幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
361Please respect copyright.PENANAPtBLQoCILb
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
361Please respect copyright.PENANAl7tUTTh5T3
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
361Please respect copyright.PENANALLGPJC3P0s
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
361Please respect copyright.PENANAY6qrwFw7Ua
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
361Please respect copyright.PENANAGZOKRMdvN8
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
361Please respect copyright.PENANAgN1a6eIwVT
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
361Please respect copyright.PENANAriYAoFiEaj
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。361Please respect copyright.PENANAGTflxHwZvE
361Please respect copyright.PENANADz5yyAq6hb
361Please respect copyright.PENANAjjMyYTSILI
361Please respect copyright.PENANALZvhW4Y0vo
世界觀:361Please respect copyright.PENANAqndfcMSBe9
361Please respect copyright.PENANABas3BDJwgf
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
361Please respect copyright.PENANAS5N7Coh11I
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
361Please respect copyright.PENANAtvuUIzokCO
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
361Please respect copyright.PENANAQfTsbDBimS
361Please respect copyright.PENANASw3w7IDGOj
劇情細節的提醒:361Please respect copyright.PENANAFrPcxBJtrl
361Please respect copyright.PENANA7FbiFcrEYs
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:361Please respect copyright.PENANAHlPEDWgn7Q
361Please respect copyright.PENANALJRRANh6GX
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。361Please respect copyright.PENANAZvOTBN0HtH
361Please respect copyright.PENANA14TyS0wIL9
參考網站:361Please respect copyright.PENANAI6np14tBFz
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html361Please respect copyright.PENANACAHcrSyNIt
361Please respect copyright.PENANARk6CLNPbjA
361Please respect copyright.PENANAChGCUwawwX
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。361Please respect copyright.PENANAhcsDandquA
361Please respect copyright.PENANAjV9AkFVmOO
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。361Please respect copyright.PENANANQVqvQ6J7v
361Please respect copyright.PENANAQJmjZP4Ohf
361Please respect copyright.PENANAj2Ws3ZQh39
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。361Please respect copyright.PENANAuxER3RKZ0V
361Please respect copyright.PENANApWlnlTk3MM
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角色:361Please respect copyright.PENANADKhFW9rqoy
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以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:361Please respect copyright.PENANA6ryJ4B20OZ
361Please respect copyright.PENANAb3OdYsu3uT
主角:俊明
361Please respect copyright.PENANA1e5B47RxbK
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)361Please respect copyright.PENANAmiupm1ughI
361Please respect copyright.PENANAVk38istGO3
主角現狀:遭人排擠
361Please respect copyright.PENANAZxRmdpo2EA
奉翊:361Please respect copyright.PENANALuXFf4tOhZ
不擅長飛行。361Please respect copyright.PENANASPNiIPhtwp
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。361Please respect copyright.PENANA252b4rH4rF
361Please respect copyright.PENANAd45mZ6k76t
361Please respect copyright.PENANALtiX1RFdOk
361Please respect copyright.PENANAUiPWeb2T65
對於角色整體的感想:361Please respect copyright.PENANABfqpXFFSGu
361Please respect copyright.PENANAZ7dYwefnqd
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。361Please respect copyright.PENANA8ayjHrGNBv
361Please respect copyright.PENANAgXS93lE4fk
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。361Please respect copyright.PENANAAr1uVjq0KJ
361Please respect copyright.PENANACFDWc5X5Wd
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:361Please respect copyright.PENANAgJvh91gXib
361Please respect copyright.PENANAmdWY9dZsu3
原作:361Please respect copyright.PENANAxuHXeyn0Px
361Please respect copyright.PENANAox3Eapyosy
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388361Please respect copyright.PENANAsJUB52SY4T
361Please respect copyright.PENANAxYwtpdmZc5
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)361Please respect copyright.PENANA2bWmZEVREt
361Please respect copyright.PENANAKiXIUq1019
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):361Please respect copyright.PENANAQtylBDn7X8
361Please respect copyright.PENANAjMhjwUlCau
調整後:361Please respect copyright.PENANAqt7WYbbZZL
361Please respect copyright.PENANAtjHopwrm7V
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。361Please respect copyright.PENANA0rP4LkAMIX
361Please respect copyright.PENANAaL99u97sA0
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。361Please respect copyright.PENANA76QpMMCGZw
361Please respect copyright.PENANAoTk9dPRSzs
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。361Please respect copyright.PENANAqtlVuD32lN
361Please respect copyright.PENANAH5xkCLqmth
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」361Please respect copyright.PENANAXxbTFLjUfe
361Please respect copyright.PENANADmvl2siR8G
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。361Please respect copyright.PENANAvpVVkvck7G
361Please respect copyright.PENANAJgucYJ0Ich
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:361Please respect copyright.PENANANNzwABKQ8c
361Please respect copyright.PENANA1a8E2g3qIU
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」361Please respect copyright.PENANAaIwTcNb2V1
361Please respect copyright.PENANAuSIRurziLi
查喀比茲?那是什麼?361Please respect copyright.PENANAUb4w9fBFdU
361Please respect copyright.PENANAoBxxKbwoRF
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:361Please respect copyright.PENANAGlShXRaDaI
361Please respect copyright.PENANAevRHiw3ZLw
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」361Please respect copyright.PENANAR4U2F8QfQa
361Please respect copyright.PENANAnnPOTmf6sU
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。361Please respect copyright.PENANAs5sXH3mX7f
361Please respect copyright.PENANAgvXBSSIpT3
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」361Please respect copyright.PENANAErv73V8pNj
361Please respect copyright.PENANAwByeqDqGIz
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。361Please respect copyright.PENANAhUVtrN6WNO
361Please respect copyright.PENANAgdBh24ZS6Z
他進一步解釋道:361Please respect copyright.PENANA25FZ38WL4b
361Please respect copyright.PENANAyYDeqCaZHD
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」361Please respect copyright.PENANA9ran0NEzkz
361Please respect copyright.PENANAenifnvi3FK
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:361Please respect copyright.PENANA0vUIT4YP4s
361Please respect copyright.PENANACzeDHHYmkQ
「查詢,查喀比茲。」361Please respect copyright.PENANAqaXZ61xSGF
361Please respect copyright.PENANApu8X375lsA
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。361Please respect copyright.PENANAqbbgWs1OKl
361Please respect copyright.PENANAdjbCIrEYbT
「──查無此項結果。」361Please respect copyright.PENANAxSsYLbMyPP
361Please respect copyright.PENANAWdGWrVRBLX
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。361Please respect copyright.PENANAwiVhiDap7G
361Please respect copyright.PENANA0V5fdkrQJI
「啊啊!」361Please respect copyright.PENANAOWEykx7zVH
361Please respect copyright.PENANAQidj4Kwz8I
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。361Please respect copyright.PENANAmFlYBbdqWQ
361Please respect copyright.PENANAaRPjWa1jOz
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」361Please respect copyright.PENANAZMqeEPCrvS
361Please respect copyright.PENANArF1lL5zZ0c
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:361Please respect copyright.PENANAwvNS76dqzC
361Please respect copyright.PENANADOf9ORfjas
查喀比茲。361Please respect copyright.PENANADeg3vInr4F
361Please respect copyright.PENANA6XkVi1mapm
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。361Please respect copyright.PENANAU1U8AUsYnr
361Please respect copyright.PENANAEse8vcxIIs
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。361Please respect copyright.PENANA9M4fvzigoP
361Please respect copyright.PENANAvyHXqXHYlV
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:361Please respect copyright.PENANASjRBfKjxPu
361Please respect copyright.PENANAuO5qvbwukS
「你、你、你……該不會──」361Please respect copyright.PENANALJD3YZTPtZ
361Please respect copyright.PENANAWnTYA2IVrB
「沒錯,我就是──」361Please respect copyright.PENANAIXRBnmpegE
361Please respect copyright.PENANAWXNf2JQqcO
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:361Please respect copyright.PENANALLRJsZmLQa
361Please respect copyright.PENANAQaKbe0mRdK
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」361Please respect copyright.PENANABxcvxACHrc
361Please respect copyright.PENANAII6nmOOSef
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:361Please respect copyright.PENANAtZUbHldrgK
361Please respect copyright.PENANAEiUo02sEn0
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」361Please respect copyright.PENANA7jhzjc6z40
361Please respect copyright.PENANAXhFLzJl7b2
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。361Please respect copyright.PENANAHFmHjGnMAp
361Please respect copyright.PENANAlf1RKz4T9s
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:361Please respect copyright.PENANAsa8mmRezSt
361Please respect copyright.PENANAnDK2nj3gf8
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」361Please respect copyright.PENANALQH8ecsqk3
361Please respect copyright.PENANAMpw1ccLbkL
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。361Please respect copyright.PENANApFpFj94jfT
361Please respect copyright.PENANAqTPnXiFZf2
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。361Please respect copyright.PENANAzKIpTXgdfa
361Please respect copyright.PENANAcRsoUyWciH
主線劇情:361Please respect copyright.PENANA2adAVDrz4Y
361Please respect copyright.PENANAzvoQxK2U1g
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。361Please respect copyright.PENANAnMu08i4oRf
361Please respect copyright.PENANAlIFsLKiNCA
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。361Please respect copyright.PENANAVmqbN6BcIv
361Please respect copyright.PENANA4GVQq5T17x
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。361Please respect copyright.PENANA0VHlEvB5eo
361Please respect copyright.PENANA5H38XoAfGP
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:361Please respect copyright.PENANA5kk5l0UzXl
361Please respect copyright.PENANA3ETXllPSDd
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)361Please respect copyright.PENANAUKupDlUor8
361Please respect copyright.PENANArlD9JXz7Oo
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)361Please respect copyright.PENANAYsGmSDkVrs
361Please respect copyright.PENANApm9utX6PS1
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)361Please respect copyright.PENANAAlnVkt3sm2
361Please respect copyright.PENANAj7DQBYiwse
361Please respect copyright.PENANAYhOhGYETpe
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。361Please respect copyright.PENANAlU6wfGmYdt
361Please respect copyright.PENANA3zfmdIT5C7
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:361Please respect copyright.PENANAzPadPF4z1G
361Please respect copyright.PENANAuZyjoXVlHB
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。361Please respect copyright.PENANAw7JWERAE4z
361Please respect copyright.PENANAXZ9weMlrDB
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。361Please respect copyright.PENANAoyf0mHADjg
361Please respect copyright.PENANAYwZkFp41DY
那麼差不多是這樣。361Please respect copyright.PENANAULSDE1J23m
361Please respect copyright.PENANAoHf24IoYwd
361Please respect copyright.PENANAmaU1FWM4LK
361Please respect copyright.PENANAcXsSE1syzm
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。361Please respect copyright.PENANAgPsK9vEXAs
361Please respect copyright.PENANAD0m391HM6d
總之加油吧。
361Please respect copyright.PENANAw8wtO5qcoJ
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
361Please respect copyright.PENANAp8xNKOpVZy
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
361Please respect copyright.PENANAUJSMo1e3sS
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
361Please respect copyright.PENANAl7sKGuwowl
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
361Please respect copyright.PENANAAOwNSOyrPr
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。361Please respect copyright.PENANAEvevl3qzZi
361Please respect copyright.PENANA5goJURPDdS
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」361Please respect copyright.PENANAsUFOJj6Vca
361Please respect copyright.PENANAdiGt6Fraja
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。361Please respect copyright.PENANAOChT7SlkN7
361Please respect copyright.PENANAXR3V3yCF5J
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:361Please respect copyright.PENANAhCmutWoM5y
361Please respect copyright.PENANA5wkuB9oNb2
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」361Please respect copyright.PENANARfgr3HKiqI
361Please respect copyright.PENANAxgl4UDV6p6
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
361Please respect copyright.PENANA1WAjY4Fs3W
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
361Please respect copyright.PENANAF9qtIOwnQg
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
361Please respect copyright.PENANAiCvHnLwUCG
主角:俊明361Please respect copyright.PENANASHIEdrtHe1
361Please respect copyright.PENANAQ3cjO1tzKX
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)361Please respect copyright.PENANA6Q14vsh3mP
361Please respect copyright.PENANA2i980pEs3Y
361Please respect copyright.PENANAbis5oGm5Hm
主角現狀:遭人排擠361Please respect copyright.PENANAGDJHivN4tm
361Please respect copyright.PENANADbsMdEO96z
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
361Please respect copyright.PENANA23shRYe4xP
有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。361Please respect copyright.PENANA3CDKuAeOyv
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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