ive been so absolutely stressed lately, all my assignemtns are wack, its the 2 weeks off from school and ive still been bombarded with work. a whole business report that was due last sunday i spent half my fucking rest from school stressing over, my art homework i havent even looked at, my english extension 1 fucking thousand word short story which im almost certain i goofed up beyond belief, 2 whole novellas for english advanced, remember, i was given TWO WEEKS. TWO WEEKS. business studies only gave me ONE. im STRAPPED for time. as well as hanging out with my boyfriend, hanging out with my family, my birthday, my sisters birthday, i signed up for the gym as well close to my house because i kept having the worst fucking breakdowns to mum about my mental health and shit id get from my sister for totally nothing. i couldnt take it anymore. oh and to replace E, we're friends with K now. from the easter show, idk if i mentioned him or not, its not like anyone is actually paying attention to whatever im yapping about. 50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJrlHPuJp6d
last friday i was hanging out with B and we bought condoms in town and we wnet back to hijs place to try them out. they were cappuccino "flavoured" but actaully it just tasted like nothing but holy crap could you smell it. he tried putting it in and we couldnt work out what we were doing wrong (we're both virgins btw, never come this far). i postioned him to yknow like my entrance and all he had to do was breach it n boom both our first times but it hurt like a BITCH like holy fuck OUCH i couldnt do it, i cried and cried it hurt so bad. thats all im gonna say bc im still just a kid (happy 16th birthday me btw) n exposing so much like this on the internet it weird, im only doing it bc im anonymous.
we were supposed to hang out on the following sunday but couldnt bc his dad said his mum said she just wanted time to herself n obviously i was heartbroken bc i spent ages convincing my parents to visit again on such short notice but fine, if she needed a rest day then so be it, i couldnt be mad. until it come out that she didnt say that, his dad was straight up fucking lying. so whats the issue??? what did i do??? i barely even see that dude and whenever i do its always been positive. so what, he just doesnt want me in his house??? own up to it then, dont blame it on your wife dawg geez louise.
so obviously B was pissed and we scheduled another hang out on tuesday (yesterday) so that everyone would have plenty of notice and cant cancel or fuck anything up. keep in mind B works like forever, 5 day weeks, always like 8~9 hours (i reckon thats illegal for someone of his age but wtv.). i ask him times bc its always usually 12-5 but this time it was 3.30 (the time his mum gets off work) til 8.30, i was staying for dinner. some reason his dads got this weirdo creep paranoia that if his little wife isnt in the house when i am, im gonna accuse him of RAPING ME???? has that happened before, Joe??? are you projecting??? Joe?? i dont even see him when i am over, hes always in his room and im NEVER away from B??? god knows what his issue is but thats why i couldnt be over til his mum came home. anyways, i baked cookies for B's family as a thank you for housing me all the time and always an 'i love you' bc B always does stuff for me n i hardly return the favour (he doesnt let me). its almost close to 3pm and i ask B when his mum gets off bc he said "like 3.30~4 usually" earlier, i was checking if there was a definitive time now. he messaged back sayinh he hates his parents and they can suck ass bc AGAIN the plans were RUINED. she agreed to work until SIX and she didnt want me over bc then she'd have to take me home again (my mum can pick me up?? that was never out of the picture??) so i was absolutely distressed at this because AGAIN?? i was SO EXCITED we were hanging out, i was losing my mind. i cried like a baby. it was embarrassing.
its wednesday now, B, with his totally full schedule of work and work and work and sleep decided to go out with his little boyfriends out bowling! then go to work then go for a little boyfriend homoerotic sleepover! frankly i was pissed. i was so jealous that his little friends got to see him and i didnt. it wasnt fair. the only reason i was ever leaving thw house was for B and i couldnt bc B has so much work all the time. and here he is, with spare time, spending it with other people. not even spending 5 minutes with me. not even messaging me. yeah sure maybe one or two messages but thats not good enough. and now i cant call him because hes gonna get bummed by his friends (my ex boyfriend will be there too! its his house! the one that bullied me after he dumped me! and got his other friend to get in on it to! both will be there, how amazing!)50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZNVUS63jdv
i've been treating B like absolute dogshit and i cant tell if its my whacked out hormones, the stress of school work, lack of sleep or what. i get mad at him, i dry text him, i go mute and he has to put up with it. i addressed it last night and he said "yeah i noticed, i just let it slide, im being patient w you ik youre stressed" like thank you baby but WHAT you noticed?? and said nothing?? you let it slide??!! :( felt awful, i apologised a million times over but i still feel awful. somethings wrong with me.
he was at tenpin today and my sister (his ex, idk if i mentioned it but i lost readers due to lack of interest so idc anymore) decided to go to for her best friend to see her boyfriend (who lives in sydney now, hes down for the week) and i was STRESSING. i dont know why, B loves me so dearly but i keep thinking back to everythng my sister used to cry at me when i was just dating him and i freak out. theres a pit in my stomach just remembering it all.
it got particularly bad when he got home from bowling and said he was having a sleepover. i cried and cried, i was sobbing and got into an arguementn with my mother bc i wasnt contributing anything. its my sisters birthday so she wanted me showered and dressed to go for dinner but i felt so shit i didnt wanna go, i kept crying, snotting n wailing. i couldnt walk 5 steps without sobbing a little. i took a panadol for my headache and all i could think of were the intrusive (not impulsive!) thoughts telling me to overdose, telling me i dont deserve anyone around me, im such an asshole that they'd all genuinely be better off without all my drama and negativity. it was hard swallowing the panadol, i didnt know if i was strong enough to not take them all and just push through.50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCrlRFmIzWF
i didnt, obviously. but it was hard. i still dont feel all there. 50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHwvOmg4z1p
im only writing this because i was talking to J about how im overthinking a lot and all my thoughts are in my head and she told me to write it down like my english teacher said all those months ago. i didnt immediately, but this was the breaking point. i cant keep thinking and not writing it down anymore. if i had more time id be more consistent but school is a bitch im drowning.50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8qUytuz7ie
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