My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE5zNJNxEZv
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIEKYpikpQV
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSrHgNRHl6G
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt4VqngBqc6
Hmm... 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Zar82uYDE
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg8B0Px2EI9
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwMY31f3ouE
"You can have have all the adult toys."757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzjHEbW5pgL
Except for the pecker enhancer!757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEKNHttAfS7
"That's all I need..."757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjNz7pkQJ9w
"Wait!"757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyJgyyYwdmc
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡesYQ2j2Mtr
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡca3QBtJ8vP
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ74z3CbEKP0
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZpiNkUIEJS
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwz8rs7CGvq
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMtv8fTvJ4w
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdOzDDs2KYy
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO1PqLbtmbl
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt3JeCOrtli
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL1qSreZShS
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnTansLhkZP
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡng4Wb2GWgM
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzCFQBytfzd
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeqmdb7IlmV
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL1LUtW4hYU
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRVYrvpoXCt
(Sarah laughs)757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRr6OKF5RSG
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdNUDlCNgLw
"Gosh Darn!"757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIDAnE52apC
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJtG591LShf
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLhI9yzkvMj
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9qCDixp3zz
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2KfhiSOZB8
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSC5mwZuuwP
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡabfDkYd1hZ
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKi21NVhnnT
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡohmZW7UztB
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡErkGZJMqN2
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtTrVoMbCQF
(Sarah says what)757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRCbXECaaQd
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY6hI4Bduzc
(he laughs and Sarah winks)757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9DFM0irjsS
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ7bYZ7GZ5W
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZzBcHeOYy1
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡosetguz98k
(Keith laughs hard)757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHpMGkFD7Qd
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡojiKIAiJ4I
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKJBJc0rc3L
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdvOyRwdtnF
Honey,757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBuTs4633V1
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpwkJG1HqiV
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVlqcyYdIg1
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmrUmAcWomy
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVVnkXMUSk0
Keith says,757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPI2stKmUci
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKbpZqj2kZN
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJSFjPUg338
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgSHnwKf2Xi
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSc0lrKKlw4
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMgkJksDmu7
"Ground beef!"757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ00a75suu1d
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI466GoiXQi
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe7Qi8KHmDo
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY00ztyN6Mp
Lawsuits.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOnK1xvKN5Y
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoSq10dyyb4
Keith's friends knew him as the 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtLnLxiCEEZ
Clown Jester of Bakersville.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3IfQSHK4WA
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlAdhAy7UPj
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuuyJIcYca5
Because he was so outstanding in his field!757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4hFOiRN9yX
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj5SipqI5B9
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwYqRI7HFra
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUtqP5lDg2Q
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFwYXWVzIlf
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4WfWaFAW94
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfS8qSTdZ9l
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2DSu8iO12E
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡurAmqUyrCq
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv3doim3rtF
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp8gjtE8vMc
Having heard them all before, many times.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbVjE80NbOq
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIkNdF9vlFu
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxUn3Iksfoz
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6oqtLh5c6k
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuUJAhL5myK
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPkTCIh9ZA
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ucLXk8Q0b
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡokRHKHeqQ9
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVZXw70CBmA
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMVoARSe7kI
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsP01tBwjlp
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpM33ytDTsI
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIu9QxkAyPj
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKCzetmeiA6
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3kQLB7wbDz
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡceAaqEz83n
(audience chuckles)757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSyKgBvOSK0
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡghca2XpvIJ
I haven't heard from him since.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkZl9ywUzSH
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgJFWpCfD8i
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrNhO5jMpo1
(audience laughing)757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFjmqhd6kRt
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmXJnEYawQj
She still isn't talking to me.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡprOTO1lo9a
(Keith smiles)757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOFztp3VooH
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ80gumFaNcf
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN0XtsyJ30w
but I am on the fence!757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCUhAugRKGM
(audience laughing hard)757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSs2mCPdL28
[He gets on a roll]757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6juv2QvHPo
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBfk8ZK3ILs
She gave me a hug!757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEYVG1l72ON
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmtRBynJBR1
Hey!757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSDIyLUKsm5
What is the worst combination of illnesses?757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUN9GaeDbrF
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzjWxPNL4Gr
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOPmbAknWvk
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvxG4K8p5jM
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQfFUAV0mSg
How do you get a squirrel to like you?757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5eIoXm6hL1
Act like a nut.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHkfx8kZYJr
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRJBCtCVp2m
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡochbg4JCvI
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLvkhtZv53Q
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXP9kKWnP5b
So I Left.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrkXU3d3LUZ
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWoEKV8fZ9q
"The steaks were pretty high!"757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyfcqKRG2P3
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUXHZNPWj88
Goodnight!"757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdCk8BsARGX
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxttQpHrp5W
He went home happier757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqweFrzrkR5
than he ever
Dreamed!757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6KYpHl7pEO
757Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMP2N14LQv3
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.208da2
and then Add to home screen.