the Was. of Jimmy McVonson - act one; division three: the peopl.place

pops dropped me off at the people place

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i didn’t want anyone to come in with me

i wanted to look like i didn’t have a family

not because i was embarrassed of pops

i loved him more than anything

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but i couldn’t handle the pressure

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and pops understood

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i went alone

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everybody else there seemed so

different to me

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we had to go around the circle and say our names

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i should use that grounding exercise!

5 things i can see

4 things i can touch

3 things i can hear

2 things i can smell

1 thing i can taste

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i sat next to someone who seemed

weird enough to be ok with me

a girl who introduced herself as ‘pandora’

she said she had four brothers

and a baby sister

she said she’s struggling with being the only girl

in her friend group

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i wanted to understand

but i couldn't get my head around it

i wouldn’t mind if i was the only boy

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i told the group

firmly that i would not be saying my name

and they

surprisingly

let me not do it

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when we were done with the boring part

people started talking to each other

in separate

smaller conversations

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i pretended to be thirsty

so i could get myself a cup of water

i wanted to be away from people

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pandora was getting water too

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“this is so awkward for me”

i admitted

under my breath

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“i know” she said

“i thought i would be good at this”

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“they’re all so ‘middle-class’” i chuckled

although i wasn’t sure

if i could say that

my mum and dad made quite a lot

to support me

…

but they weren’t snobby like these people

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she chuckled too

“pretending to be cis

“to a group of middle class cis people

“was more fun in my head”

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“what are cis people?”

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“y’know, people who aren’t trans”

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“you’re transgender?” i croaked

“i never would have known”

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“well, thanks

“i never would have known you were cis”

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i deserved that.

but i actually kind of liked it

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she saved me from my own mistake

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she was smiling

but i could see her hands were shaking

i wanted to make her feel safe

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“it’s pretty punk-rock of you”

i said, sipping my water

“being yourself, i mean”

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she took a big, slow sip

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“thanks for saying that, some people would disagree”

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“who?”

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she chuckled, dryly

"...family”

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“fuck family.”

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she spat her water back into the cup, laughing

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“you can’t say that! that’s so rude

“...not that i disagree”

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we stood

quietly

for some time

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then we both opened our mouths

“fuck society.”

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she couldn’t hide her smile now

and neither could i

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“is it human nature?” she said slowly

“that everyone

“at some point in their life

“has to do something they thought they never could

“and betray everyone they thought they ever loved?”

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“no?” i bubbled through my water

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she kept going

“do you think all humans are bound to their natural instincts?

“their biology

“can we say we have free will

“when our brains are just a mosaic

“of our parents and ancestors before us?”

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“you’re going too intellectual for me”

i said

“but seriously

“fuck nature.”

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“woah, there, buddy.

“you don’t want to get struck by lightning!”

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i shrugged it off

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“i don’t hate nature or anything

“i just think people blame too much of what they do on ‘human nature’

“that’s the thing about being human

“you get to decide what you’re going to do

“hopefully, based on what you think is right

“we’re not forced to be violent and selfish individualists

“that’s not even natural for humans-

“and yeah, men CAN control themselves.”

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pandora put her cup down

“so much for me being too smart for you”

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“i didn’t say smart, i said intellectual.”

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she nodded quietly

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then i spoke again

“pandora, you’re not bound by your biology.”

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“i know,” she murmured

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and she knew i wasn't talking about the betrayal this time...

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but then we both had to pee

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