So. There is a shadow on the wall where I go to bed at night, and it isn’t my shadow. In my room there should be no shadows now because there is no light. I am not awake now, but I still know full well that the shadow exists there where I sleep. But I’m not asleep in my bed either. All is not quite as it seems right now and I’ve taken to the wardrobe to nap with my jackets and mothy scarves, and the tie left me from my father’s side in mommy’s will. With difficulty I was able to lock two knobs on the outside for the wardrobe doors with a zip tie, which has locked me in this small space now. I am awake but dreaming, or dreaming but awake, it makes not much difference now, as the knowledge remains, that there is a shadow reaching the wall from my bed of a figure sleeping where I have always slept. This is strange for a number of reasons.
I don’t believe in the supernatural, with the exception of giants. (The evidence is undeniable. Even just the other day I met one on my way to Lidl to purchase extra-long zip ties. This was actually pointless since Lidl doesn’t sell specialised hardware items such as extra-long zip ties. But then maybe this was obvious, and I didn’t stop to think. But I did stop during that day at a zebra crossing, waiting for the green man to kill the red man. And beside me, sidled up the giant. He was fairly regular looking man, white tee-léine and denim jeans. Nice hock of blonde hair on top. Quite handsome indeed. I looked up to his face and saluted him, he became a bit embarrassed by this but luckily the lights switched, and we moved on with our days.) So, this was strange for a number of reasons. The shadow didn’t belong to a giant or a human.
In the wardrobe haze, so intent I was in the shadow, I drifted off into a sleep and I had a dream where I floated out of my house and into a garden of many frilly flowers. In the center of this garden was my mother, or a figure who represented my mother, wearing a white maternity gown and bending slightly, pouring a jug into the pond in the garden’s center. Behind, a path led to a great mountain, and I knew, through the logic that only belongs to dreams, that if I continued that path, it would take me all the way – up, up, up the mountain to meet the sun. But the path was not for me, as the mother figure beckoned me over. I stepped forward. Upon reaching her I realised that she had thick ravened wings like an angel and one foot was bare and in the center pond. She flicked her index finger heaven-wards, and a flaming square appeared above us. Gradually then, a flaming triangle was brought into life within the square. I thought this was highly significant for something. When my eyes came down again, the mother figure was no longer pregnant, and a black vortex had opened within her chest. I was overcome with the urge to reach into it but then realised that my hands were bound behind my back with a zip tie. This caused me to wake up.
Now, I was in an alleyway. My hands were not bound, and I was in no such wardrobe. I had a neck ache from the way that I had been lying and drool staining my jacket and mothy scarf. It was cold then and I walked out of this alley and surveyed which ditch I’d found myself in in this present. It was an industrial complex. There were several frontless warehouses and no cars and lots of free parking spaces. I walked forward. I heard a faint screeching then, like a high-pitched bird or woman. I looked in its direction and there was a large derelict oil refinery in the distance. This would now be my destination, I reasoned. I walked on.
I walked for a long time. It turned out that the ruin was much further than I had anticipated, and much taller than I could have dreamed of. It took a total of three nights to reach the closest wall. But by this time the screech had ended. I cupped the wall with my hand, and it was brick dust combined with rust of some large grinding animal. The grass was long here and almost overtaking the ruin. I found a nearby door and went inside. Inside was a staircase and I began climbing the stairs to the top, so as to survey this world I’d woken up in.
But I underestimated the height of the staircase, and it took another three days, all be said, to reach the peaks. At the top of the steps was a set of two metal doors with two doorknobs. I entered and then woke up in my closet. But by now I was very thirsty and demanded a drink. My mind drifted to the pond in which the mother figure’s foot was dipped, and I so longed to throw myself down and drink from that pond, however unsanitary. In an animalistic manic panic, I began to throw myself against the tied doors, which were only wood, so even little old I could surmount them. And it took many hours or minutes, but I came through the doors. And I was out.
But then something I had forgotten in all of my inhumane rage, to note the shadow of the unknown in my bed. Now here I was face to face. There was someone sleeping here, as I observed, but they were in a very deep sleep, as my hours or minutes of bang and crashing had not disturbed whoever it was. I reckoned that the figure had long blonde hair and that it covered the face now. I ventured closer and lifted the hair out of the way of their eyes. And then found that it was my real and total mother, asleep here. I felt instant relief. And left the room on the way to the bathroom tap to get a drink of water.
The layout of my house was unfamiliar to me however, and I did not know the way to the bathroom. I found that there were many bathrooms in this place. In the first bathroom I found my father shaving so I couldn’t use the water there so moved on, and then the next bathroom had no amenities, so I moved on again. The third bathroom had a sink but no toilet, and the sink had no taps, so no luck again. I decided it might be more logical to try my luck downstairs, but at this time this whole episode was making me weary, so I threw myself down of the stairs.
This, I reflected during the fall, may have been a good move, as I was freefalling for a long length of time. As I soared downwards, I passed many framed paintings which my parents had made when in art college, and then the family pictures Mommy with the dark eyes and dad with his moustache. And then I began to think that this may not have been the best idea after all – as it was only a matter of time before I splatted to the ground floor. But luckily, at the final moment I was caught in an embrace with a white silk rope attached to a hook on the hall door. And this unfurled revealing my mommy and it was an embrace with her then.
But as I felt the wood under my feet, the embrace ceased to be, and I stood alone at the foot of the stairs. My Father in a dark suit was standing immediately before me, fixing a tie around my neck. He was off talking of how it was passed down from his father, his father’s father, and presumably, from his father’s father’s father’s father’s father’s father’s father’s father. That would connect us somewhere to the royal line. The front door was open, and a dark car was idling outside. A shout from outside. Then my attention came back to Daddy. Can’t bring a single tear. Can’t bring a single tear. Emotionless motherfucker. Motherfucker...
I excused myself before we left and found the proper bathroom, and the sink had water and a bouquet which had fallen in to the sink and I dipped my full head into the sink (after firmly locking and zip tying the door shut) and as I pushed my way into the sink down and down and down and down, I dropped out the opposite side.
As I have said and will say again, there are no such things as fantasies. The Giants are real. Mommy is sleeping in my bed now. Her shadow will be with me always. The oil refinery is further than I think it is. The square contains a triangle. This is how it is. None of this is at all connected I must suspect. I lose consciousness.
And I wake up in the garden with the mother figure and pond. But now the figure has disappeared, and the pond reflects the moon above, as it is night. I reach the waters and wash my face and feel refreshed in its delicate waters. Looking up at the moon, I note that it is travelling slowly down towards the mountain in the distance, and I know then, and in the logic which only exists in dreams, I know that when I reach the peak through the path, guided by the moon’s light, I will be able to reach onto the moon and there mommy and I can be together. So, I go.
ns 172.71.223.165da2
and then Add to home screen.