幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
480Please respect copyright.PENANATwcaNSdrl3
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
480Please respect copyright.PENANAdlge2peBe0
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
480Please respect copyright.PENANALTBasLaT6r
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
480Please respect copyright.PENANAKaZvflMlPc
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
480Please respect copyright.PENANANWkfwzzfyo
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
480Please respect copyright.PENANAq1ibTdjvKr
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
480Please respect copyright.PENANAl7Yw1e126g
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。480Please respect copyright.PENANAIuIkW82PGR
480Please respect copyright.PENANAHhCT68nB5z
480Please respect copyright.PENANAIOb9foLtIL
480Please respect copyright.PENANAw55Y5uyTkW
世界觀:480Please respect copyright.PENANAeKWam70j2x
480Please respect copyright.PENANAQzZfYsiKhG
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
480Please respect copyright.PENANAwOZ6olDMZV
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
480Please respect copyright.PENANAQoJ07y5Sek
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
480Please respect copyright.PENANAmrC4ISxQGL
480Please respect copyright.PENANAKlnUOphtHP
劇情細節的提醒:480Please respect copyright.PENANAfrsg7T6ztU
480Please respect copyright.PENANAUGj1ymR95K
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:480Please respect copyright.PENANAKlzFAiPFVG
480Please respect copyright.PENANAyboWAClJBd
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。480Please respect copyright.PENANA6yeKEfFk6Z
480Please respect copyright.PENANAW96zKbz7RK
參考網站:480Please respect copyright.PENANAd8sMpk3hBh
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html480Please respect copyright.PENANAvHlguXy4VY
480Please respect copyright.PENANAPSCH0mFoOs
480Please respect copyright.PENANA3utjXpCrEL
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。480Please respect copyright.PENANAwqOoqekQFr
480Please respect copyright.PENANAdRPG3c8HTL
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。480Please respect copyright.PENANAabmQWjJk6o
480Please respect copyright.PENANACZqXmUpHh3
480Please respect copyright.PENANAJaTJ6yTgRu
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。480Please respect copyright.PENANAyilIJKr1YI
480Please respect copyright.PENANAEeeNOWgmUU
480Please respect copyright.PENANABmX3Fzzyz2
角色:480Please respect copyright.PENANAiLCygWy9t2
480Please respect copyright.PENANAIVlBtqKtax
以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:480Please respect copyright.PENANAAbukW9shP2
480Please respect copyright.PENANA0scFA8gnF0
主角:俊明
480Please respect copyright.PENANAlfAmMdiFcp
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)480Please respect copyright.PENANA8hHv0vw79u
480Please respect copyright.PENANADuXUJm72Rh
主角現狀:遭人排擠
480Please respect copyright.PENANAo1eEuf99U5
奉翊:480Please respect copyright.PENANAyIkxKxU65P
不擅長飛行。480Please respect copyright.PENANAZWt3NTJYXu
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。480Please respect copyright.PENANAyg1A9eVi0I
480Please respect copyright.PENANA0VHmRHNX9d
480Please respect copyright.PENANA8Y3aXs42fd
480Please respect copyright.PENANAWN6jCR19ba
對於角色整體的感想:480Please respect copyright.PENANAPW1Ie9dzhV
480Please respect copyright.PENANAhlkxsRe9cZ
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。480Please respect copyright.PENANACqD6dl6hMf
480Please respect copyright.PENANAGOFnRCZPIu
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。480Please respect copyright.PENANASnos256V0n
480Please respect copyright.PENANAgOi2baPlu1
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:480Please respect copyright.PENANAOPJSfCf0oZ
480Please respect copyright.PENANAzcKCICVxPd
原作:480Please respect copyright.PENANA6ScMimowJV
480Please respect copyright.PENANAZuyFUDaTq5
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388480Please respect copyright.PENANAL2zJ8iIUvM
480Please respect copyright.PENANAn9b1wAaU01
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)480Please respect copyright.PENANASUXLNkd8bZ
480Please respect copyright.PENANAXKJ66BpXT5
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):480Please respect copyright.PENANAzNGA4exvV1
480Please respect copyright.PENANA5aMkX3IUZ5
調整後:480Please respect copyright.PENANA1WdC9O2fi3
480Please respect copyright.PENANAPcBpOv6ehs
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。480Please respect copyright.PENANAekxVoYLjL3
480Please respect copyright.PENANAt8YFYL6zkU
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。480Please respect copyright.PENANAAl1OTiQ1gP
480Please respect copyright.PENANAcLbvaHlmWe
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。480Please respect copyright.PENANAS2DDbGqCz8
480Please respect copyright.PENANAqCNUpr6jiQ
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」480Please respect copyright.PENANAtLy3bSqmuJ
480Please respect copyright.PENANAfeyO6yUKg6
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。480Please respect copyright.PENANAKTM1egqNeb
480Please respect copyright.PENANAv1qLALdpvs
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:480Please respect copyright.PENANA3w7MwwI1gy
480Please respect copyright.PENANAGjZ3MhFvf1
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」480Please respect copyright.PENANAV8VnMw9eCc
480Please respect copyright.PENANA575WntBMK3
查喀比茲?那是什麼?480Please respect copyright.PENANAgXJkUDho2x
480Please respect copyright.PENANAc6w7nlVjUM
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:480Please respect copyright.PENANAi3rzUvIR3l
480Please respect copyright.PENANAOVZK1FxWN6
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」480Please respect copyright.PENANAW1JENlncv1
480Please respect copyright.PENANARRmS54cVOM
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。480Please respect copyright.PENANAzA5IwR0gTg
480Please respect copyright.PENANAmg0eOEEsGH
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」480Please respect copyright.PENANAnuzUJ9t5H3
480Please respect copyright.PENANAAi6sYHb1nz
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。480Please respect copyright.PENANAr8PHU5y1DF
480Please respect copyright.PENANABBiwGPIxW0
他進一步解釋道:480Please respect copyright.PENANA0dZNZCdefy
480Please respect copyright.PENANAZYgW2gC1wG
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」480Please respect copyright.PENANAcv7eJpVf7d
480Please respect copyright.PENANAwJQJe983pG
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:480Please respect copyright.PENANAI5ZVotjGiy
480Please respect copyright.PENANAFKqbEpeQjn
「查詢,查喀比茲。」480Please respect copyright.PENANAVEeYlu37Ho
480Please respect copyright.PENANAtPnTJ3cnxa
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。480Please respect copyright.PENANA3LNTGlj7UI
480Please respect copyright.PENANAFUFgo2Wtee
「──查無此項結果。」480Please respect copyright.PENANAtC0XOR33JE
480Please respect copyright.PENANAflMvq6IKeC
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。480Please respect copyright.PENANAFfu7YlqdJc
480Please respect copyright.PENANAIw8QISES63
「啊啊!」480Please respect copyright.PENANAbCexOOzdRy
480Please respect copyright.PENANAVep16HW8DN
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。480Please respect copyright.PENANAJLvj3BTC2B
480Please respect copyright.PENANA7Wt38TDAAG
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」480Please respect copyright.PENANAbqGmk13RkY
480Please respect copyright.PENANAxDS2HDzoKn
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:480Please respect copyright.PENANAc5edBIKfMw
480Please respect copyright.PENANALb5viNg2Mf
查喀比茲。480Please respect copyright.PENANABhgIGbgd4I
480Please respect copyright.PENANApgxDlrLFYm
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。480Please respect copyright.PENANAGYy0vMyvlo
480Please respect copyright.PENANA3KI5mZK9EV
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。480Please respect copyright.PENANAjtgshUJN7S
480Please respect copyright.PENANA0HpoBMFmDu
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:480Please respect copyright.PENANAWm6Ue0MSJW
480Please respect copyright.PENANAfmDEtxAmTn
「你、你、你……該不會──」480Please respect copyright.PENANAjSdgzlVyec
480Please respect copyright.PENANAj5axIO85Qn
「沒錯,我就是──」480Please respect copyright.PENANAZSYL9bLVjq
480Please respect copyright.PENANAfRm4phk55G
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:480Please respect copyright.PENANArp4eGisyiH
480Please respect copyright.PENANAh0j4KpnOgo
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」480Please respect copyright.PENANAdKl2KPoxcC
480Please respect copyright.PENANA4CYAZF6yRs
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:480Please respect copyright.PENANA0ljtguy7IF
480Please respect copyright.PENANAdd11gfmDEX
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」480Please respect copyright.PENANANFYDWmapce
480Please respect copyright.PENANAEZjBfPLYQW
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。480Please respect copyright.PENANAB2GfIFpWqv
480Please respect copyright.PENANAL3SJ6wy0Ld
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:480Please respect copyright.PENANA1VRegBxSPB
480Please respect copyright.PENANAUekq2TXW3z
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」480Please respect copyright.PENANA6srIhaZ6tF
480Please respect copyright.PENANAvRTrIIAmqV
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。480Please respect copyright.PENANAzomd0MhhaS
480Please respect copyright.PENANAaDBa3v6AYe
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。480Please respect copyright.PENANAN9JKITZpA7
480Please respect copyright.PENANA8yDXcbM8UZ
主線劇情:480Please respect copyright.PENANA77AGTdhPZA
480Please respect copyright.PENANAns9iOgVdQW
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。480Please respect copyright.PENANA67SAbwKc0m
480Please respect copyright.PENANAiGbVs33PDL
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。480Please respect copyright.PENANAWUDaxtCrCD
480Please respect copyright.PENANADdkg4Wfsxo
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。480Please respect copyright.PENANAElOQ6lcUg9
480Please respect copyright.PENANAmMqdrT720m
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:480Please respect copyright.PENANAmgWSqjMDR0
480Please respect copyright.PENANAxYbr1uFoml
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)480Please respect copyright.PENANAsDugFhY6eG
480Please respect copyright.PENANAj2qDKjLaEn
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)480Please respect copyright.PENANA31O5f2GUKn
480Please respect copyright.PENANAUVDScMTrbw
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)480Please respect copyright.PENANAWo9lD1vkJo
480Please respect copyright.PENANAOMr8QE3fIs
480Please respect copyright.PENANAWn1ql9cS5q
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。480Please respect copyright.PENANA8w5Lg56sr0
480Please respect copyright.PENANAuA0vWAErLT
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:480Please respect copyright.PENANAVo1tQpRKLA
480Please respect copyright.PENANANpYtWGOdxK
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。480Please respect copyright.PENANAAw5ySJbGEr
480Please respect copyright.PENANAA4b4fBZOfH
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。480Please respect copyright.PENANAfgVfqTDZmp
480Please respect copyright.PENANAJ0P7RoxFIc
那麼差不多是這樣。480Please respect copyright.PENANAyNe3SPCZsz
480Please respect copyright.PENANAj5N6FUGJ0d
480Please respect copyright.PENANAvAPheQwVEh
480Please respect copyright.PENANAO9hUtEqzWQ
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。480Please respect copyright.PENANAKyE9hX3Yl9
480Please respect copyright.PENANA3KAyK6rKnL
總之加油吧。
480Please respect copyright.PENANAROLbVwF06j
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
480Please respect copyright.PENANAvrHUP5VMWK
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
480Please respect copyright.PENANALqlR2y5JaY
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
480Please respect copyright.PENANALHIvtkNvdR
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
480Please respect copyright.PENANAEgmWaxk3FS
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。480Please respect copyright.PENANAcAW4C3swCR
480Please respect copyright.PENANAPrHa7G44u0
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」480Please respect copyright.PENANA9LoSiEboxy
480Please respect copyright.PENANA9S6EmPXJ8Q
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。480Please respect copyright.PENANATKvqeFhQrM
480Please respect copyright.PENANAEkL8XmmiGe
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:480Please respect copyright.PENANAjxhwh7Tr6F
480Please respect copyright.PENANA0Eqt0CYEPR
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」480Please respect copyright.PENANA6DbeBgh6qS
480Please respect copyright.PENANAW6WToExQtl
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
480Please respect copyright.PENANAGplGMNFYdX
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
480Please respect copyright.PENANAtj9DLnLkbU
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
480Please respect copyright.PENANAqO4bjphXRW
主角:俊明480Please respect copyright.PENANAOq6iIUBiVS
480Please respect copyright.PENANAdp6vP2044r
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)480Please respect copyright.PENANAqtwU9g7mI4
480Please respect copyright.PENANACW8qm6e6NX
480Please respect copyright.PENANA2JtYm7hwV3
主角現狀:遭人排擠480Please respect copyright.PENANAx8AQEgvKQF
480Please respect copyright.PENANAiq7dZ8SqCA
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
480Please respect copyright.PENANAOGYdsInTRB
有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。480Please respect copyright.PENANAm1T7URr8KZ
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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