幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
149Please respect copyright.PENANAdIDejVd4MB
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
149Please respect copyright.PENANA6T59hxSqMA
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
149Please respect copyright.PENANAeNDfO4jyTx
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
149Please respect copyright.PENANAuhEi06hMsV
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
149Please respect copyright.PENANApNjuQLoq8O
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
149Please respect copyright.PENANAwiP3D2K2Sj
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
149Please respect copyright.PENANAtxWHfpVNk5
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。149Please respect copyright.PENANAhL2nZnQQpw
149Please respect copyright.PENANAA3BykL0JLD
149Please respect copyright.PENANAQXyE7kj3AA
149Please respect copyright.PENANAD0QnsjwSDk
世界觀:149Please respect copyright.PENANAnQE9d0XXLY
149Please respect copyright.PENANAUtUrAnXD8H
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
149Please respect copyright.PENANAdNW9H8jqD9
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
149Please respect copyright.PENANA1WrRrHQIf9
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
149Please respect copyright.PENANAK9SAEGYgL1
149Please respect copyright.PENANA5RDSj2mzG1
劇情細節的提醒:149Please respect copyright.PENANAXxwBe1dZDl
149Please respect copyright.PENANAD6ZBNQQZvj
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:149Please respect copyright.PENANAIGvMfbkHl2
149Please respect copyright.PENANAqssVCNiUf9
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。149Please respect copyright.PENANApoLv0rVobq
149Please respect copyright.PENANAVY2OXBElD0
參考網站:149Please respect copyright.PENANA0ofbE39Nhe
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html149Please respect copyright.PENANAPE24nUeBUr
149Please respect copyright.PENANAXSc3EeUCyX
149Please respect copyright.PENANANK9NWZp2W9
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。149Please respect copyright.PENANAKOK3W8t4Qo
149Please respect copyright.PENANALuIvmtwZDF
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。149Please respect copyright.PENANAoeBRGJxkhY
149Please respect copyright.PENANAur3bWTUoBy
149Please respect copyright.PENANABvzngdkXMS
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。149Please respect copyright.PENANAOvjzGKx7oK
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149Please respect copyright.PENANAewyWbA3r1H
角色:149Please respect copyright.PENANAW3iWPNiocC
149Please respect copyright.PENANA3wn2aosmv2
以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:149Please respect copyright.PENANAw94eCbKMK7
149Please respect copyright.PENANAlcsD2mwHD5
主角:俊明
149Please respect copyright.PENANAxeeesIfw2J
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)149Please respect copyright.PENANAqVVpcog7wU
149Please respect copyright.PENANAkiazFDBEJB
主角現狀:遭人排擠
149Please respect copyright.PENANASbhL5NictL
奉翊:149Please respect copyright.PENANAuPmD8kAsfp
不擅長飛行。149Please respect copyright.PENANACa8PoLzn0t
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。149Please respect copyright.PENANAT98hy3rf1n
149Please respect copyright.PENANAWraXMx9DZs
149Please respect copyright.PENANActWBmJogxw
149Please respect copyright.PENANAYYHDu4xUyu
對於角色整體的感想:149Please respect copyright.PENANABOjQ4V9PdA
149Please respect copyright.PENANA2JXZBgvTrv
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。149Please respect copyright.PENANAkVr7eE9rQq
149Please respect copyright.PENANAlY8IZlc30m
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。149Please respect copyright.PENANAKxqODI4eCd
149Please respect copyright.PENANAQ9F3V0F9rn
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:149Please respect copyright.PENANAq0olrBGHSH
149Please respect copyright.PENANAptbdA3wJsR
原作:149Please respect copyright.PENANADOcldxiucI
149Please respect copyright.PENANAvyCo2NRdu1
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388149Please respect copyright.PENANA3eD80axNhX
149Please respect copyright.PENANAMZxcGtDook
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)149Please respect copyright.PENANAPRLKqbN0Ao
149Please respect copyright.PENANAVq9rqY4zUC
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):149Please respect copyright.PENANAFZDdvcpgCj
149Please respect copyright.PENANAQUa1GIJiwe
調整後:149Please respect copyright.PENANAz5z3TmVjdg
149Please respect copyright.PENANAlJq2w8Xe2k
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。149Please respect copyright.PENANArVoxe8UWgN
149Please respect copyright.PENANAbkyLl67VHF
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。149Please respect copyright.PENANAMQBtZtQCun
149Please respect copyright.PENANAJsWrLa39L1
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。149Please respect copyright.PENANAklfgW9h4T8
149Please respect copyright.PENANAE6llSFWLC4
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」149Please respect copyright.PENANAJm9nnCHYn6
149Please respect copyright.PENANArYmhogFFke
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。149Please respect copyright.PENANASnVQ9sCIaW
149Please respect copyright.PENANAk2sPvrR9WS
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:149Please respect copyright.PENANAIYKFKH2Vu3
149Please respect copyright.PENANAIZfe3qtf77
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」149Please respect copyright.PENANAP17ukVs5JV
149Please respect copyright.PENANAaFQOFg0Bny
查喀比茲?那是什麼?149Please respect copyright.PENANA734vHb3uak
149Please respect copyright.PENANAV3WGzT1Y5Z
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:149Please respect copyright.PENANAJV2S6X7Gfj
149Please respect copyright.PENANAde0lP5dTmM
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」149Please respect copyright.PENANAdARKM5c4bE
149Please respect copyright.PENANAVzf9mVAk49
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。149Please respect copyright.PENANAxEHLZK3u6e
149Please respect copyright.PENANAaTHSzYXGvN
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」149Please respect copyright.PENANA49l7TgjquB
149Please respect copyright.PENANA6KOY5JLk1G
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。149Please respect copyright.PENANAKIjeuTIVa7
149Please respect copyright.PENANA2sxHT62uIV
他進一步解釋道:149Please respect copyright.PENANASxCs84tsoy
149Please respect copyright.PENANAGAsoZw7NSf
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」149Please respect copyright.PENANA4kVjp15I0k
149Please respect copyright.PENANAi3DVdEKZjc
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:149Please respect copyright.PENANAvXXPNQWBKj
149Please respect copyright.PENANALWC4kNUJ7n
「查詢,查喀比茲。」149Please respect copyright.PENANAGJynx3wwke
149Please respect copyright.PENANABIru29ffAL
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。149Please respect copyright.PENANA5dEew6mQSM
149Please respect copyright.PENANAPE7KIAEQ5M
「──查無此項結果。」149Please respect copyright.PENANADoFlwx08Sm
149Please respect copyright.PENANAmjJHttKLrM
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。149Please respect copyright.PENANAQEMUq3DVBO
149Please respect copyright.PENANAL8rRkYJO1N
「啊啊!」149Please respect copyright.PENANAER9nQMsjfJ
149Please respect copyright.PENANAtorO5WhO10
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。149Please respect copyright.PENANAY5QHeGeAHH
149Please respect copyright.PENANAgVhf7ZUPkE
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」149Please respect copyright.PENANA13IpxGAMNR
149Please respect copyright.PENANAYnNuPcdTs6
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:149Please respect copyright.PENANApYp3otc9oj
149Please respect copyright.PENANAkKeZDreZXu
查喀比茲。149Please respect copyright.PENANAqMIRdyU203
149Please respect copyright.PENANA8XgMw54PzJ
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。149Please respect copyright.PENANAqxJJQImMly
149Please respect copyright.PENANAuhXAHF1paK
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。149Please respect copyright.PENANAFRZY6P4Ovl
149Please respect copyright.PENANAH0rvKwitNH
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:149Please respect copyright.PENANAdGwIGYd2Op
149Please respect copyright.PENANARXYhm5VQW6
「你、你、你……該不會──」149Please respect copyright.PENANAvMv6MH76po
149Please respect copyright.PENANAUZC96FJspY
「沒錯,我就是──」149Please respect copyright.PENANAWudHBXDox4
149Please respect copyright.PENANAtB6SMgqTww
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:149Please respect copyright.PENANAIueRTrd4cO
149Please respect copyright.PENANAGNL747EOxL
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」149Please respect copyright.PENANAAioUOUFEs1
149Please respect copyright.PENANAYMi6IoWvwn
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:149Please respect copyright.PENANAFkPJMOxYjJ
149Please respect copyright.PENANAaKqt0oxMn4
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」149Please respect copyright.PENANAmAidoz7t6g
149Please respect copyright.PENANAtAW6XhVJpI
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。149Please respect copyright.PENANAl4XtF8dlxp
149Please respect copyright.PENANAXNDQZJAlto
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:149Please respect copyright.PENANAPygUid0tuf
149Please respect copyright.PENANA5NTrkfEjJu
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」149Please respect copyright.PENANAhXZynAZBu3
149Please respect copyright.PENANA7xZO1OGuTG
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。149Please respect copyright.PENANA2EMD8hOvCB
149Please respect copyright.PENANAyAAfFMawxr
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。149Please respect copyright.PENANAo1xpGj4HJ0
149Please respect copyright.PENANAXyfVuZGnJV
主線劇情:149Please respect copyright.PENANAWiPi4ocgj0
149Please respect copyright.PENANAMxcWt9OjZE
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。149Please respect copyright.PENANAEU7kYZnyN9
149Please respect copyright.PENANAiFN5ERXwx1
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。149Please respect copyright.PENANAGuBzJiEsvs
149Please respect copyright.PENANAQZfFrvW2jy
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。149Please respect copyright.PENANAg1R8l4ZvcZ
149Please respect copyright.PENANAETU1I1qate
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:149Please respect copyright.PENANAHkenQtV3Jg
149Please respect copyright.PENANAfFE1Qxgn89
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)149Please respect copyright.PENANA6gGurGqIi9
149Please respect copyright.PENANAqGLx23Mbrl
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)149Please respect copyright.PENANAnUelojRGjK
149Please respect copyright.PENANAek2RWA5iXF
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)149Please respect copyright.PENANAOXvzmYb809
149Please respect copyright.PENANAe8qXPANCTg
149Please respect copyright.PENANASa5CCHtVTy
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。149Please respect copyright.PENANACW6IKg0CV1
149Please respect copyright.PENANABJ9bbwBvRE
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:149Please respect copyright.PENANA7uazHcruVr
149Please respect copyright.PENANATOXCwHfDiw
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。149Please respect copyright.PENANAAuJ7BnkVfA
149Please respect copyright.PENANA4YStAjbOVv
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。149Please respect copyright.PENANALdHIKzPcMD
149Please respect copyright.PENANA0Lm7mrEGLu
那麼差不多是這樣。149Please respect copyright.PENANAmYTjnYcDGV
149Please respect copyright.PENANAD8lMwzcECg
149Please respect copyright.PENANAZ666uTA3Rm
149Please respect copyright.PENANAWlMZmHdaEQ
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。149Please respect copyright.PENANAGsEYqi2ddo
149Please respect copyright.PENANAVJKvxFkxBs
總之加油吧。
149Please respect copyright.PENANAPj4Q7wdJQr
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
149Please respect copyright.PENANAUza4ryQklS
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
149Please respect copyright.PENANAiMEUORalkO
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
149Please respect copyright.PENANAs3NaLr548q
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
149Please respect copyright.PENANAoWDCz9WzDT
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。149Please respect copyright.PENANADzGMv70wd6
149Please respect copyright.PENANA8FNV5UkPU1
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」149Please respect copyright.PENANAmzAW5osGer
149Please respect copyright.PENANA932iNoNVmj
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。149Please respect copyright.PENANAo1Mt7aBdDs
149Please respect copyright.PENANAzzkS7GrVKZ
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:149Please respect copyright.PENANA9AfYSrkTwj
149Please respect copyright.PENANAD3uf68q94w
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」149Please respect copyright.PENANAGHYHx9iu0a
149Please respect copyright.PENANADTOX54vQPg
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
149Please respect copyright.PENANAY5wYRLcOzm
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
149Please respect copyright.PENANAhSRT8iugm1
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
149Please respect copyright.PENANAHeDW9RZTmd
主角:俊明149Please respect copyright.PENANAdxqn8zeIm0
149Please respect copyright.PENANAR7eK1BM3aG
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)149Please respect copyright.PENANAd44MUs6gYV
149Please respect copyright.PENANAgynKLgRrLN
149Please respect copyright.PENANAENIAXSl3Fa
主角現狀:遭人排擠149Please respect copyright.PENANAAO4tEQBis6
149Please respect copyright.PENANA5smKTpJ6OK
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
149Please respect copyright.PENANA9r90vlDC3m
有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。149Please respect copyright.PENANAk9BJoAqeVo
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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