My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ75xdY2ORhX
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo0JhutaD3U
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDSXWSe6RNg
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh9ZQJqr3ee
Hmm... 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdd0zfQCwE2
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHtVbtajoI4
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXKFmFLTQU3
"You can have have all the adult toys."537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsg7NM4s4S5
Except for the pecker enhancer!537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHdXqwkWVSV
"That's all I need..."537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD8jjfPzGGb
"Wait!"537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9p48Enrl2A
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGfou2qQupJ
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOqFB7LYReT
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGkNqO7UUlD
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd5PXMvTz2y
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvZyRVQoGs0
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUMdzjQlvVZ
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7GMPnq9VuQ
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZBT0T6kOsD
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6rvWftZS79
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhzORlZR8G
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSecXuYzZFF
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡENKtjHm8ei
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnYAOEHRLwa
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNFEgYRz291
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1tXFIcfXuB
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAGgmw8dGjZ
(Sarah laughs)537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTWgQTGDX6t
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQVecsfpNLV
"Gosh Darn!"537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtkXkonLGX8
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqB1v3rbwsl
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBkvPjBuTHS
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwORlYs4viS
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBpEQKsvKw1
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSihk6TYGYH
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm5f3SSyorq
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlUfP40Pu9j
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDE1Akr1dC6
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjj1Ny529Wj
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9jDByI2HDS
(Sarah says what)537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbshGhuRLlW
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH43VUeMrQj
(he laughs and Sarah winks)537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcXig35E7vR
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX4ooG4BSjB
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMGu2xwX6Hm
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxTamgPql8b
(Keith laughs hard)537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt4Hy3nWuwD
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeBZh1Jtnxu
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGPMQzm1I66
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl5ztYLC7uk
Honey,537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZW7Zmc4kaM
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8duEOcm8nR
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVvEpIT1apP
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlZkQSCaOFK
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0la0cmc89K
Keith says,537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvNtHZK81ml
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡenloTuKfGu
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡigI6nHHsV1
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡprRHh3fgpx
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2JpTHQQXSd
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx12L6F7kzL
"Ground beef!"537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuemzg4k9aG
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxLuDSSd4vm
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8zOmYYZ1fY
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnH3gnV1za7
Lawsuits.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5BoThbBuJW
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDdNb6ss3Dw
Keith's friends knew him as the 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwjuKfsXpOm
Clown Jester of Bakersville.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoeaoIbSK6R
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRsRWPK4Ye7
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWfx5JtkUry
Because he was so outstanding in his field!537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBYQqhaG9aM
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzgoxyBVDro
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQqFqDy0m5R
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmqIMCjM0Oc
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXX1Ka2pmSl
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIWruEGwMzM
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbHCWOOAKgJ
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgAVtH9NshE
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsiG9qRQ5i3
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvrOvFzmLSC
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF1lj9J6BPG
Having heard them all before, many times.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDyeut8kRER
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrfvqa7Bluh
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe2OdxWdKyw
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRSZYa0PQyU
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdTYGfvsR5x
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLVP9xCMQU4
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnNpYGJWgqA
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLXlPCtbeZG
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4yECm9x8Y7
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ICWyKRA0h
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡip30KWJuMR
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFznEovRjIq
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdrnVop6TiF
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2PPqgQiuYQ
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB1AM70Erml
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Gw2jF7d5R
(audience chuckles)537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLwMRHjqNX5
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUICEn4wkG6
I haven't heard from him since.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSfyWdnoBXq
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC2Uk9aqvXN
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsNcvLmohBH
(audience laughing)537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkIyiHO1wZH
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHilUlMAzHa
She still isn't talking to me.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLQu6FcLcZm
(Keith smiles)537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS339YEO4wt
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiiNWZwxTjd
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwET1OwCBie
but I am on the fence!537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlE5uEWLk1h
(audience laughing hard)537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq1AkS03CNj
[He gets on a roll]537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi6w4jKwdT8
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrPLCQpkuA7
She gave me a hug!537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSg9DjAfkE2
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ54V2GV6f71
Hey!537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh0tDymwTe8
What is the worst combination of illnesses?537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwqHqe5um7q
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsKXxMZfwj6
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvfygfykU9W
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrb2afXyvyD
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV7482jlj8X
How do you get a squirrel to like you?537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKrYZljIhzr
Act like a nut.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCfxoUXSJ8T
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkaMRVnw27q
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvtTVo5p3sX
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAE9eyMAvcf
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs1gPztOvab
So I Left.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYO3Lsk5W2F
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS7FaIKqRim
"The steaks were pretty high!"537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ63QiGTXja5
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD1fLjoSeQA
Goodnight!"537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJWdMDh5IxQ
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKwj4XY0PSi
He went home happier537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNu3xxbRSPw
than he ever
Dreamed!537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDMWBuH8x7I
537Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdjOvTJ6uRx
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.206da2
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