My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBbdYkqyZFR
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhHs0BL56Pz
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVDEUq2Y126
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlB8Vbo3TqY
Hmm... 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNfl49WCP0N
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbB9s7MPDOV
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwbnrTiuVPa
"You can have have all the adult toys."387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVxrKUruOov
Except for the pecker enhancer!387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡktBt79ZO06
"That's all I need..."387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNTgVgsBjeH
"Wait!"387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3h6YdERmGf
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSSCgGO4pkK
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4hfQWHmAak
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTF9se8Za5T
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfWWM47EWG0
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡegbWY5v8Ym
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡauVv0n3Jpj
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp8vS2dTKC3
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPofi4F4P1j
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKSkRUsoaFc
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq73QtqOQNg
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeyJ9EoQjKn
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv0VKgJ2hnH
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9lS4sf9TeO
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2sIfLItrbW
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMQ42Nj18fn
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHiWLue2RWj
(Sarah laughs)387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOxFsP96kNS
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfuWskd5YQ3
"Gosh Darn!"387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIFtklxZHxQ
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkH22ieqaNo
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiCux6orvtk
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡliJ0gFzYJI
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCZKYFGPPcF
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFz8Q4laexT
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBM1ge7uDSL
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvzRenSmKEO
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYuy9C6mRWw
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsqSXkdNSl3
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLjyUrSJvBu
(Sarah says what)387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHpgqwlS6YN
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmAvZzr1DZ8
(he laughs and Sarah winks)387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡej77APxCDb
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfv62zJT3GD
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlY8MAaHJP8
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn1pw0JLRkA
(Keith laughs hard)387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi5qV9Dm3fO
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4VHMsxQH5x
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdgChjt2kmI
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ShH9CLqqh
Honey,387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7w2j3hV7Pd
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWkYI6KAzG7
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXhBjJThXyB
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡri5Uc64Ipk
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlZgOolAT2G
Keith says,387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNBlA5X97NQ
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0RMwLHLwFT
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4TbWqGC6xj
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9oLtfVQ3Sa
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzjoLRrfqCp
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNhaUJojsvt
"Ground beef!"387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO0et92dtG4
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFnuJc0dx7W
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjyStqhsOA4
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbKnh4xjxhj
Lawsuits.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMk3fnSsURo
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV1MiHVePFK
Keith's friends knew him as the 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡySWDNLayKP
Clown Jester of Bakersville.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaBGmi9XoGE
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwwo0Jn2CBM
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZCKZVMANvm
Because he was so outstanding in his field!387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqp6geB3l3Z
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTxICnjWIDi
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZrae90nWqk
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVv2vvs1zN3
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsBztGvPpel
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEwRRlToAti
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡubKnOkE4BP
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRefBoGvA1S
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0wvdT60S54
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡndfjT6A1cn
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0bGPA3LPK8
Having heard them all before, many times.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHfIkMDcyNj
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYlVhOzCNgb
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMJ3d0OKvdl
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOtMdEpt2C4
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ25WhH1nBcb
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3XrsJNuwaD
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡndbvRJZfo4
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlatihLXqm1
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAiPeXSfdWr
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVSmfK9oSOG
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOdl9eaYGD3
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ3zJ2Fq3G5
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU36Du6yxW4
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP1zF7AShWt
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyf7XiKUhZN
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnfo2ebQBcb
(audience chuckles)387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjuapO5RZdR
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwgr5FOvcZY
I haven't heard from him since.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyKUU6xvDvI
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnbdbKaa2Xs
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6BXVeN52MP
(audience laughing)387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8e5xpAiVTa
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsi7Y2v5fbY
She still isn't talking to me.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRgB8zNFJmW
(Keith smiles)387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqkNFAtLoxf
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡibSvO5DtpH
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmQUu18euvm
but I am on the fence!387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8HDER0ZcYd
(audience laughing hard)387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ43Fv2P4V0t
[He gets on a roll]387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX4bn2U2iRk
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyjKD9XifEA
She gave me a hug!387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaN1XMUByb9
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9mZhfF7wlX
Hey!387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMk8TYcenR8
What is the worst combination of illnesses?387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡua2poI6eYm
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp8OxFMqZJk
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJBxgZwsLwi
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsRutXusWoh
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ97gFNYkt69
How do you get a squirrel to like you?387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ745iuVBWS1
Act like a nut.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkPsJ7C04TG
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Xlo8GhTiy
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS7whcKYixK
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqpQnpa2Mh2
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvK19dieW2L
So I Left.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8TEzhrD504
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8AwYm9HDTX
"The steaks were pretty high!"387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHbcwOhw5SE
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPp4hWjZ8fK
Goodnight!"387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB54KmZBDgC
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvUAaV6eM6z
He went home happier387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIFASXD9x7j
than he ever
Dreamed!387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgqTd25hlgV
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRB0XxZIP9R
© Charles Kemp
ns18.222.215.20da2
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