Draco
“Just leave a letter,” I say smiling. “Goodbye, mystery boy.” Before he could be smart and climb the wall to see who he confided in, I ran. I ran back to my common room. I don’t know when it started but, I was starting to want to help him. To be someone he could talk to. This, this is dangerous. Now my lie isn’t a lie. I feel sick. As I lied down, my brain wandered to a memory I didn’t want to remember.
Three years earlier.
I’m in love with my boyfriend Theadore Nott. I haven’t told him though. It started with him asking me to go to the Yule Ball with him as a friend, and I’d said yes. We danced while The Weird Sisters played. We had fun. When we returned to our common room he pulled me into his arms and onto the couch, he read to me from his favorite book The Forest Demands it’s Due by Kosoko Jackson. Over the week that became our routine, after classes and hard days we would settle onto the couch and would read from it. When we finished I looked up at him and asked “Is that how you feel? Like it’s better to have no one care about you?”
“Sometimes. But, I think I might have found someone who I could let care about me.” He said smiling. I ignored the way he didn’t say ‘someone I could let myself care about.’
“Good.” I responded leaning in and placing a tentative kiss to his lips, ready for him to push me away and tell me that he wasn’t talking about me. But, he kissed me back, hand on the back of my neck, fingers tangling in the hair that fell down my neck. After that night he’d became more attentive asking me how I was, reading my favorite parts from our book, being mine. Then it hit me, I loved him. And I think he might love me back.
“Hey Theadore, can we talk?” I asked hopefully.
“Yeah Draco, what’s up?” He asks after excusing himself from who he was talking to.
“I…I think I’m in love with you.” I say holding my breath.
His expression shuttered instantly, the warmth in his eyes turning to ice. “That’s a problem. This is just for fun. I could never love you.”
Then as I reflected on our memories I realized how he’d always seemed a little distant, the warmth fake. It was all fake. My heart shattered. I vowed that I’d never let someone in again. After that night we were just mutual friends growing apart.
Now
I woke up in a cold sweat the memory plaguing my brain, asking for tears. But, I was too tired to cry. His words stuck on repeat in my head “I could never love you.” He’d said it so straight forward with no remorse. He hadn’t cared about me at all. He had told me this to protect me, to stop the growing feelings. But, had instead, ruined me. Ever since that day I’ve been shut down, unable to feel anything except anger, self deprecation, fear, and suspicion. Now…now Harry Potter of all people was starting to pull things up I’d rather keep buried.
I sat up suddenly feeling like I was going to puke. I ran to the bathroom, falling to my knees in a stall hands braced on the side of the toilet. When I finished, the acrid taste in my mouth wouldn’t go away, wouldn’t disappear. Then there was feet running into the bathroom then they stopped short.
“Draco?” That voice would be burned into my mind forever. Theodore. My heart shattered again seeing him, him seeing me in one of my worst days since the breakup. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, couldn’t respond.
Minutes passed and Theo stepped forward “Draco, are you alright ?” He asked conceded.
I couldn’t stop the mirthless laugh that escaped me “Alright? How could I be alright!? You destroyed me! You broke me! I’ve been completely shut down because of you! I fucking loved you, and you told me you could never love me!” I yelled at him.
“Draco I made a mistake. I loved you. I think I still do.” He whispered.
“No! No, you don’t get to do this! You don’t get to play with my feelings! I can’t do this with you or anyone for that matter! Goodbye, Theodore. Don’t try this shit again.” I yelled again running from the bathroom and up to Madam Pomfrey.
“Well Draco, you have the flu, and you need to eat more.” Madam Pomfrey tells me.
“Okay, Madam Pomfrey. I’ll try to eat more.” I respond.
“Thank you Draco. I’ll tell your professors so they’ll send you the homework. Try and get some rest.” Madam Pomfrey says sounding tired.
“Madam Pomfrey, are you okay?” I ask worried.
“Yes Draco, I’m fine. Just haven’t been sleeping well.” She said giving me a tired smile. “Go get some rest.”
“Yes Madam Pomfrey. I hope you start feeling better.” Getting up and walking back to the common room. When I entered my gaze snagged on something lying on my bed. There was a letter in a scroll that I could never forget. It was in Theo’s handwriting.
Draco,
I’m sorry for the way I treated you. I still read your favorite parts from our book. You were right, I don’t get to come back into your life and expect you to still be there for me. I want you to know that I still love you and I never stopped. I was terrified of what you’d made me feel. I’ve given you my heart in this letter you could keep it, return it, or shatter it. I won’t blame you if you shatter it and I don’t expect you to keep it. You deserved much better than me. I’m giving you a gift as well. I’m giving you your own copy of our book with your favorite parts highlighted. Goodbye, Draco. Know I loved you.
Theo.
When I finished reading I realized I didn’t want to shatter his heart nor did I want to keep it. So, in the bottom right corner I wrote “I’m not going to try to shatter your heart but, it might happen. I’m choosing to return it.” Then I laid it on his bed. I kept the book close to me realizing that I would never share it with anyone else. The book was a reminder that no one stays, and that no one ever would. The book kept secrets for me, a way to channel my feelings. Over the next few hours I’d added highlighted sections. The sections about not trusting people, the ones about being alone. But, my new favorite out of all of them was when Etalian justified his decision to curse the families who killed his lover. This book was a reminder that no one stays, that no one ever would. Not Theo, not his dad, not his friends, and certainly not Potter.
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