業渚 - [業渚]夢中的情話

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　　赤羽業一如往常的沖泡咖啡加奶精加糖，他慣於在這時候放空腦袋休息，即便是在這時候，他依然如此。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb4g27mcZ6k
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　　攪拌咖啡時他看見自己的倒影迴轉在波紋中，意外的竟可以清晰反射出他面部的表情，是一個相當平靜的情緒，他本以為自己會是一副靜靜發著怒火的神情，然而，事實並非如此。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIfcZ7KT1rL
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　　和表情同樣，他的內心此刻也靜謐的像火種熄滅似的，只有一縷青煙騰空散去。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEkQBjCBbrY
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　　他不禁想，自己比起中學時候確實是成熟了些——尤其在看到娛樂版頭條醒目的標語之後，還能做些和普通日常無異的行為，而不是在那裡懊惱與憤恨——自己單戀了十幾年的人和當紅女明星傳出緋聞，作為證據，報導還放上兩人前往某溫泉旅館時的同遊照片。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡESl7MqudOk
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　　赤羽業啜飲著咖啡醒腦，明天他有一場重要的議會質詢，為了這場質詢，他能掌握的資料都已經準備妥當，務必成功達陣。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmCRgZXQLVv
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　　在迅速打著資料重點時，赤羽業想起以前看過的動畫，裡面一句台詞就是在說明成熟與不成熟的差異，成熟的人接受事實不再反抗，不成熟的人則繼續頑強抵抗。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR3CSYKHvwr
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　　若然是以前的自己，肯定是會選擇反抗吧，然而自己並沒有選擇那樣幼稚的作法，大概就是成熟。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNuFrRKqcjd
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　　身後傳來同事們閱讀報紙之後的各種驚呼，他聞所未聞，繼續著自己的工作。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR6T5GKKGxF
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　　過了二十五歲之後，除了工作，赤羽業經常回想的就是一些有關於潮田渚的相處片段。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDVcb33oRqD
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　　最初只是一個留著長髮、綁著馬尾、笑起來有些虛幻的少年，放眼望去很容易在眾人中淹沒的稀薄存在感，卻因那時的偶然，令他目光全然留在他身上。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMLGv3g4R09
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　　赤羽業從來沒有對潮田渚說過，他對他最初的印象來自於某個放學後的黃昏教室，當時他出了校門憶起遺漏了作業本，便趕緊回教室欲拿取，剛好教室大門尚未關上，他正要踏入之時卻被眼前景緻停住腳步——逢魔時刻的色彩渲染整間教室，在他目光所及之處的人，綁著馬尾，藍色髮絲裡滲透著金黃色，背對著他。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiqoTu8WYRe
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　　彷彿愛麗絲的兔子洞，誘惑著好奇的孩子一探究竟。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd7jLxWeTcp
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　　日後，他經常回想的就是那樣的場景，靜謐的時刻裡，看著遠方夕陽沈落的少年。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWRZxVdKVHw
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　　假如那時候，更靠近些，或許便能得知少年那時在思考的事情了吧。　67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh5k2H9Bg7S
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　　赤羽業不只一次地這麼揣想。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4tTog5gj2b
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　　更靠近些，也就更能了解少年了，或者，讓少年想靠近自己，這份從那時便持續的單戀或許就能劃下結果——無論是否如願，至少不用懷抱揣想，一驚一顫地。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjEaanHNk5g
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　　結束了一整天的工作，赤羽業走出辦公室時已滿天星斗。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8wzIneudgI
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　　冷咧的風吹來，寒的讓人哆嗦，迎風而行的他卻忽然笑了，抑不可止的笑了，剝落了從早上就武裝的情緒笑了。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXHbUVNVNl3
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　　隨著緊繃情緒忽然的潰堤，他感覺到溫熱的液體從自己的臉龐滑落。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNnm9UxUuNB
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　　他想自己的確是很難受，不然一向不輕易落淚的他怎會突然無法阻止地不斷掉淚，弔詭是自己臉上還是一副笑容，而他知道自己是真心地露出笑容的。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc8J5r3kl9A
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　　原來，再怎麼了解自己，終究還是會有無法理解的地方——就像小說角色因各種情緒的混雜那樣，他又笑又哭。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaUtMDk1CbA
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　　而他以為自己不會。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzCVtI98Erg
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　　他本來以為自己不會的。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡogEWFlInI1
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　　不過就是喜歡的人似乎有了喜歡的對象，而那個對象偏偏不是自己罷了，沒什麼大不了的。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFCDfcEfCTv
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　　沒什麼大不了的，不是嗎？67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlw78mVW4u8
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　　不是嗎？67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjIqU1o83Yf
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　　赤羽業中學之後常常會夢到潮田渚。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCCNxAhh8LZ
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　　綁著馬尾的他，升上中學三年級之後的他，留著短髮的他。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrw0Wjiwy4t
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　　無論哪一個他，只要看到他，潮田渚都會露出笑容往他而來，並說著美妙的話語，是只能在夢裡聽見的情話。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9p1VH8Urb7
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　　所以，在住家周圍見到早上才在報紙裡看到的人出現的時候，赤羽業恍惚還以為自己疲累到走著睡著了——尤其，對方還一臉笑容的往自己走過來時，簡直重現了夢境場景。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkr1tERRPeU
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　　「業，你今天好晚回來啊。」67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt5HvXLIFMk
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　　雖然擺著一張笑容，然而赤羽業敏銳感覺到那笑顏下潛藏著的疲憊。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5HlCt93GLO
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　　啊啊，是這麼回事嗎？67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnVNH5IMlfF
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　　難得的，赤羽業對自己洞悉人性這一點感到厭惡。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqovmPO3Ebg
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　　「明天有重要的質詢，所以剛剛還在處理。」他頓了頓，並沒想戳破什麼地裝傻「渚，這麼晚了，你怎麼會來呢？」67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡURBQYJyyvt
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　　「……原來，業沒有看到報紙嗎？」不知道是放心還是懊惱，潮田渚呼了口氣「今天我下班回家時，發現家裡附近躲著好幾個記者，大概是想來打聽些事情吧」言至此，赤羽業難得見到潮田渚露出苦笑「而我的父母貌似也被騷擾了，便傳簡訊讓我今天別回家去別處躲著，等過個幾天就會沒事了。」67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6gROw2p6z9
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　　潮田渚的言詞閃爍，大概是有些顧慮吧。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrBFGznd89d
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　　他並沒有興致去讓自己受傷，因此潮田渚言詞隱蔽的那些內容，儘管他猜得出來，他也不想直接聽到當事人直接說出。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtRajl9JEKw
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　　「所以，你想在我這裡待個幾天，是這樣的意思嗎？」他直接點出結論。確實自己之前經常拖著潮田渚灌酒，家裡是有一些渚的換洗衣物跟被子。要是他是渚也會選擇一樣的事情，一來不用花錢住在酒店裡，二來也比較方便。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKmfReqvHiQ
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　　「對，畢竟，我沒有其他可以拜託的人了。」67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKeFLiXNqeG
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　　赤羽業聽了之後直覺渚在說謊，然而卻找不出任何感覺奇怪的地方。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRN5YhBsfOd
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　　要論交情，自己的確是可以勝任的，然而說找不到人可以拜託？E班的感情在共經患難之後，是非常堅實的，除了自己之外，渚還有很多人可以拜託，想必他們也會十分樂意的（當然，肯定包含看戲的成份）。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9jQfTUedXF
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　　只是，渚的為難似乎也是真的，他似乎是真的找不到其他可以拜託的人——是以，才會沒有任何告知，就跑來他家外面等他，而他甚至不知道他會幾點回來地在寒風中等著。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEoVTFlXquM
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　　「我知道了，你就在我這裡躲個幾天吧。」67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCK50E6zpAn
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　　赤羽業有時會想，假如記憶可以回放，那麼潮田渚在他應允之後的那個畫面，他肯定會重溫數次——潮田渚喜出望外地抱住他，透過衣服傳來的溫熱，他曉得渚十分高興，雖然他還感覺到更深層次的欣喜，而那個欣喜在之後才能明白。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvYAgkSav5z
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　　當時的他僅僅是以為渚對於他讓他躲在他家裡這件事情感謝而已，直到後來發現誤會一場，他聽見和夢裡一樣的話語時，他才明白那時感覺到的謊言與欣喜的意義。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWaHkp35HKT
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「二十五歲時，赤羽業看見了自己單戀的人出現在報紙的版面上，那是一個和女明星緋聞的版面。從十三歲和少年相遇的時候，他這一份單戀就開始了。直到年老，他從來也沒說出口。沒有人知道的戀情不存在，所以他只是陪在潮田渚的身邊，他陪了多久，這份單戀就多久。六十五歲時，赤羽業還是陪在喜歡的人身邊。直到老死前，他都沒有說出口。」67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ytRQbr22M
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以上是我寫文的最初動機與結構。以業的角度出發的單戀，只是，業對於這份戀情並沒有想放手一搏，以致於他和渚的關係始終在非常奇妙的情況。原設定中的渚也並沒有結婚，從業的角度無法知道渚的內心，所以並不能明白渚不結婚的原因。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfh1KPgE082
67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdLIhQhMJtB
不過寫文寫著就會出現慣性，所以最後還是回到不太遺憾的層面。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsAQiiPQfdj
67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHLAZd5xwMv
以前跟徘徊討論過，對於業渚，業必須處於主動才能得到好結果，假如兩個都沒有意識到，儘管遺憾但也不太虐，然而一方清醒一方迴避，那就有趣了。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvv8RHmX7VC
67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfUXi4IS3Ie
這文章大概有涉及到這一層面的討論。67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj43JxU234P
67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfqk8wckES7
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