Its been about a month since I've seen Summer.
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She was no longer my therapist and I'd been permanently transferred over to a lady named Mrs. Davis. She was a kind soul, an older lady that'd been a psychologist for longer than i've been alive.
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My current relationship with Frankie was very confusing. We started hanging out more and she practically lived at my house now because of how often she stayed over. We weren't back together officially but I knew that's what she wanted and probably what my dad wanted too.
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I wasn't ready to be with her completely but she was a safety net. I knew she would always be there for me and cared about me so it felt right to be loyal to her, but something was stopping me from allowing myself to fully accept us being together.
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We haven't had sex since being "back together" and I could tell it was affecting her self esteem. It used to be an important part of our relationship in the past but honestly I couldn't think of doing anything worse. I wasn't in the mood recently and when I was I just felt guilty because images of Summer would flash in my head while I was with her.
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It wasn't on purpose, it just kind of happened. When it did, I'd tell her I'm tired or I was in my head too much. She eventually stopped trying to make a move on me and accepted it but not without showing her frustration.
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I wanted to tell her it wasn't her fault and she's a gorgeous amazing girl but I knew that would only be enough for a while.
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I knew this feeling would go away and I'd get over Summer but I wasn't sure when and it was starting to frustrate me. She was all I thought about everyday. It felt like I could only be distracted from thinking about her for a couple hours before she consumed my thoughts all over again. The only thing that really helped was being around other people and staying busy because when I was alone it only got worse.
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So I spent my time running the trail at the park she brought me to. I'd always hope I'd run into her one day but I haven't seen her around.
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Today was a Tuesday so I had a session with Mrs. Davis. When she called me in to her office I sat down on the cold leather chair across from her. Since changing counselors, I moved buildings completely and attended a location that was closer to my house. It was supposedly rated as one of the best offices in the region. It had a very minimalistic design with cold interior and modern art.
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Mrs. Davis was sweet and almost reminded me of my grandmother. She was very attentive to my tone and body language and because of that it was hard to lie to her.
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"Good afternoon Thomas, how are you feeling today?"
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"I'm doing okay. How about you?"
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"Everyday that I wake up is a good day." She says quoting the words on her green coffee mug. I gave her a warm smile.
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"So how are things going with you and your girlfriend Francesca?" I briefed her about Frankie on one of our first sessions but left the detail of Summer out of course.
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"Things are okay."
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"Define okay."She presses.
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"We hang out every day, things are okay."
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"You mentioned you two haven't had a sexual relationship since before the breakup, have you had a conversation with her about it?"
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"No, I just told her things are different now and I'm not sure I want us to rush into things."
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"Is that how you truly feel?"
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No. "Yes."
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"Hmm." She hummed cocking her head sideways analyzing me thoughtfully. "I think we should talk about your openness with your girlfriend. Do you feel comfortable opening up to her about personal feelings?"
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I shrugged not knowing.
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"You mentioned she was with you through your mom's death and that was around the time you broke up with her. Do you see yourself allowing that amount of vulnerability to her again?"
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"No."
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"Why do you think that is?"
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"I don't think I can physically allow myself to be completely comfortable with her again, at least not on that level. I can't explain why but I physically can't."
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"Is there something she's doing that's making you feel this way?"
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"It's not her, she's perfect actually which sucks because I know she deserves better. I just find it hard to fully let my guard down with her."
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"Is there anyone in your life that you feel like you can completely let your guard down with?"
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I hesitantly nodded thinking about her question.
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"What do they do that makes you feel you can trust them that Francesca fails to?"
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I shifted in my seat a little bit not prepared for that question. I sat in thought for a moment trying to figure out how to answer.
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"They believed in me and understood my pain at a level I don't think Frankie could."
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"Who is this person to you?" She looked slightly curious.
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"An old friend."
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She took a deep breath, letting there be a moment of silence between us. "I think if you truly feel like you can't allow yourself to be open with your girlfriend you might need to rethink if getting back together is what's best for you two." She leaned in closer crossing her legs.
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After the session I headed home, on the way back I picked up food from the burger joint because there was never food at home.
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"Hey Tommy, you want your regular?" The boy at the front knew me well enough to have my order memorized. "Actually, I'll take a number 7 with extra onions & pickles please."
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He put my order in and a few short minutes later I walked out with two bags. I got Frankie's regular order assuming she hasn't eaten either. I told her to meet me at my house after her class so we could study for our final. It was full on winter now and this was our last week of classes before break.
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The warm air hit my face once I walked through the front door and took my coat off.
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Frankie was in my bed splayed out with a face mask and robe. We've been practically living together for two weeks. She'd shower here, sleep here, study here. The only time she went home was to bring clothes back over or to show her face to her parents reminding them she was alive.
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"You got food?" She perked up adjusting her robe. I gave her the bag of food and put mine on the bed. I slid my shirt off in one motion and laid on the bed next to her.
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"How was class?" I asked biting into my fries.
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"So boring. I cannot wait until break, I think we might go to Jamaica."
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"Your family is always traveling, that sounds like a dream."
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"You know you're always welcome to come baby, it's all expenses paid." I scrunched my face at the word baby coming out of her mouth.
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"I want a bite of your burger." She pouted.
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"You won't like it."
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"We always get the same thing, why wouldn't I?"
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"I got extra onions this time." She cringed.
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"Ew. You hate onions, why would you get extra?"
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"It's the best part of a good burger."
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"No, you said yourself it ruins the flavor."
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"I had a change of heart." I concluded finishing my burger. I got up and hopped in the shower washing the day off. I expected her to be in her pajamas and face first in her laptop when I got out but she was still in her robe.
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"Everything okay?" I questioned her still laying in the same spot I left her. I walked up to my closet choosing a set of boxers and heard her get off of the bed.
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I turned around and she appeared suddenly behind me taking me by surprise. "Can we watch a movie or something I don't feel like studying tonight."
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"Sure, you can put something on."
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She walked up closer putting her palm on my chest. "We could always do something else." She whispered playing with the knot that held my towel up. I grab her hand before she could undo my towel and intertwine mine into them.
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"A movie sounds great." I said softly. She sighed and walked away from me. She grabbed a T shirt from my drawer and dropped her robe to the ground changing in front of me.
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That feeling of guilt crept in again and I felt horrible knowing my apathetic state was causing her to feel insecure. I went over to where she was standing and cupped my hands onto her face. She stood still, taken by surprise by my touch but didn't move away.
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"I know you're going through a lot but it doesn't even feel like you're even trying to make this work." She said.
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"I know." I shook my head. "I want things to work for us."
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" I won't wait forever."
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She moved away from my hand taking a step back.
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"I know."
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