i’m only 14 years old, my life has barely even begun and i already feel like no teenager should ever feel. i hate every part of my body from my head to my toe sometimes i just want to rip myself apart and rebuild myself so i look how i want to look. people at school remind me everyday how ugly i am because i’m ginger, because i’m lanky and too tall, because i’m a ‘freak’. people threaten to snap my skateboards and they always ‘accidentally’ push me in the hallway. i don’t get how some people thrive of others pain and humiliation. it’s so fucked up. i never even realised i was so hated in school until i became friends with some of the ‘weird kids’ (who are actually the sweetest kids on earth) and then i came to my senses. i’m a freak and i always will be. back to the point where people thrive off others pain i think that’s so fucking stupid and messed up. just because some people have nothing else to do with their sad little lives they decide to take it out on other kids. i don’t think they realise how much that can damage someone mentally. they make me want to rip my hair out and just run away from everything and never come back. growing up with not many friends my confidence was never the best. that led to me always being left out in friend groups and that’s been happening to be since 2018ish and still happens to this day. just imagine sitting there with your so called ‘friends’ and they start making plans without you right in front of your fucking face. do you know how shitty that feels? do they know? i want them to be in my situation. i want them and the other kids who take it out on me to know how it feels. how it feels to be pushed around all day and be told that their a freak. they wouldn’t like it. i would mention how i feel to them and they’d be like ‘oh i’m so sorry’ and not change. why say sorry and pretend to be nice when your not gonna change the way you act? i’m a human too can’t you see that? open your fucking eyes. friends in real life hurt too much so late 2022/early 2023 i turned to online friends. i met my first online friend, let’s call her F, on december 12th 2022. everything was great and we even started dating a bit. valentine’s day she broke my heart. blocked me on everything and left for a month. she came back and we almost dated again, she blocked me again. she came back again and told me she tried to kill herself but her friend told me that it wasn’t true since she went on holiday during that time. i was heartbroken. how could someone to that to me? what did i do wrong? then i was sad about it but now looking back at it i’m just angry. the amount of pain i was in at that time and F just used that against me to make me break apart slowly is just not right. that period of time i was in a really shitty mental state. i would break razors out of eyebrow shapers and then eventually got to the pencil sharpeners. i find it so satisfying the way the white line slowly fills with red. but the guilt after. it was horrible. i had to hide my arms from everyone and i lived in fear for so long that someone was going to see. until they did. my dad saw. he’s a police officer and he’s really protective over me. i know how much of a dick he is though, my mum told me. i made excuses every time he mentioned the slits on my wrists but he started wrist checks. whenever i went to his house he’d grab my arms and pull up my sleeves. i eventually stopped cutting my arms so i moved elsewhere. when i was home alone i would go into my brothers room and steal his vapes. i stole one and didn’t realise it had fucking cannabis in it. it made me really ill and i threw up until i passed out. all while i was home alone. to this day if i see a vape lying around sometimes i’ll have a bit but i’m really trying to stop. it’s a really bad habit but i’m not addicted or anything. but i still wanna stop fully. another thing i would do when i was home alone was i found out that if i put cloth in front of a deodorant can i could ‘get high and forget’ i don’t even really remember what happened but i know it stopped how i was feeling for an hour or so. please, to anyone reading this, don’t do that. i found out after i stopped that its easy for you to pass out and not wake up. so please don’t no matter how you feel. sometimes now i remember how tingly my face felt and the taste of it in my mouth and sometimes my brain tells me to do it again. i know someone who’s definitely gonna be reading all this. yeah you. hi. please don’t see me any different after you’ve read this. please. but no 14 year old should have thoughts like i do. no one should have thoughts like that. i found out most the fucked up stuff i know now off the internet. people always say i was lucky for having internet at a young age. was i? was i really so lucky? it was only because i’d get home from school and my brothers would be shouting at each other, pushing each other into the walls, throwing stuff, and leaving punch holes everywhere. my brothers girlfriend would give me headphones and an ipad so i didn’t have to hear anything. the amount of holes in the walls that have been filled up in my house no home should ever have. my oldest brother moved out now and my other one still lives here. there’s poster on his door to cover a hole that hasn’t been filled yet. i’ve grown up with arguing my whole life. my mum and dad would argue, then my brothers, then my mum trying to stop my brothers, then my mum and her toxic ex. music has been my escape for years. all that arguing and fighting i’ve heard has made me really sensitive to any arguments i have or even when anyone shouts at me. in arguments i get really upset and same with being shouted at. a couple months ago i had the worst argument between me and my mum. we just had a family bbq and my bestfriend M was there with me. my mum, my brothers gf and my brother all started drunk arguing. i’ve always been scared of my mum drunk since she always gets mad at me. i started crying because everyone was shouting at each other and my mum started calling me selfish and attention seeking. arguments continued the whole way home and when we got home it was the worst. M said she’d never seen me so angry and so upset. me and my mum were shouting at each other at the top of our lungs. i’m never gonna forget that night. i remember exactly how i felt in that moment. i just wanted to punch anything and everything. i only know silent rage so i didn’t do anything. if M wasn’t there i’d most likely be sat in my room slitting my wrist, thigh and hip open so i’m really glad M was there because i was having some really bad thoughts at that moment. i couldn’t let M see me like that. although we’ve been friends for 14 years i can’t let her see that side of me. i don’t want anyone to see that side of me. I don’t even wanna see that side of me. i also feel like i’m unlovable. because of all my past relationships i feel like no one can truly love me. i really like this girl and she likes me too but i’m scared. so so scared. but then again i feel like i’m being stupid for feeling like that. i don’t even know. i’m too young to have thoughts like that. a 14 year old girl shouldn’t have daily thoughts of wanting to kill herself, or to cut herself or even thoughts that she hates herself. i wouldn’t wish those thoughts upon anyone because they are so disgusting and make me feel disgusted with myself. i’m too fucking young.
and again to that one person who i know is reading this, please don’t see me differently because i’m still the girl you know me to be i promise.
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