Am I Pregnant? - Am I Pregnant?

Doctors' offices have always made me immensely uncomfortable. You never get through immediately; there's always a fifteen minute and up waiting period.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbbRKHisUIr

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In that amount of time, someone as imaginative as myself can think a vast number of ways in which something could be severely wrong with me, because you're never at the doctor if you're alright.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE69X7laJ1h

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Today, however, I'm at the doctor's office and I'm almost sure that there's nothing physically wrong with me.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpaTubSy9Mu

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It's what's inside of me that's the problem.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYGqb5w1gyD

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You see, I made the brilliant decision to have unprotected sex, which has landed me here, in a doctor's office, wanting to "make sure" that I'm actually pregnant, as if three positive pregnancy tests aren't proof enough. 524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡydxHbUnC7u

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Despite the knowledge that it is highly unlikely that I am not pregnant, I still hope; and with that hope comes nervousness.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ57mEq4HACB

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My palms are clammy and I'm constantly alternating between bouncing my knees and tapping my feet against the tiled floor. The receptionist is looking at me with a concerned expression, as if expecting me to have a full blown panic attack, and to be honest, I'm somewhere pretty near to that.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6VlchkSyJr

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In an attempt to calm myself, I pull out my phone and play Candy Crush. It doesn't help. 524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡodk15wdTPl

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I plug in my earphones and try to listen to some music, but after two minutes, I realise that I don't even know what the hell I'm listening to; it could be classical music, or rap music. I wouldn't know.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuB43BEXJdn

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I rip out the earbuds in frustration, and lean back in my chair, closing my eyes.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡePmCrJFXVb

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"Miss, would you like some water?" the receptionist asks, startling me.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwrOT3zqY1D

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In my fit of irritation, I forgot that she was there.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8UTC2CUqlN

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"Yes, thank you," I reply in what I hope is a calm voice, but even to my own ears, it sounds harsh.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQHuqkE9nhq

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She dips below the desk and comes back up with a small unopened bottle of water.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeYSzwrsuvH

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"Thank you," I say to her, as she passes me the bottle.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlXsJzSvhjX

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"You're welcome," is her reply. She looks as if she wants to say more, but she's cut off by the ringing of her phone.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbKQz5WgaSy

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She picks it up, and has the briefest of conversations, before saying, "Dr.Davidson is ready to see you now.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡidaAL1AkcG

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*•*•*•*524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6qB6y8HwT2

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I'm shaking like a colt trying to walk for the first time.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwDm6IgQLND

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"Sit," the doctor insists, pretending not to notice my nervousness.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhPQofpXkeR

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"So, tell me exactly what's going on," he says, looking me in the face.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm6L5yDeKDm

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"I fucked without a condom, and now I think I'm pregnant."524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY7h3WjcHmw

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"Okay," he replies, completely unfazed by my bluntness. "Lets find out," he says, sounding like Dora the Explorer.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeyyYyN3TEZ

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And for some reason, on some level, I don't want to explore this, because it feels as if not investing it will make the problem sublime and diffuse, but I know it won't.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCU8NkUoiBm

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"Put this on, and change," the doctor tells me, handing me the gown that patients use to cover themselves.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDHhy20MHPf

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He does an overall examination before the test, but to be honest, I'm not there; I tell him "no" when he asks if I'm experiencing pain during the breast and pelvic examinations, but apart from that, I'm gone.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ75BRaOLkwy

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"Okay. It's too early to see the baby doing an external ultrasound, so I'm going to have to do a trans-vaginal ultrasound."524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoSMtE6SAPG

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All I hear is the word "ultrasound"; my heart beat skyrockets.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRcZYIiuPqJ

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He must be misreading my expression, because he suddenly try's to reassure me.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNnNVXsPBEb

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"It won't be painful—"524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡspW079Gi0G

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"That's not it. I don't want a baby,"524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg9FQC6RMxF

I reply, and god does it feel good to finally say those words out loud to someone.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfFlrvpYh4n

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I've thought them many times, but there's this sense of release that comes with saying it out loud, like taking a shit after holding it in for an entire day (if you're one of those people who finds shitting in public to be absolutely terrifying, such as yours truly).524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm4j1UNurc2

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He gives me a sympathetic look, but says nothing, and for that I'm grateful.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0nHdyFzt4A

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What would he say? 'It's okay'? 'You'll be a great mother'? 524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWDJu5fr8Xx

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I hate it when people know absolutely nothing about you, but suddenly become your personal counsellor once they hear a sentence of your life. If I were the kind of person to divulge my personal information and feelings, then maybe, I'd take their advice, but since you they nothing about me, it's just annoying.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRPKTkd00Bv

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He's talking to me now, preparing for the ultrasound and telling me what will happen, but I can't concentrate on what he's saying.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLPv0friIl2

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However, as I feel the cold probe enter me, it feels so... final. Like the final nail to my coffin.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9hCUBTsum3

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This is it.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqJAfjLLMt0

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He turns off the light so that he can see the image on the ultrasound screen, and that screen is now the only major source of light in the room, begging to be looked at, but I can't do it.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡspfL61cukW

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"Well..." Dr. Davidson says, sounding surprised, but not in a good way.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTDTMhtCZsj

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I start to shake, trembling so hard that the paper covering the cot on which I am laying begins to rattle loudly.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT1cutEJTkZ

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"Miss Quinn, the good news is, you're not pregnant", he says.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1bBJP5J53X

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I freeze.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoikCl1f8S0

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Then I breathe.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlDdHWjdDye

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I let out a loud breath of relief, as relief is my automatic response to hearing something like that in a situation like this.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRloMUFOBoI

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However, as soon as that breath is released, I 524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHas8cSLAhs

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1) remember that Dr. Davidson seems unpleasantly surprised, 524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ13ndmwkQe9

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2) realise that he said "the good news is"; that means that there's bad news, too, and524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡboBl10AfLE

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3)realise that he is still inspecting my insides with the probe, frowning at the screen.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhFG5VdjNQt

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Something isn't right.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwd8oY2kgfT

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"Dr. Davidson, what's wrong?" I ask, sounding like a nervous wreck all over again.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl5Cn65s99M

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He continues to look at the screen, and I can see that he knows exactly what is wrong with me; it's just one of those moments in which you try to figure out how to phrase something in the best way possible so as to lessen the blow.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHq31CS7GXq

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He sighs, and pulls the probe out, then switches off the machine.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp6XThntYMl

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"Your condition is in no way life-threatening, Miss Quinn," he states, it might just cause complications in the future."524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8KipfmVhAG

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"Do you mind telling me what my condition is, before I shit myself?" I snarl as he turns on the light and hands me a wad of tissue paper.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0MV4LVp2hv

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His lips twitch. 524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXTdnj5ox02

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"You've been nothing but nervous since you stepped into my office. I said that so that you wouldn't shit yourself."524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF46ga6YlSo

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Through my nervousness I have to smile at him.524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1bHxgYsUvY

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"Okay so what do I have?"524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPGKh8a8RcJ

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"Miss Quinn, you have fibroids."524Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiNecsOk9qU

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