現行大學教育體制下的犧牲品,完畢。
接著說故事。讓我為剛才冗長、不簡略、沒有重點、根本騙字數的自我介紹道歉,這裡我一言以蔽之。
一個小白臉靠老婆過活的日子,以上。
當然有人想問:「這有什麼好說的?」
我會這樣回答:「這小白臉很出名。」
他叫,諸葛亮孔明。
故事的開始有點模糊,因為我記得我人在宿舍,剛吃完一塊雞排、用可樂漱口,沒有刷牙就倒在床上睡著。附帶一提,時間是星期三早上八點,一整天的課大概都得翹掉。132Please respect copyright.PENANA9QATBH5EdZ
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不過那已經不重要了。132Please respect copyright.PENANAidQtYf7Bt8
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因為我醒來的時候,不,應該說我「在夢裡醒來的時候」,身處於一個莫名其妙的地方。132Please respect copyright.PENANAi6utONHW9y
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那是一個用竹子搭建起來的房間,裡面有一套桌椅、一個衣櫃、一張床,必須用複數形容的只有凌亂四散的書籍,數量之多幾乎要淹沒整個房間。房間窗戶是打開的,透過窗戶往外看,是一大片的青竹林。132Please respect copyright.PENANAi1blVUV3SL
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風一吹,竹葉的稀疏摩擦聲如海浪般一波未平一波又起。132Please respect copyright.PENANANKTtSh3qKj
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風又吹,吹散了一個人的長髮。132Please respect copyright.PENANAVsWbdXUrIA
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那個人坐在一張涼蓆上。他的皮膚是一種接近病態的蒼白、黑色長髮凌亂分岔披散在肩膀,他身上只有一件青布衣用腰帶寬鬆地繫住,更顯得過瘦的身軀弱不禁風。132Please respect copyright.PENANAbMHouNS8h0
132Please respect copyright.PENANAmCIkbEmsKv
我想看清對方的面目,無奈那人素白的右手上拿著書,遮住了臉面。132Please respect copyright.PENANAfz8PGcvHXA
132Please respect copyright.PENANAGLhqyBZTGb
似男類女,撲朔迷離。132Please respect copyright.PENANAkgo2oRn5Vm
132Please respect copyright.PENANAt4PansGa5B
我坐起,無法理解眼前情形。132Please respect copyright.PENANAbmZAbS7E0O
132Please respect copyright.PENANA4YJmlQXXW2
甩甩頭,卻什麼都沒有改變。132Please respect copyright.PENANAQKpK8oxyAi
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那個人注意到我醒了,放下書、抬起頭,開口:「早安。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAfB7XOhJAik
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我這時才看清楚對方的真面目。那是一張十分精緻漂亮的臉龐,膚白若雪、峨嵋皓齒,細柳般的髮絲垂下,一雙黑色的眼眸藏在若隱若現中。132Please respect copyright.PENANAkCBN789Cff
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我幾乎以為那是個女人,但對方不讓我這麼想。132Please respect copyright.PENANAJKDjCL5b93
132Please respect copyright.PENANA7OjCjtakE5
他開口:「在下複姓諸葛,名亮,字孔明。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAUl9o0m3346
132Please respect copyright.PENANAqRC6EYrg3t
我活在一個被三國演義淹沒的時代,電視劇、電影、遊戲、漫畫、小說,四處可見三國人物的名號,就算沒有特別研究,也不可能不知道這個名字。132Please respect copyright.PENANA9UsUNhy4oM
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甚至可以說,聽到有點膩了。132Please respect copyright.PENANA8gGButBgOb
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人會對未知感到迷惑、對迷惑感到恐懼。132Please respect copyright.PENANABmXWYUhbPG
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這時我只想笑。132Please respect copyright.PENANA02iqzBZ8rN
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我:「這什麼整人節目?真是大手筆。」132Please respect copyright.PENANARnNo5hGgWF
132Please respect copyright.PENANA7klMQIx4o6
那自稱諸葛亮的人──我就暫且叫他諸葛亮──放下書,起身走到我面前,饒有興趣地問:「整人節目?那是什麼?」132Please respect copyright.PENANAj3X9POQOki
132Please respect copyright.PENANA2aLOmwVJU3
我沒興趣跟他玩了,直接說:「換下一個人吧,我要走了。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAmVidIZpmRo
132Please respect copyright.PENANAVfbTlrhmX6
諸葛亮點點頭,伸手比向旁邊的竹門:「請便。」132Please respect copyright.PENANA1E41sSfnJW
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我走下床、打開門、走出去……132Please respect copyright.PENANA9vdwR8Icts
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停住。132Please respect copyright.PENANAwF2so1HvI0
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如果我沒看錯,眼前是藍天白雲、房子底下空空如也。132Please respect copyright.PENANAbXgdpkaYdO
132Please respect copyright.PENANAuzKUGl5k0r
刺骨的寒風一吹,攪得我心頭一涼。132Please respect copyright.PENANAaM5zh12YsX
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我面無表情關上門,回頭。132Please respect copyright.PENANA2JmtN97W4t
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諸葛亮好整以暇坐在床上,開口:「這是模擬我住的地方想像出來的空間。如果你想要,說說看喜歡什麼樣的地方,我都能換給你。順便一提,想要冷、熱、痛甚至是奇癢,我都能你體會到。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAq7fo9SbefD
132Please respect copyright.PENANAg6ipnHJJ8o
諸葛亮冷笑:「不管你想不想要。」132Please respect copyright.PENANATQr67WEmbK
132Please respect copyright.PENANAUVx4WHnU7G
文言文我大致上都聽得懂,感謝我的國文老師。132Please respect copyright.PENANABwV6KriUH7
132Please respect copyright.PENANANztHeiaMau
太長的、比較難的,我就當場自己翻譯成白話文,這樣我比較好懂、大家也比較好懂──不要再跟我討論什麼古代人怎麼會說白話文的問題。132Please respect copyright.PENANAwAHvpwPaPh
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但我還是聽不懂諸葛亮想表達什麼。132Please respect copyright.PENANADxbNby5s2N
132Please respect copyright.PENANAJuoZqy50U3
諸葛亮也不管我是不是理解了,自顧自開口:「聽你說話的方式,應該是生活在我的後世而非前世,真想跟你聊一聊以後的世界。可惜我們的時間不夠,有些事情該交代的,道義上我還是要向你交代一下。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAKgvBNNMTsL
132Please respect copyright.PENANATMJC8LDqwP
我沒有理他,走到窗戶旁邊,探出頭。132Please respect copyright.PENANA2L0JhHE6DH
132Please respect copyright.PENANAXOG2ebp99n
竹林消失,又是一片藍天白雲。132Please respect copyright.PENANAemHs31PRmg
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怎麼辦?我只好祈禱。132Please respect copyright.PENANAzPfvAQ8e4O
132Please respect copyright.PENANAPhTfgMjsYk
萬能的天神啊,我知道錯了,我不該沒刷牙就睡覺。我以後一定會當一個乖寶寶的,如果這是夢,請快點讓我醒來吧。132Please respect copyright.PENANA9VFcNoXkpq
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然後我在自己臉上打了熱騰騰的一巴掌。132Please respect copyright.PENANAQeoFtzY4j5
132Please respect copyright.PENANACotdTgBAEV
痛死我,不信也得信了。132Please respect copyright.PENANAUuEHco0BaK
132Please respect copyright.PENANAbZEuvKAwde
「後悔也來不及了、祈禱也沒有用的,這個世界沒有神。」諸葛亮好像看穿我在想什麼。「好好談談吧,對你不會有壞處的。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAJXKQgkoUis
132Please respect copyright.PENANAgNgRE8Tmx4
我:「這是什麼情況?」132Please respect copyright.PENANAt7qwPTTUNW
132Please respect copyright.PENANAHl8XyHHeKG
這比醒來的時候發現自己被關在密室腳上被綁著鐵鍊旁邊還只有一把生鏽的鋸子逼你把腿鋸掉還要扯的到底是什麼情況?132Please respect copyright.PENANAwnqR4qdkYh
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我絕對沒有打錯字。132Please respect copyright.PENANA183zvx0qXC
132Please respect copyright.PENANAYhO8ggbNQV
諸葛亮:「這裡是我設下的幻魂陣,能讓精神脫離肉體,直接進行交流。不過我不是要和你交流什麼,而是想讓你代替我。」132Please respect copyright.PENANARhRYRGsq9B
132Please respect copyright.PENANAkfrK1W0Yem
我:「代替?」132Please respect copyright.PENANA8ab3GZ8kQD
132Please respect copyright.PENANAcrUTApQBKe
諸葛亮:「就是讓你變成我。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAak0pnPaVs3
132Please respect copyright.PENANABBrgo90icJ
我:「為什麼?」132Please respect copyright.PENANAzC7mSWvvBZ
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諸葛亮:「這說來話長。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAryEgNFUlrM
132Please respect copyright.PENANAmgGqZjd8Er
我:「那不要說好了。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAq8RaWkkzMP
132Please respect copyright.PENANABHgUD92Xbl
諸葛亮:「但我還是想說一下。這得從我的志向開始說起。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAXwEWOkIdHz
132Please respect copyright.PENANASp5eMh8ZgF
「什麼志向?」我隨口問。你想當第一任臨時大總統之類的嗎?132Please respect copyright.PENANAPqPmNQWsgN
132Please respect copyright.PENANAMLOPKEpmuC
諸葛亮:「第一,就是當皇帝。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAgu4kfAs02t
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也差不多意思。132Please respect copyright.PENANAuPLrcDUfzs
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諸葛亮:「第二,就是把我喜歡的美女通通收入後宮。如果可以直接完成第二項,那第一項不用完成其實沒關係。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAGH1h6oCh4s
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真是遠大的志向啊,佩服佩服。你個死色胚。132Please respect copyright.PENANAl2W9ZhCxO9
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諸葛亮嘆了口氣:「唉,但我不小心犯了一個錯。為了完成我的遠大志向,我想要那老頭──一個叫黃承彥的老頭,我想要他的『四象八卦圖』,誰知道他只送不賣,說是要拿來當他女兒的嫁妝。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAd50pDnRXkd
132Please respect copyright.PENANAHRmaLRoW0A
好個有商業頭腦的老頭。132Please respect copyright.PENANAPhVnuSoRxu
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我:「這算什麼錯?」132Please respect copyright.PENANA9JMnddw6Rn
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諸葛亮:「別急,我還沒說完。我問他:『汝女之容如何?』他回答我:『沉魚落雁、閉月羞花,汝見之,必驚為天人。』我考慮了一下,既可以拿到我想要的東西、還順便賺一個美女當老婆,這麼划算的事情不答應簡直是白癡,所以我就答應了。」132Please respect copyright.PENANA2tjkfF90DN
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我:「這樣很好啊。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAeDvUv4B1Sj
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諸葛亮面無表情用最快的速度說:「魚跟鳥都會被她嚇死,月跟花都不敢看她,我看到她,差點升天去見祖先。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAZT16cxLacf
132Please respect copyright.PENANAgZDZp2B830
……132Please respect copyright.PENANA42m8O2AaE7
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諸葛亮:「我後來私下探訪,才知道黃老頭的女兒根本是個滯銷品。她醜得用豬形容都侮辱豬,而且還不只是醜、醜我還可以接受,重點是她的個性又很差,差得用老母形容都侮辱老母啊。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAwkU28F8KHr
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你老母的個性到底是多差才會被你拿來這樣比喻啊!132Please respect copyright.PENANABXwNLfID2U
132Please respect copyright.PENANAFEPRz7chw7
諸葛亮:「我當然反悔了,但又不想把東西還給黃老頭,所以想賴帳。但黃老頭找了一群人來對付我,我打不贏又逃不掉,只好去找我師傅幫忙。但你知道我師傅跟我說什麼嗎?」132Please respect copyright.PENANA3i6OXcP7oN
132Please respect copyright.PENANAXcpKcJg2NW
我:「什麼?」132Please respect copyright.PENANA6yRUDY39rE
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諸葛亮:「他說:『這是你的報應。』」132Please respect copyright.PENANAL16z8Klqrh
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是報應沒有錯啊。132Please respect copyright.PENANAQ2XpuNu9aa
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不過,這到底哪門子因果報應劇場的劇情?你是諸葛亮耶,怎麼抱怨起來簡直像是菜市場的歐巴桑在抱怨一樣又臭又長?你知道你說話的長度觀眾看了會煩嗎?你知道你說話的方式像是我把我心裡的對白全部講出來一樣誇張嗎?說好的長話短說呢?132Please respect copyright.PENANAGLIDWPX6OO
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重點是。132Please respect copyright.PENANA1uTQnzWlKV
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怪我嘍?132Please respect copyright.PENANAiw749kdVAB
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我:「那是你自己搞出來的事,不要牽拖到我身上吧?」132Please respect copyright.PENANAZu4jrc2KU2
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諸葛亮:「抱歉。」132Please respect copyright.PENANA5Gs4Z08nyK
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我:「不接受行不行?」132Please respect copyright.PENANACdbcAJsv44
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諸葛亮:「對不起。」132Please respect copyright.PENANA7phyzZbfbR
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……132Please respect copyright.PENANAdUWvX7I7Be
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諸葛亮毫不在乎我的感受,繼續抱怨:「還有啊,既然你是後世的人應該知道吧,那個娘砲劉備硬是要我去當他的軍師。我可是要當皇帝的人,所以我當然拒絕他──誰知道他身邊一群流氓,我不幫忙就拿刀要砍我,所以我只能四處躲躲藏藏,希望不要被他找到。」132Please respect copyright.PENANA52vlb7vycB
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那我大概有三次被抓的機會。132Please respect copyright.PENANAlu88LFK3ph
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「對了,我已經被抓到兩次了,如果你再被抓到可能只有死路一條,自己小心一點。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAsS2SkyBnsd
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去你妹的。132Please respect copyright.PENANAdFXqBcNZLA
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我:「你去找別人好不好?如果你需要,我可以推薦幾個人給你。」132Please respect copyright.PENANApHHgf8Cpg4
132Please respect copyright.PENANA8gYfpEj0aH
那幾個向我借錢不還的、背後偷罵我的、賣黑心食品的、硬拆房子的、愛穿三角褲游泳的,我認為都是不錯的對象。132Please respect copyright.PENANA48dxTqUwML
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不要問我穿三角褲游泳哪裡錯了。132Please respect copyright.PENANAxIblA7gXuV
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但諸葛亮只是說:「你連自己的長相都忘了?」132Please respect copyright.PENANAX48mj31WEA
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他說完,一面銅鏡浮現在我面前。132Please respect copyright.PENANA6qmHsKPFit
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我一看,鏡子裡只有諸葛亮。132Please respect copyright.PENANAvtoRzMRkDZ
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鏡子拿下,卻看到我自己。132Please respect copyright.PENANAZ5F3kNt6AM
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諸葛亮:「你就是我、我就是你,別人沒辦法代替我。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAvvQ0wTvDOn
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我無話可說。132Please respect copyright.PENANAW1CA94Enp8
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諸葛亮:「另外,大白天就在做白日夢的你,也算是異類了。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAbL5OHLy05m
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我真的無話可說。132Please respect copyright.PENANA0w0I8DPMiq
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諸葛亮笑笑:「換個方向思考,跟我交換也不是只有壞處嘛。我這麼天才,你怎麼可能是個廢物?但我看你現在就是半個廢人,換個地方,看你能不能換個心情好好努力。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAM4WKsExRCS
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我:「那我會變成什麼樣子?」132Please respect copyright.PENANATkaQY9ZXF2
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諸葛亮:「就這樣,時間差不多了,有沒有問題想問的?」132Please respect copyright.PENANA80sY4oRNeq
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我剛才已經問了!132Please respect copyright.PENANAc2gp7IICJF
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他根本就只有抱怨啊,從頭到尾都只有抱怨啊,說好要交代的事情呢?132Please respect copyright.PENANACWMLASSLlu
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我:「現在的我呢?會變成什麼樣子?」132Please respect copyright.PENANAPW6Yeth0RS
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「我故意不想回答,你還是硬要問這個啊,真是沒有意義。」諸葛亮一臉我問錯問題的樣子。「算了,我就回答你吧。這個你大可以放心。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAIWMwKqJ7TR
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我:「放心?」132Please respect copyright.PENANAjpPiMlYWvU
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諸葛亮笑著:「我已經準備好另一個身體,並不會跟你調換。所有認識你的人都會忘了你,那個世界不會有關於你的存在。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAYdHMv30MkV
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我喉頭一澀。132Please respect copyright.PENANAp9QHBLKzGi
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根本笑不出來。132Please respect copyright.PENANAeqHasUioPv
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但諸葛亮只管他的我行我素:「最後提醒你一件事。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAnd2AvHKhKC
132Please respect copyright.PENANAy5n7U4xl1j
那是一個頗有深意的笑容。132Please respect copyright.PENANAbx8ltQdJxK
132Please respect copyright.PENANAhzrpgauxIg
「歷史是會騙人的。」132Please respect copyright.PENANA3hAU2HASNg
132Please respect copyright.PENANAFzKvtny35l
我的視界陷入混沌當中。
ns216.73.216.190da2 132Please respect copyright.PENANA553aRCGMqU
不過那已經不重要了。132Please respect copyright.PENANAidQtYf7Bt8
132Please respect copyright.PENANAwkArevOZMW
因為我醒來的時候,不,應該說我「在夢裡醒來的時候」,身處於一個莫名其妙的地方。132Please respect copyright.PENANAi6utONHW9y
132Please respect copyright.PENANAIo84JdqWBg
那是一個用竹子搭建起來的房間,裡面有一套桌椅、一個衣櫃、一張床,必須用複數形容的只有凌亂四散的書籍,數量之多幾乎要淹沒整個房間。房間窗戶是打開的,透過窗戶往外看,是一大片的青竹林。132Please respect copyright.PENANAi1blVUV3SL
132Please respect copyright.PENANAxmn3ScN6uO
風一吹,竹葉的稀疏摩擦聲如海浪般一波未平一波又起。132Please respect copyright.PENANANKTtSh3qKj
132Please respect copyright.PENANAffaLlCU3Hw
風又吹,吹散了一個人的長髮。132Please respect copyright.PENANAVsWbdXUrIA
132Please respect copyright.PENANAy6t9QJfp1M
那個人坐在一張涼蓆上。他的皮膚是一種接近病態的蒼白、黑色長髮凌亂分岔披散在肩膀,他身上只有一件青布衣用腰帶寬鬆地繫住,更顯得過瘦的身軀弱不禁風。132Please respect copyright.PENANAbMHouNS8h0
132Please respect copyright.PENANAmCIkbEmsKv
我想看清對方的面目,無奈那人素白的右手上拿著書,遮住了臉面。132Please respect copyright.PENANAfz8PGcvHXA
132Please respect copyright.PENANAGLhqyBZTGb
似男類女,撲朔迷離。132Please respect copyright.PENANAkgo2oRn5Vm
132Please respect copyright.PENANAt4PansGa5B
我坐起,無法理解眼前情形。132Please respect copyright.PENANAbmZAbS7E0O
132Please respect copyright.PENANA4YJmlQXXW2
甩甩頭,卻什麼都沒有改變。132Please respect copyright.PENANAQKpK8oxyAi
132Please respect copyright.PENANALXCloBcf1y
那個人注意到我醒了,放下書、抬起頭,開口:「早安。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAfB7XOhJAik
132Please respect copyright.PENANAwYNk5a9MRu
我這時才看清楚對方的真面目。那是一張十分精緻漂亮的臉龐,膚白若雪、峨嵋皓齒,細柳般的髮絲垂下,一雙黑色的眼眸藏在若隱若現中。132Please respect copyright.PENANAkCBN789Cff
132Please respect copyright.PENANAg7f4qxqfAR
我幾乎以為那是個女人,但對方不讓我這麼想。132Please respect copyright.PENANAJKDjCL5b93
132Please respect copyright.PENANA7OjCjtakE5
他開口:「在下複姓諸葛,名亮,字孔明。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAUl9o0m3346
132Please respect copyright.PENANAqRC6EYrg3t
我活在一個被三國演義淹沒的時代,電視劇、電影、遊戲、漫畫、小說,四處可見三國人物的名號,就算沒有特別研究,也不可能不知道這個名字。132Please respect copyright.PENANA9UsUNhy4oM
132Please respect copyright.PENANAAPUA8Jh3eh
甚至可以說,聽到有點膩了。132Please respect copyright.PENANA8gGButBgOb
132Please respect copyright.PENANASea8bCZr9M
人會對未知感到迷惑、對迷惑感到恐懼。132Please respect copyright.PENANABmXWYUhbPG
132Please respect copyright.PENANAo6nLl9O3K4
這時我只想笑。132Please respect copyright.PENANA02iqzBZ8rN
132Please respect copyright.PENANA8NgaYGn3MT
我:「這什麼整人節目?真是大手筆。」132Please respect copyright.PENANARnNo5hGgWF
132Please respect copyright.PENANA7klMQIx4o6
那自稱諸葛亮的人──我就暫且叫他諸葛亮──放下書,起身走到我面前,饒有興趣地問:「整人節目?那是什麼?」132Please respect copyright.PENANAj3X9POQOki
132Please respect copyright.PENANA2aLOmwVJU3
我沒興趣跟他玩了,直接說:「換下一個人吧,我要走了。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAmVidIZpmRo
132Please respect copyright.PENANAVfbTlrhmX6
諸葛亮點點頭,伸手比向旁邊的竹門:「請便。」132Please respect copyright.PENANA1E41sSfnJW
132Please respect copyright.PENANAAjdnwc3fvL
我走下床、打開門、走出去……132Please respect copyright.PENANA9vdwR8Icts
132Please respect copyright.PENANAcwGtpt5FFw
停住。132Please respect copyright.PENANAwF2so1HvI0
132Please respect copyright.PENANApsckgyClcn
如果我沒看錯,眼前是藍天白雲、房子底下空空如也。132Please respect copyright.PENANAbXgdpkaYdO
132Please respect copyright.PENANAuzKUGl5k0r
刺骨的寒風一吹,攪得我心頭一涼。132Please respect copyright.PENANAaM5zh12YsX
132Please respect copyright.PENANAUmXFFJlHUm
我面無表情關上門,回頭。132Please respect copyright.PENANA2JmtN97W4t
132Please respect copyright.PENANA1ApjJ5NxNm
諸葛亮好整以暇坐在床上,開口:「這是模擬我住的地方想像出來的空間。如果你想要,說說看喜歡什麼樣的地方,我都能換給你。順便一提,想要冷、熱、痛甚至是奇癢,我都能你體會到。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAq7fo9SbefD
132Please respect copyright.PENANAg6ipnHJJ8o
諸葛亮冷笑:「不管你想不想要。」132Please respect copyright.PENANATQr67WEmbK
132Please respect copyright.PENANAUVx4WHnU7G
文言文我大致上都聽得懂,感謝我的國文老師。132Please respect copyright.PENANABwV6KriUH7
132Please respect copyright.PENANANztHeiaMau
太長的、比較難的,我就當場自己翻譯成白話文,這樣我比較好懂、大家也比較好懂──不要再跟我討論什麼古代人怎麼會說白話文的問題。132Please respect copyright.PENANAwAHvpwPaPh
132Please respect copyright.PENANA30wM6i01uO
但我還是聽不懂諸葛亮想表達什麼。132Please respect copyright.PENANADxbNby5s2N
132Please respect copyright.PENANAJuoZqy50U3
諸葛亮也不管我是不是理解了,自顧自開口:「聽你說話的方式,應該是生活在我的後世而非前世,真想跟你聊一聊以後的世界。可惜我們的時間不夠,有些事情該交代的,道義上我還是要向你交代一下。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAKgvBNNMTsL
132Please respect copyright.PENANATMJC8LDqwP
我沒有理他,走到窗戶旁邊,探出頭。132Please respect copyright.PENANA2L0JhHE6DH
132Please respect copyright.PENANAXOG2ebp99n
竹林消失,又是一片藍天白雲。132Please respect copyright.PENANAemHs31PRmg
132Please respect copyright.PENANAR8KFLl7UTv
怎麼辦?我只好祈禱。132Please respect copyright.PENANAzPfvAQ8e4O
132Please respect copyright.PENANAPhTfgMjsYk
萬能的天神啊,我知道錯了,我不該沒刷牙就睡覺。我以後一定會當一個乖寶寶的,如果這是夢,請快點讓我醒來吧。132Please respect copyright.PENANA9VFcNoXkpq
132Please respect copyright.PENANAY0eBISuzye
然後我在自己臉上打了熱騰騰的一巴掌。132Please respect copyright.PENANAQeoFtzY4j5
132Please respect copyright.PENANACotdTgBAEV
痛死我,不信也得信了。132Please respect copyright.PENANAUuEHco0BaK
132Please respect copyright.PENANAbZEuvKAwde
「後悔也來不及了、祈禱也沒有用的,這個世界沒有神。」諸葛亮好像看穿我在想什麼。「好好談談吧,對你不會有壞處的。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAJXKQgkoUis
132Please respect copyright.PENANAgNgRE8Tmx4
我:「這是什麼情況?」132Please respect copyright.PENANAt7qwPTTUNW
132Please respect copyright.PENANAHl8XyHHeKG
這比醒來的時候發現自己被關在密室腳上被綁著鐵鍊旁邊還只有一把生鏽的鋸子逼你把腿鋸掉還要扯的到底是什麼情況?132Please respect copyright.PENANAwnqR4qdkYh
132Please respect copyright.PENANAMDAG8m5fLa
我絕對沒有打錯字。132Please respect copyright.PENANA183zvx0qXC
132Please respect copyright.PENANAYhO8ggbNQV
諸葛亮:「這裡是我設下的幻魂陣,能讓精神脫離肉體,直接進行交流。不過我不是要和你交流什麼,而是想讓你代替我。」132Please respect copyright.PENANARhRYRGsq9B
132Please respect copyright.PENANAkfrK1W0Yem
我:「代替?」132Please respect copyright.PENANA8ab3GZ8kQD
132Please respect copyright.PENANAcrUTApQBKe
諸葛亮:「就是讓你變成我。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAak0pnPaVs3
132Please respect copyright.PENANABBrgo90icJ
我:「為什麼?」132Please respect copyright.PENANAzC7mSWvvBZ
132Please respect copyright.PENANA4m1MvPcfbC
諸葛亮:「這說來話長。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAryEgNFUlrM
132Please respect copyright.PENANAmgGqZjd8Er
我:「那不要說好了。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAq8RaWkkzMP
132Please respect copyright.PENANABHgUD92Xbl
諸葛亮:「但我還是想說一下。這得從我的志向開始說起。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAXwEWOkIdHz
132Please respect copyright.PENANASp5eMh8ZgF
「什麼志向?」我隨口問。你想當第一任臨時大總統之類的嗎?132Please respect copyright.PENANAPqPmNQWsgN
132Please respect copyright.PENANAMLOPKEpmuC
諸葛亮:「第一,就是當皇帝。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAgu4kfAs02t
132Please respect copyright.PENANA08cqpJSgjR
也差不多意思。132Please respect copyright.PENANAuPLrcDUfzs
132Please respect copyright.PENANAZiRtJ4MlEl
諸葛亮:「第二,就是把我喜歡的美女通通收入後宮。如果可以直接完成第二項,那第一項不用完成其實沒關係。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAGH1h6oCh4s
132Please respect copyright.PENANA6PIbdEMGcc
真是遠大的志向啊,佩服佩服。你個死色胚。132Please respect copyright.PENANAl2W9ZhCxO9
132Please respect copyright.PENANAgfZl3Bl9PY
諸葛亮嘆了口氣:「唉,但我不小心犯了一個錯。為了完成我的遠大志向,我想要那老頭──一個叫黃承彥的老頭,我想要他的『四象八卦圖』,誰知道他只送不賣,說是要拿來當他女兒的嫁妝。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAd50pDnRXkd
132Please respect copyright.PENANAHRmaLRoW0A
好個有商業頭腦的老頭。132Please respect copyright.PENANAPhVnuSoRxu
132Please respect copyright.PENANAzZ3RQ1YwMT
我:「這算什麼錯?」132Please respect copyright.PENANA9JMnddw6Rn
132Please respect copyright.PENANAPtPBFafjo6
諸葛亮:「別急,我還沒說完。我問他:『汝女之容如何?』他回答我:『沉魚落雁、閉月羞花,汝見之,必驚為天人。』我考慮了一下,既可以拿到我想要的東西、還順便賺一個美女當老婆,這麼划算的事情不答應簡直是白癡,所以我就答應了。」132Please respect copyright.PENANA2tjkfF90DN
132Please respect copyright.PENANAaiR7oXlIyr
我:「這樣很好啊。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAeDvUv4B1Sj
132Please respect copyright.PENANA9DjyV8sSSW
諸葛亮面無表情用最快的速度說:「魚跟鳥都會被她嚇死,月跟花都不敢看她,我看到她,差點升天去見祖先。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAZT16cxLacf
132Please respect copyright.PENANAgZDZp2B830
……132Please respect copyright.PENANA42m8O2AaE7
132Please respect copyright.PENANA6BzxLueirV
諸葛亮:「我後來私下探訪,才知道黃老頭的女兒根本是個滯銷品。她醜得用豬形容都侮辱豬,而且還不只是醜、醜我還可以接受,重點是她的個性又很差,差得用老母形容都侮辱老母啊。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAwkU28F8KHr
132Please respect copyright.PENANA9U88GSrJvw
你老母的個性到底是多差才會被你拿來這樣比喻啊!132Please respect copyright.PENANABXwNLfID2U
132Please respect copyright.PENANAFEPRz7chw7
諸葛亮:「我當然反悔了,但又不想把東西還給黃老頭,所以想賴帳。但黃老頭找了一群人來對付我,我打不贏又逃不掉,只好去找我師傅幫忙。但你知道我師傅跟我說什麼嗎?」132Please respect copyright.PENANA3i6OXcP7oN
132Please respect copyright.PENANAXcpKcJg2NW
我:「什麼?」132Please respect copyright.PENANA6yRUDY39rE
132Please respect copyright.PENANAGMklLubiuh
諸葛亮:「他說:『這是你的報應。』」132Please respect copyright.PENANAL16z8Klqrh
132Please respect copyright.PENANAwGk0djSVFQ
是報應沒有錯啊。132Please respect copyright.PENANAQ2XpuNu9aa
132Please respect copyright.PENANAOuFh3AXIVJ
不過,這到底哪門子因果報應劇場的劇情?你是諸葛亮耶,怎麼抱怨起來簡直像是菜市場的歐巴桑在抱怨一樣又臭又長?你知道你說話的長度觀眾看了會煩嗎?你知道你說話的方式像是我把我心裡的對白全部講出來一樣誇張嗎?說好的長話短說呢?132Please respect copyright.PENANAGLIDWPX6OO
132Please respect copyright.PENANA2uhXmEb71W
重點是。132Please respect copyright.PENANA1uTQnzWlKV
132Please respect copyright.PENANAtPXZANVS9C
怪我嘍?132Please respect copyright.PENANAiw749kdVAB
132Please respect copyright.PENANAWH8LD3naTx
我:「那是你自己搞出來的事,不要牽拖到我身上吧?」132Please respect copyright.PENANAZu4jrc2KU2
132Please respect copyright.PENANAjmsRzwz4EP
諸葛亮:「抱歉。」132Please respect copyright.PENANA5Gs4Z08nyK
132Please respect copyright.PENANA3kF1hd43SZ
我:「不接受行不行?」132Please respect copyright.PENANACdbcAJsv44
132Please respect copyright.PENANA6Y7UT2j6kE
諸葛亮:「對不起。」132Please respect copyright.PENANA7phyzZbfbR
132Please respect copyright.PENANA4wqfxWNDiF
……132Please respect copyright.PENANAdUWvX7I7Be
132Please respect copyright.PENANAxHgS8Pl0RY
諸葛亮毫不在乎我的感受,繼續抱怨:「還有啊,既然你是後世的人應該知道吧,那個娘砲劉備硬是要我去當他的軍師。我可是要當皇帝的人,所以我當然拒絕他──誰知道他身邊一群流氓,我不幫忙就拿刀要砍我,所以我只能四處躲躲藏藏,希望不要被他找到。」132Please respect copyright.PENANA52vlb7vycB
132Please respect copyright.PENANAfrhjyO7sOM
那我大概有三次被抓的機會。132Please respect copyright.PENANAlu88LFK3ph
132Please respect copyright.PENANAkgWFEHb8X8
「對了,我已經被抓到兩次了,如果你再被抓到可能只有死路一條,自己小心一點。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAsS2SkyBnsd
132Please respect copyright.PENANAQcMmwZIqcC
去你妹的。132Please respect copyright.PENANAdFXqBcNZLA
132Please respect copyright.PENANA1dJ2TrhTyt
我:「你去找別人好不好?如果你需要,我可以推薦幾個人給你。」132Please respect copyright.PENANApHHgf8Cpg4
132Please respect copyright.PENANA8gYfpEj0aH
那幾個向我借錢不還的、背後偷罵我的、賣黑心食品的、硬拆房子的、愛穿三角褲游泳的,我認為都是不錯的對象。132Please respect copyright.PENANA48dxTqUwML
132Please respect copyright.PENANAGc74GZfggT
不要問我穿三角褲游泳哪裡錯了。132Please respect copyright.PENANAxIblA7gXuV
132Please respect copyright.PENANABChoT9tOeX
但諸葛亮只是說:「你連自己的長相都忘了?」132Please respect copyright.PENANAX48mj31WEA
132Please respect copyright.PENANAzbF1mMINqP
他說完,一面銅鏡浮現在我面前。132Please respect copyright.PENANA6qmHsKPFit
132Please respect copyright.PENANADF3Ay1BmZE
我一看,鏡子裡只有諸葛亮。132Please respect copyright.PENANAvtoRzMRkDZ
132Please respect copyright.PENANA5PVdeVhiTL
鏡子拿下,卻看到我自己。132Please respect copyright.PENANAZ5F3kNt6AM
132Please respect copyright.PENANADkXYDsdX7s
諸葛亮:「你就是我、我就是你,別人沒辦法代替我。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAvvQ0wTvDOn
132Please respect copyright.PENANAvEAOLWm0Gh
我無話可說。132Please respect copyright.PENANAW1CA94Enp8
132Please respect copyright.PENANApWnJtGroZg
諸葛亮:「另外,大白天就在做白日夢的你,也算是異類了。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAbL5OHLy05m
132Please respect copyright.PENANAlWuCRCKg0y
我真的無話可說。132Please respect copyright.PENANA0w0I8DPMiq
132Please respect copyright.PENANAzscIbWpcUr
諸葛亮笑笑:「換個方向思考,跟我交換也不是只有壞處嘛。我這麼天才,你怎麼可能是個廢物?但我看你現在就是半個廢人,換個地方,看你能不能換個心情好好努力。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAM4WKsExRCS
132Please respect copyright.PENANARA0NeWa0MI
我:「那我會變成什麼樣子?」132Please respect copyright.PENANATkaQY9ZXF2
132Please respect copyright.PENANAJpBpdYBpLw
諸葛亮:「就這樣,時間差不多了,有沒有問題想問的?」132Please respect copyright.PENANA80sY4oRNeq
132Please respect copyright.PENANAa1Jw95yteo
我剛才已經問了!132Please respect copyright.PENANAc2gp7IICJF
132Please respect copyright.PENANA7I54oWHhDu
他根本就只有抱怨啊,從頭到尾都只有抱怨啊,說好要交代的事情呢?132Please respect copyright.PENANACWMLASSLlu
132Please respect copyright.PENANA1ps15ToERx
我:「現在的我呢?會變成什麼樣子?」132Please respect copyright.PENANAPW6Yeth0RS
132Please respect copyright.PENANApQny5mX8VJ
「我故意不想回答,你還是硬要問這個啊,真是沒有意義。」諸葛亮一臉我問錯問題的樣子。「算了,我就回答你吧。這個你大可以放心。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAIWMwKqJ7TR
132Please respect copyright.PENANAAkErhcDQr3
我:「放心?」132Please respect copyright.PENANAjpPiMlYWvU
132Please respect copyright.PENANAMpDXngP6gL
諸葛亮笑著:「我已經準備好另一個身體,並不會跟你調換。所有認識你的人都會忘了你,那個世界不會有關於你的存在。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAYdHMv30MkV
132Please respect copyright.PENANAAMqfTbjjsS
我喉頭一澀。132Please respect copyright.PENANAp9QHBLKzGi
132Please respect copyright.PENANAqqwmcTAKyG
根本笑不出來。132Please respect copyright.PENANAeqHasUioPv
132Please respect copyright.PENANAis69Vw1Nni
但諸葛亮只管他的我行我素:「最後提醒你一件事。」132Please respect copyright.PENANAnd2AvHKhKC
132Please respect copyright.PENANAy5n7U4xl1j
那是一個頗有深意的笑容。132Please respect copyright.PENANAbx8ltQdJxK
132Please respect copyright.PENANAhzrpgauxIg
「歷史是會騙人的。」132Please respect copyright.PENANA3hAU2HASNg
132Please respect copyright.PENANAFzKvtny35l
我的視界陷入混沌當中。