現行大學教育體制下的犧牲品,完畢。
接著說故事。讓我為剛才冗長、不簡略、沒有重點、根本騙字數的自我介紹道歉,這裡我一言以蔽之。
一個小白臉靠老婆過活的日子,以上。
當然有人想問:「這有什麼好說的?」
我會這樣回答:「這小白臉很出名。」
他叫,諸葛亮孔明。
故事的開始有點模糊,因為我記得我人在宿舍,剛吃完一塊雞排、用可樂漱口,沒有刷牙就倒在床上睡著。附帶一提,時間是星期三早上八點,一整天的課大概都得翹掉。118Please respect copyright.PENANAwnq4UIZeSH
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不過那已經不重要了。118Please respect copyright.PENANAC1SGnHCfuk
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因為我醒來的時候,不,應該說我「在夢裡醒來的時候」,身處於一個莫名其妙的地方。118Please respect copyright.PENANALiSP06eVDa
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那是一個用竹子搭建起來的房間,裡面有一套桌椅、一個衣櫃、一張床,必須用複數形容的只有凌亂四散的書籍,數量之多幾乎要淹沒整個房間。房間窗戶是打開的,透過窗戶往外看,是一大片的青竹林。118Please respect copyright.PENANAmQJkDNIWEJ
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風一吹,竹葉的稀疏摩擦聲如海浪般一波未平一波又起。118Please respect copyright.PENANAqZL4ZQbs6J
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風又吹,吹散了一個人的長髮。118Please respect copyright.PENANAse2TNweL9z
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那個人坐在一張涼蓆上。他的皮膚是一種接近病態的蒼白、黑色長髮凌亂分岔披散在肩膀,他身上只有一件青布衣用腰帶寬鬆地繫住,更顯得過瘦的身軀弱不禁風。118Please respect copyright.PENANAXtPHBskgGz
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我想看清對方的面目,無奈那人素白的右手上拿著書,遮住了臉面。118Please respect copyright.PENANAfKPfypwLLy
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似男類女,撲朔迷離。118Please respect copyright.PENANAdZc5HSpOt5
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我坐起,無法理解眼前情形。118Please respect copyright.PENANAkTDUgunSxJ
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甩甩頭,卻什麼都沒有改變。118Please respect copyright.PENANA2Rv1g6mBb7
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那個人注意到我醒了,放下書、抬起頭,開口:「早安。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAbGk8J598dq
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我這時才看清楚對方的真面目。那是一張十分精緻漂亮的臉龐,膚白若雪、峨嵋皓齒,細柳般的髮絲垂下,一雙黑色的眼眸藏在若隱若現中。118Please respect copyright.PENANALgC5Se3bQe
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我幾乎以為那是個女人,但對方不讓我這麼想。118Please respect copyright.PENANAYZIc3DzwlW
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他開口:「在下複姓諸葛,名亮,字孔明。」118Please respect copyright.PENANA47tmWY7Tk8
118Please respect copyright.PENANAnbYApLEfxE
我活在一個被三國演義淹沒的時代,電視劇、電影、遊戲、漫畫、小說,四處可見三國人物的名號,就算沒有特別研究,也不可能不知道這個名字。118Please respect copyright.PENANAJW2hEWP6tT
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甚至可以說,聽到有點膩了。118Please respect copyright.PENANAWM9ZoqvNPg
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人會對未知感到迷惑、對迷惑感到恐懼。118Please respect copyright.PENANAzLTu7dN3jl
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這時我只想笑。118Please respect copyright.PENANAQuna7iWo64
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我:「這什麼整人節目?真是大手筆。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAtSDnYrM182
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那自稱諸葛亮的人──我就暫且叫他諸葛亮──放下書,起身走到我面前,饒有興趣地問:「整人節目?那是什麼?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAnTTo1yQ4aT
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我沒興趣跟他玩了,直接說:「換下一個人吧,我要走了。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAIuWBhuS2ZJ
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諸葛亮點點頭,伸手比向旁邊的竹門:「請便。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAC2jFdlRKGw
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我走下床、打開門、走出去……118Please respect copyright.PENANAeMqmT3xOUn
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停住。118Please respect copyright.PENANAyAX7CMSzMc
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如果我沒看錯,眼前是藍天白雲、房子底下空空如也。118Please respect copyright.PENANAeOOUm81wrN
118Please respect copyright.PENANAVcF5up9WFr
刺骨的寒風一吹,攪得我心頭一涼。118Please respect copyright.PENANADRNnguDdbC
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我面無表情關上門,回頭。118Please respect copyright.PENANANBcm9KWu1s
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諸葛亮好整以暇坐在床上,開口:「這是模擬我住的地方想像出來的空間。如果你想要,說說看喜歡什麼樣的地方,我都能換給你。順便一提,想要冷、熱、痛甚至是奇癢,我都能你體會到。」118Please respect copyright.PENANACUc14q3JlF
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諸葛亮冷笑:「不管你想不想要。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAVloHIb5LGs
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文言文我大致上都聽得懂,感謝我的國文老師。118Please respect copyright.PENANAITb3j0Zhaf
118Please respect copyright.PENANAfmXGpuVQcq
太長的、比較難的,我就當場自己翻譯成白話文,這樣我比較好懂、大家也比較好懂──不要再跟我討論什麼古代人怎麼會說白話文的問題。118Please respect copyright.PENANAEg1bUIateJ
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但我還是聽不懂諸葛亮想表達什麼。118Please respect copyright.PENANAgkxLBMC6c4
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諸葛亮也不管我是不是理解了,自顧自開口:「聽你說話的方式,應該是生活在我的後世而非前世,真想跟你聊一聊以後的世界。可惜我們的時間不夠,有些事情該交代的,道義上我還是要向你交代一下。」118Please respect copyright.PENANArICREqNtBa
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我沒有理他,走到窗戶旁邊,探出頭。118Please respect copyright.PENANAGctK8CVKRK
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竹林消失,又是一片藍天白雲。118Please respect copyright.PENANAMjWrzf0R9h
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怎麼辦?我只好祈禱。118Please respect copyright.PENANAPWoPh7m9tQ
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萬能的天神啊,我知道錯了,我不該沒刷牙就睡覺。我以後一定會當一個乖寶寶的,如果這是夢,請快點讓我醒來吧。118Please respect copyright.PENANArOUHeJA0aO
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然後我在自己臉上打了熱騰騰的一巴掌。118Please respect copyright.PENANAmLwfwpUCbC
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痛死我,不信也得信了。118Please respect copyright.PENANAa6OYG1pWUu
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「後悔也來不及了、祈禱也沒有用的,這個世界沒有神。」諸葛亮好像看穿我在想什麼。「好好談談吧,對你不會有壞處的。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAMTziNGuXm4
118Please respect copyright.PENANAsxuxsKO2c6
我:「這是什麼情況?」118Please respect copyright.PENANA3CaHr0UZDU
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這比醒來的時候發現自己被關在密室腳上被綁著鐵鍊旁邊還只有一把生鏽的鋸子逼你把腿鋸掉還要扯的到底是什麼情況?118Please respect copyright.PENANAgonnauMgw8
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我絕對沒有打錯字。118Please respect copyright.PENANAiwWLvROCXd
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諸葛亮:「這裡是我設下的幻魂陣,能讓精神脫離肉體,直接進行交流。不過我不是要和你交流什麼,而是想讓你代替我。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAyIDNWUtwZZ
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我:「代替?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAZSI8r2f370
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諸葛亮:「就是讓你變成我。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAr387zm9KU1
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我:「為什麼?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAISHIh8oa0I
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諸葛亮:「這說來話長。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAiucvOMbk3n
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我:「那不要說好了。」118Please respect copyright.PENANA7FJ8bccYXv
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諸葛亮:「但我還是想說一下。這得從我的志向開始說起。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAVLYzhvn1rF
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「什麼志向?」我隨口問。你想當第一任臨時大總統之類的嗎?118Please respect copyright.PENANA2NnVvdcSyv
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諸葛亮:「第一,就是當皇帝。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAmNxBzwCJZl
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也差不多意思。118Please respect copyright.PENANAQYVNErdK9f
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諸葛亮:「第二,就是把我喜歡的美女通通收入後宮。如果可以直接完成第二項,那第一項不用完成其實沒關係。」118Please respect copyright.PENANA5KrmVzoQOv
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真是遠大的志向啊,佩服佩服。你個死色胚。118Please respect copyright.PENANAU58ZvajKa4
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諸葛亮嘆了口氣:「唉,但我不小心犯了一個錯。為了完成我的遠大志向,我想要那老頭──一個叫黃承彥的老頭,我想要他的『四象八卦圖』,誰知道他只送不賣,說是要拿來當他女兒的嫁妝。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAaKAZAJqIBN
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好個有商業頭腦的老頭。118Please respect copyright.PENANAA0celhBNFN
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我:「這算什麼錯?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAGsqDvWLraE
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諸葛亮:「別急,我還沒說完。我問他:『汝女之容如何?』他回答我:『沉魚落雁、閉月羞花,汝見之,必驚為天人。』我考慮了一下,既可以拿到我想要的東西、還順便賺一個美女當老婆,這麼划算的事情不答應簡直是白癡,所以我就答應了。」118Please respect copyright.PENANABBPIavQWp3
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我:「這樣很好啊。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAdzkBR9rODf
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諸葛亮面無表情用最快的速度說:「魚跟鳥都會被她嚇死,月跟花都不敢看她,我看到她,差點升天去見祖先。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAabXbswkHET
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……118Please respect copyright.PENANAzvgZGnnMaW
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諸葛亮:「我後來私下探訪,才知道黃老頭的女兒根本是個滯銷品。她醜得用豬形容都侮辱豬,而且還不只是醜、醜我還可以接受,重點是她的個性又很差,差得用老母形容都侮辱老母啊。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAXOYpZlXdbM
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你老母的個性到底是多差才會被你拿來這樣比喻啊!118Please respect copyright.PENANACPESCTxPxb
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諸葛亮:「我當然反悔了,但又不想把東西還給黃老頭,所以想賴帳。但黃老頭找了一群人來對付我,我打不贏又逃不掉,只好去找我師傅幫忙。但你知道我師傅跟我說什麼嗎?」118Please respect copyright.PENANALWojQJYIln
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我:「什麼?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAyWO4Bt9ZLH
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諸葛亮:「他說:『這是你的報應。』」118Please respect copyright.PENANAoQddxxkWL9
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是報應沒有錯啊。118Please respect copyright.PENANARDavGN4ifp
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不過,這到底哪門子因果報應劇場的劇情?你是諸葛亮耶,怎麼抱怨起來簡直像是菜市場的歐巴桑在抱怨一樣又臭又長?你知道你說話的長度觀眾看了會煩嗎?你知道你說話的方式像是我把我心裡的對白全部講出來一樣誇張嗎?說好的長話短說呢?118Please respect copyright.PENANAZ52Rw6Tc3m
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重點是。118Please respect copyright.PENANAs5YlgKz1S1
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怪我嘍?118Please respect copyright.PENANApYobU2YzpM
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我:「那是你自己搞出來的事,不要牽拖到我身上吧?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAqClLlNYJVE
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諸葛亮:「抱歉。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAd1mhYpVggb
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我:「不接受行不行?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAS9hritJSVt
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諸葛亮:「對不起。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAtWWm0aGxB8
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……118Please respect copyright.PENANAAdto9mp8k7
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諸葛亮毫不在乎我的感受,繼續抱怨:「還有啊,既然你是後世的人應該知道吧,那個娘砲劉備硬是要我去當他的軍師。我可是要當皇帝的人,所以我當然拒絕他──誰知道他身邊一群流氓,我不幫忙就拿刀要砍我,所以我只能四處躲躲藏藏,希望不要被他找到。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAvPm3IWsVIh
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那我大概有三次被抓的機會。118Please respect copyright.PENANAaUrw6V4eBN
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「對了,我已經被抓到兩次了,如果你再被抓到可能只有死路一條,自己小心一點。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAMP8W3jp2ID
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去你妹的。118Please respect copyright.PENANA1wo6kjWbU3
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我:「你去找別人好不好?如果你需要,我可以推薦幾個人給你。」118Please respect copyright.PENANA0JnzRYVEkt
118Please respect copyright.PENANASUdAKYdsCv
那幾個向我借錢不還的、背後偷罵我的、賣黑心食品的、硬拆房子的、愛穿三角褲游泳的,我認為都是不錯的對象。118Please respect copyright.PENANAtRU52UT7OC
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不要問我穿三角褲游泳哪裡錯了。118Please respect copyright.PENANAarVzTnBez3
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但諸葛亮只是說:「你連自己的長相都忘了?」118Please respect copyright.PENANA8dK1ZbDGnP
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他說完,一面銅鏡浮現在我面前。118Please respect copyright.PENANAhBqATaJPdn
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我一看,鏡子裡只有諸葛亮。118Please respect copyright.PENANAioOddAqjAY
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鏡子拿下,卻看到我自己。118Please respect copyright.PENANAG6zBs0kWfo
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諸葛亮:「你就是我、我就是你,別人沒辦法代替我。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAWFmFFJU9xm
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我無話可說。118Please respect copyright.PENANAdxTmOsyR8t
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諸葛亮:「另外,大白天就在做白日夢的你,也算是異類了。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAinWBDgqCpV
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我真的無話可說。118Please respect copyright.PENANAxkR6upCtp9
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諸葛亮笑笑:「換個方向思考,跟我交換也不是只有壞處嘛。我這麼天才,你怎麼可能是個廢物?但我看你現在就是半個廢人,換個地方,看你能不能換個心情好好努力。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAqQHI34uS85
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我:「那我會變成什麼樣子?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAHOgaRbpZ4H
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諸葛亮:「就這樣,時間差不多了,有沒有問題想問的?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAn6GXfXFMkP
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我剛才已經問了!118Please respect copyright.PENANAs0x8c0S3dQ
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他根本就只有抱怨啊,從頭到尾都只有抱怨啊,說好要交代的事情呢?118Please respect copyright.PENANAgsnF6hTEYQ
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我:「現在的我呢?會變成什麼樣子?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAXKikQH2lmD
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「我故意不想回答,你還是硬要問這個啊,真是沒有意義。」諸葛亮一臉我問錯問題的樣子。「算了,我就回答你吧。這個你大可以放心。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAYd5FiEYtX9
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我:「放心?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAVmTnQNQrSl
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諸葛亮笑著:「我已經準備好另一個身體,並不會跟你調換。所有認識你的人都會忘了你,那個世界不會有關於你的存在。」118Please respect copyright.PENANA0xqJAaQJrp
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我喉頭一澀。118Please respect copyright.PENANAyTKeKOH6wH
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根本笑不出來。118Please respect copyright.PENANAtQVG87oSVs
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但諸葛亮只管他的我行我素:「最後提醒你一件事。」118Please respect copyright.PENANARbtA6xVfOr
118Please respect copyright.PENANAmNHzWmX6Z7
那是一個頗有深意的笑容。118Please respect copyright.PENANArbqFmrVLYz
118Please respect copyright.PENANAYDF37Ixol2
「歷史是會騙人的。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAomcFme7Veo
118Please respect copyright.PENANAAHTb1UUwuj
我的視界陷入混沌當中。
ns216.73.216.30da2118Please respect copyright.PENANASmmnRdNDVC
不過那已經不重要了。118Please respect copyright.PENANAC1SGnHCfuk
118Please respect copyright.PENANAm0V0a4sQAV
因為我醒來的時候,不,應該說我「在夢裡醒來的時候」,身處於一個莫名其妙的地方。118Please respect copyright.PENANALiSP06eVDa
118Please respect copyright.PENANAHOmEzEUgpr
那是一個用竹子搭建起來的房間,裡面有一套桌椅、一個衣櫃、一張床,必須用複數形容的只有凌亂四散的書籍,數量之多幾乎要淹沒整個房間。房間窗戶是打開的,透過窗戶往外看,是一大片的青竹林。118Please respect copyright.PENANAmQJkDNIWEJ
118Please respect copyright.PENANAKxUevxO7oy
風一吹,竹葉的稀疏摩擦聲如海浪般一波未平一波又起。118Please respect copyright.PENANAqZL4ZQbs6J
118Please respect copyright.PENANAY6aBkFs8io
風又吹,吹散了一個人的長髮。118Please respect copyright.PENANAse2TNweL9z
118Please respect copyright.PENANAcBVn1U1PVU
那個人坐在一張涼蓆上。他的皮膚是一種接近病態的蒼白、黑色長髮凌亂分岔披散在肩膀,他身上只有一件青布衣用腰帶寬鬆地繫住,更顯得過瘦的身軀弱不禁風。118Please respect copyright.PENANAXtPHBskgGz
118Please respect copyright.PENANARY9Tjjaw4k
我想看清對方的面目,無奈那人素白的右手上拿著書,遮住了臉面。118Please respect copyright.PENANAfKPfypwLLy
118Please respect copyright.PENANAsV614J1SXf
似男類女,撲朔迷離。118Please respect copyright.PENANAdZc5HSpOt5
118Please respect copyright.PENANAgaBBdZdlIf
我坐起,無法理解眼前情形。118Please respect copyright.PENANAkTDUgunSxJ
118Please respect copyright.PENANAP34bzSLcRE
甩甩頭,卻什麼都沒有改變。118Please respect copyright.PENANA2Rv1g6mBb7
118Please respect copyright.PENANAnYY8XihsM1
那個人注意到我醒了,放下書、抬起頭,開口:「早安。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAbGk8J598dq
118Please respect copyright.PENANAQlXKZgfP0S
我這時才看清楚對方的真面目。那是一張十分精緻漂亮的臉龐,膚白若雪、峨嵋皓齒,細柳般的髮絲垂下,一雙黑色的眼眸藏在若隱若現中。118Please respect copyright.PENANALgC5Se3bQe
118Please respect copyright.PENANAOlJYlLrfR9
我幾乎以為那是個女人,但對方不讓我這麼想。118Please respect copyright.PENANAYZIc3DzwlW
118Please respect copyright.PENANAYu1mutysIb
他開口:「在下複姓諸葛,名亮,字孔明。」118Please respect copyright.PENANA47tmWY7Tk8
118Please respect copyright.PENANAnbYApLEfxE
我活在一個被三國演義淹沒的時代,電視劇、電影、遊戲、漫畫、小說,四處可見三國人物的名號,就算沒有特別研究,也不可能不知道這個名字。118Please respect copyright.PENANAJW2hEWP6tT
118Please respect copyright.PENANAuJBVt3iPkn
甚至可以說,聽到有點膩了。118Please respect copyright.PENANAWM9ZoqvNPg
118Please respect copyright.PENANAi63mV3Arh8
人會對未知感到迷惑、對迷惑感到恐懼。118Please respect copyright.PENANAzLTu7dN3jl
118Please respect copyright.PENANA1ccoZNHoOF
這時我只想笑。118Please respect copyright.PENANAQuna7iWo64
118Please respect copyright.PENANAymqbjgxAta
我:「這什麼整人節目?真是大手筆。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAtSDnYrM182
118Please respect copyright.PENANA6pOEzl7QrI
那自稱諸葛亮的人──我就暫且叫他諸葛亮──放下書,起身走到我面前,饒有興趣地問:「整人節目?那是什麼?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAnTTo1yQ4aT
118Please respect copyright.PENANAzTqzpVFtva
我沒興趣跟他玩了,直接說:「換下一個人吧,我要走了。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAIuWBhuS2ZJ
118Please respect copyright.PENANAT108WKfLxj
諸葛亮點點頭,伸手比向旁邊的竹門:「請便。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAC2jFdlRKGw
118Please respect copyright.PENANAQ2s1nv2jcs
我走下床、打開門、走出去……118Please respect copyright.PENANAeMqmT3xOUn
118Please respect copyright.PENANAbft7mS7mru
停住。118Please respect copyright.PENANAyAX7CMSzMc
118Please respect copyright.PENANAK5ZAwPxwEK
如果我沒看錯,眼前是藍天白雲、房子底下空空如也。118Please respect copyright.PENANAeOOUm81wrN
118Please respect copyright.PENANAVcF5up9WFr
刺骨的寒風一吹,攪得我心頭一涼。118Please respect copyright.PENANADRNnguDdbC
118Please respect copyright.PENANA2YMB4UJYhG
我面無表情關上門,回頭。118Please respect copyright.PENANANBcm9KWu1s
118Please respect copyright.PENANAk8Bl4FZEWM
諸葛亮好整以暇坐在床上,開口:「這是模擬我住的地方想像出來的空間。如果你想要,說說看喜歡什麼樣的地方,我都能換給你。順便一提,想要冷、熱、痛甚至是奇癢,我都能你體會到。」118Please respect copyright.PENANACUc14q3JlF
118Please respect copyright.PENANApj74HlXqg2
諸葛亮冷笑:「不管你想不想要。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAVloHIb5LGs
118Please respect copyright.PENANAhDCL8EuLgw
文言文我大致上都聽得懂,感謝我的國文老師。118Please respect copyright.PENANAITb3j0Zhaf
118Please respect copyright.PENANAfmXGpuVQcq
太長的、比較難的,我就當場自己翻譯成白話文,這樣我比較好懂、大家也比較好懂──不要再跟我討論什麼古代人怎麼會說白話文的問題。118Please respect copyright.PENANAEg1bUIateJ
118Please respect copyright.PENANADOiWKBFRpH
但我還是聽不懂諸葛亮想表達什麼。118Please respect copyright.PENANAgkxLBMC6c4
118Please respect copyright.PENANAjMKiJVooJc
諸葛亮也不管我是不是理解了,自顧自開口:「聽你說話的方式,應該是生活在我的後世而非前世,真想跟你聊一聊以後的世界。可惜我們的時間不夠,有些事情該交代的,道義上我還是要向你交代一下。」118Please respect copyright.PENANArICREqNtBa
118Please respect copyright.PENANAPvPPJuHGBM
我沒有理他,走到窗戶旁邊,探出頭。118Please respect copyright.PENANAGctK8CVKRK
118Please respect copyright.PENANAWs4yEZL86d
竹林消失,又是一片藍天白雲。118Please respect copyright.PENANAMjWrzf0R9h
118Please respect copyright.PENANA1K9gEQf7Gu
怎麼辦?我只好祈禱。118Please respect copyright.PENANAPWoPh7m9tQ
118Please respect copyright.PENANAftJLmJk9ts
萬能的天神啊,我知道錯了,我不該沒刷牙就睡覺。我以後一定會當一個乖寶寶的,如果這是夢,請快點讓我醒來吧。118Please respect copyright.PENANArOUHeJA0aO
118Please respect copyright.PENANADqGO4QUzKz
然後我在自己臉上打了熱騰騰的一巴掌。118Please respect copyright.PENANAmLwfwpUCbC
118Please respect copyright.PENANAKmgUHOvnbt
痛死我,不信也得信了。118Please respect copyright.PENANAa6OYG1pWUu
118Please respect copyright.PENANAYSRmXWnTsz
「後悔也來不及了、祈禱也沒有用的,這個世界沒有神。」諸葛亮好像看穿我在想什麼。「好好談談吧,對你不會有壞處的。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAMTziNGuXm4
118Please respect copyright.PENANAsxuxsKO2c6
我:「這是什麼情況?」118Please respect copyright.PENANA3CaHr0UZDU
118Please respect copyright.PENANAcxsgpHD7wD
這比醒來的時候發現自己被關在密室腳上被綁著鐵鍊旁邊還只有一把生鏽的鋸子逼你把腿鋸掉還要扯的到底是什麼情況?118Please respect copyright.PENANAgonnauMgw8
118Please respect copyright.PENANA5PucDLSDKS
我絕對沒有打錯字。118Please respect copyright.PENANAiwWLvROCXd
118Please respect copyright.PENANA2r2btihBu5
諸葛亮:「這裡是我設下的幻魂陣,能讓精神脫離肉體,直接進行交流。不過我不是要和你交流什麼,而是想讓你代替我。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAyIDNWUtwZZ
118Please respect copyright.PENANA2IXYZB3MGg
我:「代替?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAZSI8r2f370
118Please respect copyright.PENANAH6mMBK71VE
諸葛亮:「就是讓你變成我。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAr387zm9KU1
118Please respect copyright.PENANAadYrDckNNW
我:「為什麼?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAISHIh8oa0I
118Please respect copyright.PENANAqdn4dI3I1E
諸葛亮:「這說來話長。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAiucvOMbk3n
118Please respect copyright.PENANA5r179ASUm6
我:「那不要說好了。」118Please respect copyright.PENANA7FJ8bccYXv
118Please respect copyright.PENANAPjgW1bQjVi
諸葛亮:「但我還是想說一下。這得從我的志向開始說起。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAVLYzhvn1rF
118Please respect copyright.PENANAv3iWbNaPuV
「什麼志向?」我隨口問。你想當第一任臨時大總統之類的嗎?118Please respect copyright.PENANA2NnVvdcSyv
118Please respect copyright.PENANAU2GQIGuAXC
諸葛亮:「第一,就是當皇帝。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAmNxBzwCJZl
118Please respect copyright.PENANADFqfydd5o6
也差不多意思。118Please respect copyright.PENANAQYVNErdK9f
118Please respect copyright.PENANAsXKzhWGLm8
諸葛亮:「第二,就是把我喜歡的美女通通收入後宮。如果可以直接完成第二項,那第一項不用完成其實沒關係。」118Please respect copyright.PENANA5KrmVzoQOv
118Please respect copyright.PENANAR3n0Ot2v1k
真是遠大的志向啊,佩服佩服。你個死色胚。118Please respect copyright.PENANAU58ZvajKa4
118Please respect copyright.PENANAkeaVk4iNNZ
諸葛亮嘆了口氣:「唉,但我不小心犯了一個錯。為了完成我的遠大志向,我想要那老頭──一個叫黃承彥的老頭,我想要他的『四象八卦圖』,誰知道他只送不賣,說是要拿來當他女兒的嫁妝。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAaKAZAJqIBN
118Please respect copyright.PENANAqBampj5EXl
好個有商業頭腦的老頭。118Please respect copyright.PENANAA0celhBNFN
118Please respect copyright.PENANAXNliYQ1iHz
我:「這算什麼錯?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAGsqDvWLraE
118Please respect copyright.PENANANdUQfhYR8M
諸葛亮:「別急,我還沒說完。我問他:『汝女之容如何?』他回答我:『沉魚落雁、閉月羞花,汝見之,必驚為天人。』我考慮了一下,既可以拿到我想要的東西、還順便賺一個美女當老婆,這麼划算的事情不答應簡直是白癡,所以我就答應了。」118Please respect copyright.PENANABBPIavQWp3
118Please respect copyright.PENANA0UE9tOpcak
我:「這樣很好啊。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAdzkBR9rODf
118Please respect copyright.PENANAyAfpNwvoSh
諸葛亮面無表情用最快的速度說:「魚跟鳥都會被她嚇死,月跟花都不敢看她,我看到她,差點升天去見祖先。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAabXbswkHET
118Please respect copyright.PENANAU0HUesY922
……118Please respect copyright.PENANAzvgZGnnMaW
118Please respect copyright.PENANAVGLa7PuvOJ
諸葛亮:「我後來私下探訪,才知道黃老頭的女兒根本是個滯銷品。她醜得用豬形容都侮辱豬,而且還不只是醜、醜我還可以接受,重點是她的個性又很差,差得用老母形容都侮辱老母啊。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAXOYpZlXdbM
118Please respect copyright.PENANAfZo1vAp7fk
你老母的個性到底是多差才會被你拿來這樣比喻啊!118Please respect copyright.PENANACPESCTxPxb
118Please respect copyright.PENANACfwleouHw1
諸葛亮:「我當然反悔了,但又不想把東西還給黃老頭,所以想賴帳。但黃老頭找了一群人來對付我,我打不贏又逃不掉,只好去找我師傅幫忙。但你知道我師傅跟我說什麼嗎?」118Please respect copyright.PENANALWojQJYIln
118Please respect copyright.PENANAUVOHPK4YVK
我:「什麼?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAyWO4Bt9ZLH
118Please respect copyright.PENANAGSL9JIFEcP
諸葛亮:「他說:『這是你的報應。』」118Please respect copyright.PENANAoQddxxkWL9
118Please respect copyright.PENANA2ZPfiufIXh
是報應沒有錯啊。118Please respect copyright.PENANARDavGN4ifp
118Please respect copyright.PENANAyhGSx47Z2l
不過,這到底哪門子因果報應劇場的劇情?你是諸葛亮耶,怎麼抱怨起來簡直像是菜市場的歐巴桑在抱怨一樣又臭又長?你知道你說話的長度觀眾看了會煩嗎?你知道你說話的方式像是我把我心裡的對白全部講出來一樣誇張嗎?說好的長話短說呢?118Please respect copyright.PENANAZ52Rw6Tc3m
118Please respect copyright.PENANAqfzZ4XUQIJ
重點是。118Please respect copyright.PENANAs5YlgKz1S1
118Please respect copyright.PENANAKzwxkmUMxU
怪我嘍?118Please respect copyright.PENANApYobU2YzpM
118Please respect copyright.PENANAeXl9IndHkM
我:「那是你自己搞出來的事,不要牽拖到我身上吧?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAqClLlNYJVE
118Please respect copyright.PENANAQcXQycx9UR
諸葛亮:「抱歉。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAd1mhYpVggb
118Please respect copyright.PENANAVja08ne4t4
我:「不接受行不行?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAS9hritJSVt
118Please respect copyright.PENANAuGAPuKJ1tr
諸葛亮:「對不起。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAtWWm0aGxB8
118Please respect copyright.PENANAiUq0w4XeKY
……118Please respect copyright.PENANAAdto9mp8k7
118Please respect copyright.PENANA6QMZLG2S2N
諸葛亮毫不在乎我的感受,繼續抱怨:「還有啊,既然你是後世的人應該知道吧,那個娘砲劉備硬是要我去當他的軍師。我可是要當皇帝的人,所以我當然拒絕他──誰知道他身邊一群流氓,我不幫忙就拿刀要砍我,所以我只能四處躲躲藏藏,希望不要被他找到。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAvPm3IWsVIh
118Please respect copyright.PENANA0J7IM5mkp0
那我大概有三次被抓的機會。118Please respect copyright.PENANAaUrw6V4eBN
118Please respect copyright.PENANAL2dGwmXPRq
「對了,我已經被抓到兩次了,如果你再被抓到可能只有死路一條,自己小心一點。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAMP8W3jp2ID
118Please respect copyright.PENANAZJqvGrOdBE
去你妹的。118Please respect copyright.PENANA1wo6kjWbU3
118Please respect copyright.PENANAgVIrVv5xiQ
我:「你去找別人好不好?如果你需要,我可以推薦幾個人給你。」118Please respect copyright.PENANA0JnzRYVEkt
118Please respect copyright.PENANASUdAKYdsCv
那幾個向我借錢不還的、背後偷罵我的、賣黑心食品的、硬拆房子的、愛穿三角褲游泳的,我認為都是不錯的對象。118Please respect copyright.PENANAtRU52UT7OC
118Please respect copyright.PENANAkWuo1nKxFb
不要問我穿三角褲游泳哪裡錯了。118Please respect copyright.PENANAarVzTnBez3
118Please respect copyright.PENANADs5mxikuz2
但諸葛亮只是說:「你連自己的長相都忘了?」118Please respect copyright.PENANA8dK1ZbDGnP
118Please respect copyright.PENANAhCX7oBZUet
他說完,一面銅鏡浮現在我面前。118Please respect copyright.PENANAhBqATaJPdn
118Please respect copyright.PENANAKOjWvmU4IQ
我一看,鏡子裡只有諸葛亮。118Please respect copyright.PENANAioOddAqjAY
118Please respect copyright.PENANAdd3cUX4RRD
鏡子拿下,卻看到我自己。118Please respect copyright.PENANAG6zBs0kWfo
118Please respect copyright.PENANAK74a7TxeJR
諸葛亮:「你就是我、我就是你,別人沒辦法代替我。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAWFmFFJU9xm
118Please respect copyright.PENANAn6OsQmolKw
我無話可說。118Please respect copyright.PENANAdxTmOsyR8t
118Please respect copyright.PENANAG9nYUuNpmY
諸葛亮:「另外,大白天就在做白日夢的你,也算是異類了。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAinWBDgqCpV
118Please respect copyright.PENANADhAAbPTG2x
我真的無話可說。118Please respect copyright.PENANAxkR6upCtp9
118Please respect copyright.PENANAQTKxYnXip0
諸葛亮笑笑:「換個方向思考,跟我交換也不是只有壞處嘛。我這麼天才,你怎麼可能是個廢物?但我看你現在就是半個廢人,換個地方,看你能不能換個心情好好努力。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAqQHI34uS85
118Please respect copyright.PENANANJqZDQHQua
我:「那我會變成什麼樣子?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAHOgaRbpZ4H
118Please respect copyright.PENANAtPpvds06wX
諸葛亮:「就這樣,時間差不多了,有沒有問題想問的?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAn6GXfXFMkP
118Please respect copyright.PENANAzTa1UbPHt0
我剛才已經問了!118Please respect copyright.PENANAs0x8c0S3dQ
118Please respect copyright.PENANAdBHNRZMrPK
他根本就只有抱怨啊,從頭到尾都只有抱怨啊,說好要交代的事情呢?118Please respect copyright.PENANAgsnF6hTEYQ
118Please respect copyright.PENANAYF5SthsVma
我:「現在的我呢?會變成什麼樣子?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAXKikQH2lmD
118Please respect copyright.PENANAWP4f8lZR3b
「我故意不想回答,你還是硬要問這個啊,真是沒有意義。」諸葛亮一臉我問錯問題的樣子。「算了,我就回答你吧。這個你大可以放心。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAYd5FiEYtX9
118Please respect copyright.PENANATCsEi4lPgI
我:「放心?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAVmTnQNQrSl
118Please respect copyright.PENANAVwte04Rz6T
諸葛亮笑著:「我已經準備好另一個身體,並不會跟你調換。所有認識你的人都會忘了你,那個世界不會有關於你的存在。」118Please respect copyright.PENANA0xqJAaQJrp
118Please respect copyright.PENANANdrjGiyPqj
我喉頭一澀。118Please respect copyright.PENANAyTKeKOH6wH
118Please respect copyright.PENANA2uzPgAWhkC
根本笑不出來。118Please respect copyright.PENANAtQVG87oSVs
118Please respect copyright.PENANA16paYXMLkt
但諸葛亮只管他的我行我素:「最後提醒你一件事。」118Please respect copyright.PENANARbtA6xVfOr
118Please respect copyright.PENANAmNHzWmX6Z7
那是一個頗有深意的笑容。118Please respect copyright.PENANArbqFmrVLYz
118Please respect copyright.PENANAYDF37Ixol2
「歷史是會騙人的。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAomcFme7Veo
118Please respect copyright.PENANAAHTb1UUwuj
我的視界陷入混沌當中。