獨普-冬日系列
作者:
竺蓁
竺蓁
篇 #5
[APH][獨普][文]「我從小的願望，一直是希望你能快樂笑著。」
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路德維希想起很久以前的某一個冬天。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPh2lwxN3cj
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雪花零落，伴隨著風在牖外交錯斜成千絲萬緒。他趴在窗几，視線穿過玻璃，愣愣地盯著那潔白地掩蓋一切的風雪。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK6msm1S9jc
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身後火爐旺盛的燃燒，在壓著夜色蒼茫的玻璃映照著橙黃色系的搖曳，雪白與暈黃，像極端卻又共存的異體。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWsB2Xyq2GN
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「威斯特，你在看什麼呢？」兄長的嗓音自背後冒出，伴隨著爐火似的溫暖懷抱。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8YqKRUb8Us
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基爾伯特下巴壓著路德小小地頭，跟著他的視線望向那風雪，也許瞭解什麼，他嘴角露出一抹極其溫柔地笑窩，而後伸手捏捏他鼻子。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVe5m59MlIb
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因著兄長舉止，他小小地眉皺起，奇異的是內心並無不快。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3hAiR2jWAI
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就在他面露惡色同刻兄長立即放掉捉弄他的手，於是他仰首凝睇抱住他的人面容，原以為入眼的會是方才那溫柔的像是雪花融化班地靨容，卻見兄長彷彿惡作劇得逞般的稚童咭咭地竊笑。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNGZk8pVSP0
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面上並無任何情緒起伏，然他卻用著非常認真、探索似的神情直直注視咫尺近容顏，狀似思考著什麼。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcpOciOoOhO
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被他那樣毫不避諱的熱切眼神盯著的兄長以為他由於他故意的疼愛而生怒，原本閃爍著得意目光的瞳色漸漸暗緩，或許還帶著一些不知所措的慌張，張口欲言卻停頓，或許過於不知輕重的性格讓兄長此時無法好好處理這類屬於情緒性的問題，尤其始作俑者還是他的情況。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1exRe3dXDm
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多年以後路德維希憶起那一瞬間，纔驚然自己當時的舉措是多麼讓人不可思議。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPvQG6wkKym
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那時他望著兄長良久，並伸出手，彷彿探尋、確認什麼的在兄長的五官上摸索，直到他觸摸到兄長仍帶著笑窩的唇邊時，他才停下動作，還不明白他伸手用意為何的兄長凝睇著他下一步，接觸到兄長如此眼神的路德維希內心油然升起一股柔軟地情緒，輕輕地在唇邊綻放。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfUwzAQN1ja
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興許是沒料到他最後竟會綻出笑顏罷，基爾伯特瞳孔驀然劇縮，半晌毫無聲息。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZNli2An0gL
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路德維希這纔留意到他整個人被包在熱呼的彷彿有爐火旺盛的體溫中，那是一直伴隨著他誕生時刻的熟悉記憶，甚至伴隨他整個冬日，因而讓他依戀地在基爾伯特的懷中蹭了蹭，眼都笑瞇了。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn8IpHkuYhh
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如果追尋的旅程有著所謂甘果，那麼，此刻就是了吧。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7lW69SU0mp
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鮮紅如寶石地眸子輝映金黃色羊毛般的暖意，波光閃爍。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP7xmvayB6a
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……夢到懷念的光景。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhS4OhUpnza
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路德維希悠然地甦醒，冬日清晨裡滲入骨髓的寒意如刺扎於臉龐，冷的令人連思緒也彷彿僵了般，然他卻在呼吸近的距離中睇見兄長閃爍著光澤的紅眸，以及那透過空氣傳動而來的暖意，他呆然會，纔訝然原來此刻並非南柯一夢，懷裡確實的擁抱著映在記憶底的溫暖。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpOskZpYb5L
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關於兄長的懷抱，心緒總是泛湧一陣柔軟。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbzGAe0yWf1
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自最初誕生起始，兄長就毫不吝惜地將他所有情感全數往他灌注，後來他細數共同生活過的點滴，纔驚覺兄長待他自然不過的態度，就宛如窮盡生命最後一抹焰火燃燒的飛蛾，卻讓每一個與他度過的時光彷彿鍍金似的散發橙黃光輝。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXKPufjvZKk
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於是，在與兄長分離的歲月裡，每當他獨自一人，腦裡便無法控制如跑馬燈奔騰，那些鮮明不已、恍如昨日般清晰，屬於他和他的溫暖回憶，總讓他輕輕一觸喉頭就湧上哽咽。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ugyyCpDcy
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而在所有的回憶中，總少不了兄長溫柔的懷抱。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡge9WCbOkbk
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還小時，兄長恍如呵護世界上最珍貴的寶物般，時常摟抱住他，無論是冬雪紛飛或是春暖花開的日子，幾乎一轉身就被疼寵地納入高溫的臂窩，爾後臉上綻放如夏季晴空日光顛仆地落在林蔭上的笑靨，真切而直接地傳達出情感。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHatwXNZYfU
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他印象裡，兄長體溫一直非常的高，小時後只直覺也許大人們的體溫都比較高吧，然而成長後纔發現並非那回事，兄長是屬於那些本身體溫偏高的類型，跟是否為小孩、大人全沒關係。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWTx0xeP6Ju
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雖然夏天被兄長毫無預警抱住他時隨之傳遞過來的熱度總讓他幾欲脫逃，但不諱言冬天時他都很開心被抱住蹭，因為那就等於依偎在暖爐裡抵禦風雪侵蝕的安心。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡamQWXYlBXd
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然而，即使兄長的體溫總是略高，仍有比之前任何時候都來得低，甚至比常人體溫還低的日子。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkqfPur5TP1
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路德維希驟然思起那段令他初識恐懼的往事，當時緊抱在懷的兄長體溫不斷降低，低到他甚至以為兄長沒有任何猶疑，甚而亦不回首地背離他，踽踽獨行於幽暗道路。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ786hiWXoFG
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路德維希恍惚見到那描繪在腦中的景緻在眼前搬演，也許兄長還會邊走邊笑著喃喃讓他聽著就忍不住痛苦的話吧。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgDsknZice7
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也許兄長從未思量過他的那口頭禪總使他難受。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOQT0k9LnBY
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即使基爾伯特總是一副毫不在乎，口氣不屑的呶嘴，臉上掛著令人不悅的笑容，握拳大吼著那些對現狀根本就毫無幫助的話，在他耳裡聽來卻像是在訴說不要離別的懇求，在話語的背後徘徊。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY6ZHKWRdaZ
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他曉得很多時候兄長忿忿地低語那句話時，根本僅是對熟悉情況反射性的回應。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtlODVYUnUl
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他的心卻仍然因那句話感到痛，或許還有夾雜不捨的情緒。兄長或許不曉得吧，那些反芻在他嘴裡的惡毒言詞往往就是內心渴求的反照。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV2rKGGaV3J
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正因透析這道理，於是每當聽見兄長蠻不再忽地講出時他內心總像被針扎的疼，彷彿被兄長否定了他陪在他身邊的事實。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbxJYk7Vp9k
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之此，他曾經提出疑惑，明明陪在他身邊，明明最常被他擁抱在懷的人是他，為什麼兄長仍舊經常露出被誰拋棄的灰敗切齒臉色。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZr5eC6nm7n
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那時兄長聽了他的認真無比的問句，目光先是凝視他數秒，而後放柔。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3hZq8i7I6o
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「你果然是我全世界最可愛的弟弟。」71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmJBtwt5I09
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「咦？」他不曉得為何兄長會如此回應，他的問題不該是這種答覆啊。或許是他的困惑不解的神色，兄長閉目沉思，而後帶著笑意開口。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4yi3zT0X1P
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「一個人雖然很快樂，可是，你在我身邊我更快樂。」71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg6THhxvKfN
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至今他都未能忘懷那時的衝擊，即使在之前他也見過兄長不帶任何陰霾地放心開懷，卻都遠遠比不上那卸下所有防備的靨容。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ55xynFeb57
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怎麼會忘了？那從小就不斷祈禱的願望。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcQWIRSCGuv
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就僅僅是如此簡單。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8kfa9yJNbf
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「……威斯特？」基爾伯特輕淺地喚著他暱稱時路德維希眨眨眼，一副半寐半醒的模樣。「你是被我傳染到感冒了嗎？」白髮青年開口複問，眼神裡透露出擔憂。睇見面前的人忡忡的神色，不知怎地，他忽然湧上一股愉悅的心情而露出笑意。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI4YoamED21
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「沒，我沒有感冒。」71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcoNYba11sr
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「那你怎麼恍神了？」71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrdi3FrtdXk
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基爾伯特目光透出疑惑，路德維希望著他的眼神思起那些令他感到耳燙的畫面，以及那從內心不斷祈禱的話語。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfltxrgBSdk
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莫名的他突然很想對兄長述說方才他所想的那些，然話到嘴邊卻被他嚥回去，不只是文字成形的語彙無法表達出完整心情，況且那種想法亦實在令他難為情。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrMuvqE49T6
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目眙兄長忡忡的目光，路德維希此刻感到內心好似說謊被抓個正著的孩子，在吞吐實話之間躊躇不前地忐忑。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ93smUROXMj
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思考數分後，他決定將類似的問句丟回給兄長，或許如此便能移轉兄長對他方才恍惚的注意。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFL5KW8CcCW
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「哥哥醒來的時候在想著什麼呢？」他盯著眉間糾結的兄長，一字一字慢慢地唸著。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtxeQHYMdXF
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或許真是成功了吧，原本皺眉的基爾伯特在聞見他問話時鬆開，並從擔憂轉成困惑。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeFe9CZD4R7
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「咦？我嗎？」想起有趣的事情般，他地嗓音抹上溫潤笑意「我在想啊，從我回來以後一切就好像顛倒了呢。」71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv0J4Rqaan6
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「顛倒？」路德維希莫名地瞅著兄長笑顏燦爛，思忖兄長顛倒的言外之意，是指他們之前懸殊的體格嘛？還是身份上的錯置？或者是曾經榮耀而今榮光不再？抑或者是他們之間的經濟能力？71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVhAMQLYAgB
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然則，答案卻不是他上述所想的任何一個。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5o1M0Gi9ze
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJrx83BEPx
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「是的，顛倒呢。像是昨天夜裡我睡不著，跑去客廳找你的情景就如同你小時候拖著棉襖來找我的情境呢。」71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCMrj0jKDCc
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPCRBVFugOA
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡScGqqDdHuz
兄長的話語猶如看不見的指引，連結上存在於過去裡某個熟悉的片段。他壓抑倏然湧上喉間的喜悅，極力維持平靜地回應。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBDRvlVRFwr
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMgcr7ad7kj
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「這麼久了的事情你還記得啊。」71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNKzF5G1rTr
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtIzy0VZ88n
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2km4vlShSM
「只要是威斯特的事情，我每件都記得很清楚呢。」兄長興許是非常得意，在他臉上又重建了幼年曾經傾慕不已、閃耀自豪的表情。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9TxCrfkoHM
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWloYk5Glh0
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ56o5VZevu
「這樣啊……」71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxxWW9nlyxo
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8PkraxY5p4
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhjdnwwH6IS
沒料到兄長竟會如他一般，深深地記著他們相處的點點滴滴，他望向兄長的眼神相當地柔和，或許連路德維希也不能理解，在他眼底瀲灩的那些情愫究竟是為什麼而產生，只是他明白有些情感只會在面對兄長時出現。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ZfzL04IKa
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3PPQ9yf4GL
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrT43N5H7yk
「還有，我想到以前我回答你小時候問我的話。」71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEv0LFc54FR
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAXYOcraPTL
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfGEvgqBaC5
基爾伯特有趣地笑說，彷彿那是令他心情十分愉悅的話語。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj86qhVXEjv
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4TxPzG0Kil
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK5Yx2woOt0
他狐疑睇視兄長，他可不記得小時候說過讓兄長可以表現出回味再三也還是忍不住笑意的話來。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡayEsdcqDG2
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7IRj1hRHiN
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「嗯？什麼話？」71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡov6gQEbzAX
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVyupsT3OtV
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUTK9P63GUe
即使路德維希腦海能夠演練無數次所有兄長可能會說出口的話，他終究還是漏算了那麼一句。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqzum7eSSqb
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrn9nnyzqOV
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdUsLg2cmsf
「一個人很快樂，可是你在我身邊我更快樂！」71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlvHcITzNdV
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcjWHD84HG3
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ528LTrlxwd
睜大眼眸，路德維希不敢置信自己方才所聞，趁著這思考空隙，眼前的兄長開心的宛如獲致珍寶，張臂就是朝他撲來一個擁抱。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzQio4pyJ1o
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71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjUnBg2vhfy
驀然地，熟悉影像重疊，他頓然失足滑落過去，兄長高於常人的體溫總於冬雪覆蓋地夜裡偎暖他，讓他不需聽見兄長言語的承諾就能直覺到兄長對他的愛。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk8NrLPdbq2
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡByEEYKD67O
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfrw0Yhb5ow
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8zEqByeRxq
然而那曾經一度在戰敗後逐漸逸失的體溫，而今卻藉由不穩定的局勢再度回到他懷中，重新讓他感受到那不需任何言語就能傳遞的熱度。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSVj5HAI939
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXl7c9KTxgW
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrmsK0vl7ra
儘管那是透過隱形的牆而挽回的體溫，路德維希心緒仍舊因此激動不已，為著基爾伯特所惦念的、他從小就不斷祈禱的願望。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqBDKvrWhEu
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幼年時代，每每面對兄長自嘲的笑語他總感到無能為力，兄長遭受到的悲傷比起他所能描摹的還要更加深邃不見底。 71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnvuekts2UI
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjmzIWx4JZk
71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7UBYxrwl8N
於是，毫無能力改變當時現狀的他，只好在心中向著信仰的神祈禱，祈禱有朝一日，兄長不再將那彷如詛咒的語句掛在嘴邊，取而代之的是露出沒有任何陰霾、純粹泛著喜悅的笑顏，自由自在地與他一起生活著。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbF280Ul32I
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71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCTIGRrFyvq
他伸出臂膀，牢牢地將基爾伯特往他胸腔內心跳擂動不已的位置抱住，四周靜謐無聲，連空氣裡的浮動都悄然沈落，唯一充斥在腦際的只有彼此急促的呼吸聲。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhheqXJivst
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71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNrEtvdIOL2
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希望你能夠知曉，我的願望就僅僅是那麼簡單。71Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡabe5bB5jiH
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