My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg8XFnk5FYg
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZdmRfJe4a0
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs49iPcpKnq
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmzblaMEEC8
Hmm... 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZU9HAV2amj
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpVM56OU4OD
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYUIuSSUM1M
"You can have have all the adult toys."790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1bm9hUay47
Except for the pecker enhancer!790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2hZ8sqwo7F
"That's all I need..."790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnDoQvHEIoZ
"Wait!"790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpY7FUk7V1f
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjDIQkfTBAB
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG05fx1uy4y
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9HWnC9C1e1
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmjLkbtpJzE
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIdNSQ1wzXl
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8SrdmU05Bn
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiROjyYmD70
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYGNBNHoij4
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAWyLG3kV9w
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBMPEDXfbzl
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡieccY9B239
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRPQfgwX6bw
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8wvkCavqIe
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcvmQbHcztU
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwbXn1S4B39
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMoN0Ror8hq
(Sarah laughs)790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaAm9fIAbto
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYgLoilWcqi
"Gosh Darn!"790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb6NTSst1sq
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQLQuUGvMsZ
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ20glHIC9mv
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJEIkKDcupg
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK4YsJ1GS3V
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0c1BRUyvKc
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEK3H1IzTo4
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5WBxGN3VhT
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSqGGx3YdKt
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnJel52So11
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZCV4HPYxpx
(Sarah says what)790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBHaFf6mNKf
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRah3gPwCch
(he laughs and Sarah winks)790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgnXrxx9EaC
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8htPgKuKHn
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFctrsGqz63
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNsD6sM6n57
(Keith laughs hard)790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG4TreS6Iwh
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPPzhY8qK7x
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5fNoqJ7EdY
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8K9wP9Kbfo
Honey,790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7sxUeIe0XD
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSTW9kCjmTh
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGu1dlMUOPl
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEokgd530oU
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLWM2tHWm1C
Keith says,790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwuKhkSAZSw
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFbIzUt3zJL
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRedz4u2bKC
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvyaG53jgmq
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ2kYtsLlsA
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3HbeRX9Nyv
"Ground beef!"790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLjNGn04Bfj
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCmOuZfsE3d
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡntac94OMQy
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUI21RmIZIp
Lawsuits.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtoUR7zxs8G
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrYLeeXynJf
Keith's friends knew him as the 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSwEoXzxNHD
Clown Jester of Bakersville.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡycnUdFToK0
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBDHGrgJl5P
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡloiiJVWxBn
Because he was so outstanding in his field!790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrgBRQjBS6g
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡruQuRwACmR
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx5RjkkyMnp
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBzNTFIGZcK
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNOxO1vXnp8
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDIfWS9wfNX
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxszOFjdbCc
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBlODvprBy3
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB5dLQo7unB
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8AeE3xIPVe
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFCyE2Yw3zn
Having heard them all before, many times.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVNcR80rCZN
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXs4JNozsd1
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx8cx8jzzuT
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKz1bQ6XBSO
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ15llmRXgVU
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUKj6kMhgC7
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV6fuE6E8us
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsPLYuGr1i4
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE7EboiEIvM
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi8m3Bk6jZH
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ0HSB0q6XR
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeSKtgV7Gfw
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVbqO1t1oLU
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcdnPBwECz1
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8s5ibSupC0
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXZRuIcLdQK
(audience chuckles)790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0hhe4lqDUR
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeUZQuvOSWj
I haven't heard from him since.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbWU2iGVv9C
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNWkHVaIt8T
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVqB9Y7QlGI
(audience laughing)790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpKytvEpsgz
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuM5tTHl9I7
She still isn't talking to me.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdpBIjD0hwC
(Keith smiles)790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmnSwjUSXiP
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7YfDM6SvgF
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxKJdPftri0
but I am on the fence!790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5eBBSjXkLy
(audience laughing hard)790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdAv1xsw1lu
[He gets on a roll]790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMz8c4twOO9
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7fxGMFsins
She gave me a hug!790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdv8TUiM9kP
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAf097XAq9k
Hey!790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi38pnjISWl
What is the worst combination of illnesses?790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhS2PpZpsyn
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkLZe10dxlf
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn9HQrm6bUM
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1vDvuxp4J7
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO83Cp32bUp
How do you get a squirrel to like you?790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7BPJl1t1bz
Act like a nut.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmKlF3KOOVS
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBhtafV7C6E
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ztX5kMGGS
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqMxfEk7oG8
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTHjqZaKQly
So I Left.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw8LH2GTH65
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxbPg4folOr
"The steaks were pretty high!"790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCqSiiZXAbX
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlSLtm7h2FS
Goodnight!"790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTjT1u3QOq3
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUK0X4hr6T0
He went home happier790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq97okhSsRe
than he ever
Dreamed!790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIBFD21Jcjy
790Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Lt27GSpg6
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.217.139da2
and then Add to home screen.