震耳欲聾。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkM3rEFVDiL
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叮咚著，又一則群組訊息跳了出來。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkfxEaLdKSj
「XX高中繁星再創佳績......」538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm2edsPosdF
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人生就是一條漫漫長河，有人野心勃勃疾駛無阻，有人無欲無求飄盪無際，也有半途就撞上巨石，尷尬地擱淺著，掙扎著前進了許久，是否真的向前了? 我也不知道。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHX73lZ0EOH
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「唉......」我苦笑著嘆了口氣。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKhting4eoU
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人果然是種犯賤的生物。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcxgLfVzFJ4
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屏息著，我知道它來了，再怎麼抗拒都束手無策的，一點一滴的自舌尖輕巧地爬進食道，一點一滴的，恭敬地廝磨啄吻般，嚙舔侵蝕著每寸經過的肌膚，最終到達腸胃，那是一種酥麻黏糊的凌遲，像是吞下一盤瀕死痙攣的蝴蝶。急促地焦躁地，牠們在叫嚷著什麼，飢渴著什麼。我不想知道，不，我真的不想知道。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJbkJIqX4xt
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嘆了口氣，我穿上外套，拎起袋子，一如往常地向外走去。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ92mBRsDeb1
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圖書館附近的黃花風鈴木像是憋鬱了太久的奶油一口氣擠爆，視線所及全是狂妄囂張地燦黃，微風刮著稻田銀亮的魚鱗，可激起的波濤湧到腳邊只有各式的垃圾與一隻已經被壓爛的麻雀。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLS4PbzJ9sy
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街口的那隻貓還是照常向我喵喵叫討食物，只有牠不像那些一見我就跑的貓那樣。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB9cQfJ13mQ
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「肯定很餓吧?」我用指尖刮著下巴的青春痘，不只一次的這麼想著，猛一抬頭，與感應門中的我撞個正著，欲蓋彌彰的躞蹀碎成殘渣。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡif4ZnrAbcK
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好可怕。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgd9WkEtzBe
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無溫的逼逼聲響起，袋子裡已經被塞的滿滿噹噹，我向感應門走去，視線裡赫然竄過一個倉促的身影，也是戴著耳機，一手捧著屏幕摔碎的手機，一手拎著鼓脹的塑膠袋，全身用寬大的衣物遮掩地密密實實。她很惶恐焦慮，像是突然墜入汪洋，茫茫然地尋不著登陸，卻又不得不滑稽可笑的掙扎求救，我知道。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGgxilekP6R
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她即使到了現在也還在掙扎，我也知道。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSKqPAv1M3c
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回家後，我盯著袋子裡的零食，然後抬頭看了看窗外，還是把窗簾拉上了。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlw26sLeG2R
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風扇嗡嗡地運轉著，桌上的參考書吹翻了一頁。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4LUeafEK66
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我低下頭，撕開包裝。尖銳的嬉笑聲自手機裡流淌出來，我總喜歡透過這樣隔一層的窺探舔舐另個世界的溫熱血液。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡILDM2Zbmhc
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還是洋芋片，油膩的鹹香味迫不及待地纏繞上指尖。有時候就會突然這樣，味覺反覆沖泡後變得稀淡，只能藉由這些重口味的刺激調整濃淡。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoGsrQWAkgQ
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嘎吱咀嚼著，漫不經心地看著影片，碎片被指尖翻來攪去，從小片到大片，最後仰頭將碎屑倒入口中，再慢條斯理的擦去手指的油粉，就這麼僵硬地重複著相同的流程。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW1TAaFXWJl
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我能感受到碎片咬碎的瞬間溢流的油脂，一點一滴滑進腸胃，最終凝固成難以抹滅的白色膠狀。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhQBKIimQsW
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進食的過程是擁腫而鬆弛的，我不知道何時終止，終點又在何處。不，其實我是知道的，再怎麼樣都迴避不掉的......538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsLd2bDKvbp
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如同我曾如此虔誠地獻上我的所有生命，現在我得把我的罪孽一口一口吃回來，直到沒有絲毫剩餘。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9D9QRMA0mA
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「其實，真的說起來也挺爽的吧。」我仰起頭扯起嘴角，儘管已經灌了很多水，感覺那種鬱塞的殘渣還卡在牙縫。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡstCoMWh0V1
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電扇扭頭，包裝袋被吹落地面。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAfOCmg4e5m
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我不情願地彎腰去撿，飽嗝被擠壓著竄出喉頭，整個口腔都瀰漫著張牙舞爪的油味。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDdSbY6oSLv
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「但其實，它也只是食物啊......」538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJsPEmiJv1l
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我摀著臉，指縫間滲出一絲幾不可聞的嗚咽。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdcOqOE6kx9
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我的神啊，我曾經如此如癡如狂愛著的神啊。親手剜開胸膛，掏出一顆血淋淋的搏跳心臟，自始我的世界只為他而轉動，溫熱的血液只染上他獨自的溫度，那對我才是真正的信仰，一場等價交換的大型獻祭，奉上我的所有，以便在世間繼續苟活。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz7KvBtIYNG
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我曾是如此瘋癲執著地愛上了他，以至於在殺死他過後，僅剩一具頹殘的軀竅。好像得填滿些什麼，得再歇斯底里地做點什麼，恍惚懸浮於虛空中的靈魂才能再更踏實些。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcQdWoc2Yzp
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電腦喇叭一邊聒噪地叫囂著。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrEVD03eeLY
You turn oranges to orange juice538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiWmb740ZiF
Enter there, then spit it out of you538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpvAATNdGH0
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一邊毫無波瀾地播送著線上課程的內容，人格心理學，今天在說榮格，但我幾乎沒聽進去。還是走進了廁所，跪在馬桶前打開座蓋，卻只能愣在原地，用痙攣的左手按住同樣痙攣的右手，然後流下幾滴不值錢的淚以茲紀念。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSPr7c8JOJr
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我終究，還是沒辦法。催吐、催吐、催吐......腦中不斷重複演練，但我究竟是怯懦過頭。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIPZaUXdCX4
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嘆了口氣，我煩躁地抖著腳邊點開BL漫畫，一定得是肉體交織纏綿，激情四射水澤旖旎，火才夠旺夠猛，淹沒蔓延無際的食慾。胸口好悶好痛，許是滿溢的胃酸翻湧咬嚙著心臟，但更難受的是，我他媽的為什麼還在這裡。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeyYmwjJ7Hk
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連食慾都控制不了的，噁心的、骯髒的、腐爛不堪的傢伙，活著還有什麼意義?還不如直接拿刀把自己的肚子與大腿贅肉切掉。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCd34b5nsYB
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四年了，它們如同鬼魅縈繞，從未離去。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWe410O35ny
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Your body is imperfectly perfect538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1cP9eChMTS
Everyone wants what the other one's working538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4nw6JtYVFG
No orange juice538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN5QKCvDMMF
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何時，才能真正的放過自己呢?538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUvhECDu2pw
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「媽的.....別想起來啊......」我用力攥緊棉被，把身軀壓得更低、更低些，是否就能夠低入塵埃裡?我不知道。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZQtxzBodQm
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又是一個暴食的夜晚，鼓脹的慾望、浮腫的過往。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwU9gYTgRoH
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矛盾著，敲打在日記的字句仍是，撲通、撲通、像落入馬桶的水面。538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrz5YJCNfVV
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「恭喜大家考上了喜歡的大學.....我也得繼續努力啊......」538Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBP3M6JBMQk
「明天也要好好的生活，好好的愛自己喔......」