我老婆是黃月英──諸葛亮的秘密日記。
作者:
南翁
南翁
篇 #9
第二集：遊龍戲鳳。第一章：不聽女人說話的下場會很慘很恐怖。（１）
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太丟臉，過程我就不說了。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYq1AWANX1X
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等我解釋完整件事，我的臉已經腫得像發酵過頭的波蘿麵包、頭髮掉了一搓、額頭上一個腫包、右眼旁邊還有一大圈瘀青，都不敢出去見人了。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkwb5xm5u0i
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這只是看得見的地方。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡolgVvLO1ah
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換黃月英拿著藥箱，一邊幫我擦藥一邊說：「對不起啦，但也你早點解釋清楚嘛，我就不會那樣了。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBrqmI1RCdL
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妳最好有給我機會。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXtRXDq7daM
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「好了。」黃月英放下藥，拿了個小鏡子給我照臉。「還可以吧？」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjjfnhxV1rq
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還是一樣腫啊！50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiIwJkDgpwZ
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唉，算了。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuj2cfjZsLF
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黃月英：「好啦，我都道歉了，你不要再生氣了。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSFgdvoeqod
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我：「我沒有。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqrmpujPZCz
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我只是想扁人而已。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWQbjwVP9gc
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黃月英：「騙人。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡucCSNtXUes
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不然妳是想要怎樣？50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg81w6cELFL
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我：「總不可能要我被打一頓還笑吧？又不是被虐狂。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoG0svx0mvd
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黃月英：「那我讓你打回來。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3FcqPiripF
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不要告訴我妳是被虐狂，那……我可能會有點高興？50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhJ1jyc18ww
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才不會，我沒那麼變態。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqaFYgzCMPn
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我：「算了吧，又不是小朋友。過兩天我就會忘了。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoJP0zXtalT
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黃月英：「不管，你現在就不能生氣，不然你就打我。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk74fY1oA00
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這種要求我一輩子都沒聽過。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfbxC0xoFfC
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我：「好啊。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpgpc1lYVjy
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黃月英：「啊？」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSOwaac3ccC
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我直接一巴掌拍過去。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlPWu1T0l8H
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黃月英閉上眼，縮了一下。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpDjw9PO8Fs
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但我只是輕輕將手放在她的臉上，算是順便揩個油。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡekNyaRVcwl
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我：「就這麼一下，痛嗎？」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1K9yt78Udk
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「知道你最好了。」黃月英鬆了口氣。「那就不生氣了？」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH5fpzpZ84k
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我白了她一眼：「算我服了妳。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw27resNYIi
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黃月英一笑，伸出手。我偏偏猜到她想表達什麼。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDeO4qddCTG
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我把匕首拿出來。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6pq2qomgSs
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黃月英伸手拿走匕首：「以後這個就交給我保管，要用的話先跟我報備。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHcGmXjLWGZ
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但我沒有放手。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqtPINGApPt
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黃月英用力拉了一下，我還是沒有放手。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Z6Uap4iQH
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再一下。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3IaxhsYMFQ
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又一下。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo9fdulsCAJ
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黃月英：「放手啊！」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbNZ7MPxYSs
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我：「我要去找趙雲談一談，想辦法讓他站在小貝這一邊，可能馬上就得用50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGvlPWQGORQ
上。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGh7H6p1FV2
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黃月英：「我跟你一起去就好了。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe4FTedtAdd
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我：「妳還是回去吧，我自己去會比較好。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcME6uGFGne
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黃月英：「我不要。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTFWbsFH8hQ
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我：「妳沒戴面具出來。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1XieEctbbD
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黃月英：「我不管。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFaBqIcy3k6
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妳是小朋友喔。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1kSO1R1Jtq
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我只好詳細解釋：「聽起來趙雲是個喜好女色的人，妳沒戴面具就這樣去，只會轉移焦點，讓我沒有辦法好好跟他談。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnAcygrsd1g
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黃月英：「那就讓我跟他談啊。既然他特別喜歡女人，那我去應該更好說話吧？是不是？」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ366lwyyBGe
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我：「這我當然也知道。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBvY7vFOvWs
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黃月英：「那你還要我回去？」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiyJLas5FPP
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我：「要不然我自己一個人來幹嗎？」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdMwKzGQcqV
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這當然回答得牛頭不對馬嘴。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm5xkPkqKLW
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黃月英看著我，突然竊笑。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUG6Av3x823
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我：「笑什麼？」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUbTcmOteb6
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黃月英：「你好可愛喔。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzcHkny3Dea
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啊？50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkLlBTHx7rj
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黃月英：「你在擔心我被占便宜嗎？真是任性，呵呵，不過這也不能怪你。唉，長得太漂亮，也是有許多煩惱。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZHNsLcoWMm
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真是個自我感覺良好的傢伙。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6FoctlBxin
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我：「算了，隨便妳。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ46Kytj2QBG
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黃月英：「你也太小看我了。放心吧，我自己會保護自己的。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx5o7w1Sit0
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我直接不理她。她卻還是喜孜孜地跟在後面。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkUu0RRlq9E
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我打開門，卻見到一名女子站在門口。那是個有些年紀的女人，看起來四十歲上下，雖然青春年華不再，但她很聰明地沒有強留，淡淡的妝、寬鬆樸素的衣50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAoYwmYPOtJ
物，不失高雅氣質、同時給人容易親近的感覺。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFB6WuNLo7U
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女人九十度躬身：「諸葛先生，我是這裡的掌櫃，貂蟬大人要我好好招待您。我年紀稍大一些，所以大家叫我鳳姐，如果諸葛先生不介意，可以這麼叫我。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTW3PRpytuP
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我直接說：「這幾天，是不是有一個叫趙雲的客人一直住在這裡？」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK4JzE3IK14
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鳳姐：「趙將軍嗎？是的，他正在小店作客。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOyca1rttCe
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我：「他在哪？我要找他。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡShlh8sbliV
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鳳姐：「請跟我來。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7okWTMbJtT
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鳳姐領著我們轉進二樓。二樓是一間間包廂，由於天色尚早，只有兩三間的門是關上的，關上的房間裡面也都是鴉雀無聲。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKjUUWCjt1f
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但鳳姐領著我們往深處走，一個走廊角落邊間的門大開著，裡面火光大盛，50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB6XavgiHOO
漸漸能聽到笑鬧的聲音一陣一陣地傳來。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdZHHf2iGz9
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「小雲雲，多喝點酒啊。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjW6tBfuROe
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「討厭啦，龍龍，不可以摸那邊啦。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDJLykMAiBC
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「啊，誰偷抓我的屁股？嘻嘻，是你對不對？」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoykme3c5eG
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我和黃月英異口同聲：「果然是個禽獸。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8TZ1GjvI8i
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鳳姐這時說：「趙將軍就在那房間裡面。我會在門外候著，如果大人有何吩咐，喊我一聲便是。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZxAMEbev4C
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我：「知道了。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJE3jCA2ZSL
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黃月英：「你打算怎麼辦？」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ25eH83BhHI
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我：「本來是打算威脅他。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ59aRNECeY6
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黃月英：「拿什麼威脅？」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIWhw1Ob2OG
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「他的命。」我聳聳肩。「不過我現在不打算威脅他了，因為不小心拿到交易的籌碼。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwkdmsk9RLQ
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黃月英：「什麼籌碼？」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡohlvuvgtFF
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我：「那把短刀啊。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMUFfOy9CnG
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黃月英立刻理解了：「我懂了。要不要我先去探探情況？」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzzh9FX9QPh
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我：「沒有必要，直接進去會會他。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxqAR1Ko258
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我與黃月英大方地走入房間中。房間裡有六名應該是妓女的女性，各個衣衫凌亂，但至少身上都還有衣服。唯一的那名男性只穿了一件褲子，雙手雙腳攤開坐在床上，喔不對，雙腳是跨在旁邊兩個女子的大腿上。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQBPS3JXicH
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我懷疑那名男子是個嚴重的白化症患者，因為他全身上下，連頭髮、眼睛都是毫無色差的白，一張削瘦的臉龐雖然十分英俊，但除了黑眼圈之外一片全白實在需要一點時間習慣。他的身材，大概是縱慾過度吧，皮包骨般的太過瘦弱──但他發達的肌肉也因此顯得恐怖，好像把皮扒開一樣可以一條一條細細計數。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Uh6FHrtt5
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嗯，除了銀槍白馬，連人都是白的，難怪給人的刻板印象這麼深。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9jR0EMK7uZ
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趙雲子龍。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTV2o3P2bTp
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一群女人看著我們兩個，都停下手邊的事，一時無語。但那男人正仰著頭、飲著酒，還未注意到我們。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQU1ncN988
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房間中央的桌子擺著滿桌酒菜，我直接面對趙雲而坐。黃月英好像還有點不好意思，躊躇了兩步，才在我旁邊坐下。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpWUUFsIo2B
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趙雲將一甕酒一飲而盡，直接將酒甕往旁邊一砸，這才看見我們兩個。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCWKwojbvuD
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我發現我錯了，他並不是個禽獸。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsJKRuD9XAh
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趙雲面無表情，或許是失去了面紅耳赤的能力，他異常嚴肅的臉並無酒意，一雙眼毫不避諱與我對視。他坐起身、手撐著身體，讓視線與我更靠近，那雙專注且危險的眼睛，使我不禁流下一滴冷汗。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMMnFQUkqzY
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或許我沒有錯，他確實是頭禽獸。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGbIJYuUb1w
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一頭盯緊獵物的獵豹。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3LpFYDlaUb
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「哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈……」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnyfWTuYJDN
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趙雲指著我的臉大笑：「豬頭啊哈哈哈，差點嚇死我了，我還以為哪來的豬頭人身妖怪。啊哈哈哈快笑死我了，這傢伙是來搞笑的嗎？哈哈哈太逗了，還是偷情被老婆抓包所以被打成這豬樣？我猜對了？哈哈哈哈哈一定是這樣……」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLHwrk3qSSI
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幹。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCN4DJ9jzxz
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真準。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUIY1o6vYcZ
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而且，俗話說，笑聲是會傳染的。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrL5zwcVeSM
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「哈哈，唉呦，小雲雲你太壞了，害我笑得肚子好痛。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPW0o6KDOtY
50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSUEJTS9tQE
「龍龍，你好幽默喔，嘻嘻。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5JKnbtlYwV
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「不要一邊笑一邊拍人家大腿啦，會痛呢。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpyOSldQf5D
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那些人就算了。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7BZehU9PCe
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真的算了，我一開始就做好被別人笑的心理準備了。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡikGvLJL4Qb
但那個罪魁禍首竟然在我旁邊笑！她竟然在笑！想笑不敢笑的悶笑其實是裝不敢笑的悶笑其實她根本笑的很爽！50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdHIZCX8fYF
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早知道我就兩巴掌把她也打成豬頭！可惡！50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOvT2Lawzya
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一群人笑翻只有我面無表情的情況我也不知道持續了多久，我只知道是一直到所有人都笑到腿軟癱倒為止。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeZKpRLCDIb
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趙雲突然起身，趴到桌上，在我還沒反應過來之前，將臉湊到黃月英的面前：「除了那位豬頭老兄，倒是來了一位大美女……」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Wj4EXmeSQ
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在我還沒反應過來之前，我的視線就只剩下趙雲那張白化症的臉。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXME9NXs92w
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動的是我，不是趙雲。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkhfa1za9NX
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我：「小心一點，她會把人打成豬頭的。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbrJRtfF1nH
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黃月英白了我一眼。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSJnblzAPYL
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趙雲聳肩，與我隔著桌子面對面坐：「名字我就不問了，反正我不會記得。找我做什麼？」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCz1w65xrJN
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你不問，我可不能不說。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpMzCGFxJBC
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我：「在下複姓諸葛，一名亮，字孔明。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzljSYfB24b
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趙雲愣住。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiC1IrbOSlh
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又大笑：「哈哈哈，你們聽到了沒有？臥龍先生啊！臥龍先生來妓院找你們，是不是感到萬分光榮啊？」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZJYTO5OFCb
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我淡淡地說：「不好笑了。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv8cgNsQ8io
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「別鬧了，要演戲也先去消消腫再來。」趙雲丟出兩塊銅錢出來。「去買兩塊肉餅吃吧，少在這礙眼。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8v2oXjEkR9
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我拿出貂蟬給我的小刀，直接插在桌子上。「仔細看清楚了，在這裡，所有人都得聽我的。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVuM4y8ugYF
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一片鴉雀無聲。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPtP8AvPBsx
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趙雲轉頭看向旁邊的妓女，問道：「他說的是真的？」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGs4xxeWEl7
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「不知道。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuGwtMoIxrp
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「沒看過。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡthkqxkuW7u
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「啊？什麼？」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4QvNUyYpvw
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尷尬。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJKzQgSurS3
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超級尷尬。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaRT1U2iMqM
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劇本不是這樣寫的啊！難道那貂蟬陰我？50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE2OJaEMhNk
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趙雲：「算了，看這位美女淪落到要這樣騙吃騙喝，我也是於心不忍。來，過來陪我喝酒，今天這桌就當我請你們的，我是不是很大方啊？」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFHr1zi3Suq
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「沒有必要。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1zOgQOLNQy
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鳳姐這時走到我身後，道：「諸葛先生，抱歉，是我沒有教好她們。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPK1WoQ24cs
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就是說啊，員工訓練做好一點好不好？50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSEuvRX8kaQ
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妓女們紛紛嚇得站起，異口同聲喊：「鳳姐。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5EZezaJFZ1
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我舉起手，掌心對著背後，一甩。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMgDwGtYkUY
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所有人魚貫走了出去。50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV3vRND2jFI
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「呿，真掃興。」趙雲依然放肆隨興。「真的是諸葛亮？我那時候沒去，但聽說劉備之前還想找過你當軍師是吧？不過他已經掛了，來不及了。現在你有話快說有屁快放，別打擾我享樂。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3EWs47jVgl
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我直接說：「是他女兒劉貝請我來的。很抱歉，現在的情況可能容不得你繼續這樣荒淫下去，我需要你站在她那邊，助我們一臂之力。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr9PiIPegaE
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趙雲皺眉：「開玩笑吧？」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJpYXwHptrZ
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我：「我是認真的。」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTGhi3nRmI2
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「小貝啊，我其實滿喜歡她的……不要用看蘿莉控的眼神看我，我對她只是單純對一個小妹妹的喜歡。」趙雲說著，突然問。「而且她有時候會換一個人似的，厲害到我們幾個做男人的都無地自容啊，你有看過嗎？」50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwiDn6JVzcA
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