幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
478Please respect copyright.PENANAYSkNomUW2B
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
478Please respect copyright.PENANAsE5vUNDM3b
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
478Please respect copyright.PENANAMdyKZ1gSxj
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
478Please respect copyright.PENANAX6egmeVIEn
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
478Please respect copyright.PENANAjufhoUjwMc
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
478Please respect copyright.PENANAqHdSe047WM
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
478Please respect copyright.PENANAU5fa3ANreu
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。478Please respect copyright.PENANAdzMObC2w3u
478Please respect copyright.PENANA7E1kEGAGnv
478Please respect copyright.PENANAnTIoZwZHuW
478Please respect copyright.PENANAp1HzYQDPxC
世界觀:478Please respect copyright.PENANAnaNY3QLL9U
478Please respect copyright.PENANA5jy8iex0z0
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
478Please respect copyright.PENANAbFuDxDa8E1
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
478Please respect copyright.PENANA4hSKUrJ3Qi
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
478Please respect copyright.PENANA1R7LchZN0D
478Please respect copyright.PENANAYDGk9JzIQu
劇情細節的提醒:478Please respect copyright.PENANANHOzTqiiCZ
478Please respect copyright.PENANA8dh423wqcO
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:478Please respect copyright.PENANAU6LvmKamYg
478Please respect copyright.PENANAxa9nMluRvT
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。478Please respect copyright.PENANAfkuPcox7D3
478Please respect copyright.PENANAkOgZLLw6Rl
參考網站:478Please respect copyright.PENANA2MrrRnF5Hh
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html478Please respect copyright.PENANAi4UBFdghm0
478Please respect copyright.PENANAoOn4MWVokG
478Please respect copyright.PENANAts0wn1k63s
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。478Please respect copyright.PENANAZSidd02fp0
478Please respect copyright.PENANAd2DYPBfS1Q
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。478Please respect copyright.PENANACWOUOy9NAo
478Please respect copyright.PENANAYkFTwkJJUT
478Please respect copyright.PENANAs65SJMSUEH
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。478Please respect copyright.PENANAmbVaFsghVt
478Please respect copyright.PENANAZs41HDvoAu
478Please respect copyright.PENANAfh5wqzVztM
角色:478Please respect copyright.PENANAmvIa1ldkx0
478Please respect copyright.PENANA73O4TSOcRT
以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:478Please respect copyright.PENANAzKgtFF4u3g
478Please respect copyright.PENANA1kIuAODmYs
主角:俊明
478Please respect copyright.PENANAcmfTq4fUwC
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)478Please respect copyright.PENANAo3WDdYMPnG
478Please respect copyright.PENANACKBoKDLPs9
主角現狀:遭人排擠
478Please respect copyright.PENANA2Z34piwQWw
奉翊:478Please respect copyright.PENANACWJ7ZGqwjl
不擅長飛行。478Please respect copyright.PENANAVHCRVHiGQB
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。478Please respect copyright.PENANAq1Ssi5GWVO
478Please respect copyright.PENANALUu50UQZzb
478Please respect copyright.PENANArr7WE6rZVC
478Please respect copyright.PENANA7aK2ckwNqf
對於角色整體的感想:478Please respect copyright.PENANA0xxLxDEVHn
478Please respect copyright.PENANAjlG22krcHd
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。478Please respect copyright.PENANAMIFJL7TJTU
478Please respect copyright.PENANAxV9MfJxvWY
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。478Please respect copyright.PENANAmVZ76hjK5s
478Please respect copyright.PENANAFPmltYjUEG
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:478Please respect copyright.PENANALiWAoVJxnc
478Please respect copyright.PENANAzfNg3EzCvr
原作:478Please respect copyright.PENANAetToJQXzk0
478Please respect copyright.PENANAuFho7aAHFy
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388478Please respect copyright.PENANADiRdaSpjgw
478Please respect copyright.PENANAegsKG0iRN1
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)478Please respect copyright.PENANA2Uoz4xg7ZG
478Please respect copyright.PENANAGaAxRjcLeC
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):478Please respect copyright.PENANAfEHtCqxPfv
478Please respect copyright.PENANAmiWKfc512n
調整後:478Please respect copyright.PENANAFxsL2UVU2f
478Please respect copyright.PENANARGrtSRhKPk
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。478Please respect copyright.PENANAbi74yAGwpQ
478Please respect copyright.PENANArFcUWIgx5V
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。478Please respect copyright.PENANApZEYioDMx2
478Please respect copyright.PENANALoytorQQvR
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。478Please respect copyright.PENANAwxAh4A6z8Q
478Please respect copyright.PENANAEVW9lFyjhN
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」478Please respect copyright.PENANAoYWRcYbzgZ
478Please respect copyright.PENANAbGE3zaTU40
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。478Please respect copyright.PENANAvsT3da41VP
478Please respect copyright.PENANArs0MojX72p
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:478Please respect copyright.PENANAu1z3zGbfJ0
478Please respect copyright.PENANA8CwTrmBlLt
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」478Please respect copyright.PENANA1HOq2w2EfF
478Please respect copyright.PENANAbaiQqq5wY2
查喀比茲?那是什麼?478Please respect copyright.PENANApZ2dp798z4
478Please respect copyright.PENANAfvc2irEseG
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:478Please respect copyright.PENANA2HDRPOZiet
478Please respect copyright.PENANAg24LrzchO5
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」478Please respect copyright.PENANA33nraHScDv
478Please respect copyright.PENANABTZxuPj8dy
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。478Please respect copyright.PENANAVfkDeOQ6pG
478Please respect copyright.PENANA3EVDgxnvHN
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」478Please respect copyright.PENANAlG4XBluHU0
478Please respect copyright.PENANAk8hBXyAAgY
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。478Please respect copyright.PENANAxqlvPNBnIZ
478Please respect copyright.PENANAb96weGhF8I
他進一步解釋道:478Please respect copyright.PENANA3qw79qWPfw
478Please respect copyright.PENANAfM431rm1VC
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」478Please respect copyright.PENANAc6wgOENR1f
478Please respect copyright.PENANAOWV3yXzf1T
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:478Please respect copyright.PENANAFDMvqXRMxd
478Please respect copyright.PENANAPsj3Gbdi1r
「查詢,查喀比茲。」478Please respect copyright.PENANAkrm423Tt9M
478Please respect copyright.PENANAHBUgMpBkkg
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。478Please respect copyright.PENANAs1vw9CM2dY
478Please respect copyright.PENANAcJgN8R7aPF
「──查無此項結果。」478Please respect copyright.PENANAUec2lwI5mq
478Please respect copyright.PENANAGK8gpkR0nB
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。478Please respect copyright.PENANAWMYUbNQqcb
478Please respect copyright.PENANA0NnY0xInHx
「啊啊!」478Please respect copyright.PENANAOPM5lKXILM
478Please respect copyright.PENANAnvE7v6daMK
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。478Please respect copyright.PENANAj8Oz7RUqJ2
478Please respect copyright.PENANAoP8ZpeOAul
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」478Please respect copyright.PENANAK6upHO3L7c
478Please respect copyright.PENANArTJkAB0DvD
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:478Please respect copyright.PENANAvIHRAC9Oee
478Please respect copyright.PENANAgvWxT1mBhw
查喀比茲。478Please respect copyright.PENANAx7KINknrP2
478Please respect copyright.PENANAA8j16Vtu3g
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。478Please respect copyright.PENANA6z4vn0RwJM
478Please respect copyright.PENANAC4Be239AZH
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。478Please respect copyright.PENANAa8XDMrnAew
478Please respect copyright.PENANACVkkg6rfgo
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:478Please respect copyright.PENANAMQcUbMrgLY
478Please respect copyright.PENANAbip1euqEmw
「你、你、你……該不會──」478Please respect copyright.PENANAkpjCAMszd7
478Please respect copyright.PENANAiFz96IxXCx
「沒錯,我就是──」478Please respect copyright.PENANA8aY8c32FDr
478Please respect copyright.PENANAcds6o0bt4b
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:478Please respect copyright.PENANAc4rKLLm29q
478Please respect copyright.PENANA7GRtsKBg6s
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」478Please respect copyright.PENANATDpuxJ1xfP
478Please respect copyright.PENANABANz1z0AyI
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:478Please respect copyright.PENANABOEF3qkIHf
478Please respect copyright.PENANA9KqxnPFwEO
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」478Please respect copyright.PENANAwWOqGx9RtW
478Please respect copyright.PENANADVmn5hLWjz
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。478Please respect copyright.PENANAVgJdPxjYGx
478Please respect copyright.PENANA9ZC0zvxcNq
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:478Please respect copyright.PENANADPvXs4yAak
478Please respect copyright.PENANAIPOW9shcGc
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」478Please respect copyright.PENANAQ0lyvA3uPu
478Please respect copyright.PENANAIFIbbXoyPl
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。478Please respect copyright.PENANAh6aXnPGrzU
478Please respect copyright.PENANAdR2Qv9Xyv3
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。478Please respect copyright.PENANAvUSupHtIqy
478Please respect copyright.PENANA9YSRnJtoVw
主線劇情:478Please respect copyright.PENANAGxD9gKhIJN
478Please respect copyright.PENANA8gObndd0g8
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。478Please respect copyright.PENANAke2avIDk2l
478Please respect copyright.PENANA61rcTC1hPE
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。478Please respect copyright.PENANAwtfMjmZbiI
478Please respect copyright.PENANAAKkJGp8maF
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。478Please respect copyright.PENANA3WNpbyFJx0
478Please respect copyright.PENANAyjrPUpnnuv
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:478Please respect copyright.PENANAsKQoImFQYg
478Please respect copyright.PENANAm9oLn8vz5f
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)478Please respect copyright.PENANAPcrEC4Z9H6
478Please respect copyright.PENANA5ziAD8HZLs
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)478Please respect copyright.PENANAlQ0X1NPWZj
478Please respect copyright.PENANA2UFTYMYuwd
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)478Please respect copyright.PENANAkQ5UFbgkDf
478Please respect copyright.PENANAmd1esMEyzw
478Please respect copyright.PENANA54KciPDSI9
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。478Please respect copyright.PENANAS7Jz3psnkZ
478Please respect copyright.PENANAlUWONvoU3I
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:478Please respect copyright.PENANA0GYvH9k3Li
478Please respect copyright.PENANAvofPo6ftCl
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。478Please respect copyright.PENANAj7RS8zC3oY
478Please respect copyright.PENANAkwtZUxiB1l
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。478Please respect copyright.PENANAZBQok2ne71
478Please respect copyright.PENANAvS0AAobZ8M
那麼差不多是這樣。478Please respect copyright.PENANAmGL6qtamyD
478Please respect copyright.PENANAgwBIhi0l5a
478Please respect copyright.PENANA7l1BsUZg8z
478Please respect copyright.PENANAXE9Mkj9Ckr
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。478Please respect copyright.PENANAf97q3jhRxa
478Please respect copyright.PENANAh0fFrdiPlb
總之加油吧。
478Please respect copyright.PENANA8gaKIrlWws
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
478Please respect copyright.PENANA7g2cSTnNze
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
478Please respect copyright.PENANArvuxZoNHch
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
478Please respect copyright.PENANAeyOders0IO
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
478Please respect copyright.PENANADCIPn19gkc
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。478Please respect copyright.PENANA8yoy8heq0p
478Please respect copyright.PENANAUplKq2RZQn
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」478Please respect copyright.PENANAGPiE8FcUEx
478Please respect copyright.PENANATlVPSo6Zkf
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。478Please respect copyright.PENANAuoKTxNTOac
478Please respect copyright.PENANA2mvi40Tqlv
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:478Please respect copyright.PENANAyYAGd58ydm
478Please respect copyright.PENANAvSQqzYeAgW
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」478Please respect copyright.PENANAx6T6i4jl7B
478Please respect copyright.PENANAcTisKb13Jj
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
478Please respect copyright.PENANA3YbOEQcoia
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
478Please respect copyright.PENANAsoorVKOz27
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
478Please respect copyright.PENANAqzFq1LyRD0
主角:俊明478Please respect copyright.PENANAiMqyTDc1jI
478Please respect copyright.PENANAjowFh5Bb4K
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)478Please respect copyright.PENANAP8dgjlSi9i
478Please respect copyright.PENANAdSpNXyuEO7
478Please respect copyright.PENANAppsWHOjVIG
主角現狀:遭人排擠478Please respect copyright.PENANApCVYV77MVV
478Please respect copyright.PENANAGpURb0UPjA
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
478Please respect copyright.PENANAfEUc51Yrge
有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。478Please respect copyright.PENANANJTpMYvMRt
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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