My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNNtiITqhDC
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPItA8JHSaB
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOgtstkzDo2
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpw9ZXrGvkC
Hmm... 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1AvFwHaIBc
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpUsinjiZg6
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJdx1HxWPns
"You can have have all the adult toys."376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFHtI6aEgAF
Except for the pecker enhancer!376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyiAn1bRuWz
"That's all I need..."376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEwLkMO4Qlr
"Wait!"376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWRu6QV1his
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBbKNvJUgXI
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgOJOdgIuE8
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvE0FCS8cYa
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ503LUu3g8
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyrq8kVbJzh
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAWIeP4AFhn
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQUwks0LDLg
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEcPvjrk2XE
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe2J0eQj964
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ikA6c3BrR
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfip1qZ0eBB
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRJDtWce4R3
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfgsE0to49C
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyEPs8HTPSs
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMqqHJolWSM
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhwq9CAq7UB
(Sarah laughs)376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr6ODryKZwT
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfnV2FTeL2H
"Gosh Darn!"376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4FpfkUIo1e
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjpFcSzGo8y
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuUxd63htKd
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡefUf9IryUr
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGbRmGBLdP8
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQfhGtp4uwS
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlb6468H2gq
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNy9HpliPld
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡijrtx3ouYR
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmvYTLAvt5K
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvBWLPJV8Ya
(Sarah says what)376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡckqW4vcCgS
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuSUgPau77T
(he laughs and Sarah winks)376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzaPAduEEU6
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoLkQfXFsaN
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP7qEso0e8t
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡobPICJvYHX
(Keith laughs hard)376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsGigkvY8BJ
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZcwGauDUve
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLsFF04unkM
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Jl9OMc7GU
Honey,376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8qmI8Ky0Jv
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH31UPhdOtc
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ805Z7R72Kn
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡptzpEzYygY
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4payapJGTK
Keith says,376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw6GP6fKgef
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6GbFbCdSyP
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFodEjgUDZI
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAXIUeIXLQD
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc13sXjGx7K
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVoBujh42Lv
"Ground beef!"376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEoyiGeP1hA
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa8Zh9RlIZW
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCelAz1TH3m
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrKnewfv7ui
Lawsuits.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqgCkCAXdYi
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡknR0fRnLLa
Keith's friends knew him as the 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZohDRH3339
Clown Jester of Bakersville.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXaRaIyueiC
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDvDb5IqdIR
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwaD6CjKLql
Because he was so outstanding in his field!376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPtKR3kJPWC
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtAtZap3POG
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3lZsEJke3l
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaDIAXXYGa4
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeuz60L0AVi
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhT7IfB9EBG
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiuGqZCS3zx
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg3LB7HvCF3
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxHXFPyaD63
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7xNMK1Q9nt
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS0ha2hAhJ4
Having heard them all before, many times.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFkamS6EuZO
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPOBBKu2qY5
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSOKv5LcNkH
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfQ82F4sDzU
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0yI8vaMWnb
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIlfKiJ8gXF
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqEdIEm2f74
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡszjxO0fNvV
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdTKASAVkCX
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVGsTVbxt7R
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa7vMqOZlG6
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG21p8Z3bRE
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJNprvBxcfW
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXd7NhU5JgE
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyVPsONYFtR
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLahQrTxCAR
(audience chuckles)376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUsVfC3Sl7o
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUfLNTNy6Am
I haven't heard from him since.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo0qeFx1cZ2
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjrfXJhMqSZ
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡww9tfdTdZJ
(audience laughing)376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo3CEElMVcV
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxaMnVhw457
She still isn't talking to me.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm6qrG0HvMj
(Keith smiles)376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3WoSMvQtDK
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHxAJebHc8d
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSwyYL5PBSv
but I am on the fence!376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZdpdL4v0g7
(audience laughing hard)376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGd6DFdl7hj
[He gets on a roll]376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2i07ioGRby
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNLaMDtLTOe
She gave me a hug!376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmcmzCp8pzH
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbYc87YRMfu
Hey!376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrojdpe2bz9
What is the worst combination of illnesses?376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBC3FNqOZA8
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW6CXnHPepj
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiYkY7IRhH1
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4h3I6E7ohC
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrWha5c9H4P
How do you get a squirrel to like you?376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm3O0pJdDdF
Act like a nut.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf3uOyt66eM
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRu73fWyIS7
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOozD2Z4RVE
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAPgjP2nH7B
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ14a7EHUguJ
So I Left.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡupOQMfehmd
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFMp6jH7Kt0
"The steaks were pretty high!"376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxgUc2MSTCR
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSTXV37Qxu2
Goodnight!"376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4DupWQ9Spn
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ5lM5uZ6It
He went home happier376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXE9XVtVdtX
than he ever
Dreamed!376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiH0Lx4qZuc
376Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoWMcr47anB
© Charles Kemp
ns3.144.101.104da2
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