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和喜歡Kelvin的女生進行了一場不愉快的對話後,我便到了學校門口會合Kelvin:「行得。」35Please respect copyright.PENANALp5g7FzQR4
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「咁耐嘅?」他問。35Please respect copyright.PENANA8kfpIIAg5P
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「嗯。」想要放鬆心情的我說:「不如今日去掃街,肚餓想食啲嘢。」35Please respect copyright.PENANABIdrOBTZ90
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「好阿。」Kelvin和我並肩而行。35Please respect copyright.PENANA8PgFwv7HgR
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這不是我第一次和Kelvin單獨放學,可是我的心情竟然緊張起來。35Please respect copyright.PENANAAYVveOOvHY
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自從被同學懷疑我和Kelvin、古榮的關係後,我的心便不再單純。35Please respect copyright.PENANAjo8uxkr9cT
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我開始思考,難道我對他們抱有愛情的感覺而沒有察覺?到底怎樣才算是愛情的喜歡?35Please respect copyright.PENANAFqK20AETbC
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我仔細打量Kelvin的側臉。他有一顆性感喉核、單眼皮、微卷頭髮、手臂有因為勤力做運動而得來的小肌肉、永遠不願穿得整齊的校服。35Please respect copyright.PENANAwIvwb3YRcw
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我第一次有這種想法——每天見面的Kelvin外型其實不錯,能夠和他去掃街真幸運。35Please respect copyright.PENANATV0lIE9ZDi
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人的想法很微妙,明明沒有事情發生過,我跟Kelvin本來就會相約一起放學和掃街,只因為幾句說話便能扭轉一個人的想法。35Please respect copyright.PENANADg1smleKRB
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想法塑造習慣,習慣就是生活。一個人的想法非常重要,光用腦袋便能改變自己對世界的觀感。難怪校長時常訓話,學生必需留意自己說話的用詞。35Please respect copyright.PENANAVDbp5Ts9FW
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爸爸吸毒後會有這種感覺嗎?生活過於苦悶無新意,對身邊本來平平無奇的東西,從無到有,誕生了快感。就像吃完精神鴉片,內心一陣飄飄然。35Please respect copyright.PENANA3yu01GuuJM
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「喂。」Kelvin打斷我的發情,還伸手摸摸我的額頭:「你係咪唔舒服?塊面咁紅嘅?」35Please respect copyright.PENANAbseQJjV4iv
35Please respect copyright.PENANAHjQDOaygrf
「咳咳⋯」我因為吞了一半的口水,嚇得狂咳。35Please respect copyright.PENANAPFN24qd5sb
35Please respect copyright.PENANA33q6QVbeQA
Kelvin拍拍我的背:「洗唔洗早啲返屋企休息?」35Please respect copyright.PENANAI3PFJhgY0p
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「唔洗。我吞口水唔小心瀆親姐。」35Please respect copyright.PENANAfzS7UQPPMJ
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「咁蠢嘅人都有,你陣間食燒賣小心啲。」說話一啖砂糖一啖屎是Kelvin的特色。35Please respect copyright.PENANAHwIO9wh7OH
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我站在Kelvin旁,一邊吃撈麵,一邊等待著我的芋圓鮮奶茶。35Please respect copyright.PENANAEQIlF2lJ4J
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腦中是各式各樣的幻想。35Please respect copyright.PENANAkUmSH6pup1
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如果我跟Kelvin談戀愛,會一直感受到這種飄飄然嗎?35Please respect copyright.PENANA4cStk5XPmn
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如果會,戀愛似乎不錯。35Please respect copyright.PENANA7f4ZgqKrV4
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「琴日睇新聞好爆阿,韓流巨星宣佈退出樂壇。」Kelvin說。35Please respect copyright.PENANA7AtfK0eb1f
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「係咩?我無留意。」我通常聽本地音樂,對外國音樂不熟悉。35Please respect copyright.PENANAY1XJ3fN4LH
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「原來佢做龜公,開間酒吧做毒竇,仲有堆明星朋友喺Group share落藥迷姦嘅片段,好痴線。」Kelvin說。35Please respect copyright.PENANAtRPSKreycn
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「咁癲?佢好似都幾紅。」35Please respect copyright.PENANAlZD7pLamS5
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「真係無樣睇。好彩你唔迷呢啲韓星。」35Please respect copyright.PENANAqJ1xMWqpfL
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「點解咁講?」我問。35Please respect copyright.PENANAtgu6iM5dGS
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「鐘意埋啲衣冠禽獸就傷心囉。」35Please respect copyright.PENANAeVkgEfQCZs
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「我問你一條問題阿。如果你識人吸毒,仲會唔會同佢做朋友?」Kelvin的話題讓想起我的爸爸。35Please respect copyright.PENANARs6SjwUTMu
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「唔會,我唔會接受。」35Please respect copyright.PENANAcAnh1x2Seo
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「如果係你朋友嘅屋企人吸毒呢?」35Please respect copyright.PENANAQxItmOStKv
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「咁就難講。」Kelvin說:「佢出入屋企品流複雜。我會盡最大努力幫佢,等佢唔好誤入歧途。」35Please respect copyright.PENANAk4ycaqQVMH
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我從來沒有嘗試幫助爸爸,鼓勵他離開黑社會:「屋企人吸毒,唔係朋友本人吸毒,唔代表會誤入歧途嘅。」35Please respect copyright.PENANAZXiojc001q
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想來爸爸也是身不由己賺錢還債,以他的能力除了保安、洗碗也沒有工作適合他,沒有站在他的立場勸喻也是種偽善。35Please respect copyright.PENANA5qgeCGj2P8
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「係好容易呀!如果你老竇喺房食冰隊草,你喺廳都會聞到啦,毒品喺你眼前,又會心郁郁想試。」35Please respect copyright.PENANAtdRLY4KblX
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「你唔係好鐘意幫人㗎咩?」35Please respect copyright.PENANAz5x9hUbpMF
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「阿婆行動不便,點可以相提並論!吸毒對我嚟講無咩討論空間!你話我歧視都係咁講,同賭錢一樣,無人拎住支槍迫佢,累己累人。幫過對方拒絕就算,連朋友都唔會做。留返俾專業嘅機構幫手。」35Please respect copyright.PENANA21iH3SYYva
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Kelvin的說話打破了我和他戀愛的幻想。跟正義的Kelvin坦白父親有吸毒習慣絕對是一件自掘墳墓的事。他會討厭我的家庭,管東管西,而需要倚賴父親生存的我在成年前也無法解決家庭背景的問題。35Please respect copyright.PENANABXo1cBLFX2
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他無意的批評讓我內心不舒服。我是受害者,也很討厭自己的家庭阿!可是家庭的影響一直都在,它就像一道封印在身上除不掉的詛咒。無論是自己、抑或他人,同樣避之則吉。35Please respect copyright.PENANADsmDsqpH4R
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我寧願沒有開口詢問,沉醉在五分鐘前的粉紅色泡泡裡。我忘記了我和Kelvin是對難以找到共識卻常常一起的朋友。現在的我失去了幻想,變得更自卑了。35Please respect copyright.PENANAaUMLF9m9AU
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我和Kelvin的關係並不穩固,他會隨時離棄我。35Please respect copyright.PENANAs3tLpRh70X
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婚姻的承諾都能推翻,更何況是乳臭未乾的戀愛。35Please respect copyright.PENANAHmcCrLoGQR
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「點解人係群體動物?點解人要互相來往?」我喃喃自語:「係自私,係計算?兩個人,一定係有利益先會走埋一齊。世界上根本冇無私嘅愛。」35Please respect copyright.PENANAzZJ17vjv2J
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「咁功利,一齊開心唔得咩?」35Please respect copyright.PENANA4820ottOpr
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「開心都係一種利益。可能對方人緣好,帶自己去認識朋友;可能係對方博學多才,學業上幫到自己;可能係自己孤單,想有人陪伴自己。總之就係因為利益開始,互相需要,到咗某一日,唔再幫到大家,就自然分開。」35Please respect copyright.PENANAV5IozEfhS2
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我為未發生的事情擔憂。35Please respect copyright.PENANApGdomGYTcf
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面對關係看得見的分岔,倒數著珍愛的關係終會消逝,無力感擴散。35Please respect copyright.PENANA3FGbLQ5F8r
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「你今日做咩事咁多愁善感?」35Please respect copyright.PENANAymzNebvcy3
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「無呀。」35Please respect copyright.PENANAzBb9AgzqC8
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「我知啦,思春期!中二病!」35Please respect copyright.PENANA2QqxVvB5qw
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「唔知呀!你話係就係啦。」35Please respect copyright.PENANAvsnKTxeXpk
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人生就是各種徒勞無功的零碎。35Please respect copyright.PENANAoEYoEaP1UC
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難過。35Please respect copyright.PENANAeLHOWtsvp7
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負能量者的思考法
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負能量者的思考法
Author:
花小姐
ISSUE #9
【八、幾句說話 // 徒勞無功的零碎】
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