前陣子,我讀完罪夜的《重蝶的幸蝠》,在這邊跟大家分享一下。220Please respect copyright.PENANA7H0gTA9Dtw
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首先,從故事主軸來看,男主旅程的目標一直是搜尋霞姊,為此他必須變強,以突破一路上的考驗。而在變強這點,文中能從他跟將軍對決,感受到男主的突破與成長。220Please respect copyright.PENANABRsfmpq5UT
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而另一方面,在劇情安排上,原以為霞姊會經過重大考驗後現身,或者捲入某個龐大事件。
但實際上,卻是刷地一下突然出現在眼前。難免給人一種太過容易的印象。而在見面後,霞姊測試了男主,但男主卻彷彿把上一章的成長忘記般縮回去,這一點會讓人覺得能理解但不太爽快的感覺。220Please respect copyright.PENANAoI0jKOiSLY
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舉例來說,劇情曲線上,男主的處境才向上爬升一點,讀者還來不及享受他的強大,下一秒立刻往下掉,會覺得有點五味雜陳。220Please respect copyright.PENANAzTzBNCkrgT
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個人認為可以拉開這兩段劇情的距離,這樣效果會比較好。220Please respect copyright.PENANAjZJGi6gv6Z
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第二點是小地方。從腐敗之村到備戰,這兩篇之間的銜接有點難對上。換句話說,導入得不是很好。所以會有種跳躍感。可能要在備戰前面,想一想怎麼接會比較順。220Please respect copyright.PENANAaH1aYzeaKo
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其實差不多就補個兩行說村莊事件後,大概後面怎麼樣了。這樣慢慢導入就行了。220Please respect copyright.PENANAJmTLLPdDla
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接著是第三點。220Please respect copyright.PENANAQkuEnbyR1N
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這就比較偏向蟻國篇的高潮設計。220Please respect copyright.PENANAVKlFy6jatq
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男主在這個篇章最後與之對決的是受到控制的大哥,那一幕的情節我很喜歡。不過個人認為也相對沒那麼好。220Please respect copyright.PENANAw7E4q46slJ
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畢竟,作為該篇章主要對戲的敵方角色,依然是羽嵐,再怎麼說都已經用兩個篇章來特意補足她的背景,描述她獲取地位的過程了。220Please respect copyright.PENANAhorqSupjtt
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都已經爬到這個位置,她本人肯定有所堅持。220Please respect copyright.PENANA1hJOjd6EhJ
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然而,到最後男主卻不是與之對決,而是和受到控制的大哥單挑。跟被控制的人單挑相比,雙方之間的理念碰撞與衝突就會弱上許多。220Please respect copyright.PENANA3RWYC7kwdf
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因此,個人認為。既然能爬到如今的地位,羽嵐肯定也會有一定的能力和相應的武力。倘若能讓其跟男主展開激烈的單挑,男主千辛萬苦擊敗她之後,沒想到發現大哥被控制,因此做出殺死他的抉擇。220Please respect copyright.PENANAwCIAvic7qY
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這樣讓這個篇章結束在雖擊敗對手,卻依然對男主造成傷害的空虛感,我想這樣的調整,應該會比較符合目前罪夜的走向。220Please respect copyright.PENANA0NoFt4nry0
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(啊,倘若我有什麼漏讀的話說聲抱歉。)220Please respect copyright.PENANAitmEvbXbLh
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第四點也是個小地方,我知道罪夜有加入地點的描寫,但不知道是不是為了節省字數,真的只有最低限度。220Please respect copyright.PENANAgQntkXzPgt
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這樣的話,有時會搞不清楚人物現在的位置,或是周遭的變化。針對這點或許還可以再注意一下。220Please respect copyright.PENANArlvTn3Mfiq
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接著是人物方面的細節。220Please respect copyright.PENANAYiyqiVm2CD
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新篇章登場角色虹彩一開始並無面貌、穿著之類的具體描寫,因此給人的印象會稍顯模糊,關於這點,在祭典的章回或許可以順勢補足她當前的形象。220Please respect copyright.PENANAoUP6dHNkQM
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最後,是關於詠夏這個角色。220Please respect copyright.PENANABqhd0zxAdr
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雖然從劇情上能看出她與男主角之間的互動逐漸親密。但對於這個變化,我想可以再多一點進行描述。220Please respect copyright.PENANAH6w4Jljqxv
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詠夏為什麼會喜歡男主,她喜歡他哪裡,心境從原本怎樣到後來怎樣,都是能著墨的點。220Please respect copyright.PENANAfHPBu1cHPM
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因為哪些事,她原本對男主是什麼印象,後來卻改觀。220Please respect copyright.PENANAxPvuYsqNbo
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而男主角,又是喜歡詠夏哪個地方,或許可以再多描述一點。220Please respect copyright.PENANA33QwnQ3330
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兩人之間因為理念不合產生的摩擦,初登場時確實能看見,但後來就比較少提到。220Please respect copyright.PENANAXfUYOpwDDk
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對讀者而言,有點像因為經歷很多事,所以兩人突然感情變好。220Please respect copyright.PENANAzjC4HqclHt
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其實會想知道他們是如何變化的。220Please respect copyright.PENANA0Uu0uAKqsc
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說完我覺得可以調整的地方,來講一下我覺得很棒的地方吧。220Please respect copyright.PENANARK68MKWB6Y
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首先是題材。我真沒想到能把昆蟲這樣的題材描述得栩栩如生,這份特色與創造力是我所缺乏的。220Please respect copyright.PENANAYVYt2cEJQe
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接著是行文,本作的行文一直十分精緻流暢。我還努力找了錯字卻幾乎沒看見。220Please respect copyright.PENANALtbmHB751j
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在戰鬥方面,不得不提的是跟猴子對決的章回,那是我最喜歡的,也是感覺最完整的篇章。而跟將軍的對決,我也感受到十足的趣味,男主當時內心的描述可說是十分到位。將軍的坦率也讓人很有好感。220Please respect copyright.PENANAlWqorQNIBV
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在劇情方面,除了一些日常吃醋發糖外,蟻篇高潮的殺死大哥橋段也充滿落寞感,叫人不禁為此感到悲傷。我覺得很棒。220Please respect copyright.PENANAgmu7qrZFZr
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總而言之,能從作品之中看到罪夜的用心,雖然我好像講了一卡車意見,但還是希望罪夜能繼續寫下去,加油吧。220Please respect copyright.PENANAMoDjbXzI4h
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大概是這樣。我很期待每次的更新。220Please respect copyright.PENANA2ABa07bxsj
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如果對此有興趣的讀者,歡迎點開連結來讀讀看。220Please respect copyright.PENANAnqOY0Pt54W
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penana.com/story/115975/重蝶的幸蝠