幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
344Please respect copyright.PENANAFRFDlxEwHV
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
344Please respect copyright.PENANAxtGGP1ZUnO
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
344Please respect copyright.PENANAH1rlQPKSQ2
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
344Please respect copyright.PENANAsNXJLfRnCP
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
344Please respect copyright.PENANAErjiZYl8Ld
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
344Please respect copyright.PENANAM0g4eE3EAv
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
344Please respect copyright.PENANAIlFfcu6vrI
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。344Please respect copyright.PENANAhsiUDppSGV
344Please respect copyright.PENANAj00Ccohv7c
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世界觀:344Please respect copyright.PENANAv9oof0kxgm
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本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
344Please respect copyright.PENANAZHkWbbR7L8
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
344Please respect copyright.PENANAVR8Z2iYN3a
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
344Please respect copyright.PENANAlSbBt1ayri
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劇情細節的提醒:344Please respect copyright.PENANAkrga5WHpIL
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a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:344Please respect copyright.PENANAF7hjn3laqy
344Please respect copyright.PENANAfWaY3eSXVd
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。344Please respect copyright.PENANAjSDyQZLTDr
344Please respect copyright.PENANAcWbBzrgn8I
參考網站:344Please respect copyright.PENANAqYJdNJBFTd
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html344Please respect copyright.PENANA1blr8kAzRu
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b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。344Please respect copyright.PENANA0vNZmgfWY1
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例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。344Please respect copyright.PENANA1Sh8CsAP8Q
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c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。344Please respect copyright.PENANAjSdRA4hEkn
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角色:344Please respect copyright.PENANADyBGYW0jf5
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以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:344Please respect copyright.PENANAJiz4OYmIte
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主角:俊明
344Please respect copyright.PENANA2wEJo95nh3
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)344Please respect copyright.PENANAG1vlOt94kt
344Please respect copyright.PENANAv6mwX6KlsZ
主角現狀:遭人排擠
344Please respect copyright.PENANAxhrwXuK2Ah
奉翊:344Please respect copyright.PENANAOGHuIWNBR6
不擅長飛行。344Please respect copyright.PENANAqy0sEEtMdT
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。344Please respect copyright.PENANA6Z0QfXv0E8
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344Please respect copyright.PENANAv0tegH8QqP
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對於角色整體的感想:344Please respect copyright.PENANAXTwDjjQoph
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目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。344Please respect copyright.PENANAmKpeu1pzbe
344Please respect copyright.PENANACprisGLk0t
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。344Please respect copyright.PENANA72YkfrGGUR
344Please respect copyright.PENANAhvaXllfdHP
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:344Please respect copyright.PENANAKWFySTQMFb
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原作:344Please respect copyright.PENANAIKKJGPBbw6
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俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388344Please respect copyright.PENANAPNNZInoGsp
344Please respect copyright.PENANArVpYJObazp
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)344Please respect copyright.PENANAFklk5tmboa
344Please respect copyright.PENANArMDtzrqEQu
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):344Please respect copyright.PENANA76tcM2ZOqA
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調整後:344Please respect copyright.PENANAYEJtHUGydf
344Please respect copyright.PENANAayI6Sp9RAJ
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。344Please respect copyright.PENANA9dmJbdwyoj
344Please respect copyright.PENANATHQUD2AUXz
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。344Please respect copyright.PENANA3PvrwTo428
344Please respect copyright.PENANAAxnTMbOAY5
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。344Please respect copyright.PENANABJ8DWluigb
344Please respect copyright.PENANAsV9Fx1kL4U
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」344Please respect copyright.PENANAt3f6WoS7gH
344Please respect copyright.PENANAV1ijxjpXG2
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。344Please respect copyright.PENANAcZa40fadOW
344Please respect copyright.PENANA04dPTM4iuM
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:344Please respect copyright.PENANAzj7eZSxphb
344Please respect copyright.PENANA5PLqhzysma
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」344Please respect copyright.PENANAoyBwjwXpsn
344Please respect copyright.PENANA3kTyWflnK1
查喀比茲?那是什麼?344Please respect copyright.PENANAmzA5KhVpcg
344Please respect copyright.PENANAJFF3eci9F1
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:344Please respect copyright.PENANA3zYBjW7nNI
344Please respect copyright.PENANApjRfVqnzYD
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」344Please respect copyright.PENANAFtQcdRljx0
344Please respect copyright.PENANAU4clH7Hrni
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。344Please respect copyright.PENANAyMtq6dybom
344Please respect copyright.PENANAz0bAQtHuJY
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」344Please respect copyright.PENANA5AK1f4bJf3
344Please respect copyright.PENANA2U6TYfJqoM
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。344Please respect copyright.PENANApJI3CRm9kL
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他進一步解釋道:344Please respect copyright.PENANAnTZM1umM4C
344Please respect copyright.PENANAopDg0Qr7K8
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」344Please respect copyright.PENANAu2lJLGh8ap
344Please respect copyright.PENANAdTPGSru5YH
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:344Please respect copyright.PENANAvk2goQr8Sh
344Please respect copyright.PENANASQhcLsbtTC
「查詢,查喀比茲。」344Please respect copyright.PENANAXp5V2j9rbb
344Please respect copyright.PENANAVF0BLRplh3
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。344Please respect copyright.PENANAnBfNNZc087
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「──查無此項結果。」344Please respect copyright.PENANA7M3HbeVoDl
344Please respect copyright.PENANA1Z7shVyPLB
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。344Please respect copyright.PENANAwv8yw8v3Ku
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「啊啊!」344Please respect copyright.PENANAUCo0PXCnX7
344Please respect copyright.PENANARbhRryRja0
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。344Please respect copyright.PENANABUS9DFprLd
344Please respect copyright.PENANAM8vxS2P8ic
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」344Please respect copyright.PENANAWHQb67CwGJ
344Please respect copyright.PENANA0U4BChQ5eh
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:344Please respect copyright.PENANAZybVX3zGTS
344Please respect copyright.PENANAHKuPCCoPwt
查喀比茲。344Please respect copyright.PENANAREn8mPRa30
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給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。344Please respect copyright.PENANAliWOxRBSLh
344Please respect copyright.PENANAyhQyACqlfG
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。344Please respect copyright.PENANAHGP7I1t1rF
344Please respect copyright.PENANAded2UJkwqM
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:344Please respect copyright.PENANAAm6juz9Amq
344Please respect copyright.PENANAW3v01pmnU6
「你、你、你……該不會──」344Please respect copyright.PENANAu6U26g6HOY
344Please respect copyright.PENANAzsuyzyHd1q
「沒錯,我就是──」344Please respect copyright.PENANAlXhWDbTLQ5
344Please respect copyright.PENANAr9voz7i4vv
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:344Please respect copyright.PENANAY6tP976jRW
344Please respect copyright.PENANAEhzTxBQKi3
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」344Please respect copyright.PENANAhGkXFo3Rn4
344Please respect copyright.PENANA5jk32XNQJS
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:344Please respect copyright.PENANA2TgnEnrIiI
344Please respect copyright.PENANAFYJxrpD4IB
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」344Please respect copyright.PENANAP2J6XV4E5V
344Please respect copyright.PENANAU7mvI76aRO
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。344Please respect copyright.PENANAB9Kq8nFzJd
344Please respect copyright.PENANA0UV2rXTCon
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:344Please respect copyright.PENANAGZNxFGkkMx
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「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」344Please respect copyright.PENANA7GwGtsSOC6
344Please respect copyright.PENANASblagmUk20
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。344Please respect copyright.PENANAq5xHjUG7th
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像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。344Please respect copyright.PENANA2mu3vgjGFq
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主線劇情:344Please respect copyright.PENANAoCvL3p2XiE
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主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。344Please respect copyright.PENANAZEa6HPhW0J
344Please respect copyright.PENANAS9bQKm0vSD
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。344Please respect copyright.PENANAsHaL4euu6O
344Please respect copyright.PENANAybvbPpHqNs
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。344Please respect copyright.PENANAEOfUpzST6p
344Please respect copyright.PENANArJw8wAhAhw
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:344Please respect copyright.PENANALNw8pEMsel
344Please respect copyright.PENANAEeJDCa7DcT
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)344Please respect copyright.PENANALeSnhjS9Nw
344Please respect copyright.PENANA2yLNk9YxJj
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)344Please respect copyright.PENANAJnRxWUJ5w8
344Please respect copyright.PENANAeTvyvlDrvH
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)344Please respect copyright.PENANAbNIORqO6fJ
344Please respect copyright.PENANAvHcXdvZIxz
344Please respect copyright.PENANAkrIQtjW9Ha
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。344Please respect copyright.PENANA2YTCiGPJNC
344Please respect copyright.PENANAZ08rBjk0z2
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:344Please respect copyright.PENANAridwGgmQDr
344Please respect copyright.PENANAWOmlQngkof
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。344Please respect copyright.PENANAt7TQKl5p4Q
344Please respect copyright.PENANAMo2T12LoZJ
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。344Please respect copyright.PENANAEGCJliu1JN
344Please respect copyright.PENANAIBZ4g4oU59
那麼差不多是這樣。344Please respect copyright.PENANAMONeqcfAmF
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344Please respect copyright.PENANAu5mpj616mC
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。344Please respect copyright.PENANAARObcEB8VY
344Please respect copyright.PENANAdA2xiL3onZ
總之加油吧。
344Please respect copyright.PENANAdB8zi80XZD
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
344Please respect copyright.PENANA8aCz9QHWDg
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
344Please respect copyright.PENANAAPTDJfE4S3
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
344Please respect copyright.PENANAYeEskzxAkU
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
344Please respect copyright.PENANAOsTYPEg1LZ
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。344Please respect copyright.PENANAiVc3lh2SPx
344Please respect copyright.PENANA9sjPKcMnFw
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」344Please respect copyright.PENANAEVGNC3WKj1
344Please respect copyright.PENANAgsIzfGoYI2
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。344Please respect copyright.PENANAi91ueeqo0p
344Please respect copyright.PENANAgBG6xXvLyX
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:344Please respect copyright.PENANAE3XjQoji8N
344Please respect copyright.PENANADZgzgGjcyD
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」344Please respect copyright.PENANAlaszCmNxRO
344Please respect copyright.PENANAhmJ1Mc2gg7
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
344Please respect copyright.PENANAw24sIz80JV
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
344Please respect copyright.PENANAOIdv4BKOP8
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
344Please respect copyright.PENANAujf4lmRTuT
主角:俊明344Please respect copyright.PENANAT6ITW5YnQ2
344Please respect copyright.PENANAplEB8h1YOd
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)344Please respect copyright.PENANA9pkn34AoWg
344Please respect copyright.PENANAz74TdV908W
344Please respect copyright.PENANAfNxubM3rai
主角現狀:遭人排擠344Please respect copyright.PENANAbsVrhPp5zp
344Please respect copyright.PENANAf0n4Q1BUz7
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
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有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。344Please respect copyright.PENANATRcrhkVB5d
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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