青苹果 - 11-百香果

柔弱了半辈子的女人，在倾盆大雨降下的前一天，在那间困住她半辈子的房子服下农药终结了生命。

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谭昕薇亲自前往医院辦完手续，蹲在花坛边，蹲了很久，暴露在外的皮肤都被冻红了，浑身都在颤抖，她总会不自觉不要命地折磨自己，似乎是希望痛感能唤醒体内仅剩不多的感知。

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突然，她听见了一身很微弱的猫叫声，抬眼就见一只瘦小的小黑猫朝她走来，用瘦弱的四肢颤颤巍巍地站立着，又发出一声短促的叫声。

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“别来找我。” 她移开目光，随后又缓缓低头看向脚边虚弱的小生命，“你活不久了吧？”

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小黑猫知道自己这次的求救大概也会一如既往地沉入大海里，不会得到任何回应，便不再强撑了，一点点卸下力气，趴在她的脚边，紧贴着她，似乎想要索取一点温暖。

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但，这一点的温暖她也给不了。

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“你有没有想过，活着是为了什么？”

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“我啊，觉得很没意思，这样活着很没意思。”

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“我救不了你，也不想救。”

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她噗嗤一声笑了出来，“我是个烂人对吧？”

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“你不要过来，不要喜欢我了。”

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“你......你去找另一个有可能的人吧。” 少女低声自语，压下话语间零零碎碎的颤，仰起头让月光得以照亮眼里的水，让透明的泪水和苍白的月光融为一体。

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“好吗。”

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“陆辰，你说好吗。”

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星星，很多事我可能怎么想也想不通，就比如说：我千疮百孔的心该如何痊愈、爱情是否能让它痊愈、我们之间的关系是否还能被修复，又该被什么修复。

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不过，有件事我总算想明白了。

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我知道只有你离开我，你才能变得更好。

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我知道只有我离开你，我才能离开自己，直到到了无可挽回的地步，我才能好好地从头到尾重新拼凑好另一个自己。

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我总会去想，爱是什么？总是纠结于爱的定义。

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爱能概括的太多了，它可以是福，也可以是祸。同时，我也懂了，放手也是一种爱。

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当晚，她梦见了陈云昕。

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等待死亡的过程痛苦不堪，她却硬生生挤出微笑，让她不要担心自己，她会一路走好，下辈子不要生而为人了，希望她也是。

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她说，我不后悔。

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过后又改口说，我好后悔啊。

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谭昕薇静默了一会，说了句，你真傻。

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二十多岁就看明白的事情，为什么还要用多年的痛苦来证实？

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为什么要死了还不要放过自己，要死在这个痛苦之地。

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应该离开这里，离得越远越好，远到她再也看不见，再也找不到。

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然后，找个干净的地方，干干净净地结束，就当作在生前给自己的一份清白。

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“真傻啊，你真的很愚蠢。”

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“这次的勇气攒得太久，不易攒够的勇气还用错地方了。”

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“所以，我不认为你解脱了。”

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她说不下去了，眼泪争先恐后地涌出眼眶，她不再阻止它们的坠落。因为一切都已经无所谓了。

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七日过去了。

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这期间，陆辰醒醒睡睡，意识迷糊，就算有力气撑起眼皮，眼前也是一片模糊，他问替自己擦身的母亲，问她谭昕薇去哪里了，她有没有受伤，问了好多遍。

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“给她一些时间吧。”母亲温柔的声音里透着一股心有余而力不足的无奈。

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“可我等了她好久。” 大片大片的灰裹挟着他，将他囫囵裹住，再从高空中狠狠砸下，身心全都摔成了粉碎，他泪流满面哭着，断断续续地哭喊。

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不知过了多久，好像只有短短的一日吧，他就在一夜间榨干了泪腺，他已经不想再哭泣，消磨了流泪的精力，但悲伤的情绪已在心中的那块土地扎根生长，他仍在悲伤着。

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每天起床、洗漱、看看书、看看天，配合检查，在病房里平淡地度过一天。

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清醒着悲伤似乎更辛苦。

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此时，沉沦成了最好的放纵，也是唯一的选择。

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他第一次尝试放纵自己，允许自己睡到天昏地暗，放任思绪到处飘荡，任由影影绰绰的悲凉坠在心底，整日一言不发地呆坐在床上，对外界的打扰置若罔闻，平静地感受着悲痛。

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明明整日无所事事，却比平日更容易困倦。

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他无力振作起来，人一旦累了，情绪就淡了。他开始变得冷漠，对父母的关心不给予回应，顶着一张面无表情的面貌面对来人。

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他成了自己所讨厌的模样。

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无穷无尽的悲痛腐蚀了一条生命的鲜活，就那么轻而易举的。

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有那么一个瞬间，他懂谭昕薇了，哪怕只有一点，他也懂了。

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疼啊。真的很疼。

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冬天的白天总是很短暂，稍不留神天色就陡然暗淡，铺天盖地的黑暗笼罩下来，如同渔网般缠住人们各自的悲凉不放，加深了人间的孤独感。

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灯火通明，却照不亮一颗被深藏的人心。

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病房的门缓缓被推开，除了位于窗边的病床的少年，其余的病人都已陷入沉睡，呼吸声此起彼伏。

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也许是夜深了，没人会打扰，少年掀开了床位上边的窗帘，安安静静地坐在床沿边，偶尔晃动双腿，除此之外就没什么动作，单看背影也感受不到本该属于他的生机。

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她朝那个背影走去，心脏在阵阵刺痛，却意外地哭不出来，她抽出兜里的双手，轻声道：“星星。”

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陆辰的后背明显一僵，怔怔地转过身，不可置信地望着她。

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病房里光线昏暗，只能隐约辨认眼前人的面部轮廓，看不清她的神情，无法得知她是否又受到了伤害，他失了神，他想下床将人抱进怀里，好好地端详那张数日不见的脸庞。然而，他后知后觉发现谭昕薇身形纹丝不动，和自己的迫切形成了鲜明的对比。

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也许是身心还未完全痊愈，他觉得自己变得敏感多疑，甚至有些玻璃心，他觉得眼前人的态度有些唐突，就好像自己承担了本该是两人份的思念，而她却是一身轻松，丝毫不见一丁点略显沉重的情绪。

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“你怎么不过来？”他按压下内心的不满，哪怕是在责怪，也没加重语气，听起来只是在闹别扭，哄一哄就好了。

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他相信谭昕薇也明白这一点，她知道自己没真的生气，知道只需要简单的几句轻声细语就能哄好，但她没哄。

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微妙的气氛在寂静的空间里无形翻涌着，他受不了了，说话时声音都在颤抖，“昕薇，昕薇，你说说话好吗？”

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晶莹剔透的泪水在少年的眼眶里打转，如果是以前，她肯定会不知所措，慌慌的安慰他。

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然而，现在的她仍一动不动，没有表态。

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她在等，等陆辰流泪的那刻，等有个能让情绪有所波动的瞬间。

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“昕薇......”

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少年白皙的脸颊上很快有了两行泪水，无声地一路滚下，滚入床单里。

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她的魂魄也跟随着一同无声地滚动，滚入一片漆黑里。

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她不禁陷入一段漫长又无谓的自我对话。

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为什么还活着？

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又是为了什么？

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始终都拥有不了什么，也成就不了什么。

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好像生来就为了一场荒唐。

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就为了一场虚无的绚烂。

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就为了演完一场无疾而终的悲剧。

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天空次第降下一道道惊雷，乌云的乌黑，无疑是路上有归属的人的愁，有时也会转换成怨。

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还好她没家了。不用拼命赶回去，也不用担心那个家了。

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身上的某一处化开了，又有什么东西流失了，她隐隐约约感觉到是很重要的东西，但又好像不属于她的，所以她没有将它们守护到最后的能力。

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“我们散了吧，好不好。”

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“喜欢我太辛苦了。”

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她原以为自己能狠心一点，不在他面前流一滴眼泪，可泪水还是不如她愿的在打转，很滚烫的，就如曾经两颗疯狂跳动的心脏、那份炙热又纯粹的情意，又如一道无意中相撞的目光，而如今纷纷成了凉薄的一句话，以冰冷熄灭了这份感情的火苗。

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1OBneGeqXi

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPmlzCz7gXg
171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXuQwbbZSYk

“谭昕薇，我爱你。” 陆辰惊慌地下床牵住她，一不小心起猛了，眼前一黑，跌坐在地。

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfq52DtsLd0

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3HEAvbMamK

她连忙扶稳他的双肩，眼睛在流泪，嘴角在笑，用最温柔的语气说了近乎残忍的话，“星星，我们该散了，我不想......”

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOcReFhJKDA

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgrcfRgzvBY

他不想听，立即打断她，委曲求全地缩在她怀里，“你抱抱我。”

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwOSzlLl6tk

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBHxmGKOw5a

“我真的很爱你。”

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171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡygvsIak0yv

“我爱你。”

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7SGOLZnagR

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDCyhBSwGsY

“我爱你。”

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkHFBH0X1IV

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPNcx14OjLu

“我爱你。”

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzNHM4uEYeZ

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqCeRlJoZUG

他反复说这三个字，一遍又一遍。

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171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwFJVA6wDIi

在此时此刻，他愿意盲目相信爱情可以战胜一切。

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCwxboLef4N

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtCcrpsIuc4

“我爱你、我爱你......”

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡurdHlcBMEB

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3IuYI6xKQX

少年伏在地上，双手紧紧攥住少女的手，声量越来越弱，用力声张的爱意仿佛失去了言语的重量，无法打动任何人。

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzs6QXgBY1a

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“下雨了。”

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171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO8WvKqJiOn

良久，少女说了三个字，但内容完全不是他想要听的。

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLiTSkdTJV8

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf9kXJ5qj1M

破旧的窗口被敲打得摇摇欲坠，雨滴很快就渗了进来，溅湿了一小块区域。

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGIx4MRkBZZ

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmATPiD4HZt

她想，有时候自己的爱就像这场滂沱大雨汹涌澎湃。

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡymrKSP1Sf8

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFOPyeGABbm

然而，对他而言，他虽不发一言，却把伞撑得很辛苦，默默承受一切。

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEpcZNl8YTl

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkbwU1dso9a

她爱人的方式是错的吗？

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM4RM6RVg6p

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHhjsOuYCJr

还是说，她爱错人了？

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQQvvtHEPaz

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7JLAWbpJ6H

也许吧，她不该去爱。

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW8lpYv1SrP

171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8eoH1hwGaX

她做不到尽心尽力去爱好一个人。

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171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5mG6WW7k6D

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