從那天起,伊蘭不再用那種透過他緬懷故人的目光注視他了。取而代之的,是一種直面他的坦然。她會在練習的間隙主動找他聊天,會在某些小事上表達自己的關心,甚至偶爾露出些許玩笑般的笑容。50Please respect copyright.PENANA1NDBmNM7mq
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這種轉變讓他感到既放鬆又不安。從那種壓抑的目光中得到解放,卻又害怕她發現了替代的秘密。不過,在伊蘭遲遲未多說什麼後,他就逐漸淡忘了這件事,也沒有多餘的心思再想了。50Please respect copyright.PENANA6sbet3lLWZ
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時間就像逐漸腐朽金屬的銹斑,一點一點侵蝕著他作為『童逸洋』的認知。當他逐漸淡忘真實身分時,手臂內側那淡淡的痕跡總會提醒他,他是『童逸洋』,是弟弟留下的痕跡,不是哥哥。50Please respect copyright.PENANAZScE1CpK4y
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這種身份錯亂逐漸拖垮了他的精神。他的情緒變得極其不穩定,稍有刺激便容易引發暴怒或崩潰。每當周遭的人用哥哥的名字呼喚他時,他只能在心底壓抑著一股無聲的咆哮,明知道自己是『童逸洋』,卻被迫活在另一個人的影子裡。50Please respect copyright.PENANAl1TK4puC2A
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而這一切,都是他不經大腦犯下的苦果。然而,這場由他主導的錯誤,一旦開始就無法再叫停。50Please respect copyright.PENANAeC255L2OUw
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因為這已不是他僅僅一個人的問題。如果他試圖喊停,當初選擇幫忙隱瞞真相的父母,必然會受到牽連。50Please respect copyright.PENANAJSmNxLOMo5
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在上大學之後,童逸洋偶爾會夢到一個與自己長得一模一樣的男人,質問他『為什麼要這樣做』。每每驚醒,他卻無法記起那個人到底是誰。無論是被取代身分的『哥哥』,還是被放棄身分的『弟弟』,他都懷著無法消弭的罪惡感。50Please respect copyright.PENANAB08L6BtkRn
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恐懼與悔意,如同潛伏在黑暗中的巨大猛獸,不斷追趕著他,逼迫著他,就等著他崩潰的那一刻到來,再將他一口吞噬殆盡。50Please respect copyright.PENANABVsy0njUT3
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終於,在他大三的某一天,這根脆弱的導火線,被點燃了──50Please respect copyright.PENANArDDca2vrl0
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童逸洋是住校生,平時星期六上完課後會回家,星期一再啟程回學校。那天正好是星期一,一家三口坐在餐桌前用早餐。今天的早餐是童思琳做的,簡單的雞蛋三明治搭配豆漿,是兩兄弟小時候的最愛。童逸洋神色懨懨,毫無胃口。50Please respect copyright.PENANAeHKqOXGugm
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最近的噩夢越來越頻繁,昨晚也不例外。再這樣下去,他能撐到什麼時候?50Please respect copyright.PENANA5rd1p5Gxgf
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「怎麼啦大亦,是不是身體不舒服呀?」50Please respect copyright.PENANAmEXrsZ8VD6
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見兒子完全不吃早餐,童思琳溫柔地出言關心。她只是正常地關心兒子,但現在的童逸洋精神緊繃又有些神經質,這聲『大亦』無疑是莫大無比的刺激。50Please respect copyright.PENANA6Uqf0VguNa
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所以,他爆發了。
童逸洋動作粗暴地推開桌子站起,桌腳與地板激烈碰撞發出刺耳的摩擦聲,彷彿青年內心中撕裂的哀鳴。瞠大的雙目佈滿通紅的血絲,彷彿隨時都能淌出血淚。50Please respect copyright.PENANABZV8nAlsPt
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「我不是大亦,我是小逸!外面那群人不知道,你們還不知道嗎?!爸!!媽!!!」50Please respect copyright.PENANAexxjldg3xO
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壓抑將近十年的痛苦再這一刻崩潰,似泣血若悲鳴。不受控的感情宣洩過後,他陷入一段空白的清醒,以及後知後覺的恐慌。50Please respect copyright.PENANA1VnGd8kuKc
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青年的大動作震翻了桌上的豆漿,乳白色液體從杯中濺出灑滿桌面,濕漉漉的狼藉像是一場無聲的控訴。父母呆滯僵硬地望著自己,童思琳的眼中瀰漫著濃烈的哀戚與霧氣,向來上揚的嘴角此刻卻抿得緊緊的,失去了平時的笑意。50Please respect copyright.PENANAiYXK0u91TZ
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眼前的情景,與當年楊亦桐失控時的畫面如出一轍。只不過這次,他不再是那個旁觀者,而是親身陷入其中的當事人。50Please respect copyright.PENANAhUfN836BPI
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咬緊了後槽牙,童逸洋提起放置在一旁的背包,不去看後方父母的神情,身形狼狽地奪門而出。50Please respect copyright.PENANAGTAbL8dehX
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渾渾噩噩地來到大學,童逸洋一時之間忘了自己的身份,腦中不斷浮現童思琳剛剛的表情,內心那無處宣洩的愧疚快將他壓垮。50Please respect copyright.PENANAMGoRhhD2ya
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當初提出交換身份的是自己,他有什麼資格去遷怒童思琳?可青年又確切地知道,他撐不下去了。50Please respect copyright.PENANAGO5MAuB5lu
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要解脫又不牽連父母的方法……就只有……50Please respect copyright.PENANA2Um9F7JX0O
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「欸?這不是我們的楊桐桐嗎?」50Please respect copyright.PENANA4LQRo5KqAz
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在童逸洋陷入思緒之中時,一道輕快陽光的聲音從後方響起。一名金髮挑染紅色的青年二話不說衝上來與童逸洋勾肩搭背,完全沒注意到童逸洋此刻的異樣。50Please respect copyright.PENANA5aY2lIU1I5
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這位青年是童逸洋的室友,名作許鑫陽。這個人平時隨和,表現也無特別出眾,與童逸洋交情不錯。只是有點重色輕友,經常蹺課並找他幫忙點名。50Please respect copyright.PENANAlSwpSVaGIj
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這次,也不會是個例外。50Please respect copyright.PENANAQBKUrjWKQI
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「楊桐桐,我待會想去和女朋友約會,可以幫忙點──」50Please respect copyright.PENANAzsTk4riOfZ
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「不幫。」50Please respect copyright.PENANAtquHGrRyra
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童逸洋此刻的內心中刮著狂風暴雨,一聲『不幫』已經是他竭盡全力壓抑情緒後的極限。但許鑫陽向來粗線條,沒察覺到這點,還不死心地想盧青年答應。50Please respect copyright.PENANAeEV8hhX9uH
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「別這樣說嘛,點個名而已……」50Please respect copyright.PENANApqVFbkeuUv
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「我說我不願意。」50Please respect copyright.PENANAkenk3X4tp7
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青年語氣裡的暴躁情緒如洪水般洩露出來,許鑫陽終於發現不對勁,卻沒能理解。想到自己的親親女友,悻悻然地埋怨了一句。50Please respect copyright.PENANADInGSNGfTi
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「衝啥啊,不就只是找你幫忙點個名而已,兇屁啊……」50Please respect copyright.PENANAVQBtR98WTf
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原本勉力撐住的理智,再一次瞬間崩塌。童逸洋赤紅著雙眼,舉起緊握著的拳頭,朝對方揮去。50Please respect copyright.PENANAdHYxMrDfZu
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童逸洋這一拳幾乎沒有收力。沒預想到對方會突然出拳揍人的許鑫陽躲閃不及,喋喋不休的話語在拳頭落下的瞬間戛然而止,牙齒狠狠咬到舌頭,嘴角滲出了鮮血。50Please respect copyright.PENANApqtINGrIEk
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「靠!楊亦桐你發什麼瘋!」50Please respect copyright.PENANANR2R6p31Nb
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臉上挨了一拳的許鑫陽捂著臉,吃痛地往後退,且氣得破口大罵,但就是沒有要回擊的意思。50Please respect copyright.PENANAQSiHIk6JAH
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他不是楊亦桐!50Please respect copyright.PENANA7M6EI2LAFM
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赤著眼的童逸洋又一次高高舉起拳頭,拳頭即將再次落下的那刻,旁邊注意到異樣的幾名同學趕忙衝上來,一左一右將他拉開。被架住的他起初還在激烈掙扎,試圖擺脫那些束縛自己的手。50Please respect copyright.PENANA1ZSB5VdznB
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直到,耳邊傳來那道熟悉的呼喚聲。50Please respect copyright.PENANAE7iRzfDXYs
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「楊哥哥……?」50Please respect copyright.PENANArYrNyWHodk
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理智像被冰水澆醒般逐漸回籠,這時他才驚覺自己剛剛做了什麼。目光四下游移,映入眼簾的是對他指指點點的人群,以及就是滿眼恐懼地望著他的女同學。50Please respect copyright.PENANAHqc1rufPHk
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而在人群中,那個嬌小的少女正呆愣愣地看著他。伊蘭的眼神裡,充滿了難以掩飾的震驚……以及他看不懂的情緒。50Please respect copyright.PENANAdtHAWj1okp
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他失控了……50Please respect copyright.PENANAtZCFwFOJjl
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「抱歉。」50Please respect copyright.PENANASB6ejuRpYy
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一聲含糊的歉語匆匆落下,童逸洋掙脫了那兩位同學的束縛,如同驚弓之鳥般逃離了現場。他幾乎用衝撞的方式推開了大門,闖進空無一人的練習室。50Please respect copyright.PENANAoa5zOY3RJd
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他快步走向角落的電子琴,彷彿要撕開某種壓抑,猛地扯開覆蓋在琴鍵上的棉布,修長的手指撫上琴鍵,閉上眼開始彈奏起來。50Please respect copyright.PENANA1WrZbPqNrX
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黑白分明的琴鍵發出『噹!噹!』的哀鳴聲,雜亂無章的旋律彷彿在釋放負面的情緒,充滿黑暗與毀滅。50Please respect copyright.PENANAsYXU3PYA8V
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在這片混亂的樂聲中,他依稀聽見練習室的門被推開的聲響,但他選擇了忽視。他的手指依舊在琴鍵上跳動,像是與自己心中的煩躁和憤怒進行一場殊死的搏鬥。50Please respect copyright.PENANAP9MfFXloDR
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進門的人並沒有打攪他的『演奏』,而是默默地,耐心地在一旁等待他結束。50Please respect copyright.PENANAaZO8QkD9Nj
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直到最後一個音符戛然而止,童逸洋微喘著氣,拭去額頭上的汗水。緩緩轉過頭,伊蘭嬌小單薄的身影站在不遠處,鹿眸中映現出他的倒影,就這麼靜靜地注視著他。50Please respect copyright.PENANAOcQ1q33vPL