現行大學教育體制下的犧牲品,完畢。
接著說故事。讓我為剛才冗長、不簡略、沒有重點、根本騙字數的自我介紹道歉,這裡我一言以蔽之。
一個小白臉靠老婆過活的日子,以上。
當然有人想問:「這有什麼好說的?」
我會這樣回答:「這小白臉很出名。」
他叫,諸葛亮孔明。
故事的開始有點模糊,因為我記得我人在宿舍,剛吃完一塊雞排、用可樂漱口,沒有刷牙就倒在床上睡著。附帶一提,時間是星期三早上八點,一整天的課大概都得翹掉。131Please respect copyright.PENANA65TaVkray2
131Please respect copyright.PENANAm5PE9Od1ER
不過那已經不重要了。131Please respect copyright.PENANAMbc04ll7O8
131Please respect copyright.PENANApEPo0wQ29q
因為我醒來的時候,不,應該說我「在夢裡醒來的時候」,身處於一個莫名其妙的地方。131Please respect copyright.PENANAfUd9H4NNhX
131Please respect copyright.PENANAmXEgxjs4OP
那是一個用竹子搭建起來的房間,裡面有一套桌椅、一個衣櫃、一張床,必須用複數形容的只有凌亂四散的書籍,數量之多幾乎要淹沒整個房間。房間窗戶是打開的,透過窗戶往外看,是一大片的青竹林。131Please respect copyright.PENANA3a9Ie8BJP4
131Please respect copyright.PENANAXgnvpWNXIs
風一吹,竹葉的稀疏摩擦聲如海浪般一波未平一波又起。131Please respect copyright.PENANAHvvpNFY1nj
131Please respect copyright.PENANAjpk2EW32lI
風又吹,吹散了一個人的長髮。131Please respect copyright.PENANAhRfishOo2u
131Please respect copyright.PENANA3t7Kvb5CQ1
那個人坐在一張涼蓆上。他的皮膚是一種接近病態的蒼白、黑色長髮凌亂分岔披散在肩膀,他身上只有一件青布衣用腰帶寬鬆地繫住,更顯得過瘦的身軀弱不禁風。131Please respect copyright.PENANAq7JmNUkfAz
131Please respect copyright.PENANA74lwNsrlZX
我想看清對方的面目,無奈那人素白的右手上拿著書,遮住了臉面。131Please respect copyright.PENANAj8M12miHlX
131Please respect copyright.PENANAkRmODvwFIi
似男類女,撲朔迷離。131Please respect copyright.PENANAKUsty2zZPm
131Please respect copyright.PENANARv56N0HHSw
我坐起,無法理解眼前情形。131Please respect copyright.PENANAztDI43d6w3
131Please respect copyright.PENANAVWONt0phCe
甩甩頭,卻什麼都沒有改變。131Please respect copyright.PENANACw1GuPEGab
131Please respect copyright.PENANAHiGRwYiqmU
那個人注意到我醒了,放下書、抬起頭,開口:「早安。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAamjyeXAfFi
131Please respect copyright.PENANAJFAgVVzNOA
我這時才看清楚對方的真面目。那是一張十分精緻漂亮的臉龐,膚白若雪、峨嵋皓齒,細柳般的髮絲垂下,一雙黑色的眼眸藏在若隱若現中。131Please respect copyright.PENANAJeCtK5QR0c
131Please respect copyright.PENANAhfNnX8iu53
我幾乎以為那是個女人,但對方不讓我這麼想。131Please respect copyright.PENANAnrMRGyZC7o
131Please respect copyright.PENANAXwpyf4ebiO
他開口:「在下複姓諸葛,名亮,字孔明。」131Please respect copyright.PENANATcyfTZ7Tgk
131Please respect copyright.PENANACBpvuFV6FJ
我活在一個被三國演義淹沒的時代,電視劇、電影、遊戲、漫畫、小說,四處可見三國人物的名號,就算沒有特別研究,也不可能不知道這個名字。131Please respect copyright.PENANAetUOqWvPe7
131Please respect copyright.PENANAo5oeDlc7i9
甚至可以說,聽到有點膩了。131Please respect copyright.PENANA4j0L03yiOC
131Please respect copyright.PENANAe9MLVTRZah
人會對未知感到迷惑、對迷惑感到恐懼。131Please respect copyright.PENANAHPNcagPz5G
131Please respect copyright.PENANAzS5h4aJveQ
這時我只想笑。131Please respect copyright.PENANAITOCv3500v
131Please respect copyright.PENANA8jnocOmpgl
我:「這什麼整人節目?真是大手筆。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAU0HRFZ6r58
131Please respect copyright.PENANAJZ6aYpfBWN
那自稱諸葛亮的人──我就暫且叫他諸葛亮──放下書,起身走到我面前,饒有興趣地問:「整人節目?那是什麼?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAUInXmxM0EL
131Please respect copyright.PENANAizvNAACkPI
我沒興趣跟他玩了,直接說:「換下一個人吧,我要走了。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAB1kGoYDxSV
131Please respect copyright.PENANAkzol03ZRxJ
諸葛亮點點頭,伸手比向旁邊的竹門:「請便。」131Please respect copyright.PENANA9ZW0iCH3dA
131Please respect copyright.PENANAZz0K102Fop
我走下床、打開門、走出去……131Please respect copyright.PENANAMIEzWZS0sX
131Please respect copyright.PENANAuD2a7S0bCT
停住。131Please respect copyright.PENANAlwkOQ0zjiC
131Please respect copyright.PENANApYda6bMsjZ
如果我沒看錯,眼前是藍天白雲、房子底下空空如也。131Please respect copyright.PENANAVSXhfnr6Iu
131Please respect copyright.PENANA2DN8aDWhTo
刺骨的寒風一吹,攪得我心頭一涼。131Please respect copyright.PENANAvU2n4KADFx
131Please respect copyright.PENANAMbiMzXZvU7
我面無表情關上門,回頭。131Please respect copyright.PENANAv7g3oph6VX
131Please respect copyright.PENANAPZhy4AVq00
諸葛亮好整以暇坐在床上,開口:「這是模擬我住的地方想像出來的空間。如果你想要,說說看喜歡什麼樣的地方,我都能換給你。順便一提,想要冷、熱、痛甚至是奇癢,我都能你體會到。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAlHGDn59fLl
131Please respect copyright.PENANAQlYnmY5dVx
諸葛亮冷笑:「不管你想不想要。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAfUHI7srDZW
131Please respect copyright.PENANA4HY0Bw83Qz
文言文我大致上都聽得懂,感謝我的國文老師。131Please respect copyright.PENANAu5ZpyxSh57
131Please respect copyright.PENANAkB90tEhtl8
太長的、比較難的,我就當場自己翻譯成白話文,這樣我比較好懂、大家也比較好懂──不要再跟我討論什麼古代人怎麼會說白話文的問題。131Please respect copyright.PENANAMHLl4UC8OT
131Please respect copyright.PENANAj76u0Edw97
但我還是聽不懂諸葛亮想表達什麼。131Please respect copyright.PENANAa81pXoiD4e
131Please respect copyright.PENANAeJCE0oM9J3
諸葛亮也不管我是不是理解了,自顧自開口:「聽你說話的方式,應該是生活在我的後世而非前世,真想跟你聊一聊以後的世界。可惜我們的時間不夠,有些事情該交代的,道義上我還是要向你交代一下。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAXnKHqsDTYY
131Please respect copyright.PENANAO5aaGIo3Rq
我沒有理他,走到窗戶旁邊,探出頭。131Please respect copyright.PENANAPpzlU5bgCt
131Please respect copyright.PENANASIaDj2s5Nr
竹林消失,又是一片藍天白雲。131Please respect copyright.PENANALoQ005tsuK
131Please respect copyright.PENANA7FiUL4DxOd
怎麼辦?我只好祈禱。131Please respect copyright.PENANAOxqWdNJBkV
131Please respect copyright.PENANACXLrg7N6Rp
萬能的天神啊,我知道錯了,我不該沒刷牙就睡覺。我以後一定會當一個乖寶寶的,如果這是夢,請快點讓我醒來吧。131Please respect copyright.PENANAJAEJ4rU3nw
131Please respect copyright.PENANATjyJL1cpNp
然後我在自己臉上打了熱騰騰的一巴掌。131Please respect copyright.PENANAqKSLqIiohL
131Please respect copyright.PENANAr9K0pQdxmh
痛死我,不信也得信了。131Please respect copyright.PENANA4nrzNiP8mP
131Please respect copyright.PENANAACAZMi9tae
「後悔也來不及了、祈禱也沒有用的,這個世界沒有神。」諸葛亮好像看穿我在想什麼。「好好談談吧,對你不會有壞處的。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAFancrjXMuO
131Please respect copyright.PENANA7dUteEj3Hl
我:「這是什麼情況?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAyCTrsEcufy
131Please respect copyright.PENANAQTou3hADes
這比醒來的時候發現自己被關在密室腳上被綁著鐵鍊旁邊還只有一把生鏽的鋸子逼你把腿鋸掉還要扯的到底是什麼情況?131Please respect copyright.PENANAQ1S2SkYhe2
131Please respect copyright.PENANA0afiAnGGGR
我絕對沒有打錯字。131Please respect copyright.PENANAVty0VOdZAN
131Please respect copyright.PENANA0C9pHHMFbm
諸葛亮:「這裡是我設下的幻魂陣,能讓精神脫離肉體,直接進行交流。不過我不是要和你交流什麼,而是想讓你代替我。」131Please respect copyright.PENANA0I3nvaJNBG
131Please respect copyright.PENANArLtV25ZyzE
我:「代替?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAgJtVeXonxs
131Please respect copyright.PENANAgd3subLCsj
諸葛亮:「就是讓你變成我。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAB1yFjvQvlv
131Please respect copyright.PENANAOVoox4PR6z
我:「為什麼?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAjXn0Y8VQCB
131Please respect copyright.PENANAzKZdFi6HhU
諸葛亮:「這說來話長。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAnnPnOaQrVo
131Please respect copyright.PENANAAIomiYK1I8
我:「那不要說好了。」131Please respect copyright.PENANA39XkHX8yb7
131Please respect copyright.PENANAjTR1E6JHVO
諸葛亮:「但我還是想說一下。這得從我的志向開始說起。」131Please respect copyright.PENANA85gJpW9PKo
131Please respect copyright.PENANAqJZzTYBWeD
「什麼志向?」我隨口問。你想當第一任臨時大總統之類的嗎?131Please respect copyright.PENANAD23dN3mwgM
131Please respect copyright.PENANAgupUvvUlj6
諸葛亮:「第一,就是當皇帝。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAGDi5MpaULC
131Please respect copyright.PENANAy7i2nE55XL
也差不多意思。131Please respect copyright.PENANA5Wilbf2rAA
131Please respect copyright.PENANAxgOziP42Xw
諸葛亮:「第二,就是把我喜歡的美女通通收入後宮。如果可以直接完成第二項,那第一項不用完成其實沒關係。」131Please respect copyright.PENANA7DqQqMD4gC
131Please respect copyright.PENANAbgPC4J7TXj
真是遠大的志向啊,佩服佩服。你個死色胚。131Please respect copyright.PENANAiF3jkKP24T
131Please respect copyright.PENANA7DXAUBSVc2
諸葛亮嘆了口氣:「唉,但我不小心犯了一個錯。為了完成我的遠大志向,我想要那老頭──一個叫黃承彥的老頭,我想要他的『四象八卦圖』,誰知道他只送不賣,說是要拿來當他女兒的嫁妝。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAU2EhISmK1l
131Please respect copyright.PENANA3BBzD3ad6x
好個有商業頭腦的老頭。131Please respect copyright.PENANAz94EkRAjXG
131Please respect copyright.PENANApQWqnBkh2S
我:「這算什麼錯?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAwxEGEi3mO4
131Please respect copyright.PENANAnpWoR83Cfs
諸葛亮:「別急,我還沒說完。我問他:『汝女之容如何?』他回答我:『沉魚落雁、閉月羞花,汝見之,必驚為天人。』我考慮了一下,既可以拿到我想要的東西、還順便賺一個美女當老婆,這麼划算的事情不答應簡直是白癡,所以我就答應了。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAihNC4uZOBg
131Please respect copyright.PENANAucAjoFw3pK
我:「這樣很好啊。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAdv5uboVV0S
131Please respect copyright.PENANAA5gKWVo7I2
諸葛亮面無表情用最快的速度說:「魚跟鳥都會被她嚇死,月跟花都不敢看她,我看到她,差點升天去見祖先。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAfZFjUSVX5D
131Please respect copyright.PENANA1v41O3ACAw
……131Please respect copyright.PENANAwPjjrKvjGD
131Please respect copyright.PENANAE8D1T9HMwZ
諸葛亮:「我後來私下探訪,才知道黃老頭的女兒根本是個滯銷品。她醜得用豬形容都侮辱豬,而且還不只是醜、醜我還可以接受,重點是她的個性又很差,差得用老母形容都侮辱老母啊。」131Please respect copyright.PENANA9mlBjZhuiT
131Please respect copyright.PENANA8reakM5k4q
你老母的個性到底是多差才會被你拿來這樣比喻啊!131Please respect copyright.PENANAYj2iVy2fSa
131Please respect copyright.PENANAs5KWSqIamG
諸葛亮:「我當然反悔了,但又不想把東西還給黃老頭,所以想賴帳。但黃老頭找了一群人來對付我,我打不贏又逃不掉,只好去找我師傅幫忙。但你知道我師傅跟我說什麼嗎?」131Please respect copyright.PENANATIjUs2v8Wl
131Please respect copyright.PENANAKnSnyGnbNp
我:「什麼?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAlqoZxxNLI7
131Please respect copyright.PENANA7kjGIzijiS
諸葛亮:「他說:『這是你的報應。』」131Please respect copyright.PENANA0BUYboOSGg
131Please respect copyright.PENANAqTpG6X1bxn
是報應沒有錯啊。131Please respect copyright.PENANA8mkkIKSZYy
131Please respect copyright.PENANAQETOkLRSsD
不過,這到底哪門子因果報應劇場的劇情?你是諸葛亮耶,怎麼抱怨起來簡直像是菜市場的歐巴桑在抱怨一樣又臭又長?你知道你說話的長度觀眾看了會煩嗎?你知道你說話的方式像是我把我心裡的對白全部講出來一樣誇張嗎?說好的長話短說呢?131Please respect copyright.PENANAuAF7ImMfdn
131Please respect copyright.PENANAlyU3Xra77p
重點是。131Please respect copyright.PENANA8qIBgbk4f6
131Please respect copyright.PENANAyC3xrB4HaN
怪我嘍?131Please respect copyright.PENANAPfMlkJuaKy
131Please respect copyright.PENANAj6iorjBkQx
我:「那是你自己搞出來的事,不要牽拖到我身上吧?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAt560mkI4XL
131Please respect copyright.PENANAwNfzwthCVj
諸葛亮:「抱歉。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAq6QqekT6Gp
131Please respect copyright.PENANAEs1mY4iVWL
我:「不接受行不行?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAEaHxivNxIv
131Please respect copyright.PENANAXLgKAPPrZz
諸葛亮:「對不起。」131Please respect copyright.PENANA1TVaZtmmhD
131Please respect copyright.PENANAgc9csve7UT
……131Please respect copyright.PENANAMgJCZT3ccV
131Please respect copyright.PENANADVqFbsQW7x
諸葛亮毫不在乎我的感受,繼續抱怨:「還有啊,既然你是後世的人應該知道吧,那個娘砲劉備硬是要我去當他的軍師。我可是要當皇帝的人,所以我當然拒絕他──誰知道他身邊一群流氓,我不幫忙就拿刀要砍我,所以我只能四處躲躲藏藏,希望不要被他找到。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAvL7J4wZHMW
131Please respect copyright.PENANAAYaEbNliay
那我大概有三次被抓的機會。131Please respect copyright.PENANARbiPoM87Um
131Please respect copyright.PENANAtcEyDNEoY5
「對了,我已經被抓到兩次了,如果你再被抓到可能只有死路一條,自己小心一點。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAhceRb0kQ6P
131Please respect copyright.PENANABcGhu79BFY
去你妹的。131Please respect copyright.PENANAQh2m7EGafn
131Please respect copyright.PENANAJRPaCOx8Ho
我:「你去找別人好不好?如果你需要,我可以推薦幾個人給你。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAaGhf8r4Be8
131Please respect copyright.PENANAOvFNRSufmZ
那幾個向我借錢不還的、背後偷罵我的、賣黑心食品的、硬拆房子的、愛穿三角褲游泳的,我認為都是不錯的對象。131Please respect copyright.PENANAo43MvrfpyT
131Please respect copyright.PENANAv9uOdbIlWZ
不要問我穿三角褲游泳哪裡錯了。131Please respect copyright.PENANABCkuB7907n
131Please respect copyright.PENANA9m5QZkH9x1
但諸葛亮只是說:「你連自己的長相都忘了?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAf0BT06QuAT
131Please respect copyright.PENANAt4Ub7OHcsk
他說完,一面銅鏡浮現在我面前。131Please respect copyright.PENANAk5kIiKcyit
131Please respect copyright.PENANAmlNFpvkDdq
我一看,鏡子裡只有諸葛亮。131Please respect copyright.PENANAytvvCgdlEH
131Please respect copyright.PENANAkAb1F7z1EL
鏡子拿下,卻看到我自己。131Please respect copyright.PENANA1Kq9PnUVnN
131Please respect copyright.PENANANKCoYx1vRF
諸葛亮:「你就是我、我就是你,別人沒辦法代替我。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAqguqlkoBzR
131Please respect copyright.PENANAGHj3BJb6M3
我無話可說。131Please respect copyright.PENANAGhUXPEZ3yf
131Please respect copyright.PENANACV6roWnrKR
諸葛亮:「另外,大白天就在做白日夢的你,也算是異類了。」131Please respect copyright.PENANA0KgPPv7Shl
131Please respect copyright.PENANArrmbUxMG7t
我真的無話可說。131Please respect copyright.PENANAjaLI2VLQH0
131Please respect copyright.PENANAdEvJxgflOn
諸葛亮笑笑:「換個方向思考,跟我交換也不是只有壞處嘛。我這麼天才,你怎麼可能是個廢物?但我看你現在就是半個廢人,換個地方,看你能不能換個心情好好努力。」131Please respect copyright.PENANA7DkHhbzyqS
131Please respect copyright.PENANAaJbE6O5hnh
我:「那我會變成什麼樣子?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAuWNiXaIUB0
131Please respect copyright.PENANA21W5cWEsAn
諸葛亮:「就這樣,時間差不多了,有沒有問題想問的?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAhIjK3GAn8G
131Please respect copyright.PENANAEkbv8pzE5S
我剛才已經問了!131Please respect copyright.PENANA4dDcTI9UDe
131Please respect copyright.PENANAKmGyiZskrH
他根本就只有抱怨啊,從頭到尾都只有抱怨啊,說好要交代的事情呢?131Please respect copyright.PENANAtdTgMIc1h3
131Please respect copyright.PENANArq0HlZC8C0
我:「現在的我呢?會變成什麼樣子?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAeIInbskOjq
131Please respect copyright.PENANArRWkaaipaF
「我故意不想回答,你還是硬要問這個啊,真是沒有意義。」諸葛亮一臉我問錯問題的樣子。「算了,我就回答你吧。這個你大可以放心。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAalO833851I
131Please respect copyright.PENANAcPYgkALJJC
我:「放心?」131Please respect copyright.PENANA07c86M6pIF
131Please respect copyright.PENANA0pYWgMBV3Y
諸葛亮笑著:「我已經準備好另一個身體,並不會跟你調換。所有認識你的人都會忘了你,那個世界不會有關於你的存在。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAIgHJh7pXlk
131Please respect copyright.PENANAlmZwoJfgjg
我喉頭一澀。131Please respect copyright.PENANAvybmGMQLDI
131Please respect copyright.PENANABQxlPCfMAm
根本笑不出來。131Please respect copyright.PENANAafPwRdOv4j
131Please respect copyright.PENANA8v2w0S7vK3
但諸葛亮只管他的我行我素:「最後提醒你一件事。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAx3TtcDBFgq
131Please respect copyright.PENANAb3yj0JmmHw
那是一個頗有深意的笑容。131Please respect copyright.PENANA1sODoiyxDL
131Please respect copyright.PENANA93vlxUNcfA
「歷史是會騙人的。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAeNw0cD7uHC
131Please respect copyright.PENANATV9ryFBJ0W
我的視界陷入混沌當中。
ns216.73.216.190da2 131Please respect copyright.PENANAm5PE9Od1ER
不過那已經不重要了。131Please respect copyright.PENANAMbc04ll7O8
131Please respect copyright.PENANApEPo0wQ29q
因為我醒來的時候,不,應該說我「在夢裡醒來的時候」,身處於一個莫名其妙的地方。131Please respect copyright.PENANAfUd9H4NNhX
131Please respect copyright.PENANAmXEgxjs4OP
那是一個用竹子搭建起來的房間,裡面有一套桌椅、一個衣櫃、一張床,必須用複數形容的只有凌亂四散的書籍,數量之多幾乎要淹沒整個房間。房間窗戶是打開的,透過窗戶往外看,是一大片的青竹林。131Please respect copyright.PENANA3a9Ie8BJP4
131Please respect copyright.PENANAXgnvpWNXIs
風一吹,竹葉的稀疏摩擦聲如海浪般一波未平一波又起。131Please respect copyright.PENANAHvvpNFY1nj
131Please respect copyright.PENANAjpk2EW32lI
風又吹,吹散了一個人的長髮。131Please respect copyright.PENANAhRfishOo2u
131Please respect copyright.PENANA3t7Kvb5CQ1
那個人坐在一張涼蓆上。他的皮膚是一種接近病態的蒼白、黑色長髮凌亂分岔披散在肩膀,他身上只有一件青布衣用腰帶寬鬆地繫住,更顯得過瘦的身軀弱不禁風。131Please respect copyright.PENANAq7JmNUkfAz
131Please respect copyright.PENANA74lwNsrlZX
我想看清對方的面目,無奈那人素白的右手上拿著書,遮住了臉面。131Please respect copyright.PENANAj8M12miHlX
131Please respect copyright.PENANAkRmODvwFIi
似男類女,撲朔迷離。131Please respect copyright.PENANAKUsty2zZPm
131Please respect copyright.PENANARv56N0HHSw
我坐起,無法理解眼前情形。131Please respect copyright.PENANAztDI43d6w3
131Please respect copyright.PENANAVWONt0phCe
甩甩頭,卻什麼都沒有改變。131Please respect copyright.PENANACw1GuPEGab
131Please respect copyright.PENANAHiGRwYiqmU
那個人注意到我醒了,放下書、抬起頭,開口:「早安。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAamjyeXAfFi
131Please respect copyright.PENANAJFAgVVzNOA
我這時才看清楚對方的真面目。那是一張十分精緻漂亮的臉龐,膚白若雪、峨嵋皓齒,細柳般的髮絲垂下,一雙黑色的眼眸藏在若隱若現中。131Please respect copyright.PENANAJeCtK5QR0c
131Please respect copyright.PENANAhfNnX8iu53
我幾乎以為那是個女人,但對方不讓我這麼想。131Please respect copyright.PENANAnrMRGyZC7o
131Please respect copyright.PENANAXwpyf4ebiO
他開口:「在下複姓諸葛,名亮,字孔明。」131Please respect copyright.PENANATcyfTZ7Tgk
131Please respect copyright.PENANACBpvuFV6FJ
我活在一個被三國演義淹沒的時代,電視劇、電影、遊戲、漫畫、小說,四處可見三國人物的名號,就算沒有特別研究,也不可能不知道這個名字。131Please respect copyright.PENANAetUOqWvPe7
131Please respect copyright.PENANAo5oeDlc7i9
甚至可以說,聽到有點膩了。131Please respect copyright.PENANA4j0L03yiOC
131Please respect copyright.PENANAe9MLVTRZah
人會對未知感到迷惑、對迷惑感到恐懼。131Please respect copyright.PENANAHPNcagPz5G
131Please respect copyright.PENANAzS5h4aJveQ
這時我只想笑。131Please respect copyright.PENANAITOCv3500v
131Please respect copyright.PENANA8jnocOmpgl
我:「這什麼整人節目?真是大手筆。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAU0HRFZ6r58
131Please respect copyright.PENANAJZ6aYpfBWN
那自稱諸葛亮的人──我就暫且叫他諸葛亮──放下書,起身走到我面前,饒有興趣地問:「整人節目?那是什麼?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAUInXmxM0EL
131Please respect copyright.PENANAizvNAACkPI
我沒興趣跟他玩了,直接說:「換下一個人吧,我要走了。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAB1kGoYDxSV
131Please respect copyright.PENANAkzol03ZRxJ
諸葛亮點點頭,伸手比向旁邊的竹門:「請便。」131Please respect copyright.PENANA9ZW0iCH3dA
131Please respect copyright.PENANAZz0K102Fop
我走下床、打開門、走出去……131Please respect copyright.PENANAMIEzWZS0sX
131Please respect copyright.PENANAuD2a7S0bCT
停住。131Please respect copyright.PENANAlwkOQ0zjiC
131Please respect copyright.PENANApYda6bMsjZ
如果我沒看錯,眼前是藍天白雲、房子底下空空如也。131Please respect copyright.PENANAVSXhfnr6Iu
131Please respect copyright.PENANA2DN8aDWhTo
刺骨的寒風一吹,攪得我心頭一涼。131Please respect copyright.PENANAvU2n4KADFx
131Please respect copyright.PENANAMbiMzXZvU7
我面無表情關上門,回頭。131Please respect copyright.PENANAv7g3oph6VX
131Please respect copyright.PENANAPZhy4AVq00
諸葛亮好整以暇坐在床上,開口:「這是模擬我住的地方想像出來的空間。如果你想要,說說看喜歡什麼樣的地方,我都能換給你。順便一提,想要冷、熱、痛甚至是奇癢,我都能你體會到。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAlHGDn59fLl
131Please respect copyright.PENANAQlYnmY5dVx
諸葛亮冷笑:「不管你想不想要。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAfUHI7srDZW
131Please respect copyright.PENANA4HY0Bw83Qz
文言文我大致上都聽得懂,感謝我的國文老師。131Please respect copyright.PENANAu5ZpyxSh57
131Please respect copyright.PENANAkB90tEhtl8
太長的、比較難的,我就當場自己翻譯成白話文,這樣我比較好懂、大家也比較好懂──不要再跟我討論什麼古代人怎麼會說白話文的問題。131Please respect copyright.PENANAMHLl4UC8OT
131Please respect copyright.PENANAj76u0Edw97
但我還是聽不懂諸葛亮想表達什麼。131Please respect copyright.PENANAa81pXoiD4e
131Please respect copyright.PENANAeJCE0oM9J3
諸葛亮也不管我是不是理解了,自顧自開口:「聽你說話的方式,應該是生活在我的後世而非前世,真想跟你聊一聊以後的世界。可惜我們的時間不夠,有些事情該交代的,道義上我還是要向你交代一下。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAXnKHqsDTYY
131Please respect copyright.PENANAO5aaGIo3Rq
我沒有理他,走到窗戶旁邊,探出頭。131Please respect copyright.PENANAPpzlU5bgCt
131Please respect copyright.PENANASIaDj2s5Nr
竹林消失,又是一片藍天白雲。131Please respect copyright.PENANALoQ005tsuK
131Please respect copyright.PENANA7FiUL4DxOd
怎麼辦?我只好祈禱。131Please respect copyright.PENANAOxqWdNJBkV
131Please respect copyright.PENANACXLrg7N6Rp
萬能的天神啊,我知道錯了,我不該沒刷牙就睡覺。我以後一定會當一個乖寶寶的,如果這是夢,請快點讓我醒來吧。131Please respect copyright.PENANAJAEJ4rU3nw
131Please respect copyright.PENANATjyJL1cpNp
然後我在自己臉上打了熱騰騰的一巴掌。131Please respect copyright.PENANAqKSLqIiohL
131Please respect copyright.PENANAr9K0pQdxmh
痛死我,不信也得信了。131Please respect copyright.PENANA4nrzNiP8mP
131Please respect copyright.PENANAACAZMi9tae
「後悔也來不及了、祈禱也沒有用的,這個世界沒有神。」諸葛亮好像看穿我在想什麼。「好好談談吧,對你不會有壞處的。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAFancrjXMuO
131Please respect copyright.PENANA7dUteEj3Hl
我:「這是什麼情況?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAyCTrsEcufy
131Please respect copyright.PENANAQTou3hADes
這比醒來的時候發現自己被關在密室腳上被綁著鐵鍊旁邊還只有一把生鏽的鋸子逼你把腿鋸掉還要扯的到底是什麼情況?131Please respect copyright.PENANAQ1S2SkYhe2
131Please respect copyright.PENANA0afiAnGGGR
我絕對沒有打錯字。131Please respect copyright.PENANAVty0VOdZAN
131Please respect copyright.PENANA0C9pHHMFbm
諸葛亮:「這裡是我設下的幻魂陣,能讓精神脫離肉體,直接進行交流。不過我不是要和你交流什麼,而是想讓你代替我。」131Please respect copyright.PENANA0I3nvaJNBG
131Please respect copyright.PENANArLtV25ZyzE
我:「代替?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAgJtVeXonxs
131Please respect copyright.PENANAgd3subLCsj
諸葛亮:「就是讓你變成我。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAB1yFjvQvlv
131Please respect copyright.PENANAOVoox4PR6z
我:「為什麼?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAjXn0Y8VQCB
131Please respect copyright.PENANAzKZdFi6HhU
諸葛亮:「這說來話長。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAnnPnOaQrVo
131Please respect copyright.PENANAAIomiYK1I8
我:「那不要說好了。」131Please respect copyright.PENANA39XkHX8yb7
131Please respect copyright.PENANAjTR1E6JHVO
諸葛亮:「但我還是想說一下。這得從我的志向開始說起。」131Please respect copyright.PENANA85gJpW9PKo
131Please respect copyright.PENANAqJZzTYBWeD
「什麼志向?」我隨口問。你想當第一任臨時大總統之類的嗎?131Please respect copyright.PENANAD23dN3mwgM
131Please respect copyright.PENANAgupUvvUlj6
諸葛亮:「第一,就是當皇帝。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAGDi5MpaULC
131Please respect copyright.PENANAy7i2nE55XL
也差不多意思。131Please respect copyright.PENANA5Wilbf2rAA
131Please respect copyright.PENANAxgOziP42Xw
諸葛亮:「第二,就是把我喜歡的美女通通收入後宮。如果可以直接完成第二項,那第一項不用完成其實沒關係。」131Please respect copyright.PENANA7DqQqMD4gC
131Please respect copyright.PENANAbgPC4J7TXj
真是遠大的志向啊,佩服佩服。你個死色胚。131Please respect copyright.PENANAiF3jkKP24T
131Please respect copyright.PENANA7DXAUBSVc2
諸葛亮嘆了口氣:「唉,但我不小心犯了一個錯。為了完成我的遠大志向,我想要那老頭──一個叫黃承彥的老頭,我想要他的『四象八卦圖』,誰知道他只送不賣,說是要拿來當他女兒的嫁妝。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAU2EhISmK1l
131Please respect copyright.PENANA3BBzD3ad6x
好個有商業頭腦的老頭。131Please respect copyright.PENANAz94EkRAjXG
131Please respect copyright.PENANApQWqnBkh2S
我:「這算什麼錯?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAwxEGEi3mO4
131Please respect copyright.PENANAnpWoR83Cfs
諸葛亮:「別急,我還沒說完。我問他:『汝女之容如何?』他回答我:『沉魚落雁、閉月羞花,汝見之,必驚為天人。』我考慮了一下,既可以拿到我想要的東西、還順便賺一個美女當老婆,這麼划算的事情不答應簡直是白癡,所以我就答應了。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAihNC4uZOBg
131Please respect copyright.PENANAucAjoFw3pK
我:「這樣很好啊。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAdv5uboVV0S
131Please respect copyright.PENANAA5gKWVo7I2
諸葛亮面無表情用最快的速度說:「魚跟鳥都會被她嚇死,月跟花都不敢看她,我看到她,差點升天去見祖先。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAfZFjUSVX5D
131Please respect copyright.PENANA1v41O3ACAw
……131Please respect copyright.PENANAwPjjrKvjGD
131Please respect copyright.PENANAE8D1T9HMwZ
諸葛亮:「我後來私下探訪,才知道黃老頭的女兒根本是個滯銷品。她醜得用豬形容都侮辱豬,而且還不只是醜、醜我還可以接受,重點是她的個性又很差,差得用老母形容都侮辱老母啊。」131Please respect copyright.PENANA9mlBjZhuiT
131Please respect copyright.PENANA8reakM5k4q
你老母的個性到底是多差才會被你拿來這樣比喻啊!131Please respect copyright.PENANAYj2iVy2fSa
131Please respect copyright.PENANAs5KWSqIamG
諸葛亮:「我當然反悔了,但又不想把東西還給黃老頭,所以想賴帳。但黃老頭找了一群人來對付我,我打不贏又逃不掉,只好去找我師傅幫忙。但你知道我師傅跟我說什麼嗎?」131Please respect copyright.PENANATIjUs2v8Wl
131Please respect copyright.PENANAKnSnyGnbNp
我:「什麼?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAlqoZxxNLI7
131Please respect copyright.PENANA7kjGIzijiS
諸葛亮:「他說:『這是你的報應。』」131Please respect copyright.PENANA0BUYboOSGg
131Please respect copyright.PENANAqTpG6X1bxn
是報應沒有錯啊。131Please respect copyright.PENANA8mkkIKSZYy
131Please respect copyright.PENANAQETOkLRSsD
不過,這到底哪門子因果報應劇場的劇情?你是諸葛亮耶,怎麼抱怨起來簡直像是菜市場的歐巴桑在抱怨一樣又臭又長?你知道你說話的長度觀眾看了會煩嗎?你知道你說話的方式像是我把我心裡的對白全部講出來一樣誇張嗎?說好的長話短說呢?131Please respect copyright.PENANAuAF7ImMfdn
131Please respect copyright.PENANAlyU3Xra77p
重點是。131Please respect copyright.PENANA8qIBgbk4f6
131Please respect copyright.PENANAyC3xrB4HaN
怪我嘍?131Please respect copyright.PENANAPfMlkJuaKy
131Please respect copyright.PENANAj6iorjBkQx
我:「那是你自己搞出來的事,不要牽拖到我身上吧?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAt560mkI4XL
131Please respect copyright.PENANAwNfzwthCVj
諸葛亮:「抱歉。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAq6QqekT6Gp
131Please respect copyright.PENANAEs1mY4iVWL
我:「不接受行不行?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAEaHxivNxIv
131Please respect copyright.PENANAXLgKAPPrZz
諸葛亮:「對不起。」131Please respect copyright.PENANA1TVaZtmmhD
131Please respect copyright.PENANAgc9csve7UT
……131Please respect copyright.PENANAMgJCZT3ccV
131Please respect copyright.PENANADVqFbsQW7x
諸葛亮毫不在乎我的感受,繼續抱怨:「還有啊,既然你是後世的人應該知道吧,那個娘砲劉備硬是要我去當他的軍師。我可是要當皇帝的人,所以我當然拒絕他──誰知道他身邊一群流氓,我不幫忙就拿刀要砍我,所以我只能四處躲躲藏藏,希望不要被他找到。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAvL7J4wZHMW
131Please respect copyright.PENANAAYaEbNliay
那我大概有三次被抓的機會。131Please respect copyright.PENANARbiPoM87Um
131Please respect copyright.PENANAtcEyDNEoY5
「對了,我已經被抓到兩次了,如果你再被抓到可能只有死路一條,自己小心一點。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAhceRb0kQ6P
131Please respect copyright.PENANABcGhu79BFY
去你妹的。131Please respect copyright.PENANAQh2m7EGafn
131Please respect copyright.PENANAJRPaCOx8Ho
我:「你去找別人好不好?如果你需要,我可以推薦幾個人給你。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAaGhf8r4Be8
131Please respect copyright.PENANAOvFNRSufmZ
那幾個向我借錢不還的、背後偷罵我的、賣黑心食品的、硬拆房子的、愛穿三角褲游泳的,我認為都是不錯的對象。131Please respect copyright.PENANAo43MvrfpyT
131Please respect copyright.PENANAv9uOdbIlWZ
不要問我穿三角褲游泳哪裡錯了。131Please respect copyright.PENANABCkuB7907n
131Please respect copyright.PENANA9m5QZkH9x1
但諸葛亮只是說:「你連自己的長相都忘了?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAf0BT06QuAT
131Please respect copyright.PENANAt4Ub7OHcsk
他說完,一面銅鏡浮現在我面前。131Please respect copyright.PENANAk5kIiKcyit
131Please respect copyright.PENANAmlNFpvkDdq
我一看,鏡子裡只有諸葛亮。131Please respect copyright.PENANAytvvCgdlEH
131Please respect copyright.PENANAkAb1F7z1EL
鏡子拿下,卻看到我自己。131Please respect copyright.PENANA1Kq9PnUVnN
131Please respect copyright.PENANANKCoYx1vRF
諸葛亮:「你就是我、我就是你,別人沒辦法代替我。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAqguqlkoBzR
131Please respect copyright.PENANAGHj3BJb6M3
我無話可說。131Please respect copyright.PENANAGhUXPEZ3yf
131Please respect copyright.PENANACV6roWnrKR
諸葛亮:「另外,大白天就在做白日夢的你,也算是異類了。」131Please respect copyright.PENANA0KgPPv7Shl
131Please respect copyright.PENANArrmbUxMG7t
我真的無話可說。131Please respect copyright.PENANAjaLI2VLQH0
131Please respect copyright.PENANAdEvJxgflOn
諸葛亮笑笑:「換個方向思考,跟我交換也不是只有壞處嘛。我這麼天才,你怎麼可能是個廢物?但我看你現在就是半個廢人,換個地方,看你能不能換個心情好好努力。」131Please respect copyright.PENANA7DkHhbzyqS
131Please respect copyright.PENANAaJbE6O5hnh
我:「那我會變成什麼樣子?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAuWNiXaIUB0
131Please respect copyright.PENANA21W5cWEsAn
諸葛亮:「就這樣,時間差不多了,有沒有問題想問的?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAhIjK3GAn8G
131Please respect copyright.PENANAEkbv8pzE5S
我剛才已經問了!131Please respect copyright.PENANA4dDcTI9UDe
131Please respect copyright.PENANAKmGyiZskrH
他根本就只有抱怨啊,從頭到尾都只有抱怨啊,說好要交代的事情呢?131Please respect copyright.PENANAtdTgMIc1h3
131Please respect copyright.PENANArq0HlZC8C0
我:「現在的我呢?會變成什麼樣子?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAeIInbskOjq
131Please respect copyright.PENANArRWkaaipaF
「我故意不想回答,你還是硬要問這個啊,真是沒有意義。」諸葛亮一臉我問錯問題的樣子。「算了,我就回答你吧。這個你大可以放心。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAalO833851I
131Please respect copyright.PENANAcPYgkALJJC
我:「放心?」131Please respect copyright.PENANA07c86M6pIF
131Please respect copyright.PENANA0pYWgMBV3Y
諸葛亮笑著:「我已經準備好另一個身體,並不會跟你調換。所有認識你的人都會忘了你,那個世界不會有關於你的存在。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAIgHJh7pXlk
131Please respect copyright.PENANAlmZwoJfgjg
我喉頭一澀。131Please respect copyright.PENANAvybmGMQLDI
131Please respect copyright.PENANABQxlPCfMAm
根本笑不出來。131Please respect copyright.PENANAafPwRdOv4j
131Please respect copyright.PENANA8v2w0S7vK3
但諸葛亮只管他的我行我素:「最後提醒你一件事。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAx3TtcDBFgq
131Please respect copyright.PENANAb3yj0JmmHw
那是一個頗有深意的笑容。131Please respect copyright.PENANA1sODoiyxDL
131Please respect copyright.PENANA93vlxUNcfA
「歷史是會騙人的。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAeNw0cD7uHC
131Please respect copyright.PENANATV9ryFBJ0W
我的視界陷入混沌當中。