goodness gracious
lots has happened.
i said id update when shit goes massively wrong but i didnt anticipate when it goes wrong, i wouldnt wanna think about it. so i got into an arguemtn with my sister about B and i dont wanna thinkn about it. B and my sister used to date, its weird and uncomfortsble, he was her first love which yeah, berate me, she's two years younger than me and hes a year older than me. it wasnt meant to happen. and he was my friend. first. before they went out. anwyays, she said that i kiss him and love him in the same bed she did, the same room she idd, the same parents thats used to love her, love me. she said things wont go back to normal until we break up. then mum was encouraging it saying i broke girl code and i shouldve left when i found out he was two-timing us EVEN THOUGH i was already committed. dad said if nothing changes quickly he'll have to step in and fix it (not good for me)
i cried. a lot. i went over to his house to talk to hiim about it. i told him stuff about my own insecurities and my sisters despair. he kissed me to make up but i kept dodging his kisses, forcinh him to miss my lips and kiss my cheek instead. i didnt tell him what she told me. about being in the same house with the same parents and the samw bed. she said they saw every part of each other and now hes loving me up like its nothing. she was 12. she shouldnt have been doing that. and shes blaming me. i didnt know aany of this and now everyones blaming me. not cool. not chill. dont appreciate. he said hes working on changing so my insecurites wont be worries any longer.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgiqnouiISv
anyhoo, the cross country was period 4 and 5 of tuesday last week so i took B to maccas (just past the school) for a date. then we walked to his house. we hung out and they dropped me off.
i've been struggling with school work, the content load is too much especially if im 8 weeks bendind on two of the worst classes ever to catch up on. im working on it but with everyhting else and evry other subject, im a little underthewater at the moment. not great so i had a little cry to mummy about my mental health and everything, i told her ive almost cried in so many classes just bc of stress. bc my sister is giving me shit, bc im worried about B's and mine's relatioship, bc im worried about school and waht im doing after school, its all too much83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnJaxZAkdCt
she said shes gonna sign me up to the gym with her so we can work out together since excercise is good for mental heslth. and we could bond. i was very happy about this.
i was on call with B last night, i was doing homework and assignemnts, he was playing one of his games since he didnt work at all this week. he was raging at one of the games and wasnt listening to me when i told him to have a break. so i stopped my homework and suggeted to play a game with him. we played counter strike deathmatch and im really good at it bc not only is it everyman for themselves, but its good aim practice and everyone is too focused on points to use voice chat. comp, however. the worst thing ever. i cant explain it, but i'll try.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWOpHtSuMWB
two teams, terrorist and counter terrorists. 83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV0xGAGS5TF
terrorist plant the bomb and counter terrorist have to defuse the bomb. both sides have weapons and can shoot each other. game ends when the bomb goes off, is defused, or either team is completely eliminated.
i was counter terrorist with B, he didnt give me any instruction and didnt twach me anything. the whole team moved to site B (??) so he told me to go to A. BY MYSELF. so i freaked a little n with no further instruction i just hung out around bomb site A. i felt like a bum, not contributing at all but it was fine, we were winning. B was focused on being MVP.
one round, while i was box jumping (dust II map), the entire team bar me was eliminated. 2 players from the enemy team still left. i saw this and my stomach dropped. the people in voice chat were talking down to me and i couldnt understand anything they were saying because it was all cs2 terms ive never heard of. B was shouting down my ears and was berating me for not buying guns (even though,,, i wasnt shooting anyone, only wandering around site A the most DEAD SITE EVER). i killed a guy and when i was making my way to defuse the bomb (no thanks to B who was telling me where to go like id fucking know where im going?? i've never heard the names before) and a molotov got thrown so i hesitated proceeding BY THE WAY, LESS THAT 30 FUCKING SECONDS, AND MY FIRST GAME. I COULD'VE BEEN CUT A LITTLE SLACK. Im freaking out and i took too much time so the bomb goes off and i start crying. because B was almost yelling at me, all the pressure was on me and it was the only round we lost INDIRECTLY because of me.
i threw the next round and round after that (didnt move, didnt contribute) because i was too busy SOBBING, MY THROAT CLOSED UP and B telling me that its not that deep, he doesnt care about comp matches bc theyre not ranked BUT HE SOUNDED TO MAD. i told him and he didnt like that. i ruined the game night completely, i was so embarassed i went mute. real life and discord. i was telling him how sorry i was and how embarrassing it is and he kept repeating it was fine. im still not over it. totally embarrassing. to be fair, my menstrual cycle is nearing, i was just hormonal.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlrbCaBdJ7t
B works this arvo so i was gonna calll him all day until 3.30 so he could get ready and get to work befroe his shift. i take a 20 odd minute break to ask mum for help with applying for a job she used to work at and when i come back and undeafen and unmute myself, B leaves. instantly. i msg him like wtf and he just says "im hanging out with friends. sorry" AND THATS IT. NOTHING ELSE. "they just knocked on my door" AND YOU LET THEM IN? AND YOU WENT TO THEIR HOUSES AND WALKED TO MACCAS LEAVING ME????? THINKING I HAD GOOFED UP??? i was almost in tears again, i had to tell myself it wasnt that deep. i was tired, hormonal, stressed and vulnerable and he totally just left. i wasnt upset he left or was with his friends, i was upset he didnt tell me he was leaving and just left so abruptly. :(83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1l9GvBdDG8
he bought me a discord decoration for like 5 dollars even though i told him not to, which i guess is the modern day version of delivering a rose with an "im sorry, i love you" note attached to it. whateverrr
might write more. might not. feeling lazy, feeling like a bum. overloaded with schoolwork. we'll see. for now, goodbye. Toodles!
-vinsie
ns 172.70.126.125da2
and then Add to home screen.