現行大學教育體制下的犧牲品,完畢。
接著說故事。讓我為剛才冗長、不簡略、沒有重點、根本騙字數的自我介紹道歉,這裡我一言以蔽之。
一個小白臉靠老婆過活的日子,以上。
當然有人想問:「這有什麼好說的?」
我會這樣回答:「這小白臉很出名。」
他叫,諸葛亮孔明。
故事的開始有點模糊,因為我記得我人在宿舍,剛吃完一塊雞排、用可樂漱口,沒有刷牙就倒在床上睡著。附帶一提,時間是星期三早上八點,一整天的課大概都得翹掉。122Please respect copyright.PENANAr9hjeRMGGU
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不過那已經不重要了。122Please respect copyright.PENANAItbcmu0kQD
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因為我醒來的時候,不,應該說我「在夢裡醒來的時候」,身處於一個莫名其妙的地方。122Please respect copyright.PENANAtAvEVI8Bob
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那是一個用竹子搭建起來的房間,裡面有一套桌椅、一個衣櫃、一張床,必須用複數形容的只有凌亂四散的書籍,數量之多幾乎要淹沒整個房間。房間窗戶是打開的,透過窗戶往外看,是一大片的青竹林。122Please respect copyright.PENANAMOMmUZN3K7
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風一吹,竹葉的稀疏摩擦聲如海浪般一波未平一波又起。122Please respect copyright.PENANAagE5Gkixm3
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風又吹,吹散了一個人的長髮。122Please respect copyright.PENANA849s7SLAAi
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那個人坐在一張涼蓆上。他的皮膚是一種接近病態的蒼白、黑色長髮凌亂分岔披散在肩膀,他身上只有一件青布衣用腰帶寬鬆地繫住,更顯得過瘦的身軀弱不禁風。122Please respect copyright.PENANArXWEbKjwuL
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我想看清對方的面目,無奈那人素白的右手上拿著書,遮住了臉面。122Please respect copyright.PENANAJPddthIPHL
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似男類女,撲朔迷離。122Please respect copyright.PENANAKn2Lh68VwS
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我坐起,無法理解眼前情形。122Please respect copyright.PENANAtiFGgCOuzu
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甩甩頭,卻什麼都沒有改變。122Please respect copyright.PENANAN12UHhwgyv
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那個人注意到我醒了,放下書、抬起頭,開口:「早安。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAGcvnOMSXP9
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我這時才看清楚對方的真面目。那是一張十分精緻漂亮的臉龐,膚白若雪、峨嵋皓齒,細柳般的髮絲垂下,一雙黑色的眼眸藏在若隱若現中。122Please respect copyright.PENANAmS5zklyGmI
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我幾乎以為那是個女人,但對方不讓我這麼想。122Please respect copyright.PENANAHj50jgAIVB
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他開口:「在下複姓諸葛,名亮,字孔明。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAryaGNyM8ku
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我活在一個被三國演義淹沒的時代,電視劇、電影、遊戲、漫畫、小說,四處可見三國人物的名號,就算沒有特別研究,也不可能不知道這個名字。122Please respect copyright.PENANAiRahqaGYzo
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甚至可以說,聽到有點膩了。122Please respect copyright.PENANAbMuRILQ2YK
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人會對未知感到迷惑、對迷惑感到恐懼。122Please respect copyright.PENANARXCSWr3c46
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這時我只想笑。122Please respect copyright.PENANAZZ0SjVTv6W
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我:「這什麼整人節目?真是大手筆。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAy9DmmDNVxk
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那自稱諸葛亮的人──我就暫且叫他諸葛亮──放下書,起身走到我面前,饒有興趣地問:「整人節目?那是什麼?」122Please respect copyright.PENANAFOCdlub214
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我沒興趣跟他玩了,直接說:「換下一個人吧,我要走了。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAehiru5vIP7
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諸葛亮點點頭,伸手比向旁邊的竹門:「請便。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAOJE6FWl5fh
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我走下床、打開門、走出去……122Please respect copyright.PENANAU6TyDECBPI
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停住。122Please respect copyright.PENANAgjySgyypki
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如果我沒看錯,眼前是藍天白雲、房子底下空空如也。122Please respect copyright.PENANAyzhNqqYYm3
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刺骨的寒風一吹,攪得我心頭一涼。122Please respect copyright.PENANAJQjHcogbQn
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我面無表情關上門,回頭。122Please respect copyright.PENANAKq9ZBefgqE
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諸葛亮好整以暇坐在床上,開口:「這是模擬我住的地方想像出來的空間。如果你想要,說說看喜歡什麼樣的地方,我都能換給你。順便一提,想要冷、熱、痛甚至是奇癢,我都能你體會到。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAzAI59eaVZW
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諸葛亮冷笑:「不管你想不想要。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAxuR9mrFwft
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文言文我大致上都聽得懂,感謝我的國文老師。122Please respect copyright.PENANAxL1C6oPDlZ
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太長的、比較難的,我就當場自己翻譯成白話文,這樣我比較好懂、大家也比較好懂──不要再跟我討論什麼古代人怎麼會說白話文的問題。122Please respect copyright.PENANA7fDt1CUrSn
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但我還是聽不懂諸葛亮想表達什麼。122Please respect copyright.PENANA8oMHFBx1ih
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諸葛亮也不管我是不是理解了,自顧自開口:「聽你說話的方式,應該是生活在我的後世而非前世,真想跟你聊一聊以後的世界。可惜我們的時間不夠,有些事情該交代的,道義上我還是要向你交代一下。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAwGivyO06fU
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我沒有理他,走到窗戶旁邊,探出頭。122Please respect copyright.PENANA1QLcgn7yrH
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竹林消失,又是一片藍天白雲。122Please respect copyright.PENANArskoK6XDEf
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怎麼辦?我只好祈禱。122Please respect copyright.PENANAw3LflEIAgj
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萬能的天神啊,我知道錯了,我不該沒刷牙就睡覺。我以後一定會當一個乖寶寶的,如果這是夢,請快點讓我醒來吧。122Please respect copyright.PENANAK22RZz1TQC
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然後我在自己臉上打了熱騰騰的一巴掌。122Please respect copyright.PENANA4KckK1PLf3
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痛死我,不信也得信了。122Please respect copyright.PENANAx9z7ekTnoS
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「後悔也來不及了、祈禱也沒有用的,這個世界沒有神。」諸葛亮好像看穿我在想什麼。「好好談談吧,對你不會有壞處的。」122Please respect copyright.PENANA7xejuvHdbB
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我:「這是什麼情況?」122Please respect copyright.PENANAuzxS76jNgw
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這比醒來的時候發現自己被關在密室腳上被綁著鐵鍊旁邊還只有一把生鏽的鋸子逼你把腿鋸掉還要扯的到底是什麼情況?122Please respect copyright.PENANA9MYZigmzGh
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我絕對沒有打錯字。122Please respect copyright.PENANAdmOHOizC3H
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諸葛亮:「這裡是我設下的幻魂陣,能讓精神脫離肉體,直接進行交流。不過我不是要和你交流什麼,而是想讓你代替我。」122Please respect copyright.PENANA9OuVYgIwxZ
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我:「代替?」122Please respect copyright.PENANAzFJWjpbDyt
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諸葛亮:「就是讓你變成我。」122Please respect copyright.PENANA8wTmtnAaCW
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我:「為什麼?」122Please respect copyright.PENANAo0lohyH4zq
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諸葛亮:「這說來話長。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAsDiaVUvXHv
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我:「那不要說好了。」122Please respect copyright.PENANA4LrUjKCwFE
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諸葛亮:「但我還是想說一下。這得從我的志向開始說起。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAdrxM26WOjy
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「什麼志向?」我隨口問。你想當第一任臨時大總統之類的嗎?122Please respect copyright.PENANABywd4o6h6N
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諸葛亮:「第一,就是當皇帝。」122Please respect copyright.PENANA4axhqzUsaO
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也差不多意思。122Please respect copyright.PENANAEuOgNVPCBL
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諸葛亮:「第二,就是把我喜歡的美女通通收入後宮。如果可以直接完成第二項,那第一項不用完成其實沒關係。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAx5U1cNor3X
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真是遠大的志向啊,佩服佩服。你個死色胚。122Please respect copyright.PENANAqYHYCUxPSH
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諸葛亮嘆了口氣:「唉,但我不小心犯了一個錯。為了完成我的遠大志向,我想要那老頭──一個叫黃承彥的老頭,我想要他的『四象八卦圖』,誰知道他只送不賣,說是要拿來當他女兒的嫁妝。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAeI5ZaLkSBj
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好個有商業頭腦的老頭。122Please respect copyright.PENANATsLriyzbdR
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我:「這算什麼錯?」122Please respect copyright.PENANAIfyv46kS97
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諸葛亮:「別急,我還沒說完。我問他:『汝女之容如何?』他回答我:『沉魚落雁、閉月羞花,汝見之,必驚為天人。』我考慮了一下,既可以拿到我想要的東西、還順便賺一個美女當老婆,這麼划算的事情不答應簡直是白癡,所以我就答應了。」122Please respect copyright.PENANATxZxN62aMs
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我:「這樣很好啊。」122Please respect copyright.PENANA5kR0Hkl08c
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諸葛亮面無表情用最快的速度說:「魚跟鳥都會被她嚇死,月跟花都不敢看她,我看到她,差點升天去見祖先。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAJ6BqwNSs7H
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……122Please respect copyright.PENANARrACge9U9a
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諸葛亮:「我後來私下探訪,才知道黃老頭的女兒根本是個滯銷品。她醜得用豬形容都侮辱豬,而且還不只是醜、醜我還可以接受,重點是她的個性又很差,差得用老母形容都侮辱老母啊。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAIsjEH9yzPQ
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你老母的個性到底是多差才會被你拿來這樣比喻啊!122Please respect copyright.PENANA9tWE7BU4sv
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諸葛亮:「我當然反悔了,但又不想把東西還給黃老頭,所以想賴帳。但黃老頭找了一群人來對付我,我打不贏又逃不掉,只好去找我師傅幫忙。但你知道我師傅跟我說什麼嗎?」122Please respect copyright.PENANANjUEGTGAl6
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我:「什麼?」122Please respect copyright.PENANAWFi6Ayeqbd
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諸葛亮:「他說:『這是你的報應。』」122Please respect copyright.PENANAVWioUk3tmL
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是報應沒有錯啊。122Please respect copyright.PENANALdz7vBxmuu
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不過,這到底哪門子因果報應劇場的劇情?你是諸葛亮耶,怎麼抱怨起來簡直像是菜市場的歐巴桑在抱怨一樣又臭又長?你知道你說話的長度觀眾看了會煩嗎?你知道你說話的方式像是我把我心裡的對白全部講出來一樣誇張嗎?說好的長話短說呢?122Please respect copyright.PENANAnZcYRPWcm2
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重點是。122Please respect copyright.PENANAKiGxsqADtJ
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怪我嘍?122Please respect copyright.PENANA5YIcX8f4ZR
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我:「那是你自己搞出來的事,不要牽拖到我身上吧?」122Please respect copyright.PENANA0MRc8OaD2t
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諸葛亮:「抱歉。」122Please respect copyright.PENANACINssi4cEf
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我:「不接受行不行?」122Please respect copyright.PENANATNN0qp1oib
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諸葛亮:「對不起。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAvQ37WkKrg9
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……122Please respect copyright.PENANAWfeEla8mCS
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諸葛亮毫不在乎我的感受,繼續抱怨:「還有啊,既然你是後世的人應該知道吧,那個娘砲劉備硬是要我去當他的軍師。我可是要當皇帝的人,所以我當然拒絕他──誰知道他身邊一群流氓,我不幫忙就拿刀要砍我,所以我只能四處躲躲藏藏,希望不要被他找到。」122Please respect copyright.PENANADhSdiVuCyR
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那我大概有三次被抓的機會。122Please respect copyright.PENANAUTAAcSGELI
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「對了,我已經被抓到兩次了,如果你再被抓到可能只有死路一條,自己小心一點。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAoLtA6pxfD3
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去你妹的。122Please respect copyright.PENANAPlJFSR9SzQ
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我:「你去找別人好不好?如果你需要,我可以推薦幾個人給你。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAzufDiwF8NP
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那幾個向我借錢不還的、背後偷罵我的、賣黑心食品的、硬拆房子的、愛穿三角褲游泳的,我認為都是不錯的對象。122Please respect copyright.PENANAyRvGtVew4T
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不要問我穿三角褲游泳哪裡錯了。122Please respect copyright.PENANApcvaScSYOC
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但諸葛亮只是說:「你連自己的長相都忘了?」122Please respect copyright.PENANAU4AcCcZ4kY
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他說完,一面銅鏡浮現在我面前。122Please respect copyright.PENANA6ESOTZe3Sz
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我一看,鏡子裡只有諸葛亮。122Please respect copyright.PENANAHkKCXITfoJ
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鏡子拿下,卻看到我自己。122Please respect copyright.PENANAuL9utkOtV0
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諸葛亮:「你就是我、我就是你,別人沒辦法代替我。」122Please respect copyright.PENANArWUkiOVKOp
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我無話可說。122Please respect copyright.PENANAUFcEQEEpsJ
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諸葛亮:「另外,大白天就在做白日夢的你,也算是異類了。」122Please respect copyright.PENANACvNlLP4PU6
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我真的無話可說。122Please respect copyright.PENANASivVz9MGu1
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諸葛亮笑笑:「換個方向思考,跟我交換也不是只有壞處嘛。我這麼天才,你怎麼可能是個廢物?但我看你現在就是半個廢人,換個地方,看你能不能換個心情好好努力。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAayIuzad1at
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我:「那我會變成什麼樣子?」122Please respect copyright.PENANAahTTG1IOEe
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諸葛亮:「就這樣,時間差不多了,有沒有問題想問的?」122Please respect copyright.PENANAhqarBWqjZy
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我剛才已經問了!122Please respect copyright.PENANAOhnMYkvZtz
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他根本就只有抱怨啊,從頭到尾都只有抱怨啊,說好要交代的事情呢?122Please respect copyright.PENANAQAhTcCS6gL
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我:「現在的我呢?會變成什麼樣子?」122Please respect copyright.PENANAbrF4h81ocs
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「我故意不想回答,你還是硬要問這個啊,真是沒有意義。」諸葛亮一臉我問錯問題的樣子。「算了,我就回答你吧。這個你大可以放心。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAx1qwfFRDmS
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我:「放心?」122Please respect copyright.PENANAJF7MdCReUb
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諸葛亮笑著:「我已經準備好另一個身體,並不會跟你調換。所有認識你的人都會忘了你,那個世界不會有關於你的存在。」122Please respect copyright.PENANArRn8TkD4yH
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我喉頭一澀。122Please respect copyright.PENANA1DYtMmwA2l
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根本笑不出來。122Please respect copyright.PENANAxvVkQf7q4K
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但諸葛亮只管他的我行我素:「最後提醒你一件事。」122Please respect copyright.PENANArjjoFXE6EY
122Please respect copyright.PENANA5clMxilvsW
那是一個頗有深意的笑容。122Please respect copyright.PENANAlLRFj7lwn2
122Please respect copyright.PENANAvxtx0sk0WL
「歷史是會騙人的。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAoQ6lmKyLi3
122Please respect copyright.PENANAn3YpIetwFT
我的視界陷入混沌當中。
ns216.73.216.30da2122Please respect copyright.PENANAes4rtijQ6F
不過那已經不重要了。122Please respect copyright.PENANAItbcmu0kQD
122Please respect copyright.PENANAZxWfpwaQeC
因為我醒來的時候,不,應該說我「在夢裡醒來的時候」,身處於一個莫名其妙的地方。122Please respect copyright.PENANAtAvEVI8Bob
122Please respect copyright.PENANAcIne1tvmzR
那是一個用竹子搭建起來的房間,裡面有一套桌椅、一個衣櫃、一張床,必須用複數形容的只有凌亂四散的書籍,數量之多幾乎要淹沒整個房間。房間窗戶是打開的,透過窗戶往外看,是一大片的青竹林。122Please respect copyright.PENANAMOMmUZN3K7
122Please respect copyright.PENANAnKycLdLm27
風一吹,竹葉的稀疏摩擦聲如海浪般一波未平一波又起。122Please respect copyright.PENANAagE5Gkixm3
122Please respect copyright.PENANAQQDEnqu3w1
風又吹,吹散了一個人的長髮。122Please respect copyright.PENANA849s7SLAAi
122Please respect copyright.PENANAt9uaYdmI1t
那個人坐在一張涼蓆上。他的皮膚是一種接近病態的蒼白、黑色長髮凌亂分岔披散在肩膀,他身上只有一件青布衣用腰帶寬鬆地繫住,更顯得過瘦的身軀弱不禁風。122Please respect copyright.PENANArXWEbKjwuL
122Please respect copyright.PENANA8R4a0AeLwC
我想看清對方的面目,無奈那人素白的右手上拿著書,遮住了臉面。122Please respect copyright.PENANAJPddthIPHL
122Please respect copyright.PENANAfLezI2JWj5
似男類女,撲朔迷離。122Please respect copyright.PENANAKn2Lh68VwS
122Please respect copyright.PENANAlG0VD5cq1Z
我坐起,無法理解眼前情形。122Please respect copyright.PENANAtiFGgCOuzu
122Please respect copyright.PENANAL5voxnYp6t
甩甩頭,卻什麼都沒有改變。122Please respect copyright.PENANAN12UHhwgyv
122Please respect copyright.PENANAbhJHEgel0y
那個人注意到我醒了,放下書、抬起頭,開口:「早安。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAGcvnOMSXP9
122Please respect copyright.PENANAO5Yz9PK58a
我這時才看清楚對方的真面目。那是一張十分精緻漂亮的臉龐,膚白若雪、峨嵋皓齒,細柳般的髮絲垂下,一雙黑色的眼眸藏在若隱若現中。122Please respect copyright.PENANAmS5zklyGmI
122Please respect copyright.PENANAP5Ar8dq73A
我幾乎以為那是個女人,但對方不讓我這麼想。122Please respect copyright.PENANAHj50jgAIVB
122Please respect copyright.PENANAZs9o4ZWJhE
他開口:「在下複姓諸葛,名亮,字孔明。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAryaGNyM8ku
122Please respect copyright.PENANA15wz9Mx0NZ
我活在一個被三國演義淹沒的時代,電視劇、電影、遊戲、漫畫、小說,四處可見三國人物的名號,就算沒有特別研究,也不可能不知道這個名字。122Please respect copyright.PENANAiRahqaGYzo
122Please respect copyright.PENANAlRoB7PobVe
甚至可以說,聽到有點膩了。122Please respect copyright.PENANAbMuRILQ2YK
122Please respect copyright.PENANAnYQwJDkJLj
人會對未知感到迷惑、對迷惑感到恐懼。122Please respect copyright.PENANARXCSWr3c46
122Please respect copyright.PENANAujmybGN0iG
這時我只想笑。122Please respect copyright.PENANAZZ0SjVTv6W
122Please respect copyright.PENANA6VaUf34GSe
我:「這什麼整人節目?真是大手筆。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAy9DmmDNVxk
122Please respect copyright.PENANAvGOgsTnmX1
那自稱諸葛亮的人──我就暫且叫他諸葛亮──放下書,起身走到我面前,饒有興趣地問:「整人節目?那是什麼?」122Please respect copyright.PENANAFOCdlub214
122Please respect copyright.PENANABJjIDblBnY
我沒興趣跟他玩了,直接說:「換下一個人吧,我要走了。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAehiru5vIP7
122Please respect copyright.PENANAsQ6xjAMIG7
諸葛亮點點頭,伸手比向旁邊的竹門:「請便。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAOJE6FWl5fh
122Please respect copyright.PENANAW8LO0rPEaY
我走下床、打開門、走出去……122Please respect copyright.PENANAU6TyDECBPI
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停住。122Please respect copyright.PENANAgjySgyypki
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如果我沒看錯,眼前是藍天白雲、房子底下空空如也。122Please respect copyright.PENANAyzhNqqYYm3
122Please respect copyright.PENANA1OL32f9Zvu
刺骨的寒風一吹,攪得我心頭一涼。122Please respect copyright.PENANAJQjHcogbQn
122Please respect copyright.PENANAMCZHCPE6Qt
我面無表情關上門,回頭。122Please respect copyright.PENANAKq9ZBefgqE
122Please respect copyright.PENANAGsA7iHeD5R
諸葛亮好整以暇坐在床上,開口:「這是模擬我住的地方想像出來的空間。如果你想要,說說看喜歡什麼樣的地方,我都能換給你。順便一提,想要冷、熱、痛甚至是奇癢,我都能你體會到。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAzAI59eaVZW
122Please respect copyright.PENANAK4gVCz8jZu
諸葛亮冷笑:「不管你想不想要。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAxuR9mrFwft
122Please respect copyright.PENANAStos6IyeKG
文言文我大致上都聽得懂,感謝我的國文老師。122Please respect copyright.PENANAxL1C6oPDlZ
122Please respect copyright.PENANALaTxac4uQH
太長的、比較難的,我就當場自己翻譯成白話文,這樣我比較好懂、大家也比較好懂──不要再跟我討論什麼古代人怎麼會說白話文的問題。122Please respect copyright.PENANA7fDt1CUrSn
122Please respect copyright.PENANAw1Lox5gmri
但我還是聽不懂諸葛亮想表達什麼。122Please respect copyright.PENANA8oMHFBx1ih
122Please respect copyright.PENANAi5lHjDFm6K
諸葛亮也不管我是不是理解了,自顧自開口:「聽你說話的方式,應該是生活在我的後世而非前世,真想跟你聊一聊以後的世界。可惜我們的時間不夠,有些事情該交代的,道義上我還是要向你交代一下。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAwGivyO06fU
122Please respect copyright.PENANAkwuDstzfp5
我沒有理他,走到窗戶旁邊,探出頭。122Please respect copyright.PENANA1QLcgn7yrH
122Please respect copyright.PENANAGW9SwMg0H7
竹林消失,又是一片藍天白雲。122Please respect copyright.PENANArskoK6XDEf
122Please respect copyright.PENANAPyHEOGvFBj
怎麼辦?我只好祈禱。122Please respect copyright.PENANAw3LflEIAgj
122Please respect copyright.PENANApsITu4HmBC
萬能的天神啊,我知道錯了,我不該沒刷牙就睡覺。我以後一定會當一個乖寶寶的,如果這是夢,請快點讓我醒來吧。122Please respect copyright.PENANAK22RZz1TQC
122Please respect copyright.PENANA4EroyJUApy
然後我在自己臉上打了熱騰騰的一巴掌。122Please respect copyright.PENANA4KckK1PLf3
122Please respect copyright.PENANApdOJId4W6Q
痛死我,不信也得信了。122Please respect copyright.PENANAx9z7ekTnoS
122Please respect copyright.PENANAfukfVZjXkS
「後悔也來不及了、祈禱也沒有用的,這個世界沒有神。」諸葛亮好像看穿我在想什麼。「好好談談吧,對你不會有壞處的。」122Please respect copyright.PENANA7xejuvHdbB
122Please respect copyright.PENANAcvPQ1Kgzwe
我:「這是什麼情況?」122Please respect copyright.PENANAuzxS76jNgw
122Please respect copyright.PENANAZMvPkWlea2
這比醒來的時候發現自己被關在密室腳上被綁著鐵鍊旁邊還只有一把生鏽的鋸子逼你把腿鋸掉還要扯的到底是什麼情況?122Please respect copyright.PENANA9MYZigmzGh
122Please respect copyright.PENANA7EmseljJ1v
我絕對沒有打錯字。122Please respect copyright.PENANAdmOHOizC3H
122Please respect copyright.PENANANN3RfYN4DF
諸葛亮:「這裡是我設下的幻魂陣,能讓精神脫離肉體,直接進行交流。不過我不是要和你交流什麼,而是想讓你代替我。」122Please respect copyright.PENANA9OuVYgIwxZ
122Please respect copyright.PENANAOgeILfQcgG
我:「代替?」122Please respect copyright.PENANAzFJWjpbDyt
122Please respect copyright.PENANAFelzZcrrYg
諸葛亮:「就是讓你變成我。」122Please respect copyright.PENANA8wTmtnAaCW
122Please respect copyright.PENANAdznx6de5sN
我:「為什麼?」122Please respect copyright.PENANAo0lohyH4zq
122Please respect copyright.PENANAsWYtCIU4Dw
諸葛亮:「這說來話長。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAsDiaVUvXHv
122Please respect copyright.PENANAg9lWx9lfXT
我:「那不要說好了。」122Please respect copyright.PENANA4LrUjKCwFE
122Please respect copyright.PENANAwB3RGh2GxE
諸葛亮:「但我還是想說一下。這得從我的志向開始說起。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAdrxM26WOjy
122Please respect copyright.PENANANAVNS7AFeE
「什麼志向?」我隨口問。你想當第一任臨時大總統之類的嗎?122Please respect copyright.PENANABywd4o6h6N
122Please respect copyright.PENANABtqeJFTFKr
諸葛亮:「第一,就是當皇帝。」122Please respect copyright.PENANA4axhqzUsaO
122Please respect copyright.PENANAvzelioQt25
也差不多意思。122Please respect copyright.PENANAEuOgNVPCBL
122Please respect copyright.PENANAFwrnlKUFsd
諸葛亮:「第二,就是把我喜歡的美女通通收入後宮。如果可以直接完成第二項,那第一項不用完成其實沒關係。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAx5U1cNor3X
122Please respect copyright.PENANA4tyUnkZvy3
真是遠大的志向啊,佩服佩服。你個死色胚。122Please respect copyright.PENANAqYHYCUxPSH
122Please respect copyright.PENANAmW0mW2pWME
諸葛亮嘆了口氣:「唉,但我不小心犯了一個錯。為了完成我的遠大志向,我想要那老頭──一個叫黃承彥的老頭,我想要他的『四象八卦圖』,誰知道他只送不賣,說是要拿來當他女兒的嫁妝。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAeI5ZaLkSBj
122Please respect copyright.PENANAgmcJp2WKyE
好個有商業頭腦的老頭。122Please respect copyright.PENANATsLriyzbdR
122Please respect copyright.PENANAI5EH01Undn
我:「這算什麼錯?」122Please respect copyright.PENANAIfyv46kS97
122Please respect copyright.PENANAXdcjaojdKp
諸葛亮:「別急,我還沒說完。我問他:『汝女之容如何?』他回答我:『沉魚落雁、閉月羞花,汝見之,必驚為天人。』我考慮了一下,既可以拿到我想要的東西、還順便賺一個美女當老婆,這麼划算的事情不答應簡直是白癡,所以我就答應了。」122Please respect copyright.PENANATxZxN62aMs
122Please respect copyright.PENANA1mT1qKBb9i
我:「這樣很好啊。」122Please respect copyright.PENANA5kR0Hkl08c
122Please respect copyright.PENANASgivCWPV7u
諸葛亮面無表情用最快的速度說:「魚跟鳥都會被她嚇死,月跟花都不敢看她,我看到她,差點升天去見祖先。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAJ6BqwNSs7H
122Please respect copyright.PENANAAnyEkhhxQ7
……122Please respect copyright.PENANARrACge9U9a
122Please respect copyright.PENANAoeAZsKJrST
諸葛亮:「我後來私下探訪,才知道黃老頭的女兒根本是個滯銷品。她醜得用豬形容都侮辱豬,而且還不只是醜、醜我還可以接受,重點是她的個性又很差,差得用老母形容都侮辱老母啊。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAIsjEH9yzPQ
122Please respect copyright.PENANAAcU1uUQ59M
你老母的個性到底是多差才會被你拿來這樣比喻啊!122Please respect copyright.PENANA9tWE7BU4sv
122Please respect copyright.PENANAy73X5kIsi8
諸葛亮:「我當然反悔了,但又不想把東西還給黃老頭,所以想賴帳。但黃老頭找了一群人來對付我,我打不贏又逃不掉,只好去找我師傅幫忙。但你知道我師傅跟我說什麼嗎?」122Please respect copyright.PENANANjUEGTGAl6
122Please respect copyright.PENANA26nrtNgL1L
我:「什麼?」122Please respect copyright.PENANAWFi6Ayeqbd
122Please respect copyright.PENANACj50nNRpmu
諸葛亮:「他說:『這是你的報應。』」122Please respect copyright.PENANAVWioUk3tmL
122Please respect copyright.PENANAxakb9LSjCS
是報應沒有錯啊。122Please respect copyright.PENANALdz7vBxmuu
122Please respect copyright.PENANAJO5OmJDDho
不過,這到底哪門子因果報應劇場的劇情?你是諸葛亮耶,怎麼抱怨起來簡直像是菜市場的歐巴桑在抱怨一樣又臭又長?你知道你說話的長度觀眾看了會煩嗎?你知道你說話的方式像是我把我心裡的對白全部講出來一樣誇張嗎?說好的長話短說呢?122Please respect copyright.PENANAnZcYRPWcm2
122Please respect copyright.PENANABvTySU7acJ
重點是。122Please respect copyright.PENANAKiGxsqADtJ
122Please respect copyright.PENANA2mtkmB0l0E
怪我嘍?122Please respect copyright.PENANA5YIcX8f4ZR
122Please respect copyright.PENANABKA7nYRFdz
我:「那是你自己搞出來的事,不要牽拖到我身上吧?」122Please respect copyright.PENANA0MRc8OaD2t
122Please respect copyright.PENANAKRP4B2Rtep
諸葛亮:「抱歉。」122Please respect copyright.PENANACINssi4cEf
122Please respect copyright.PENANAQ2JfcOP4UG
我:「不接受行不行?」122Please respect copyright.PENANATNN0qp1oib
122Please respect copyright.PENANAVijSS1PMSH
諸葛亮:「對不起。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAvQ37WkKrg9
122Please respect copyright.PENANApYU43Jb5Oe
……122Please respect copyright.PENANAWfeEla8mCS
122Please respect copyright.PENANAah2tzITaxL
諸葛亮毫不在乎我的感受,繼續抱怨:「還有啊,既然你是後世的人應該知道吧,那個娘砲劉備硬是要我去當他的軍師。我可是要當皇帝的人,所以我當然拒絕他──誰知道他身邊一群流氓,我不幫忙就拿刀要砍我,所以我只能四處躲躲藏藏,希望不要被他找到。」122Please respect copyright.PENANADhSdiVuCyR
122Please respect copyright.PENANAwzzgQnYfrZ
那我大概有三次被抓的機會。122Please respect copyright.PENANAUTAAcSGELI
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「對了,我已經被抓到兩次了,如果你再被抓到可能只有死路一條,自己小心一點。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAoLtA6pxfD3
122Please respect copyright.PENANAHwgUENgFtT
去你妹的。122Please respect copyright.PENANAPlJFSR9SzQ
122Please respect copyright.PENANAv8WGr2l8yL
我:「你去找別人好不好?如果你需要,我可以推薦幾個人給你。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAzufDiwF8NP
122Please respect copyright.PENANAi453V4oQIK
那幾個向我借錢不還的、背後偷罵我的、賣黑心食品的、硬拆房子的、愛穿三角褲游泳的,我認為都是不錯的對象。122Please respect copyright.PENANAyRvGtVew4T
122Please respect copyright.PENANAOvm5E7sydS
不要問我穿三角褲游泳哪裡錯了。122Please respect copyright.PENANApcvaScSYOC
122Please respect copyright.PENANAgC5iJcMFWa
但諸葛亮只是說:「你連自己的長相都忘了?」122Please respect copyright.PENANAU4AcCcZ4kY
122Please respect copyright.PENANAhAJRzllK36
他說完,一面銅鏡浮現在我面前。122Please respect copyright.PENANA6ESOTZe3Sz
122Please respect copyright.PENANAEEmNW3wVK0
我一看,鏡子裡只有諸葛亮。122Please respect copyright.PENANAHkKCXITfoJ
122Please respect copyright.PENANApsJE2Vin1r
鏡子拿下,卻看到我自己。122Please respect copyright.PENANAuL9utkOtV0
122Please respect copyright.PENANAwCMm6Lcla3
諸葛亮:「你就是我、我就是你,別人沒辦法代替我。」122Please respect copyright.PENANArWUkiOVKOp
122Please respect copyright.PENANA45oOlXnAvb
我無話可說。122Please respect copyright.PENANAUFcEQEEpsJ
122Please respect copyright.PENANA0IIJdLZn4K
諸葛亮:「另外,大白天就在做白日夢的你,也算是異類了。」122Please respect copyright.PENANACvNlLP4PU6
122Please respect copyright.PENANAHconxK7VYT
我真的無話可說。122Please respect copyright.PENANASivVz9MGu1
122Please respect copyright.PENANAII7XlILSf1
諸葛亮笑笑:「換個方向思考,跟我交換也不是只有壞處嘛。我這麼天才,你怎麼可能是個廢物?但我看你現在就是半個廢人,換個地方,看你能不能換個心情好好努力。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAayIuzad1at
122Please respect copyright.PENANA5PVmLGtd53
我:「那我會變成什麼樣子?」122Please respect copyright.PENANAahTTG1IOEe
122Please respect copyright.PENANAUhNYaSltoG
諸葛亮:「就這樣,時間差不多了,有沒有問題想問的?」122Please respect copyright.PENANAhqarBWqjZy
122Please respect copyright.PENANAmLSI4iVPd3
我剛才已經問了!122Please respect copyright.PENANAOhnMYkvZtz
122Please respect copyright.PENANAJwEFU17MFm
他根本就只有抱怨啊,從頭到尾都只有抱怨啊,說好要交代的事情呢?122Please respect copyright.PENANAQAhTcCS6gL
122Please respect copyright.PENANA4XRnQz5qiU
我:「現在的我呢?會變成什麼樣子?」122Please respect copyright.PENANAbrF4h81ocs
122Please respect copyright.PENANAYbyoZ5P1nn
「我故意不想回答,你還是硬要問這個啊,真是沒有意義。」諸葛亮一臉我問錯問題的樣子。「算了,我就回答你吧。這個你大可以放心。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAx1qwfFRDmS
122Please respect copyright.PENANA740WcFBzyI
我:「放心?」122Please respect copyright.PENANAJF7MdCReUb
122Please respect copyright.PENANAGQ9aOHHQ6l
諸葛亮笑著:「我已經準備好另一個身體,並不會跟你調換。所有認識你的人都會忘了你,那個世界不會有關於你的存在。」122Please respect copyright.PENANArRn8TkD4yH
122Please respect copyright.PENANAjdE3pMBzVO
我喉頭一澀。122Please respect copyright.PENANA1DYtMmwA2l
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根本笑不出來。122Please respect copyright.PENANAxvVkQf7q4K
122Please respect copyright.PENANARNoXIGy7Uq
但諸葛亮只管他的我行我素:「最後提醒你一件事。」122Please respect copyright.PENANArjjoFXE6EY
122Please respect copyright.PENANA5clMxilvsW
那是一個頗有深意的笑容。122Please respect copyright.PENANAlLRFj7lwn2
122Please respect copyright.PENANAvxtx0sk0WL
「歷史是會騙人的。」122Please respect copyright.PENANAoQ6lmKyLi3
122Please respect copyright.PENANAn3YpIetwFT
我的視界陷入混沌當中。