前陣子,我讀完罪夜的《重蝶的幸蝠》,在這邊跟大家分享一下。566Please respect copyright.PENANAB6eaJRKlDv
566Please respect copyright.PENANAz4M2MM9wIv
首先,從故事主軸來看,男主旅程的目標一直是搜尋霞姊,為此他必須變強,以突破一路上的考驗。而在變強這點,文中能從他跟將軍對決,感受到男主的突破與成長。566Please respect copyright.PENANAVZ9sFW0nzq
566Please respect copyright.PENANAX0NdOTqhyA
而另一方面,在劇情安排上,原以為霞姊會經過重大考驗後現身,或者捲入某個龐大事件。
但實際上,卻是刷地一下突然出現在眼前。難免給人一種太過容易的印象。而在見面後,霞姊測試了男主,但男主卻彷彿把上一章的成長忘記般縮回去,這一點會讓人覺得能理解但不太爽快的感覺。566Please respect copyright.PENANAWpMJ0MulVN
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舉例來說,劇情曲線上,男主的處境才向上爬升一點,讀者還來不及享受他的強大,下一秒立刻往下掉,會覺得有點五味雜陳。566Please respect copyright.PENANADmsSqQQ6gu
566Please respect copyright.PENANAlFOTd9E6r3
個人認為可以拉開這兩段劇情的距離,這樣效果會比較好。566Please respect copyright.PENANAl93x4Rivk3
566Please respect copyright.PENANAoFMFrJoXlB
第二點是小地方。從腐敗之村到備戰,這兩篇之間的銜接有點難對上。換句話說,導入得不是很好。所以會有種跳躍感。可能要在備戰前面,想一想怎麼接會比較順。566Please respect copyright.PENANAwhOoFnlxCZ
566Please respect copyright.PENANALc0QETvcfa
其實差不多就補個兩行說村莊事件後,大概後面怎麼樣了。這樣慢慢導入就行了。566Please respect copyright.PENANANwLSho9VRA
566Please respect copyright.PENANAoUQEHwvlWg
接著是第三點。566Please respect copyright.PENANAb5jok5Rb0z
566Please respect copyright.PENANAe3P2kqaQ3N
這就比較偏向蟻國篇的高潮設計。566Please respect copyright.PENANA5Nv3xOwrso
566Please respect copyright.PENANALfPR8NIfPF
男主在這個篇章最後與之對決的是受到控制的大哥,那一幕的情節我很喜歡。不過個人認為也相對沒那麼好。566Please respect copyright.PENANAdjrSlmvByG
566Please respect copyright.PENANAHIOZFQvvJf
畢竟,作為該篇章主要對戲的敵方角色,依然是羽嵐,再怎麼說都已經用兩個篇章來特意補足她的背景,描述她獲取地位的過程了。566Please respect copyright.PENANAjBoe2gIIR2
566Please respect copyright.PENANApzrwwzUUmS
都已經爬到這個位置,她本人肯定有所堅持。566Please respect copyright.PENANAXII4KvHZjQ
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然而,到最後男主卻不是與之對決,而是和受到控制的大哥單挑。跟被控制的人單挑相比,雙方之間的理念碰撞與衝突就會弱上許多。566Please respect copyright.PENANAMibm9QNuqI
566Please respect copyright.PENANAQLXsDZSmtu
因此,個人認為。既然能爬到如今的地位,羽嵐肯定也會有一定的能力和相應的武力。倘若能讓其跟男主展開激烈的單挑,男主千辛萬苦擊敗她之後,沒想到發現大哥被控制,因此做出殺死他的抉擇。566Please respect copyright.PENANAkwgCUVM98S
566Please respect copyright.PENANA6CNXZWC7kT
這樣讓這個篇章結束在雖擊敗對手,卻依然對男主造成傷害的空虛感,我想這樣的調整,應該會比較符合目前罪夜的走向。566Please respect copyright.PENANAfGmAopnVqk
566Please respect copyright.PENANAR1EpRl1KHT
(啊,倘若我有什麼漏讀的話說聲抱歉。)566Please respect copyright.PENANA98fBUishw8
566Please respect copyright.PENANANh0AJ4V59w
第四點也是個小地方,我知道罪夜有加入地點的描寫,但不知道是不是為了節省字數,真的只有最低限度。566Please respect copyright.PENANAiOq5WLQpQ1
566Please respect copyright.PENANAb83vwV8Tqc
這樣的話,有時會搞不清楚人物現在的位置,或是周遭的變化。針對這點或許還可以再注意一下。566Please respect copyright.PENANAN0o5UnBt1V
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接著是人物方面的細節。566Please respect copyright.PENANAl3TShChVLP
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新篇章登場角色虹彩一開始並無面貌、穿著之類的具體描寫,因此給人的印象會稍顯模糊,關於這點,在祭典的章回或許可以順勢補足她當前的形象。566Please respect copyright.PENANA6ijvVMtYGT
566Please respect copyright.PENANAcBIe3wkXft
最後,是關於詠夏這個角色。566Please respect copyright.PENANAfiSfjcIq5Q
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雖然從劇情上能看出她與男主角之間的互動逐漸親密。但對於這個變化,我想可以再多一點進行描述。566Please respect copyright.PENANA4GcTo9laxr
566Please respect copyright.PENANAGa40UnKxBZ
詠夏為什麼會喜歡男主,她喜歡他哪裡,心境從原本怎樣到後來怎樣,都是能著墨的點。566Please respect copyright.PENANAh3NyqfNLj1
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因為哪些事,她原本對男主是什麼印象,後來卻改觀。566Please respect copyright.PENANAnAr3prbvbk
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而男主角,又是喜歡詠夏哪個地方,或許可以再多描述一點。566Please respect copyright.PENANAsZ962f6uKw
566Please respect copyright.PENANA4I4YUGxhxJ
兩人之間因為理念不合產生的摩擦,初登場時確實能看見,但後來就比較少提到。566Please respect copyright.PENANAO6nS0kompg
566Please respect copyright.PENANAnKIHeglLHW
對讀者而言,有點像因為經歷很多事,所以兩人突然感情變好。566Please respect copyright.PENANAdTK6ZXypyA
566Please respect copyright.PENANApQCCnUJOWB
其實會想知道他們是如何變化的。566Please respect copyright.PENANAlN0rM5HJKl
566Please respect copyright.PENANAi3DkkUwVmG
說完我覺得可以調整的地方,來講一下我覺得很棒的地方吧。566Please respect copyright.PENANAGlIWHJCAm9
566Please respect copyright.PENANAGxQ09acmQa
首先是題材。我真沒想到能把昆蟲這樣的題材描述得栩栩如生,這份特色與創造力是我所缺乏的。566Please respect copyright.PENANA4oeJG2plZz
566Please respect copyright.PENANAOdOhll8bj8
接著是行文,本作的行文一直十分精緻流暢。我還努力找了錯字卻幾乎沒看見。566Please respect copyright.PENANAaKGE3D1kaJ
566Please respect copyright.PENANAhf7VbLllmp
在戰鬥方面,不得不提的是跟猴子對決的章回,那是我最喜歡的,也是感覺最完整的篇章。而跟將軍的對決,我也感受到十足的趣味,男主當時內心的描述可說是十分到位。將軍的坦率也讓人很有好感。566Please respect copyright.PENANAQYjUzWSxd4
566Please respect copyright.PENANAPdfmiaA7Ws
在劇情方面,除了一些日常吃醋發糖外,蟻篇高潮的殺死大哥橋段也充滿落寞感,叫人不禁為此感到悲傷。我覺得很棒。566Please respect copyright.PENANAHOvJVEoGlA
566Please respect copyright.PENANALHWONkMEBO
總而言之,能從作品之中看到罪夜的用心,雖然我好像講了一卡車意見,但還是希望罪夜能繼續寫下去,加油吧。566Please respect copyright.PENANAwDLJqvly4D
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大概是這樣。我很期待每次的更新。566Please respect copyright.PENANAd6t1XI7yOS
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如果對此有興趣的讀者,歡迎點開連結來讀讀看。566Please respect copyright.PENANAHNkabovtcz
566Please respect copyright.PENANA5z7vg8EZ3t
penana.com/story/115975/重蝶的幸蝠