I Don't Know is An Understatement
The thing is..
I don't know..
Not that I don't want to know or anything, but that it's just that I've never been there, mostly hundred percent in a moment, my mind kind of tends to drift off, it just happens.. I know I'm not making any sense.. I want to know.. I guess.. I don't know.. Knowing about other things is yay.. As for other things knowing will probably be nay
I've never been there, just means since I've been living day to day.. I've never put much heart into a week, a month, a year, ten years, or just the future in particular.. It turns out I always thought that making it past a day would be a pass.. but,..
With the distant future as it is approaching becoming not so distant it turns out many things are just now overwhelming me too much, with so many expectations left right and center, just overwhelming my psyche.. I don't know how I'm going to make it past this present time..
This person asking, what do you have planned for your future ?, That person asking, so where do you go from here ?, Another asking, where do you think this road is going to take you ?, But the thing is..
I don't know.. I don't know how you want me to answer that.. I don't know anything in regards of what tomorrow beholds.. I don't know if planning anything is necessarily a need..
I don't know if I want to do anything about anything.. I don't know how to tackle most things in life.. I don't know if I want to plan milestones anymore.. I don't know if it's a necessity for me to plan for my tomorrow if I don't even know if I'm going to make it through the night..
I don't know if I should keep on accepting anything from that out stretched hand.. I don't even know if all those eyes looking at me are going to swallow me whole.. I don't know if indifference is going to cut it this time..
Yes you ask, where to next? Of course there's no harm in asking.. But the problem is that, there's isn't anything to tread on..
The road is there.. the writing on the road is quite clear.. the signs are there looking as new as the day they were made.. the bus stops are remarkable.. there's nothing that the eyes can envision that isn't there.. But there's just that thing missing..
It's not that I don't want to go somewhere.. but I just don't know how to.. Like I said everything is there but still, that tiny invisible detail is missing.. Even people who can nudge me in the right direction can be found walking around cause nothing is missing,.. except that tiny detail..
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One time I had to attend an important event were it seemed like crying was a requirement.. Everyone around me was crying their hearts out.. but I couldn't bring myself to shed a single tear.. cause it felt like ninety nine percent of the gathering was just showboating.. I just..
I just couldn't do it like everyone else.. pretend to cry.. even though it seemed like a given for the situation.. To top it off.. all eyes were on me that day.. it was like everyone wanted to console me the way each individual knew how, but I couldn't comprehend why it all felt like pretence..
Went past the kitchen and was asked if I had eaten anything yet that day.. but people were too busy fretting on what I should eat, that I couldn't be heard.. so I left and went outside..
Sometime later on, heard my aunt in the house telling people that I should be looked for.. Went inside the house, crossed paths with her and she held a, 'you should at least shed a tear' meeting with other women who had come, with me as the center of attention.. All I wanted was to leave because it felt like all those eyes were going to swallow me whole.
Evidently I did wait for nightfall, and since everything was still overwhelming me for what seemed like the whole day.. I left and went out.. out into the night that had terrified me for so long.. but as it turns out that day since I was trying to numb myself.. I went along with the ride even though walking at night was terrifying.
I went to the shops and bought a toxic drink for my age at the time, called 'Explorer' cane spirit with a 40% AV.. I probably drank it on my way back home.. and then threw the bottle away on my way home.. probably.. I don't know.. it turns out most of the things that happened that day are a blur..
I don't even remember getting home.. and I don't even know if I entered through the front door or the backdoor of the house.. but I did open my bedroom door to find people's things flooding my room.. on my bed.. on the floor.. everywhere.. I was going to tidy up but, I just didn't care anymore and ended up throwing myself on the floor on top of most the things that were there..
I just wanted to sleep.. that's all I could think of.. It turns out my aunt was right after all to have people keep an eye on me that day since I hadn't even shed a tear like everyone else.. even though I ended up giving everyone the slip after dark that day.. I knew that that concern wasn't going to last forever,. and..
I knew I was going to be forgotten by everyone eventually that day anyway, so I just waited and realised what I had told myself was true.. I even passed the people sitting outside the gate and they didn't say anything..
I did end up crying a little months later because all those eyes on me had told me to do it, cause it seemed important to them and everyone who had come I suppose.. Few years later was asked by someone if I did end up shedding a tear.. and I said yes.. I guess me following up on the tears thing helped, didn't think people were going to pry into it in the future.. seriously ?364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJp4Qg9LbZW
It's not like I could explain to people that, that day I was trying to stay sane and not lose my composure or sanity..
I was actually told by her in the past to not give anyone anything of hers, but people came and took everything.. I told an older than me friend of mine about it, but she told me that I was going to end up being killed by any of the attendees for not giving them her things,.. after all most of the people who had come, had eyes set on her belongings.. I even told her half blood brother about what she had told me, but he too never helped with having my family keep everything of hers as she had instructed, either.. Would have talked to her younger brother, but as everything was happening at that point in time, it seemed inappropriate to bring up anything related to her, after all he was probably grieving his only sister.. So, as a kid, I simply left all the adults to their devices that day.. That's life for you I suppose, when you're a kid.. At least I was able to find solace in knocking myself out that day..
That then brings me back to I don't know.. I don't know what happened.. I don't know what ended up happening.. I don't know.. I don't know.. It doesn't matter anyway.. probably..
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