幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
709Please respect copyright.PENANAmBDslF4zNR
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
709Please respect copyright.PENANAYLB9HXNRd0
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
709Please respect copyright.PENANAPMwCNllxUl
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
709Please respect copyright.PENANALQegFiZQZs
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
709Please respect copyright.PENANALF5dLAWaPS
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
709Please respect copyright.PENANAUFL7ln7fwu
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
709Please respect copyright.PENANA1xeu0Dalmj
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。709Please respect copyright.PENANApiu22CfNy7
709Please respect copyright.PENANAgmamvz4rLx
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世界觀:709Please respect copyright.PENANAOaXShBUMJ7
709Please respect copyright.PENANAyn0x3hHkdT
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
709Please respect copyright.PENANAcguOoLEyc2
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
709Please respect copyright.PENANAsSj0ij0ki7
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
709Please respect copyright.PENANA1MY36BG8tI
709Please respect copyright.PENANAoguR5oh6Ht
劇情細節的提醒:709Please respect copyright.PENANArRFdUfRVUb
709Please respect copyright.PENANAg2EiQqHARc
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:709Please respect copyright.PENANAkzMaTaii9P
709Please respect copyright.PENANAac1Fkj0IYX
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。709Please respect copyright.PENANAHlPA80BcTc
709Please respect copyright.PENANAa4MqcHZa6P
參考網站:709Please respect copyright.PENANAmPhERJXZ9i
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html709Please respect copyright.PENANAW7hXh97UxV
709Please respect copyright.PENANAQcMxKSCMdm
709Please respect copyright.PENANAOLHfe9SZzS
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。709Please respect copyright.PENANADtBJUBdWJY
709Please respect copyright.PENANAxVnCCDRnfU
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。709Please respect copyright.PENANAzDhdKGmLv3
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709Please respect copyright.PENANAy5adZLTHV8
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。709Please respect copyright.PENANAciWZthw8P4
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角色:709Please respect copyright.PENANAsnPbeobKbT
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以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:709Please respect copyright.PENANALdTCvNyWRF
709Please respect copyright.PENANANVJWe8omAR
主角:俊明
709Please respect copyright.PENANAOTgbw7R19K
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)709Please respect copyright.PENANATfPaKJ81pR
709Please respect copyright.PENANAXBsnaIAkBi
主角現狀:遭人排擠
709Please respect copyright.PENANAxrPygrtVM6
奉翊:709Please respect copyright.PENANAezmL1w3Tem
不擅長飛行。709Please respect copyright.PENANAocHPYLZzFi
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。709Please respect copyright.PENANA7aXHuFiVMV
709Please respect copyright.PENANA8yS9z2leij
709Please respect copyright.PENANAwuyFBWtgOf
709Please respect copyright.PENANAQU13kUjiy1
對於角色整體的感想:709Please respect copyright.PENANAcMQhNB9bEA
709Please respect copyright.PENANAddBHDe3y9x
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。709Please respect copyright.PENANAKVMgzZD7a3
709Please respect copyright.PENANA3BYgmlFX3a
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。709Please respect copyright.PENANAjWWjP2p6gC
709Please respect copyright.PENANAS9RXBC2ZPr
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:709Please respect copyright.PENANA04nPP6kR16
709Please respect copyright.PENANAiMxZdYKwWe
原作:709Please respect copyright.PENANAvxpXYkcChH
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俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388709Please respect copyright.PENANAhQs33d9Qxn
709Please respect copyright.PENANA3L1zbjdOdi
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)709Please respect copyright.PENANAzwuzZLfMoR
709Please respect copyright.PENANANk8GWUV9ph
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):709Please respect copyright.PENANAPuBScCMXxi
709Please respect copyright.PENANAc28ZRkBMpT
調整後:709Please respect copyright.PENANAfk68e9Rd3b
709Please respect copyright.PENANAzuoUx42Dbz
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。709Please respect copyright.PENANAldfVQ774YB
709Please respect copyright.PENANAZJzfJG5pse
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。709Please respect copyright.PENANAUk1vjOpWfo
709Please respect copyright.PENANAkyhp67YCM1
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。709Please respect copyright.PENANAdn5Dr3tR5r
709Please respect copyright.PENANAXjlop1pFHi
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」709Please respect copyright.PENANAZ6ztXkrHgF
709Please respect copyright.PENANAtKCfTAkeRr
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。709Please respect copyright.PENANAoxAaaJ5w9N
709Please respect copyright.PENANABcQjQzhLVG
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:709Please respect copyright.PENANA3LgCNJlvm1
709Please respect copyright.PENANAe2fxco6S2B
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」709Please respect copyright.PENANA6Tn7v5GQYo
709Please respect copyright.PENANAa14w7Zr00n
查喀比茲?那是什麼?709Please respect copyright.PENANASDwaRCUi8e
709Please respect copyright.PENANAVIHBCcBt0l
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:709Please respect copyright.PENANAGqcmmFzUe5
709Please respect copyright.PENANAbRsBzYxcqV
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」709Please respect copyright.PENANAAjTXRTvbTK
709Please respect copyright.PENANADE3zR4ed8T
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。709Please respect copyright.PENANAPrlKsFhLu6
709Please respect copyright.PENANAk7e7SHW3Xp
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」709Please respect copyright.PENANAypsibP2kX1
709Please respect copyright.PENANA6mKDCjoCQV
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。709Please respect copyright.PENANA8Uoan9hAmc
709Please respect copyright.PENANACCLfkP1YTA
他進一步解釋道:709Please respect copyright.PENANAY9ItGexMJS
709Please respect copyright.PENANAc4YW9wSpcw
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」709Please respect copyright.PENANAg1z7x4XXrz
709Please respect copyright.PENANADOiILYYXzd
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:709Please respect copyright.PENANAsg5fEmIwGl
709Please respect copyright.PENANApZieH7Cc83
「查詢,查喀比茲。」709Please respect copyright.PENANAeTXRt6AAMq
709Please respect copyright.PENANAZ6npHuS2V4
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。709Please respect copyright.PENANAAvPAJpnKBN
709Please respect copyright.PENANAemlaWmwjZC
「──查無此項結果。」709Please respect copyright.PENANA4pwW1OAZ6x
709Please respect copyright.PENANAj0O71c8Nb9
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。709Please respect copyright.PENANA5KxlZJoj6n
709Please respect copyright.PENANA3NCofrzm8C
「啊啊!」709Please respect copyright.PENANAY8GCKsoYxc
709Please respect copyright.PENANAMlBUMhVBgr
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。709Please respect copyright.PENANAchL2aEk3u1
709Please respect copyright.PENANAHFso7cPWhr
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」709Please respect copyright.PENANAPs5UB1Ar6Q
709Please respect copyright.PENANABp6dQw3yV5
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:709Please respect copyright.PENANAqslpOn6I2Z
709Please respect copyright.PENANAk6oMuCa99C
查喀比茲。709Please respect copyright.PENANAcwz0Rv5vL7
709Please respect copyright.PENANAwwhvEe2naZ
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。709Please respect copyright.PENANAHpOkOUwMLa
709Please respect copyright.PENANAaimqMb6x8u
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。709Please respect copyright.PENANAVc2si4nUU7
709Please respect copyright.PENANAsQdr2MBoWy
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:709Please respect copyright.PENANA4zZUj72qOe
709Please respect copyright.PENANAGLPM0Ot4UX
「你、你、你……該不會──」709Please respect copyright.PENANAdbfZGjnyp0
709Please respect copyright.PENANAwTWihYJ7kK
「沒錯,我就是──」709Please respect copyright.PENANASjJcJbXoXs
709Please respect copyright.PENANAqCyQuSC5jY
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:709Please respect copyright.PENANAW1QcT3l4mQ
709Please respect copyright.PENANAIAHjiecD4O
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」709Please respect copyright.PENANAr52JkFnr7b
709Please respect copyright.PENANA4apKtaR4sL
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:709Please respect copyright.PENANAuhWLwmdOKq
709Please respect copyright.PENANALhs5jVW7LV
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」709Please respect copyright.PENANA0ZvGkeKnyY
709Please respect copyright.PENANAEtbawYilqC
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。709Please respect copyright.PENANA7UWzICRr8U
709Please respect copyright.PENANAroNSKgvoi8
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:709Please respect copyright.PENANAtYsZdFuTZ8
709Please respect copyright.PENANAdCX5bQB4kx
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」709Please respect copyright.PENANARCQEQWGq4F
709Please respect copyright.PENANADwclZxPNGN
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。709Please respect copyright.PENANA1d1esxZA2h
709Please respect copyright.PENANAF47YmtFM0Y
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。709Please respect copyright.PENANA5x8sYWbDYv
709Please respect copyright.PENANAzBPTqBsPAp
主線劇情:709Please respect copyright.PENANAaH1pQmCjpT
709Please respect copyright.PENANAn06nDV7JxJ
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。709Please respect copyright.PENANANBO0VMvHzx
709Please respect copyright.PENANAvjewiJ4M52
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。709Please respect copyright.PENANAq07I2L7D2E
709Please respect copyright.PENANAOnIkOMutgb
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。709Please respect copyright.PENANAUrdM0NSrcL
709Please respect copyright.PENANABCd1ZW8z47
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:709Please respect copyright.PENANAeLTR0vpg20
709Please respect copyright.PENANA9zCviQ6dmG
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)709Please respect copyright.PENANAATqMDP8yeU
709Please respect copyright.PENANA9ceeygUep1
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)709Please respect copyright.PENANAX4WI2j9Yl6
709Please respect copyright.PENANApwkxREA5Ju
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)709Please respect copyright.PENANArB3VxJQ22M
709Please respect copyright.PENANAPJUguJ9Ckf
709Please respect copyright.PENANAMOy0CjpJFb
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。709Please respect copyright.PENANAP38dHl9vwd
709Please respect copyright.PENANAuY1P2kcIA4
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:709Please respect copyright.PENANApYBOVN9tbP
709Please respect copyright.PENANArZr9GhX8wX
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。709Please respect copyright.PENANAJP62xVUgUc
709Please respect copyright.PENANAgbfgCqvNZR
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。709Please respect copyright.PENANAOIB4XKz4Cl
709Please respect copyright.PENANAuqjDbUmQPu
那麼差不多是這樣。709Please respect copyright.PENANAq0EWpE2EMu
709Please respect copyright.PENANALOwEjRtEvd
709Please respect copyright.PENANAqI97e6SBx7
709Please respect copyright.PENANAXVB2d9f7re
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。709Please respect copyright.PENANAAXXR3edtrC
709Please respect copyright.PENANAZcdE1WqwhM
總之加油吧。
709Please respect copyright.PENANAypnImE9UDA
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
709Please respect copyright.PENANABGUVK0vAFJ
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
709Please respect copyright.PENANASKNtdrIJNU
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
709Please respect copyright.PENANAdtVkl2lfGc
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
709Please respect copyright.PENANAOjkzicWzRk
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。709Please respect copyright.PENANAYZ0lSGYpRh
709Please respect copyright.PENANAhsxcI5ekmL
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」709Please respect copyright.PENANAggZjweVfxW
709Please respect copyright.PENANAS3Uq3IbxLY
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。709Please respect copyright.PENANAz3h3L2v0C4
709Please respect copyright.PENANAfHHh9ZPk2X
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:709Please respect copyright.PENANAJVWoGNoBAG
709Please respect copyright.PENANAf8WGdjVFV0
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」709Please respect copyright.PENANAQenLr3QPtz
709Please respect copyright.PENANAJulLkXF4wV
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
709Please respect copyright.PENANAPeDVtyUWGl
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
709Please respect copyright.PENANAZsTKChvqdC
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
709Please respect copyright.PENANAFDxAFRZEwq
主角:俊明709Please respect copyright.PENANA1LBsaXCBOb
709Please respect copyright.PENANAQJPZHJsJxr
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)709Please respect copyright.PENANAV4GyTeeBR2
709Please respect copyright.PENANANUCk5UkgAb
709Please respect copyright.PENANAHSdxNKcr7q
主角現狀:遭人排擠709Please respect copyright.PENANAs5LtKIIaFR
709Please respect copyright.PENANA4AnvHspWfi
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
709Please respect copyright.PENANACMH6aeS01f
有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。709Please respect copyright.PENANAPnuqzZi2ss
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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