幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
419Please respect copyright.PENANAp9RWluJVTt
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
419Please respect copyright.PENANAERVwuYNalJ
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
419Please respect copyright.PENANA4QRjIbAHl0
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
419Please respect copyright.PENANAFgow5wj4DX
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
419Please respect copyright.PENANA3iUOE5yMtA
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
419Please respect copyright.PENANAVBo1KlzuSa
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
419Please respect copyright.PENANA25SaXEfNVw
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。419Please respect copyright.PENANAr90VOZ4VPH
419Please respect copyright.PENANAjx0UCgHTyU
419Please respect copyright.PENANA1WbbRrxJqF
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世界觀:419Please respect copyright.PENANAlluGEyJp36
419Please respect copyright.PENANAPEIaPyNUCS
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
419Please respect copyright.PENANA14alHwDC0T
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
419Please respect copyright.PENANAtjhGTW1doV
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
419Please respect copyright.PENANAmvAJgVhWzi
419Please respect copyright.PENANABC3lXxfFPA
劇情細節的提醒:419Please respect copyright.PENANAUbqfom8BEY
419Please respect copyright.PENANA8vKDkFyjfr
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:419Please respect copyright.PENANAKO9L6iVHrl
419Please respect copyright.PENANAajwNm5ctTo
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。419Please respect copyright.PENANAheTgIM0qui
419Please respect copyright.PENANAiVVSJuBObM
參考網站:419Please respect copyright.PENANALhHbVR9opR
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html419Please respect copyright.PENANAt5c1h1U0SQ
419Please respect copyright.PENANApaQQgXU5eC
419Please respect copyright.PENANAIC3PHfVqxo
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。419Please respect copyright.PENANAFRfXQkfECD
419Please respect copyright.PENANAAd9xv2VMO6
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。419Please respect copyright.PENANAZ9JVZ0ro8e
419Please respect copyright.PENANA8epNnCXvKS
419Please respect copyright.PENANAUDMTqKGtTv
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。419Please respect copyright.PENANAEgOBDw3lTQ
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角色:419Please respect copyright.PENANAGB9cn8PvJw
419Please respect copyright.PENANAh2RQxNKac2
以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:419Please respect copyright.PENANA63bhTOyppo
419Please respect copyright.PENANACP07ZChyro
主角:俊明
419Please respect copyright.PENANAA71HwXFVgb
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)419Please respect copyright.PENANADGYCmeRQzK
419Please respect copyright.PENANABDkjM5w7M1
主角現狀:遭人排擠
419Please respect copyright.PENANAvRk9DznPtu
奉翊:419Please respect copyright.PENANA4eDx0FzJcJ
不擅長飛行。419Please respect copyright.PENANAy6103NP5Bn
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。419Please respect copyright.PENANAqV8mvyNI0d
419Please respect copyright.PENANAaODJF5dqik
419Please respect copyright.PENANAf562CEjY5E
419Please respect copyright.PENANAmmVtsnIykC
對於角色整體的感想:419Please respect copyright.PENANA72k67yTRgH
419Please respect copyright.PENANA3JtNZNq8S5
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。419Please respect copyright.PENANA5Q1WxUWCrp
419Please respect copyright.PENANA18zM5usIEN
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。419Please respect copyright.PENANA4skm2Z0WKG
419Please respect copyright.PENANAejyUWcdwmn
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:419Please respect copyright.PENANAp4GRIW5D94
419Please respect copyright.PENANAnNo0HBkloz
原作:419Please respect copyright.PENANAo8HKMZwQHg
419Please respect copyright.PENANAWu9Jeebwu2
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388419Please respect copyright.PENANA7aAoGPEqxD
419Please respect copyright.PENANAHB41oSBhAO
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)419Please respect copyright.PENANAO1P23z5LGJ
419Please respect copyright.PENANAT9a4YiVi3L
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):419Please respect copyright.PENANAJphfqsKlmd
419Please respect copyright.PENANAWZcoSxZzeB
調整後:419Please respect copyright.PENANA19pYCmSol9
419Please respect copyright.PENANAUlCc4JKDBn
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。419Please respect copyright.PENANAW7vMWQGnVj
419Please respect copyright.PENANANMv7RM8EII
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。419Please respect copyright.PENANA8SR0FE3vHF
419Please respect copyright.PENANA3lyPD6SmLM
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。419Please respect copyright.PENANAEotshiDiow
419Please respect copyright.PENANA7Nno0vJP63
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」419Please respect copyright.PENANAjZtJTAzqsK
419Please respect copyright.PENANA4KyrS1Y30A
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。419Please respect copyright.PENANAaCGUgSoGpo
419Please respect copyright.PENANAdutx8t3myB
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:419Please respect copyright.PENANAsuKNb5pm8y
419Please respect copyright.PENANA8RmBp9iCGY
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」419Please respect copyright.PENANA0DiC110XNj
419Please respect copyright.PENANAYyVJBNtAE9
查喀比茲?那是什麼?419Please respect copyright.PENANAZ7zoNUw53G
419Please respect copyright.PENANAReysTcYE4b
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:419Please respect copyright.PENANAMi5ed6QHG4
419Please respect copyright.PENANAi31zrVkS2N
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」419Please respect copyright.PENANAyTIZij2qQp
419Please respect copyright.PENANAVVwY3hbihA
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。419Please respect copyright.PENANAlX3ZtAKMty
419Please respect copyright.PENANAKDM8AILMfH
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」419Please respect copyright.PENANAeH9XHG95fB
419Please respect copyright.PENANAeajIzjgGSB
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。419Please respect copyright.PENANAxFNZleF7HB
419Please respect copyright.PENANAAkgSwszNJS
他進一步解釋道:419Please respect copyright.PENANAbQ8xzQSHTu
419Please respect copyright.PENANAhonwtbqsBJ
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」419Please respect copyright.PENANAbkECsKEXAP
419Please respect copyright.PENANA0XpmV7Hxb3
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:419Please respect copyright.PENANAInCO7W71NY
419Please respect copyright.PENANAXQikGUY9fE
「查詢,查喀比茲。」419Please respect copyright.PENANAacBnHTFHnd
419Please respect copyright.PENANApIw1MMN9yJ
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。419Please respect copyright.PENANAR9dHwsA71T
419Please respect copyright.PENANAAcVQv2sbfg
「──查無此項結果。」419Please respect copyright.PENANASsyQwTLagR
419Please respect copyright.PENANACuF0ukDRR0
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。419Please respect copyright.PENANAwxUBtYQJCo
419Please respect copyright.PENANA09WvfthPNI
「啊啊!」419Please respect copyright.PENANAP3hsuLElii
419Please respect copyright.PENANAU1hW2QEZSS
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。419Please respect copyright.PENANAVCz8wdZjlN
419Please respect copyright.PENANA2QCVJY1Xl2
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」419Please respect copyright.PENANA5lA4Pn9iPG
419Please respect copyright.PENANAHm4DgcSksr
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:419Please respect copyright.PENANA9XJahEPebF
419Please respect copyright.PENANAioSXy7d3CO
查喀比茲。419Please respect copyright.PENANAG7BjduTBro
419Please respect copyright.PENANA7wqcYw245a
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。419Please respect copyright.PENANAY7EJO7XKe0
419Please respect copyright.PENANArMCS89SLsK
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。419Please respect copyright.PENANAyWlyJqV8vI
419Please respect copyright.PENANADzjJ1CQU4L
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:419Please respect copyright.PENANAlDFgV0hDwZ
419Please respect copyright.PENANAwySWZlibub
「你、你、你……該不會──」419Please respect copyright.PENANAJUvVZLFJsk
419Please respect copyright.PENANAjdEIKN41rK
「沒錯,我就是──」419Please respect copyright.PENANA5eKb8r6NZ8
419Please respect copyright.PENANAzrMKCq4xhs
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:419Please respect copyright.PENANAeTXDIDLOHO
419Please respect copyright.PENANA7lsvs8cfAp
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」419Please respect copyright.PENANAMQzU0lScAn
419Please respect copyright.PENANAeGEi4wn3VQ
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:419Please respect copyright.PENANAx5c7SOHWA7
419Please respect copyright.PENANAB373RalGdM
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」419Please respect copyright.PENANAgyaq7aNmlO
419Please respect copyright.PENANAFHjzsuKRAW
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。419Please respect copyright.PENANAyLwvhWj6xM
419Please respect copyright.PENANANZu8NthtLI
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:419Please respect copyright.PENANAPyGvjFsjWy
419Please respect copyright.PENANApNWBd3Atxj
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」419Please respect copyright.PENANASj4qaKunCr
419Please respect copyright.PENANAi75qLBKKQO
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。419Please respect copyright.PENANAlwsfGxI1Tb
419Please respect copyright.PENANAlH3QFNnziH
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。419Please respect copyright.PENANAxr3qU1l6Qi
419Please respect copyright.PENANAZdkSpUTIC1
主線劇情:419Please respect copyright.PENANATRUANxoQNB
419Please respect copyright.PENANAMbGQzvqntH
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。419Please respect copyright.PENANA62wZFsnMEL
419Please respect copyright.PENANAZ1VaTL53wQ
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。419Please respect copyright.PENANAAxPkdROiLT
419Please respect copyright.PENANAHetV2J01WZ
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。419Please respect copyright.PENANANUsjQ7eDFk
419Please respect copyright.PENANAD2oIVVDy6A
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:419Please respect copyright.PENANALqmu49W5DY
419Please respect copyright.PENANADrl3AzwMYo
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)419Please respect copyright.PENANALGhxo9rjpJ
419Please respect copyright.PENANANOJyH7xEJ7
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)419Please respect copyright.PENANAgfRFfDK1JT
419Please respect copyright.PENANAH0KN4sFBRv
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)419Please respect copyright.PENANAf8ZDdajTxU
419Please respect copyright.PENANAF9uwsRr32J
419Please respect copyright.PENANAjp1e5K6KC8
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。419Please respect copyright.PENANAGyNvtmfR9x
419Please respect copyright.PENANAlSVBCLH3VG
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:419Please respect copyright.PENANAI1sCqSZEog
419Please respect copyright.PENANAW4bwmpBELM
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。419Please respect copyright.PENANAhDk4s0q4A8
419Please respect copyright.PENANARHBVmYQGEz
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。419Please respect copyright.PENANAdDlkG53Iad
419Please respect copyright.PENANAB1bMLaFOYc
那麼差不多是這樣。419Please respect copyright.PENANAitrEQKXGWd
419Please respect copyright.PENANAwg8Mocn7LT
419Please respect copyright.PENANARcOgD9VvmH
419Please respect copyright.PENANAZsSiCtUa21
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。419Please respect copyright.PENANAkED0i2NfBY
419Please respect copyright.PENANAe5JnKYfPXt
總之加油吧。
419Please respect copyright.PENANAVmFrlu1bve
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
419Please respect copyright.PENANAPgp5CXc7Uh
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
419Please respect copyright.PENANAPkeQaOjufC
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
419Please respect copyright.PENANA7wpIesKSk5
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
419Please respect copyright.PENANAbqvxdMMuzF
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。419Please respect copyright.PENANAWirYH2IEhm
419Please respect copyright.PENANArUvPHCiNs5
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」419Please respect copyright.PENANAL1AgBHEjkP
419Please respect copyright.PENANAbRV0Vdkxna
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。419Please respect copyright.PENANAVeEpWJm433
419Please respect copyright.PENANA69z2tUSn1A
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:419Please respect copyright.PENANAF37dNIcsVw
419Please respect copyright.PENANAV8wcfwo8p2
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」419Please respect copyright.PENANAGu8UiurHZb
419Please respect copyright.PENANA1SQ9RWzIEY
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
419Please respect copyright.PENANAwy0lCIlcbV
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
419Please respect copyright.PENANA8cRQINjCk5
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
419Please respect copyright.PENANA2lEsq9aon7
主角:俊明419Please respect copyright.PENANAPcPi8Nec8N
419Please respect copyright.PENANA5B44k0r8IZ
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)419Please respect copyright.PENANAr5zRysb5tG
419Please respect copyright.PENANAchtUxBcsP6
419Please respect copyright.PENANAGPj11PABcN
主角現狀:遭人排擠419Please respect copyright.PENANA2XBP4eltKp
419Please respect copyright.PENANA8A2RiFdSpI
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
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有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。419Please respect copyright.PENANARvUji5G4N5
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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