幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
706Please respect copyright.PENANA32DliQXlT9
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
706Please respect copyright.PENANAjPi7FP5b9C
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
706Please respect copyright.PENANA5TjAK5JSww
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
706Please respect copyright.PENANA6lE9KEc7zs
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
706Please respect copyright.PENANA5RWM2MqNEu
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
706Please respect copyright.PENANAMdArFfQZbK
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
706Please respect copyright.PENANAmRUbQeFpHV
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。706Please respect copyright.PENANAENPDZ1UZhE
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世界觀:706Please respect copyright.PENANAZtKzF3Dnc5
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本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
706Please respect copyright.PENANAa3GuSElpMv
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
706Please respect copyright.PENANADk9pZ6P5IX
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
706Please respect copyright.PENANAZqknVM69u6
706Please respect copyright.PENANAdYuiQ4yiyg
劇情細節的提醒:706Please respect copyright.PENANAYAaaIMbSve
706Please respect copyright.PENANAK2sjhsaA3i
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:706Please respect copyright.PENANACp4swpCL86
706Please respect copyright.PENANAZwwUEMfLKA
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。706Please respect copyright.PENANAMXhegRoIoU
706Please respect copyright.PENANArPNsiPkj2T
參考網站:706Please respect copyright.PENANAMlyqhJiolh
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html706Please respect copyright.PENANABswfBkMUzy
706Please respect copyright.PENANAc4dzi65NDQ
706Please respect copyright.PENANAAWVPBjh2Bl
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。706Please respect copyright.PENANAx3d21tUaNj
706Please respect copyright.PENANA5jkkwclElx
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。706Please respect copyright.PENANAwtuk4vI4y4
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c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。706Please respect copyright.PENANAZyj9TJi5Rp
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角色:706Please respect copyright.PENANApf4aFhkySh
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以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:706Please respect copyright.PENANAPLhUQPW2Mg
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主角:俊明
706Please respect copyright.PENANAnAigrwARNd
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)706Please respect copyright.PENANA89yPw4y67k
706Please respect copyright.PENANAZLNIFC2WZN
主角現狀:遭人排擠
706Please respect copyright.PENANAAx4MqRuLRK
奉翊:706Please respect copyright.PENANAXC5RsKS14v
不擅長飛行。706Please respect copyright.PENANALNT8vfY9kW
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。706Please respect copyright.PENANAhX5IcduIrx
706Please respect copyright.PENANAYuXKTPVuFR
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對於角色整體的感想:706Please respect copyright.PENANAtxRqPefIf1
706Please respect copyright.PENANACAHck5PSY2
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。706Please respect copyright.PENANAj30Y08gSTr
706Please respect copyright.PENANAsg2ccL1WWH
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。706Please respect copyright.PENANAQoc2Tc7wNk
706Please respect copyright.PENANASgG1OWv6Zm
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:706Please respect copyright.PENANAQTFgjrCAqN
706Please respect copyright.PENANAvWDgei5HxV
原作:706Please respect copyright.PENANAqqGqYqS8r4
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俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388706Please respect copyright.PENANAFgoSBgIGfI
706Please respect copyright.PENANAI4jdaARLpk
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)706Please respect copyright.PENANA1tuTndQcvG
706Please respect copyright.PENANAYnAYHsphrR
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):706Please respect copyright.PENANAsPxD3FC0XV
706Please respect copyright.PENANAOXsjqngmCI
調整後:706Please respect copyright.PENANAUNH5Ktumug
706Please respect copyright.PENANAQTzzcGfN69
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。706Please respect copyright.PENANAklYex8gmCm
706Please respect copyright.PENANAlQD96oRukg
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。706Please respect copyright.PENANAHdAOCTvGTG
706Please respect copyright.PENANApW7Y5OJ16k
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。706Please respect copyright.PENANAl4Xgvh1OOT
706Please respect copyright.PENANAaGbEijhGJO
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」706Please respect copyright.PENANAgZ1D6gY8Bp
706Please respect copyright.PENANApCmGEFXHJh
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。706Please respect copyright.PENANA8xtg2wKlss
706Please respect copyright.PENANAu1lEKXFWeM
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:706Please respect copyright.PENANAafj6ntatGy
706Please respect copyright.PENANAO4Hw3PuP3h
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」706Please respect copyright.PENANACbvUlHwJqc
706Please respect copyright.PENANA15084Vehx2
查喀比茲?那是什麼?706Please respect copyright.PENANAg1zmZAVBoC
706Please respect copyright.PENANAjYsSEsxpXW
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:706Please respect copyright.PENANArhsXyoJrUs
706Please respect copyright.PENANAItRP9skbOn
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」706Please respect copyright.PENANAXPWHNMzyGv
706Please respect copyright.PENANAQUZHoDrWEF
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。706Please respect copyright.PENANAUNHsVwQN8l
706Please respect copyright.PENANAfhbEOZLPpE
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」706Please respect copyright.PENANAXMN2V0cw25
706Please respect copyright.PENANAOC1NS6DaGh
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。706Please respect copyright.PENANAHgeLzWFq1i
706Please respect copyright.PENANAfbUe98Yb0G
他進一步解釋道:706Please respect copyright.PENANAD7qzUxcRfF
706Please respect copyright.PENANA0WmuBA8bI6
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」706Please respect copyright.PENANAZKMvw6xRms
706Please respect copyright.PENANAoNb4ILF0Jq
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:706Please respect copyright.PENANAON1ZGnsXxX
706Please respect copyright.PENANAx8WCjLVFJ6
「查詢,查喀比茲。」706Please respect copyright.PENANAa2QX0Xmpxr
706Please respect copyright.PENANAFcwfcbAO3A
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。706Please respect copyright.PENANAgocJbSbW0V
706Please respect copyright.PENANAfZWFspb9dl
「──查無此項結果。」706Please respect copyright.PENANASjqrrTMT5S
706Please respect copyright.PENANAcDNlfmZEGd
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。706Please respect copyright.PENANAo2sYw5SLhz
706Please respect copyright.PENANAOus6CJ860c
「啊啊!」706Please respect copyright.PENANAj3tQzgBg8f
706Please respect copyright.PENANA5amqjee2Y3
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。706Please respect copyright.PENANAKGnHsMzDRg
706Please respect copyright.PENANARxAc7gHd0t
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」706Please respect copyright.PENANAzy1d69V4QT
706Please respect copyright.PENANAzd5PXYscZP
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:706Please respect copyright.PENANAS6F7dfonFb
706Please respect copyright.PENANAqvGpzasP8e
查喀比茲。706Please respect copyright.PENANASttSmdW0Uj
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給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。706Please respect copyright.PENANAbqQwzdih1T
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螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。706Please respect copyright.PENANAOUvyDBc1rd
706Please respect copyright.PENANAZ1uztovDIh
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:706Please respect copyright.PENANAq1DU8T4zf2
706Please respect copyright.PENANARNtllTfYlV
「你、你、你……該不會──」706Please respect copyright.PENANADMsNdw2ak2
706Please respect copyright.PENANAWaneBCImS3
「沒錯,我就是──」706Please respect copyright.PENANAJJw83h9ZcP
706Please respect copyright.PENANAYZ5Ts7vMOO
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:706Please respect copyright.PENANA35xU6M1RMz
706Please respect copyright.PENANA0WpSjSNnQC
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」706Please respect copyright.PENANAVjhfaeZMpl
706Please respect copyright.PENANAxDjZBgRWZv
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:706Please respect copyright.PENANAbye06VqjuP
706Please respect copyright.PENANA0Y6Q0z70hu
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」706Please respect copyright.PENANAqDFlY6gwWW
706Please respect copyright.PENANA0VkLrAR8Kv
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。706Please respect copyright.PENANAZsxSJ6zZFJ
706Please respect copyright.PENANA6pstW5ekqX
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:706Please respect copyright.PENANA6r6UHdonle
706Please respect copyright.PENANAYtcHUycwQi
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」706Please respect copyright.PENANAEt1WqIedy1
706Please respect copyright.PENANAZLNZUEFM5G
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。706Please respect copyright.PENANAieeVovC1C5
706Please respect copyright.PENANA7whoLftK6J
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。706Please respect copyright.PENANAsaoQOvX5tR
706Please respect copyright.PENANAS1tmPk2O76
主線劇情:706Please respect copyright.PENANAfyyACePevD
706Please respect copyright.PENANA6Sml9gweVk
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。706Please respect copyright.PENANAw9JSYQsEux
706Please respect copyright.PENANAPTyBFCZefX
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。706Please respect copyright.PENANAhMxqffIIS3
706Please respect copyright.PENANAYOnaOpQ33b
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。706Please respect copyright.PENANAmFlpllGmXo
706Please respect copyright.PENANAXsN6AgzOWB
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:706Please respect copyright.PENANAd6883vt8Qi
706Please respect copyright.PENANAEsYHVlG75K
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)706Please respect copyright.PENANAef2FW4Zs0O
706Please respect copyright.PENANAzlFLuIlDbs
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)706Please respect copyright.PENANARtRyQu4bMT
706Please respect copyright.PENANAV1bDewgzsK
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)706Please respect copyright.PENANAPOzOCxaBpD
706Please respect copyright.PENANAPH3JLGxxMV
706Please respect copyright.PENANAAyJwc7LbZo
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。706Please respect copyright.PENANAQ2MfK3WnHN
706Please respect copyright.PENANA4gBHcwd35A
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:706Please respect copyright.PENANAJtXKKzuFBn
706Please respect copyright.PENANAETwahCTLjC
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。706Please respect copyright.PENANAPQCUsabg1O
706Please respect copyright.PENANAecJaLnZxEF
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。706Please respect copyright.PENANAgRUlXTc8IY
706Please respect copyright.PENANAeIcAZS3TUf
那麼差不多是這樣。706Please respect copyright.PENANALRkWiCeb1f
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706Please respect copyright.PENANAK0obYPE5E5
706Please respect copyright.PENANAV7OEwzO59B
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。706Please respect copyright.PENANATvl1PvW1zN
706Please respect copyright.PENANA2eVapAX2x2
總之加油吧。
706Please respect copyright.PENANAQKDiIXLNFy
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
706Please respect copyright.PENANAJyltmxgSsg
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
706Please respect copyright.PENANAmWyACWm4fr
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
706Please respect copyright.PENANA5tcfDRnJEr
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
706Please respect copyright.PENANA62Yv1mT4WU
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。706Please respect copyright.PENANAVcBBeIBCzj
706Please respect copyright.PENANAbfAY5C7Rc7
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」706Please respect copyright.PENANAbGoMODeRPh
706Please respect copyright.PENANAv77zApxSdl
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。706Please respect copyright.PENANAO4BJIn3OdC
706Please respect copyright.PENANAw4KVSdMrvP
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:706Please respect copyright.PENANA9TEAFBpW04
706Please respect copyright.PENANAvgWVOVExqj
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」706Please respect copyright.PENANAYaueAF1IO8
706Please respect copyright.PENANAhO3BAIahzN
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
706Please respect copyright.PENANAvzFsMnhKd7
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
706Please respect copyright.PENANAWAl9SwVaUP
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
706Please respect copyright.PENANAjnjKch82z7
主角:俊明706Please respect copyright.PENANAXVjSbMRDSw
706Please respect copyright.PENANAjsAvisVHEI
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)706Please respect copyright.PENANAJqNMJRtKi1
706Please respect copyright.PENANAKQP8CTLbUv
706Please respect copyright.PENANA8Zen3yQKiY
主角現狀:遭人排擠706Please respect copyright.PENANAYH2REZKmPZ
706Please respect copyright.PENANAdNPWzntRMf
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
706Please respect copyright.PENANAupxkvJr8bK
有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。706Please respect copyright.PENANACDiRRL1xml
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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