My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpPt42WVBdO
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3r0bUyY1CT
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVeIC3GRwsL
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFB3WjaTtJ7
Hmm... 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQNm0b46WLB
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTsuUVnNcch
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJppnJyamMe
"You can have have all the adult toys."467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvvw5fSJEqi
Except for the pecker enhancer!467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfC9w1bRI0r
"That's all I need..."467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDthclw2pu0
"Wait!"467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyNcb0PesJr
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNewAq37d0L
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLueokNLArR
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkYTpqNy1Uy
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9l9bq4ZBZ5
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO2p0j4W3Yu
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUCdDFpj2QC
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcz3DKs43nr
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPF1G4NwwF9
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡow80wSTdyB
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuOI22MkS6Q
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXD4xKHLmYL
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFvcN4lEoez
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhkPH138iDa
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeMj94Q32cw
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkzoio0V6Le
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO3ugJViYG2
(Sarah laughs)467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWWyRgZSNQv
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl3eXJKMIbp
"Gosh Darn!"467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr3NwZZ91JU
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEHfoTCcy12
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWsuyei4rkI
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNjS8QydO3K
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzZxthR8CWd
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvZ9PDqD0Uk
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2iXacpFcxU
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH8gsWJRpNj
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgYsG0LcyrW
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoy1VGdhPjS
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ikbBa5uSP
(Sarah says what)467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbYdRvPksZW
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7GIGMTPEju
(he laughs and Sarah winks)467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYXzEFuwCfw
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbpfemDT4Va
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡINmYCeBQuA
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTcmaGZWvxA
(Keith laughs hard)467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOAwQuE62Fu
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWeBPRmWTmJ
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo4qiLHHzmW
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYG77wJahn0
Honey,467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTA5hfCrAkH
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw5i4UW4bHO
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFdz7D7JXv3
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYzKemzkmB8
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpvZiTjUNul
Keith says,467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9UrdHaZITV
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTSwhlQ41Pc
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDxlUPoMOhr
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGya6CGuLT0
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmp1PRN4nDB
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdMfj2Hkg0B
"Ground beef!"467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVW1PTI0PDc
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD4o6kRND38
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw1eFqzGhg4
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk20uBN9INb
Lawsuits.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk4zAxO9eLc
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqq6vGKxXz4
Keith's friends knew him as the 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUwPAlNrMjA
Clown Jester of Bakersville.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm2P6yEznSm
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpgI3yMQf5z
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw6kMfArzrk
Because he was so outstanding in his field!467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDm82ipC2Ui
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHQmYubH2Ke
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqnNpA9ApaL
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqBR8nhSM68
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY2V4ompWWr
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ2ukTRjDP9
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcWfl6SOXG5
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSB133nA87c
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXRuxwsfBiV
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9LE60t4tRs
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYy15PWK4dd
Having heard them all before, many times.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGKtH3YFE4z
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1p6113LBQX
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1OzIKIFNzu
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW5P352CpiP
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyPvAPv9Jsg
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡClw9zld32h
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSUHdOVYDtP
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEzhFUkBiiT
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsNLeW8ozCm
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTmvwXK6Opj
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv3e18HhR0F
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrqIAn1g4aX
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfYtsQPHmk5
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8YQ9k89bXT
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3POWFOoi1J
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLjlf9xUyPn
(audience chuckles)467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6RzkqaFQZt
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUD17JELHwI
I haven't heard from him since.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx1wd0z7duR
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSW7BJdNs2T
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0JQuoQylhH
(audience laughing)467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCME2wHdxGy
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkShMOlHI7M
She still isn't talking to me.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsB2JKUSqpg
(Keith smiles)467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9vxqtbZa8d
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOrLOclVuMi
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUnOTz49lUN
but I am on the fence!467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrvb2RzvY78
(audience laughing hard)467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEKF9dhUTRZ
[He gets on a roll]467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpiUOAkya7r
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa0nUOrrFzR
She gave me a hug!467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvEwKBNArzH
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3atvhChT4V
Hey!467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5pPA6I3zsU
What is the worst combination of illnesses?467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8x73FWtnyd
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeXuhhwgc8T
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKt2awXzZeg
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSkfEafbcki
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDjzjzT0mS1
How do you get a squirrel to like you?467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhihlxoRlFq
Act like a nut.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkt16zoqnQl
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6L7tuFbU1F
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmhCfSTqLaD
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYn1RyEmVwv
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy7jKylBWHv
So I Left.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtIgEwQWbJz
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlqtPZvs0s6
"The steaks were pretty high!"467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCalHOJyXVy
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzHkrsJY6Bf
Goodnight!"467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOSG6kyAmGY
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2fJs9c1K7U
He went home happier467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ46GDUkRh5C
than he ever
Dreamed!467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuJEJoUV0ZC
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBj7c8YEfmt
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.178da2
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