i’m so done with everything. i can’t think properly without my head being overloaded with stuff that i don’t want to think about. i have a constant butterfly feeling in my stomach, not the good version though. i feel sick because of how anxious and nervous i am all the time. i’m scared people will leave me. i’m scared i’ll grow up to be a fuck up. what if i already am? i don’t know what to feel. i want to be happy but being sad is comfort to me now. i go out and be so happy, i put on a show for everyone but as soon as i’m alone and left with just my thoughts then i don’t have to hide anymore. i don’t have to be everyone’s little fucking puppet who gives them entertainment. i just wanna sleep forever. so i don’t have to think. one night i want to lay down, fall asleep to never wake up again. whenever i feel like this i get shivers. even if i’m boiling hot i get shivers. i’m falling apart and i don’t know what to do. i’ve genuinely never felt how i feel right now. i’m on the verge of breaking down. why do i feel like this man i just want someone to blow my brains out, i’ll disappear along with my thoughts. never to be seen again. people ask ‘are you okay?’ yeah i’m fine that’s always gonna be the answer. i hate telling people directly how i feel so i write. i write everything i’m thinking, well nearly everything. i’d give up my soul to disappear from the face of the earth. anything. what’s the point of me living if i have no hope left in me. none. i wanna go back to 2009-2019. when i was properly and genuinely happy. i want to punch myself so violently or make myself bleed so i can let out what i feel. though, it doesn’t  help much. i know it won’t. i don’t know what will help. it’s weird how i could walk into the kitchen right now and just slit my throat. my lifeless body would be on the floor. i’d be free. pieces of me are falling apart and it’s hard to pick them back up all by myself. yeah i have people but what can they do? tell me it’s alright. say that their there for me. yeah that’s so sweet of them but i still have no hope. none.1234 copyright protection486ＰＥＮＡＮＡVlPH0817pV 尼

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