幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
439Please respect copyright.PENANACq5RCJ9HOC
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
439Please respect copyright.PENANA8juFFb4R5y
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
439Please respect copyright.PENANALESA3HdBH6
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
439Please respect copyright.PENANAZ9J4iMEbqT
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
439Please respect copyright.PENANArLyEQxNx11
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
439Please respect copyright.PENANApNbCiQdgx7
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
439Please respect copyright.PENANAgAEnNG3MTe
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。439Please respect copyright.PENANAwWbIMkvOls
439Please respect copyright.PENANAevXdNRjxLN
439Please respect copyright.PENANANXHIv8IAsI
439Please respect copyright.PENANA4XVst44r1G
世界觀:439Please respect copyright.PENANAPmnwet2MPn
439Please respect copyright.PENANA6BOrkXSMNC
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
439Please respect copyright.PENANAPGUB7wNIfV
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
439Please respect copyright.PENANAFq5t9clbLZ
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
439Please respect copyright.PENANAzl4Tygl2Ys
439Please respect copyright.PENANAb6rllh5ZF9
劇情細節的提醒:439Please respect copyright.PENANALlpVD9pmXw
439Please respect copyright.PENANA0wbbohBwcj
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:439Please respect copyright.PENANAm2lWAcW9Rs
439Please respect copyright.PENANAqlRFL4Wio3
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。439Please respect copyright.PENANA0qIAf5pMRQ
439Please respect copyright.PENANAJShVCfJAbb
參考網站:439Please respect copyright.PENANAoYi7JYGqmm
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html439Please respect copyright.PENANAgDKuU4GOU3
439Please respect copyright.PENANAVmmNiCeH91
439Please respect copyright.PENANAuXVSIEbxjO
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。439Please respect copyright.PENANAtcWFuTrBQ9
439Please respect copyright.PENANA9ckofWht71
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。439Please respect copyright.PENANAPfs2mKsYJN
439Please respect copyright.PENANAeuXzMZdS7J
439Please respect copyright.PENANAivRO923Hcs
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。439Please respect copyright.PENANAOfLWJxwqU7
439Please respect copyright.PENANAyuJfFxa0bw
439Please respect copyright.PENANAt1xf88SEqt
角色:439Please respect copyright.PENANAjmhe2AvRhL
439Please respect copyright.PENANASTwd1TLKX0
以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:439Please respect copyright.PENANAe4SdeLsUvC
439Please respect copyright.PENANA3oQXN7Rdn0
主角:俊明
439Please respect copyright.PENANAedHMajJTIr
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)439Please respect copyright.PENANAO3PVq9DWCE
439Please respect copyright.PENANAKnq1lex4kl
主角現狀:遭人排擠
439Please respect copyright.PENANAS5Of7hRbgw
奉翊:439Please respect copyright.PENANAyUrsCXFLj9
不擅長飛行。439Please respect copyright.PENANAjMZXpWDXCn
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。439Please respect copyright.PENANA5LldAphwNG
439Please respect copyright.PENANAu8sS3b3O5E
439Please respect copyright.PENANA2SbHA14rtL
439Please respect copyright.PENANAdCtT8I2WzF
對於角色整體的感想:439Please respect copyright.PENANAQAocfxYWBE
439Please respect copyright.PENANA3XxmPaHGoi
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。439Please respect copyright.PENANATHdRa8VRVq
439Please respect copyright.PENANAg3T1JIbu66
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。439Please respect copyright.PENANAGjVA9uOGsM
439Please respect copyright.PENANAM1kPSTb1lm
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:439Please respect copyright.PENANAHMkCiVQdTj
439Please respect copyright.PENANAogELVSx8M4
原作:439Please respect copyright.PENANAP2msPI0Pur
439Please respect copyright.PENANAxRNGEt0uHy
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388439Please respect copyright.PENANAYo6ogMCayC
439Please respect copyright.PENANAsNDOIBQwSC
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)439Please respect copyright.PENANA5MborqiqCe
439Please respect copyright.PENANAFqrEnJojaB
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):439Please respect copyright.PENANAYXCnNNlCTq
439Please respect copyright.PENANAPAoDDuDBU4
調整後:439Please respect copyright.PENANAe2rhZDYHOd
439Please respect copyright.PENANAecxlDMaP0I
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。439Please respect copyright.PENANArVEoQko73f
439Please respect copyright.PENANACIlqGrQU8n
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。439Please respect copyright.PENANAiJNjryIlKN
439Please respect copyright.PENANA31MaKmdvNU
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。439Please respect copyright.PENANAgIHfGTNBUg
439Please respect copyright.PENANARWlNlMC5ay
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」439Please respect copyright.PENANAuLwe7ooU6D
439Please respect copyright.PENANAKr4X47bspw
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。439Please respect copyright.PENANA6Jn2P1ce4h
439Please respect copyright.PENANAvfZmETexjJ
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:439Please respect copyright.PENANAUNZAkagVhg
439Please respect copyright.PENANAgRMBwTUEsK
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」439Please respect copyright.PENANA3rr59sU3wy
439Please respect copyright.PENANAImLaz0j4fW
查喀比茲?那是什麼?439Please respect copyright.PENANALEFeKkJ6rS
439Please respect copyright.PENANAIIQK4dnyU7
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:439Please respect copyright.PENANAFaqp0FPxVe
439Please respect copyright.PENANAa6fc9wLbbd
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」439Please respect copyright.PENANALzTH1NJEIp
439Please respect copyright.PENANAVJvVCbjCa0
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。439Please respect copyright.PENANAv1YxBHnEPG
439Please respect copyright.PENANAfFAfXmqSuj
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」439Please respect copyright.PENANAVChXZUKFQV
439Please respect copyright.PENANALbXyREGGiI
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。439Please respect copyright.PENANArKrOH3Mq0N
439Please respect copyright.PENANAzjazCTi4on
他進一步解釋道:439Please respect copyright.PENANAOteyxOy20q
439Please respect copyright.PENANAXDUYUdrFei
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」439Please respect copyright.PENANARM2xKT4obm
439Please respect copyright.PENANA52GOVKlMmy
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:439Please respect copyright.PENANAXMnYJtZv9p
439Please respect copyright.PENANAsym1K8CIWR
「查詢,查喀比茲。」439Please respect copyright.PENANAOggEF6aPMg
439Please respect copyright.PENANA2n3cAjTsNu
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。439Please respect copyright.PENANA45a5IyQ0y6
439Please respect copyright.PENANAam6rIwqUfC
「──查無此項結果。」439Please respect copyright.PENANASFL7gUmAvi
439Please respect copyright.PENANAnR0NMx1X37
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。439Please respect copyright.PENANAVhZokwOkZK
439Please respect copyright.PENANAdnazJh81Nz
「啊啊!」439Please respect copyright.PENANAENwtP8GfXJ
439Please respect copyright.PENANAeVxduvLQix
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。439Please respect copyright.PENANA2AyAGtY83Q
439Please respect copyright.PENANAwcwa2VwH46
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」439Please respect copyright.PENANAPVoe5uGlsQ
439Please respect copyright.PENANAdMzzAaPTsA
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:439Please respect copyright.PENANAomS7apNCE4
439Please respect copyright.PENANAXMYGeHIMN8
查喀比茲。439Please respect copyright.PENANA8eTDOWUNgW
439Please respect copyright.PENANAXkofW4mwHX
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。439Please respect copyright.PENANAdFlkCv4oOL
439Please respect copyright.PENANA7K4fLpz4u8
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。439Please respect copyright.PENANAHx5lmoFfFp
439Please respect copyright.PENANAtBLOLeVzpa
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:439Please respect copyright.PENANAFLs3XRDRg5
439Please respect copyright.PENANAlMgwWPzgu6
「你、你、你……該不會──」439Please respect copyright.PENANAcxqorv6qvj
439Please respect copyright.PENANA3d6A3jF0Qd
「沒錯,我就是──」439Please respect copyright.PENANAdMSofRqkPs
439Please respect copyright.PENANAAPNUFJTMTE
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:439Please respect copyright.PENANAgBqET8xalV
439Please respect copyright.PENANARtRtpJaCsl
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」439Please respect copyright.PENANALJoyfIgeva
439Please respect copyright.PENANANJIE743of8
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:439Please respect copyright.PENANAKxaAAr5ozg
439Please respect copyright.PENANAr5p5DNniPl
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」439Please respect copyright.PENANAoCwHNXuL9h
439Please respect copyright.PENANAHgZLWBOnUE
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。439Please respect copyright.PENANAHNQ8QV7syp
439Please respect copyright.PENANAJAA4PjFzZy
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:439Please respect copyright.PENANA4EZOGsI7hz
439Please respect copyright.PENANARafRMqkQVM
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」439Please respect copyright.PENANAHEUwGKUz8w
439Please respect copyright.PENANAaL3DGAnwx6
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。439Please respect copyright.PENANAxMqPy8KTID
439Please respect copyright.PENANA5EjZzUSExY
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。439Please respect copyright.PENANA6niRzVLaE1
439Please respect copyright.PENANAc8tPEArzAs
主線劇情:439Please respect copyright.PENANAx2nVhOzUtb
439Please respect copyright.PENANA4yYzpRXOVn
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。439Please respect copyright.PENANANEFeXcsufp
439Please respect copyright.PENANAfAy1E6vbYt
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。439Please respect copyright.PENANAPAlyYMTRFb
439Please respect copyright.PENANAO5GRYYFp0V
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。439Please respect copyright.PENANAStBCPK1dwr
439Please respect copyright.PENANARiwFdowbS3
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:439Please respect copyright.PENANA2PgepscnHw
439Please respect copyright.PENANAdt8VJe1Myn
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)439Please respect copyright.PENANAyI0rYoSBpx
439Please respect copyright.PENANAZMGgDnjR75
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)439Please respect copyright.PENANAPnDvjpUxq0
439Please respect copyright.PENANA8kutoQH5Ee
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)439Please respect copyright.PENANAm20BNLG8wY
439Please respect copyright.PENANAQijq0ulsUr
439Please respect copyright.PENANAOzGFAjkub1
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。439Please respect copyright.PENANAFoDlWIFCS9
439Please respect copyright.PENANAsx1yNpNH2C
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:439Please respect copyright.PENANAQe6AvWJPAM
439Please respect copyright.PENANAACMxCqHu2T
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。439Please respect copyright.PENANAhsZ4beonUt
439Please respect copyright.PENANAOEwPfwQKcp
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。439Please respect copyright.PENANAZYxCs9CWZo
439Please respect copyright.PENANAXPshL1QUCv
那麼差不多是這樣。439Please respect copyright.PENANAScr85dNAl9
439Please respect copyright.PENANADEELnFQYqh
439Please respect copyright.PENANAZOhWtwqKgA
439Please respect copyright.PENANAILPqkoFIOd
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。439Please respect copyright.PENANAeB5vO3AiLc
439Please respect copyright.PENANACAu73QaF3h
總之加油吧。
439Please respect copyright.PENANA3pNC9QZpUl
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
439Please respect copyright.PENANAb3x7k5l9NO
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
439Please respect copyright.PENANA6eLCgykZmt
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
439Please respect copyright.PENANAmPNs5izmFb
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
439Please respect copyright.PENANAHRnZeBhM3C
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。439Please respect copyright.PENANAIbOhJB3ig4
439Please respect copyright.PENANAlL3y3tFrv6
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」439Please respect copyright.PENANAT5N1WR45jY
439Please respect copyright.PENANAkO2wkkNHj4
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。439Please respect copyright.PENANAlk8I6mxvpY
439Please respect copyright.PENANA5WzgO2nffg
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:439Please respect copyright.PENANAR15LAaehh2
439Please respect copyright.PENANA64C9PYxxz6
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」439Please respect copyright.PENANAiHeADDO9a7
439Please respect copyright.PENANAWzvCaZFGZ7
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
439Please respect copyright.PENANAfPZsC3vuLh
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
439Please respect copyright.PENANAQjNwM3iZy9
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
439Please respect copyright.PENANAPPwvY6J8yx
主角:俊明439Please respect copyright.PENANASC1rFVq8LL
439Please respect copyright.PENANAs2pB5XX1FK
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)439Please respect copyright.PENANAY2kViYCvcp
439Please respect copyright.PENANA6OHa3m0sxR
439Please respect copyright.PENANArAsoONxCGU
主角現狀:遭人排擠439Please respect copyright.PENANAzt78xrCx1C
439Please respect copyright.PENANAc8GgnvmOas
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
439Please respect copyright.PENANADEwpUUF17u
有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。439Please respect copyright.PENANAFo6KtGG8xY
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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