Letting Their Ears Bleed..146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe1waI5kCzd
There I was sitting beside my best friend as he bombarded me with tonnes of questions as he tried to make sense of my innermost being..
Answering one of the questions he had asked, I was trying to explain to him how I had always lived my life numb without having to let myself express how I actually felt about anything, because I didn't want anyone to feel exasperated by me.
And he was telling me that what I was saying sounded impossible to live by.. "What about anger ? You are telling me you got rid of that too ?" He asked, and I replied, It would just come out wrong, I told him.
It's not that I didn't want to be part of the norm by expressing it and all that, but it's just that I grew up in an environment that never catered for how to deal with everything, whether it happened mentally, emotionally, or whatever..
So if I were to let myself feel irritated or annoyed, it would fester into anger and madness, which would just become fury and rage, which would be much worse because...
It will just need other physical ways or forms of expressing itself, like breaking things or beating everyone around into a pulp, which will just be something else..
And so as we spoke, I might have left out in our conversation that, if everything else had failed to express all the searing rage, it would just end up hurting me physically instead, probably with something sharp and pointy to compensate itself..
He then went on to tell me that what I was doing seemed unhealthy because people are built to feel and not hold everything in.. And he went on to say that might have been causing the misplaced emotions as they were trying to crawl their way out of me..
I wanted to tell him everything pertaining to that, but of course I was trying to shield my best friend from all the things human ears weren't meant to hear about me.. Being the complex, enigmatic, and baffling specimen I was..
Of course, I wanted to tell him everything.. But then I realised I probably wasn't making any logical sense with whatever I was explaining to him..
Even my other friend, who was sitting across the room, wasn't saying much, but his face expressions were a tale-tale sign that I wasn't making any sense to him either on how I would just let everything slide..
So I might have let the conversation slide.. I would have gotten to the part where I would have told my best friend that all this happening in the past might have painted the wrong picture about me to people for being an odd softball.
Because when I couldn't keep it all in... it started out as an irritation that might have caused me to be upset that people thought they could walk all over me,
and it burst into full-on rage. I was so furious that I ended up saying things people's ears weren't meant to hear.. The whole room went silent, as everyone was trying to comprehend what had just transpired..
Obviously, being the me that no one knew, I felt nothing.. It didn't faze me that I shouldn't have said things that should have been left unspoken.. I didn't even feel apologetic about causing such a scare..
People were filled with so much awe for days that it seemed like I might have scared most of them away..
I guess that is what happens when people think they know you, but when you're a whole different story all together..
People who weren't afraid to speak to me might have pointed out that I should have said something in the first place if something was bothering me that much..
And I went on to tell them that I had spoken up, but to no avail.. I don't know if I meant it at that point in time, but I told them that I didn't mean for people to hear things that weren't meant for their ears..
So eventually, the horrific trauma people suffered from my ignorance that day ended up dialling down as the days went by, because people went back to ignoring the fact that their actions were impacting me.
By the way, it didn't matter because, like I said, I had always lived my life numb without having to let myself express how I actually felt about anything because I didn't want anyone to feel exasperated or traumatised by me..146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtwISEHwTsU
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