幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
153Please respect copyright.PENANA3Vbkfnd1Q0
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
153Please respect copyright.PENANA5jIHg4mXQO
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
153Please respect copyright.PENANAqlUAfrWc2o
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
153Please respect copyright.PENANAezwUWDzlbi
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
153Please respect copyright.PENANAotxZSvMm9p
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
153Please respect copyright.PENANAdVubj97ANt
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
153Please respect copyright.PENANAKjTkGXFEU2
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。153Please respect copyright.PENANAFqj35a2AYe
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世界觀:153Please respect copyright.PENANAYXdQX7DbeM
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本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
153Please respect copyright.PENANAeUvmRNRAzD
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
153Please respect copyright.PENANAt5pUlkPJSW
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
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劇情細節的提醒:153Please respect copyright.PENANAQCL7AkArW7
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a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:153Please respect copyright.PENANAuXMJcrRGu4
153Please respect copyright.PENANAF5Vf0SMPPf
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。153Please respect copyright.PENANArsTZVom7B3
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參考網站:153Please respect copyright.PENANACRd1XiKJyu
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html153Please respect copyright.PENANATJrW3YSa2H
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b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。153Please respect copyright.PENANAo9NK7kVw7v
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例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。153Please respect copyright.PENANAkJF16Ii0wr
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c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。153Please respect copyright.PENANAx55br7MWJm
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角色:153Please respect copyright.PENANAzG1e16XHWA
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以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:153Please respect copyright.PENANASCqiIeINYx
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主角:俊明
153Please respect copyright.PENANA0OmO2JVq8u
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)153Please respect copyright.PENANA409zWZAjSd
153Please respect copyright.PENANAVagNuZw1Kb
主角現狀:遭人排擠
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奉翊:153Please respect copyright.PENANAdOUnebsqVp
不擅長飛行。153Please respect copyright.PENANAChmlV8xIJ8
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。153Please respect copyright.PENANAWOvA4m9YQY
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對於角色整體的感想:153Please respect copyright.PENANApyyTy6EPJg
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目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。153Please respect copyright.PENANA9x98m5kaix
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在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。153Please respect copyright.PENANAkC0RNGtajz
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這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:153Please respect copyright.PENANAFw64fnlkEn
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原作:153Please respect copyright.PENANAVAaGsy2NCi
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俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388153Please respect copyright.PENANAqXgwqatNbX
153Please respect copyright.PENANAORsLmHEy1S
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)153Please respect copyright.PENANAHMwtsAjbu1
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因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):153Please respect copyright.PENANAR72Jlpz1aT
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調整後:153Please respect copyright.PENANAkB5KuDpaRW
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俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。153Please respect copyright.PENANAT02l2nrq9S
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男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。153Please respect copyright.PENANABi93hvj0B4
153Please respect copyright.PENANAO6ohPHDKva
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。153Please respect copyright.PENANASI347wPRmk
153Please respect copyright.PENANA9y7273yiJi
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」153Please respect copyright.PENANAbBBD9jfb5t
153Please respect copyright.PENANA1DVKb0X05F
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。153Please respect copyright.PENANAvtuamWnt29
153Please respect copyright.PENANAyBYN0pvI0T
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:153Please respect copyright.PENANAE1FSU3yoJk
153Please respect copyright.PENANAJCpcVtAWVc
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」153Please respect copyright.PENANA2Vd00oiXhe
153Please respect copyright.PENANAMMuGP8wqyP
查喀比茲?那是什麼?153Please respect copyright.PENANApTx1i0JBhU
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一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:153Please respect copyright.PENANA0Da2hGypqo
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「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」153Please respect copyright.PENANA92ktx8BNIr
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俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。153Please respect copyright.PENANAzOLZtOrCMh
153Please respect copyright.PENANApteMGNFYnM
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」153Please respect copyright.PENANAOQ3oagy6Ii
153Please respect copyright.PENANARG7dG2JUN3
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。153Please respect copyright.PENANA1xtfa934MG
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他進一步解釋道:153Please respect copyright.PENANAUbVdiIbbwj
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「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」153Please respect copyright.PENANAxp8hrSC82R
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說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:153Please respect copyright.PENANAws8qvgx0vM
153Please respect copyright.PENANAJXNPJQRLuP
「查詢,查喀比茲。」153Please respect copyright.PENANAJJkllx7MVg
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難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。153Please respect copyright.PENANA7W0RrNSg6R
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「──查無此項結果。」153Please respect copyright.PENANAuD69dyahjy
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然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。153Please respect copyright.PENANADRkQs5jyU1
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「啊啊!」153Please respect copyright.PENANAmbb6q69fRJ
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吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。153Please respect copyright.PENANAs3oGL5poSK
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「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」153Please respect copyright.PENANAE0xifzXIxM
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即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:153Please respect copyright.PENANAUOmh37KjH3
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查喀比茲。153Please respect copyright.PENANABj18sVXBTt
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給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。153Please respect copyright.PENANAdRef8FITsX
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螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。153Please respect copyright.PENANAjLAID1Iim4
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但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:153Please respect copyright.PENANAl96K8aV6dI
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「你、你、你……該不會──」153Please respect copyright.PENANADAMshKty7n
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「沒錯,我就是──」153Please respect copyright.PENANAvInGcvuaSk
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男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:153Please respect copyright.PENANAhXcr11HgOV
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「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」153Please respect copyright.PENANAy4x0rJlkSM
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俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:153Please respect copyright.PENANAUtHBF8qrfo
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「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」153Please respect copyright.PENANA9pQCQFW9j0
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說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。153Please respect copyright.PENANAwGrlmaLaaW
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俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:153Please respect copyright.PENANApYuDJVniBj
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「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」153Please respect copyright.PENANAu4sJcPCTAk
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但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。153Please respect copyright.PENANAe76W5kMRt6
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像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。153Please respect copyright.PENANAAE3p5gsgJR
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主線劇情:153Please respect copyright.PENANAwXU3kWYxiR
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主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。153Please respect copyright.PENANAsQOTw7yNMp
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以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。153Please respect copyright.PENANACusgzpgUwj
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那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。153Please respect copyright.PENANAOok3ibjkZA
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而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:153Please respect copyright.PENANACr8fBSM4HY
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懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)153Please respect copyright.PENANASCgdRaPkEO
153Please respect copyright.PENANAwGFvcYF6hk
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)153Please respect copyright.PENANAKgnH2auzY1
153Please respect copyright.PENANAw4Yd26ohdC
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)153Please respect copyright.PENANA8BWu1Qmseu
153Please respect copyright.PENANAUNRjY2NAqa
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如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。153Please respect copyright.PENANADjRoWvxRKY
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因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:153Please respect copyright.PENANALbrbrZUoAq
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成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。153Please respect copyright.PENANAVul8sZHunM
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在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。153Please respect copyright.PENANAxAQ5E0Gs8H
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那麼差不多是這樣。153Please respect copyright.PENANAOgJezASJrU
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關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。153Please respect copyright.PENANAB3qXTXQ4vl
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總之加油吧。
153Please respect copyright.PENANAHudrwx2ZyN
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
153Please respect copyright.PENANAeEeCcBoCft
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
153Please respect copyright.PENANAXv9jNtDyIw
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
153Please respect copyright.PENANAUgvFOLs2u6
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
153Please respect copyright.PENANAWgOAWnwqB6
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。153Please respect copyright.PENANANhJwtrGXGs
153Please respect copyright.PENANANDEWqfedCt
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」153Please respect copyright.PENANAT78jHCM0fq
153Please respect copyright.PENANA5pqRGQtfCN
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。153Please respect copyright.PENANATZyezH3uHn
153Please respect copyright.PENANAJ9oWwp6ViL
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:153Please respect copyright.PENANAthW7WWqQod
153Please respect copyright.PENANAYKxqZgPJGl
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」153Please respect copyright.PENANA8488J2MEIB
153Please respect copyright.PENANARCGkbJ3Gws
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
153Please respect copyright.PENANABPEFdz9Hcu
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
153Please respect copyright.PENANAKUej4ObOwa
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
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主角:俊明153Please respect copyright.PENANAHDHyUHAMdd
153Please respect copyright.PENANAcOghzWo9Vb
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)153Please respect copyright.PENANAXLH5Wi5ohY
153Please respect copyright.PENANAohZKEBqihP
153Please respect copyright.PENANANbdmnHzYl1
主角現狀:遭人排擠153Please respect copyright.PENANAA3QVF4szI1
153Please respect copyright.PENANAFrLkeAYLhX
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
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有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。153Please respect copyright.PENANAWHjzG48ROZ
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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