現行大學教育體制下的犧牲品,完畢。
接著說故事。讓我為剛才冗長、不簡略、沒有重點、根本騙字數的自我介紹道歉,這裡我一言以蔽之。
一個小白臉靠老婆過活的日子,以上。
當然有人想問:「這有什麼好說的?」
我會這樣回答:「這小白臉很出名。」
他叫,諸葛亮孔明。
故事的開始有點模糊,因為我記得我人在宿舍,剛吃完一塊雞排、用可樂漱口,沒有刷牙就倒在床上睡著。附帶一提,時間是星期三早上八點,一整天的課大概都得翹掉。121Please respect copyright.PENANAa1kWz4Q85v
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不過那已經不重要了。121Please respect copyright.PENANApmpgJPaFEM
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因為我醒來的時候,不,應該說我「在夢裡醒來的時候」,身處於一個莫名其妙的地方。121Please respect copyright.PENANAdt0ao94kIc
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那是一個用竹子搭建起來的房間,裡面有一套桌椅、一個衣櫃、一張床,必須用複數形容的只有凌亂四散的書籍,數量之多幾乎要淹沒整個房間。房間窗戶是打開的,透過窗戶往外看,是一大片的青竹林。121Please respect copyright.PENANA9ObvGsscuk
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風一吹,竹葉的稀疏摩擦聲如海浪般一波未平一波又起。121Please respect copyright.PENANAI0Ecr1P748
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風又吹,吹散了一個人的長髮。121Please respect copyright.PENANAaEiYa3HdCk
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那個人坐在一張涼蓆上。他的皮膚是一種接近病態的蒼白、黑色長髮凌亂分岔披散在肩膀,他身上只有一件青布衣用腰帶寬鬆地繫住,更顯得過瘦的身軀弱不禁風。121Please respect copyright.PENANAtsHSAsjBVf
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我想看清對方的面目,無奈那人素白的右手上拿著書,遮住了臉面。121Please respect copyright.PENANAZwSUdY6Cku
121Please respect copyright.PENANAjI3grFhAIR
似男類女,撲朔迷離。121Please respect copyright.PENANAo9UnXouqEi
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我坐起,無法理解眼前情形。121Please respect copyright.PENANAa6Mx1o76Lf
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甩甩頭,卻什麼都沒有改變。121Please respect copyright.PENANAQepRPROnan
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那個人注意到我醒了,放下書、抬起頭,開口:「早安。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAHZ4Kobr2EC
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我這時才看清楚對方的真面目。那是一張十分精緻漂亮的臉龐,膚白若雪、峨嵋皓齒,細柳般的髮絲垂下,一雙黑色的眼眸藏在若隱若現中。121Please respect copyright.PENANA9lDvjRzKug
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我幾乎以為那是個女人,但對方不讓我這麼想。121Please respect copyright.PENANAMXJosIvAdZ
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他開口:「在下複姓諸葛,名亮,字孔明。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAchHbP8nj7F
121Please respect copyright.PENANANLmaIYVeXv
我活在一個被三國演義淹沒的時代,電視劇、電影、遊戲、漫畫、小說,四處可見三國人物的名號,就算沒有特別研究,也不可能不知道這個名字。121Please respect copyright.PENANAbg1T373CGk
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甚至可以說,聽到有點膩了。121Please respect copyright.PENANAkEbHAwrcs2
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人會對未知感到迷惑、對迷惑感到恐懼。121Please respect copyright.PENANAtTT684t4wY
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這時我只想笑。121Please respect copyright.PENANA4wqz7r9ifj
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我:「這什麼整人節目?真是大手筆。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAsfIh27oYf7
121Please respect copyright.PENANAOS0IIq2tTs
那自稱諸葛亮的人──我就暫且叫他諸葛亮──放下書,起身走到我面前,饒有興趣地問:「整人節目?那是什麼?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAXJfYUfj6jc
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我沒興趣跟他玩了,直接說:「換下一個人吧,我要走了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAPB9hD9jpqH
121Please respect copyright.PENANAfa5ibZAJ9y
諸葛亮點點頭,伸手比向旁邊的竹門:「請便。」121Please respect copyright.PENANALr3b6O2uFS
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我走下床、打開門、走出去……121Please respect copyright.PENANAqNiza9loVT
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停住。121Please respect copyright.PENANA5Dvc5BJuDw
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如果我沒看錯,眼前是藍天白雲、房子底下空空如也。121Please respect copyright.PENANA3mjfmmeqVO
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刺骨的寒風一吹,攪得我心頭一涼。121Please respect copyright.PENANAgVgq8taQPM
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我面無表情關上門,回頭。121Please respect copyright.PENANAcNRXeA10kt
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諸葛亮好整以暇坐在床上,開口:「這是模擬我住的地方想像出來的空間。如果你想要,說說看喜歡什麼樣的地方,我都能換給你。順便一提,想要冷、熱、痛甚至是奇癢,我都能你體會到。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAH8aAcJ4IJT
121Please respect copyright.PENANAui2DR8xqrB
諸葛亮冷笑:「不管你想不想要。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAfWsKoCu9fR
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文言文我大致上都聽得懂,感謝我的國文老師。121Please respect copyright.PENANAccqWaiJdMr
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太長的、比較難的,我就當場自己翻譯成白話文,這樣我比較好懂、大家也比較好懂──不要再跟我討論什麼古代人怎麼會說白話文的問題。121Please respect copyright.PENANAGj38iDXpEs
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但我還是聽不懂諸葛亮想表達什麼。121Please respect copyright.PENANAAbOqS2bwal
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諸葛亮也不管我是不是理解了,自顧自開口:「聽你說話的方式,應該是生活在我的後世而非前世,真想跟你聊一聊以後的世界。可惜我們的時間不夠,有些事情該交代的,道義上我還是要向你交代一下。」121Please respect copyright.PENANADklaYGvp0Y
121Please respect copyright.PENANAgNUOMKvPRu
我沒有理他,走到窗戶旁邊,探出頭。121Please respect copyright.PENANAdFRsDPL5jC
121Please respect copyright.PENANANw2raomrM1
竹林消失,又是一片藍天白雲。121Please respect copyright.PENANAMTLOCSXLfi
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怎麼辦?我只好祈禱。121Please respect copyright.PENANAmhCv0URdjA
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萬能的天神啊,我知道錯了,我不該沒刷牙就睡覺。我以後一定會當一個乖寶寶的,如果這是夢,請快點讓我醒來吧。121Please respect copyright.PENANAWbuCewto0v
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然後我在自己臉上打了熱騰騰的一巴掌。121Please respect copyright.PENANATZxtddQTVn
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痛死我,不信也得信了。121Please respect copyright.PENANAFtgBw1ePnO
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「後悔也來不及了、祈禱也沒有用的,這個世界沒有神。」諸葛亮好像看穿我在想什麼。「好好談談吧,對你不會有壞處的。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAzd7fmdJIar
121Please respect copyright.PENANATWCVbXMOD9
我:「這是什麼情況?」121Please respect copyright.PENANArJXJG9qX35
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這比醒來的時候發現自己被關在密室腳上被綁著鐵鍊旁邊還只有一把生鏽的鋸子逼你把腿鋸掉還要扯的到底是什麼情況?121Please respect copyright.PENANAE8QykTCfUX
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我絕對沒有打錯字。121Please respect copyright.PENANAmcx1UMmvIt
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諸葛亮:「這裡是我設下的幻魂陣,能讓精神脫離肉體,直接進行交流。不過我不是要和你交流什麼,而是想讓你代替我。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAtw1zkao0VI
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我:「代替?」121Please respect copyright.PENANADqClT5edNq
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諸葛亮:「就是讓你變成我。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA3UEBxpNCOd
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我:「為什麼?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAjysezCiBkh
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諸葛亮:「這說來話長。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAg5Q8KDN4lF
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我:「那不要說好了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAMPo3XP0E2K
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諸葛亮:「但我還是想說一下。這得從我的志向開始說起。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAKTTPckmg7S
121Please respect copyright.PENANAgFLn8Dzbf6
「什麼志向?」我隨口問。你想當第一任臨時大總統之類的嗎?121Please respect copyright.PENANAFZidBmkdWU
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諸葛亮:「第一,就是當皇帝。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAFpGx9BOSsh
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也差不多意思。121Please respect copyright.PENANApQyrybSE4G
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諸葛亮:「第二,就是把我喜歡的美女通通收入後宮。如果可以直接完成第二項,那第一項不用完成其實沒關係。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAr6rq6hQ2Ys
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真是遠大的志向啊,佩服佩服。你個死色胚。121Please respect copyright.PENANAd4yQ1qaw5p
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諸葛亮嘆了口氣:「唉,但我不小心犯了一個錯。為了完成我的遠大志向,我想要那老頭──一個叫黃承彥的老頭,我想要他的『四象八卦圖』,誰知道他只送不賣,說是要拿來當他女兒的嫁妝。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAU7fXYyW6Cr
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好個有商業頭腦的老頭。121Please respect copyright.PENANAnuTDLdoRpN
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我:「這算什麼錯?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAkoNF9d2Yhy
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諸葛亮:「別急,我還沒說完。我問他:『汝女之容如何?』他回答我:『沉魚落雁、閉月羞花,汝見之,必驚為天人。』我考慮了一下,既可以拿到我想要的東西、還順便賺一個美女當老婆,這麼划算的事情不答應簡直是白癡,所以我就答應了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAWR4iT3MUzr
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我:「這樣很好啊。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA5hN2vGzCd9
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諸葛亮面無表情用最快的速度說:「魚跟鳥都會被她嚇死,月跟花都不敢看她,我看到她,差點升天去見祖先。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA9goJsOHUIz
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……121Please respect copyright.PENANAlcgI1LuLWt
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諸葛亮:「我後來私下探訪,才知道黃老頭的女兒根本是個滯銷品。她醜得用豬形容都侮辱豬,而且還不只是醜、醜我還可以接受,重點是她的個性又很差,差得用老母形容都侮辱老母啊。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAff5UAU0DMs
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你老母的個性到底是多差才會被你拿來這樣比喻啊!121Please respect copyright.PENANAmXo5RHIIMH
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諸葛亮:「我當然反悔了,但又不想把東西還給黃老頭,所以想賴帳。但黃老頭找了一群人來對付我,我打不贏又逃不掉,只好去找我師傅幫忙。但你知道我師傅跟我說什麼嗎?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAbotl3Z4a1o
121Please respect copyright.PENANASCo3cUh6VT
我:「什麼?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAdj083fVCdz
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諸葛亮:「他說:『這是你的報應。』」121Please respect copyright.PENANA4UVTWRqe9l
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是報應沒有錯啊。121Please respect copyright.PENANAof840SXB4c
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不過,這到底哪門子因果報應劇場的劇情?你是諸葛亮耶,怎麼抱怨起來簡直像是菜市場的歐巴桑在抱怨一樣又臭又長?你知道你說話的長度觀眾看了會煩嗎?你知道你說話的方式像是我把我心裡的對白全部講出來一樣誇張嗎?說好的長話短說呢?121Please respect copyright.PENANAgKIqHilKpm
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重點是。121Please respect copyright.PENANA6Tvs1uVAEc
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怪我嘍?121Please respect copyright.PENANA3UJOyKk6LD
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我:「那是你自己搞出來的事,不要牽拖到我身上吧?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAAkJeZwU3vN
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諸葛亮:「抱歉。」121Please respect copyright.PENANArGc3tQ9uMV
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我:「不接受行不行?」121Please respect copyright.PENANA76GqDJoYxZ
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諸葛亮:「對不起。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAlvoCGhA6hf
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……121Please respect copyright.PENANAO8M3FMQ300
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諸葛亮毫不在乎我的感受,繼續抱怨:「還有啊,既然你是後世的人應該知道吧,那個娘砲劉備硬是要我去當他的軍師。我可是要當皇帝的人,所以我當然拒絕他──誰知道他身邊一群流氓,我不幫忙就拿刀要砍我,所以我只能四處躲躲藏藏,希望不要被他找到。」121Please respect copyright.PENANATxLpVO4B3d
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那我大概有三次被抓的機會。121Please respect copyright.PENANAhEGyjhVETG
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「對了,我已經被抓到兩次了,如果你再被抓到可能只有死路一條,自己小心一點。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAAlifL4rCZ2
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去你妹的。121Please respect copyright.PENANA652BLL2WA4
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我:「你去找別人好不好?如果你需要,我可以推薦幾個人給你。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAR2mbMnfz5k
121Please respect copyright.PENANAurOSYFcDsp
那幾個向我借錢不還的、背後偷罵我的、賣黑心食品的、硬拆房子的、愛穿三角褲游泳的,我認為都是不錯的對象。121Please respect copyright.PENANAUaExHzYzGz
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不要問我穿三角褲游泳哪裡錯了。121Please respect copyright.PENANAubiNmPVFRq
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但諸葛亮只是說:「你連自己的長相都忘了?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAy16sqJpVFm
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他說完,一面銅鏡浮現在我面前。121Please respect copyright.PENANA7XqFn4hgIq
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我一看,鏡子裡只有諸葛亮。121Please respect copyright.PENANAgvCkEbiQqp
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鏡子拿下,卻看到我自己。121Please respect copyright.PENANAl93dyh1VM0
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諸葛亮:「你就是我、我就是你,別人沒辦法代替我。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAlSfWOzfux0
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我無話可說。121Please respect copyright.PENANAvfMa96BhFv
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諸葛亮:「另外,大白天就在做白日夢的你,也算是異類了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAgmlciOhYqX
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我真的無話可說。121Please respect copyright.PENANAr5B9vKH2Ut
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諸葛亮笑笑:「換個方向思考,跟我交換也不是只有壞處嘛。我這麼天才,你怎麼可能是個廢物?但我看你現在就是半個廢人,換個地方,看你能不能換個心情好好努力。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAUuuoBoLCx5
121Please respect copyright.PENANAmaid5iZsF3
我:「那我會變成什麼樣子?」121Please respect copyright.PENANARep8508ney
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諸葛亮:「就這樣,時間差不多了,有沒有問題想問的?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAZOyMsMSiCy
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我剛才已經問了!121Please respect copyright.PENANAS1qr6D2oLk
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他根本就只有抱怨啊,從頭到尾都只有抱怨啊,說好要交代的事情呢?121Please respect copyright.PENANAno2rvbU2rj
121Please respect copyright.PENANAgY3atFkOYz
我:「現在的我呢?會變成什麼樣子?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAgqoPBnD1Wm
121Please respect copyright.PENANASJBeeYuKKI
「我故意不想回答,你還是硬要問這個啊,真是沒有意義。」諸葛亮一臉我問錯問題的樣子。「算了,我就回答你吧。這個你大可以放心。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAYxIVwASk8O
121Please respect copyright.PENANA0dJe4mvNXo
我:「放心?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAFFOaX9Iinm
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諸葛亮笑著:「我已經準備好另一個身體,並不會跟你調換。所有認識你的人都會忘了你,那個世界不會有關於你的存在。」121Please respect copyright.PENANASfTkYLIz6i
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我喉頭一澀。121Please respect copyright.PENANAeRl1xamM6o
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根本笑不出來。121Please respect copyright.PENANAlf9sBCEY2D
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但諸葛亮只管他的我行我素:「最後提醒你一件事。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA9VZoCIT2LB
121Please respect copyright.PENANA7A8CxYtKNG
那是一個頗有深意的笑容。121Please respect copyright.PENANARCWW4sEbEZ
121Please respect copyright.PENANAgo8IulTYXN
「歷史是會騙人的。」121Please respect copyright.PENANABpJwlI5AUU
121Please respect copyright.PENANAF8eKgSeWiZ
我的視界陷入混沌當中。
ns216.73.216.30da2121Please respect copyright.PENANAwmuLpb3wsd
不過那已經不重要了。121Please respect copyright.PENANApmpgJPaFEM
121Please respect copyright.PENANAdHcL2G1IeG
因為我醒來的時候,不,應該說我「在夢裡醒來的時候」,身處於一個莫名其妙的地方。121Please respect copyright.PENANAdt0ao94kIc
121Please respect copyright.PENANAX2hY9xiGNo
那是一個用竹子搭建起來的房間,裡面有一套桌椅、一個衣櫃、一張床,必須用複數形容的只有凌亂四散的書籍,數量之多幾乎要淹沒整個房間。房間窗戶是打開的,透過窗戶往外看,是一大片的青竹林。121Please respect copyright.PENANA9ObvGsscuk
121Please respect copyright.PENANAhNteKu44U6
風一吹,竹葉的稀疏摩擦聲如海浪般一波未平一波又起。121Please respect copyright.PENANAI0Ecr1P748
121Please respect copyright.PENANAEjiU5KlooZ
風又吹,吹散了一個人的長髮。121Please respect copyright.PENANAaEiYa3HdCk
121Please respect copyright.PENANATHvLuWWGq2
那個人坐在一張涼蓆上。他的皮膚是一種接近病態的蒼白、黑色長髮凌亂分岔披散在肩膀,他身上只有一件青布衣用腰帶寬鬆地繫住,更顯得過瘦的身軀弱不禁風。121Please respect copyright.PENANAtsHSAsjBVf
121Please respect copyright.PENANA5uK8gHaJYO
我想看清對方的面目,無奈那人素白的右手上拿著書,遮住了臉面。121Please respect copyright.PENANAZwSUdY6Cku
121Please respect copyright.PENANAjI3grFhAIR
似男類女,撲朔迷離。121Please respect copyright.PENANAo9UnXouqEi
121Please respect copyright.PENANAiCsV7ANBc7
我坐起,無法理解眼前情形。121Please respect copyright.PENANAa6Mx1o76Lf
121Please respect copyright.PENANAIjUrvQfF2c
甩甩頭,卻什麼都沒有改變。121Please respect copyright.PENANAQepRPROnan
121Please respect copyright.PENANAQOc8JQP7jc
那個人注意到我醒了,放下書、抬起頭,開口:「早安。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAHZ4Kobr2EC
121Please respect copyright.PENANATLvhvs3fQl
我這時才看清楚對方的真面目。那是一張十分精緻漂亮的臉龐,膚白若雪、峨嵋皓齒,細柳般的髮絲垂下,一雙黑色的眼眸藏在若隱若現中。121Please respect copyright.PENANA9lDvjRzKug
121Please respect copyright.PENANA10NENAnbci
我幾乎以為那是個女人,但對方不讓我這麼想。121Please respect copyright.PENANAMXJosIvAdZ
121Please respect copyright.PENANAKacqR0TiFm
他開口:「在下複姓諸葛,名亮,字孔明。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAchHbP8nj7F
121Please respect copyright.PENANANLmaIYVeXv
我活在一個被三國演義淹沒的時代,電視劇、電影、遊戲、漫畫、小說,四處可見三國人物的名號,就算沒有特別研究,也不可能不知道這個名字。121Please respect copyright.PENANAbg1T373CGk
121Please respect copyright.PENANAJdIzNbh9WT
甚至可以說,聽到有點膩了。121Please respect copyright.PENANAkEbHAwrcs2
121Please respect copyright.PENANA0NeRdCJhYR
人會對未知感到迷惑、對迷惑感到恐懼。121Please respect copyright.PENANAtTT684t4wY
121Please respect copyright.PENANANs7AurVtWX
這時我只想笑。121Please respect copyright.PENANA4wqz7r9ifj
121Please respect copyright.PENANA1x6yDwuFyQ
我:「這什麼整人節目?真是大手筆。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAsfIh27oYf7
121Please respect copyright.PENANAOS0IIq2tTs
那自稱諸葛亮的人──我就暫且叫他諸葛亮──放下書,起身走到我面前,饒有興趣地問:「整人節目?那是什麼?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAXJfYUfj6jc
121Please respect copyright.PENANAnrlWWlioez
我沒興趣跟他玩了,直接說:「換下一個人吧,我要走了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAPB9hD9jpqH
121Please respect copyright.PENANAfa5ibZAJ9y
諸葛亮點點頭,伸手比向旁邊的竹門:「請便。」121Please respect copyright.PENANALr3b6O2uFS
121Please respect copyright.PENANAQVQ3sR6fml
我走下床、打開門、走出去……121Please respect copyright.PENANAqNiza9loVT
121Please respect copyright.PENANAahQf5DMGmZ
停住。121Please respect copyright.PENANA5Dvc5BJuDw
121Please respect copyright.PENANAPDJIZKHiDt
如果我沒看錯,眼前是藍天白雲、房子底下空空如也。121Please respect copyright.PENANA3mjfmmeqVO
121Please respect copyright.PENANA8QWOoNLl0I
刺骨的寒風一吹,攪得我心頭一涼。121Please respect copyright.PENANAgVgq8taQPM
121Please respect copyright.PENANA4lGbbpdvLl
我面無表情關上門,回頭。121Please respect copyright.PENANAcNRXeA10kt
121Please respect copyright.PENANAXyOSNNLM6U
諸葛亮好整以暇坐在床上,開口:「這是模擬我住的地方想像出來的空間。如果你想要,說說看喜歡什麼樣的地方,我都能換給你。順便一提,想要冷、熱、痛甚至是奇癢,我都能你體會到。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAH8aAcJ4IJT
121Please respect copyright.PENANAui2DR8xqrB
諸葛亮冷笑:「不管你想不想要。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAfWsKoCu9fR
121Please respect copyright.PENANApeCAogKC6s
文言文我大致上都聽得懂,感謝我的國文老師。121Please respect copyright.PENANAccqWaiJdMr
121Please respect copyright.PENANArOHbC1mI6t
太長的、比較難的,我就當場自己翻譯成白話文,這樣我比較好懂、大家也比較好懂──不要再跟我討論什麼古代人怎麼會說白話文的問題。121Please respect copyright.PENANAGj38iDXpEs
121Please respect copyright.PENANA54bzERnEt0
但我還是聽不懂諸葛亮想表達什麼。121Please respect copyright.PENANAAbOqS2bwal
121Please respect copyright.PENANAJoiZicmhWD
諸葛亮也不管我是不是理解了,自顧自開口:「聽你說話的方式,應該是生活在我的後世而非前世,真想跟你聊一聊以後的世界。可惜我們的時間不夠,有些事情該交代的,道義上我還是要向你交代一下。」121Please respect copyright.PENANADklaYGvp0Y
121Please respect copyright.PENANAgNUOMKvPRu
我沒有理他,走到窗戶旁邊,探出頭。121Please respect copyright.PENANAdFRsDPL5jC
121Please respect copyright.PENANANw2raomrM1
竹林消失,又是一片藍天白雲。121Please respect copyright.PENANAMTLOCSXLfi
121Please respect copyright.PENANAwnQuUE2r9w
怎麼辦?我只好祈禱。121Please respect copyright.PENANAmhCv0URdjA
121Please respect copyright.PENANAjBhGXlvZva
萬能的天神啊,我知道錯了,我不該沒刷牙就睡覺。我以後一定會當一個乖寶寶的,如果這是夢,請快點讓我醒來吧。121Please respect copyright.PENANAWbuCewto0v
121Please respect copyright.PENANArMwcFYbXdA
然後我在自己臉上打了熱騰騰的一巴掌。121Please respect copyright.PENANATZxtddQTVn
121Please respect copyright.PENANAn9ochDM3RO
痛死我,不信也得信了。121Please respect copyright.PENANAFtgBw1ePnO
121Please respect copyright.PENANAg39f2UlInJ
「後悔也來不及了、祈禱也沒有用的,這個世界沒有神。」諸葛亮好像看穿我在想什麼。「好好談談吧,對你不會有壞處的。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAzd7fmdJIar
121Please respect copyright.PENANATWCVbXMOD9
我:「這是什麼情況?」121Please respect copyright.PENANArJXJG9qX35
121Please respect copyright.PENANAUoYKhVBuOM
這比醒來的時候發現自己被關在密室腳上被綁著鐵鍊旁邊還只有一把生鏽的鋸子逼你把腿鋸掉還要扯的到底是什麼情況?121Please respect copyright.PENANAE8QykTCfUX
121Please respect copyright.PENANAq9MxN9AwPV
我絕對沒有打錯字。121Please respect copyright.PENANAmcx1UMmvIt
121Please respect copyright.PENANAT0LVdvbCT7
諸葛亮:「這裡是我設下的幻魂陣,能讓精神脫離肉體,直接進行交流。不過我不是要和你交流什麼,而是想讓你代替我。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAtw1zkao0VI
121Please respect copyright.PENANAlz82iVhlEv
我:「代替?」121Please respect copyright.PENANADqClT5edNq
121Please respect copyright.PENANARdfaRIEcVl
諸葛亮:「就是讓你變成我。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA3UEBxpNCOd
121Please respect copyright.PENANAX3IryMpzEw
我:「為什麼?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAjysezCiBkh
121Please respect copyright.PENANAmlcwdPyi5Q
諸葛亮:「這說來話長。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAg5Q8KDN4lF
121Please respect copyright.PENANAeLH6b6ZodI
我:「那不要說好了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAMPo3XP0E2K
121Please respect copyright.PENANA9jJfpiZvun
諸葛亮:「但我還是想說一下。這得從我的志向開始說起。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAKTTPckmg7S
121Please respect copyright.PENANAgFLn8Dzbf6
「什麼志向?」我隨口問。你想當第一任臨時大總統之類的嗎?121Please respect copyright.PENANAFZidBmkdWU
121Please respect copyright.PENANAAWqqhfEVLW
諸葛亮:「第一,就是當皇帝。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAFpGx9BOSsh
121Please respect copyright.PENANAh0TqSDQO2C
也差不多意思。121Please respect copyright.PENANApQyrybSE4G
121Please respect copyright.PENANAcgP8OQQDYk
諸葛亮:「第二,就是把我喜歡的美女通通收入後宮。如果可以直接完成第二項,那第一項不用完成其實沒關係。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAr6rq6hQ2Ys
121Please respect copyright.PENANAobBeuYNpHl
真是遠大的志向啊,佩服佩服。你個死色胚。121Please respect copyright.PENANAd4yQ1qaw5p
121Please respect copyright.PENANApot5pVMaHz
諸葛亮嘆了口氣:「唉,但我不小心犯了一個錯。為了完成我的遠大志向,我想要那老頭──一個叫黃承彥的老頭,我想要他的『四象八卦圖』,誰知道他只送不賣,說是要拿來當他女兒的嫁妝。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAU7fXYyW6Cr
121Please respect copyright.PENANAUD9upIE3vf
好個有商業頭腦的老頭。121Please respect copyright.PENANAnuTDLdoRpN
121Please respect copyright.PENANARcqasdigra
我:「這算什麼錯?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAkoNF9d2Yhy
121Please respect copyright.PENANAL7jyfhg0if
諸葛亮:「別急,我還沒說完。我問他:『汝女之容如何?』他回答我:『沉魚落雁、閉月羞花,汝見之,必驚為天人。』我考慮了一下,既可以拿到我想要的東西、還順便賺一個美女當老婆,這麼划算的事情不答應簡直是白癡,所以我就答應了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAWR4iT3MUzr
121Please respect copyright.PENANARYOnjPoMKx
我:「這樣很好啊。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA5hN2vGzCd9
121Please respect copyright.PENANAxqhQdA5DyM
諸葛亮面無表情用最快的速度說:「魚跟鳥都會被她嚇死,月跟花都不敢看她,我看到她,差點升天去見祖先。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA9goJsOHUIz
121Please respect copyright.PENANAJSTdjxjmsA
……121Please respect copyright.PENANAlcgI1LuLWt
121Please respect copyright.PENANA9w6Y9Eo9TJ
諸葛亮:「我後來私下探訪,才知道黃老頭的女兒根本是個滯銷品。她醜得用豬形容都侮辱豬,而且還不只是醜、醜我還可以接受,重點是她的個性又很差,差得用老母形容都侮辱老母啊。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAff5UAU0DMs
121Please respect copyright.PENANAANtu72JsdL
你老母的個性到底是多差才會被你拿來這樣比喻啊!121Please respect copyright.PENANAmXo5RHIIMH
121Please respect copyright.PENANANfsFiuL2Zr
諸葛亮:「我當然反悔了,但又不想把東西還給黃老頭,所以想賴帳。但黃老頭找了一群人來對付我,我打不贏又逃不掉,只好去找我師傅幫忙。但你知道我師傅跟我說什麼嗎?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAbotl3Z4a1o
121Please respect copyright.PENANASCo3cUh6VT
我:「什麼?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAdj083fVCdz
121Please respect copyright.PENANASAvh9LZKbD
諸葛亮:「他說:『這是你的報應。』」121Please respect copyright.PENANA4UVTWRqe9l
121Please respect copyright.PENANAol3Sc3WZzJ
是報應沒有錯啊。121Please respect copyright.PENANAof840SXB4c
121Please respect copyright.PENANAkni9JxJb8N
不過,這到底哪門子因果報應劇場的劇情?你是諸葛亮耶,怎麼抱怨起來簡直像是菜市場的歐巴桑在抱怨一樣又臭又長?你知道你說話的長度觀眾看了會煩嗎?你知道你說話的方式像是我把我心裡的對白全部講出來一樣誇張嗎?說好的長話短說呢?121Please respect copyright.PENANAgKIqHilKpm
121Please respect copyright.PENANAIdgM6joJwd
重點是。121Please respect copyright.PENANA6Tvs1uVAEc
121Please respect copyright.PENANA0lM6egWkBv
怪我嘍?121Please respect copyright.PENANA3UJOyKk6LD
121Please respect copyright.PENANA6LvegXs0Bs
我:「那是你自己搞出來的事,不要牽拖到我身上吧?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAAkJeZwU3vN
121Please respect copyright.PENANAARIz4ZMxCR
諸葛亮:「抱歉。」121Please respect copyright.PENANArGc3tQ9uMV
121Please respect copyright.PENANAhh0MGrBzP0
我:「不接受行不行?」121Please respect copyright.PENANA76GqDJoYxZ
121Please respect copyright.PENANAZCZHzdKBZb
諸葛亮:「對不起。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAlvoCGhA6hf
121Please respect copyright.PENANAdo2fpiXTGN
……121Please respect copyright.PENANAO8M3FMQ300
121Please respect copyright.PENANAkkqJMGH2Kv
諸葛亮毫不在乎我的感受,繼續抱怨:「還有啊,既然你是後世的人應該知道吧,那個娘砲劉備硬是要我去當他的軍師。我可是要當皇帝的人,所以我當然拒絕他──誰知道他身邊一群流氓,我不幫忙就拿刀要砍我,所以我只能四處躲躲藏藏,希望不要被他找到。」121Please respect copyright.PENANATxLpVO4B3d
121Please respect copyright.PENANABCTrN9NP0v
那我大概有三次被抓的機會。121Please respect copyright.PENANAhEGyjhVETG
121Please respect copyright.PENANAD2W3xQkJ4Z
「對了,我已經被抓到兩次了,如果你再被抓到可能只有死路一條,自己小心一點。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAAlifL4rCZ2
121Please respect copyright.PENANAlU4gCcyiiM
去你妹的。121Please respect copyright.PENANA652BLL2WA4
121Please respect copyright.PENANAnrfVSMkyY3
我:「你去找別人好不好?如果你需要,我可以推薦幾個人給你。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAR2mbMnfz5k
121Please respect copyright.PENANAurOSYFcDsp
那幾個向我借錢不還的、背後偷罵我的、賣黑心食品的、硬拆房子的、愛穿三角褲游泳的,我認為都是不錯的對象。121Please respect copyright.PENANAUaExHzYzGz
121Please respect copyright.PENANAgUaZTYw6zN
不要問我穿三角褲游泳哪裡錯了。121Please respect copyright.PENANAubiNmPVFRq
121Please respect copyright.PENANAHIwL7yPRXL
但諸葛亮只是說:「你連自己的長相都忘了?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAy16sqJpVFm
121Please respect copyright.PENANAmiT6AyukPm
他說完,一面銅鏡浮現在我面前。121Please respect copyright.PENANA7XqFn4hgIq
121Please respect copyright.PENANAlQJMedABoZ
我一看,鏡子裡只有諸葛亮。121Please respect copyright.PENANAgvCkEbiQqp
121Please respect copyright.PENANA2L6tv7kgQg
鏡子拿下,卻看到我自己。121Please respect copyright.PENANAl93dyh1VM0
121Please respect copyright.PENANADQSUEf8Jqx
諸葛亮:「你就是我、我就是你,別人沒辦法代替我。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAlSfWOzfux0
121Please respect copyright.PENANArgyKMBBcRM
我無話可說。121Please respect copyright.PENANAvfMa96BhFv
121Please respect copyright.PENANAwnH26oHkj3
諸葛亮:「另外,大白天就在做白日夢的你,也算是異類了。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAgmlciOhYqX
121Please respect copyright.PENANArffeEVmGI2
我真的無話可說。121Please respect copyright.PENANAr5B9vKH2Ut
121Please respect copyright.PENANA6Pr0YyjXuP
諸葛亮笑笑:「換個方向思考,跟我交換也不是只有壞處嘛。我這麼天才,你怎麼可能是個廢物?但我看你現在就是半個廢人,換個地方,看你能不能換個心情好好努力。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAUuuoBoLCx5
121Please respect copyright.PENANAmaid5iZsF3
我:「那我會變成什麼樣子?」121Please respect copyright.PENANARep8508ney
121Please respect copyright.PENANAEidyf1A5oa
諸葛亮:「就這樣,時間差不多了,有沒有問題想問的?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAZOyMsMSiCy
121Please respect copyright.PENANAjlQrHPIPl8
我剛才已經問了!121Please respect copyright.PENANAS1qr6D2oLk
121Please respect copyright.PENANAMAz90eynNU
他根本就只有抱怨啊,從頭到尾都只有抱怨啊,說好要交代的事情呢?121Please respect copyright.PENANAno2rvbU2rj
121Please respect copyright.PENANAgY3atFkOYz
我:「現在的我呢?會變成什麼樣子?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAgqoPBnD1Wm
121Please respect copyright.PENANASJBeeYuKKI
「我故意不想回答,你還是硬要問這個啊,真是沒有意義。」諸葛亮一臉我問錯問題的樣子。「算了,我就回答你吧。這個你大可以放心。」121Please respect copyright.PENANAYxIVwASk8O
121Please respect copyright.PENANA0dJe4mvNXo
我:「放心?」121Please respect copyright.PENANAFFOaX9Iinm
121Please respect copyright.PENANAHT7eqz4TUb
諸葛亮笑著:「我已經準備好另一個身體,並不會跟你調換。所有認識你的人都會忘了你,那個世界不會有關於你的存在。」121Please respect copyright.PENANASfTkYLIz6i
121Please respect copyright.PENANAC46wFCy1cj
我喉頭一澀。121Please respect copyright.PENANAeRl1xamM6o
121Please respect copyright.PENANA1GjVKC6FI2
根本笑不出來。121Please respect copyright.PENANAlf9sBCEY2D
121Please respect copyright.PENANAx7kmGkPPyD
但諸葛亮只管他的我行我素:「最後提醒你一件事。」121Please respect copyright.PENANA9VZoCIT2LB
121Please respect copyright.PENANA7A8CxYtKNG
那是一個頗有深意的笑容。121Please respect copyright.PENANARCWW4sEbEZ
121Please respect copyright.PENANAgo8IulTYXN
「歷史是會騙人的。」121Please respect copyright.PENANABpJwlI5AUU
121Please respect copyright.PENANAF8eKgSeWiZ
我的視界陷入混沌當中。