My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 149Please respect copyright.PENANA2YmZX9lFnL
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"149Please respect copyright.PENANA3BjQPGGgwq
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)149Please respect copyright.PENANAUyffNfW2xh
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."149Please respect copyright.PENANAFK5wxcOV09
Hmm... 149Please respect copyright.PENANAeflfzB5xl5
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 149Please respect copyright.PENANAxsamctav7f
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 149Please respect copyright.PENANAFwugCN7RxZ
"You can have have all the adult toys."149Please respect copyright.PENANAoARqd0oBAP
Except for the pecker enhancer!149Please respect copyright.PENANA8LbK94eEpw
"That's all I need..."149Please respect copyright.PENANA3Wv0h4g3bA
"Wait!"149Please respect copyright.PENANAIXiRf5TzCl
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?149Please respect copyright.PENANAUjintkH31b
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 149Please respect copyright.PENANA6vAE0ALiDX
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 149Please respect copyright.PENANA9UYO956KJ1
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)149Please respect copyright.PENANAqCIJQquzBR
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"149Please respect copyright.PENANAlcgC6bXQWa
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"149Please respect copyright.PENANAZXjFX7M3OM
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!149Please respect copyright.PENANA4Eo8nKetfW
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?149Please respect copyright.PENANARxF1fdpGz7
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!149Please respect copyright.PENANARuAa9uzIIU
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 149Please respect copyright.PENANAbmCG9FXdTO
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...149Please respect copyright.PENANAPrsQ7rlkmp
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...149Please respect copyright.PENANADHsltSyeuW
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you149Please respect copyright.PENANAfMKiPVpjzC
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.149Please respect copyright.PENANAgXscEl9YYY
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.149Please respect copyright.PENANAu98fM6Zf3m
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"149Please respect copyright.PENANAerhf21rQCz
(Sarah laughs)149Please respect copyright.PENANAWGTG7ltpvK
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."149Please respect copyright.PENANAeQ0R3CGrKP
"Gosh Darn!"149Please respect copyright.PENANAFcNceyRc7x
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...149Please respect copyright.PENANAJU03YotDkB
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 149Please respect copyright.PENANAhtWfQG0JqT
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)149Please respect copyright.PENANARQj1wyccXS
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"149Please respect copyright.PENANAXE2tbbp508
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 149Please respect copyright.PENANAhPWUqNNeFH
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."149Please respect copyright.PENANAD8WseSsPQI
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 149Please respect copyright.PENANAhupTcWpgLm
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.149Please respect copyright.PENANAQw6RH1vTCs
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...149Please respect copyright.PENANAqMfb9eNv6h
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"149Please respect copyright.PENANANITbdF1Bnf
(Sarah says what)149Please respect copyright.PENANAaQpPyJ9QmF
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."149Please respect copyright.PENANAKZSFmtTVXf
(he laughs and Sarah winks)149Please respect copyright.PENANACprjf9m53d
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 149Please respect copyright.PENANAiYjASpncyh
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 149Please respect copyright.PENANAb1h6RgBoiL
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"149Please respect copyright.PENANADPw3GTE1A7
(Keith laughs hard)149Please respect copyright.PENANAIkFKFq61lJ
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"149Please respect copyright.PENANAKB42AVlnzw
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.149Please respect copyright.PENANAIzP9tVLZgb
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)149Please respect copyright.PENANA5RqohW0ASP
Honey,149Please respect copyright.PENANAMkDyZsisNO
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 149Please respect copyright.PENANAE7F7hmW2fi
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?149Please respect copyright.PENANA9clzTNCnmQ
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!149Please respect copyright.PENANAYMwe9HbROy
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)149Please respect copyright.PENANATHIpgjg9ou
Keith says,149Please respect copyright.PENANAUHbXxntbhK
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?149Please respect copyright.PENANAEcXir5t2P0
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."149Please respect copyright.PENANAN0WAuMN8on
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)149Please respect copyright.PENANA2kTshOWo3B
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 149Please respect copyright.PENANAFVtkFPtYzq
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"149Please respect copyright.PENANAEfp9s9EDYa
"Ground beef!"149Please respect copyright.PENANA8x0T3xwBS3
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.149Please respect copyright.PENANA9pNk9G7Gen
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 149Please respect copyright.PENANAcFU26QLEm4
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 149Please respect copyright.PENANAUJ5jJRRvLj
Lawsuits.149Please respect copyright.PENANAeOfJzZKSQa
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.149Please respect copyright.PENANAMHh6vQakIB
Keith's friends knew him as the 149Please respect copyright.PENANAlnjZFGk9to
Clown Jester of Bakersville.149Please respect copyright.PENANAHv74bhYOGR
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 149Please respect copyright.PENANAGHt11oFl9P
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"149Please respect copyright.PENANAszDkW7CYhe
Because he was so outstanding in his field!149Please respect copyright.PENANAxEjJTtG3XC
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.149Please respect copyright.PENANAMc6ThFdos6
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.149Please respect copyright.PENANAXCtzlF8UVU
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 149Please respect copyright.PENANA6hNXOAxiM4
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.149Please respect copyright.PENANAoNgVA0BpNG
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"149Please respect copyright.PENANAuLgXiGPC20
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.149Please respect copyright.PENANAl3mmIrVlCi
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.149Please respect copyright.PENANAfsx8RC4EX7
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 149Please respect copyright.PENANAOdaOPSU8eM
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.149Please respect copyright.PENANA3jWZeM27pH
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 149Please respect copyright.PENANAqs9SjZSw5c
Having heard them all before, many times.149Please respect copyright.PENANAySL65yWvZN
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.149Please respect copyright.PENANAlNO5ghjltP
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 149Please respect copyright.PENANAN5qPda25yZ
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.149Please respect copyright.PENANAb1HHYmu5Iy
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 149Please respect copyright.PENANA9uUoKep1Yb
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.149Please respect copyright.PENANAPbFqtwzXyz
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.149Please respect copyright.PENANAHZSKCzOIbo
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.149Please respect copyright.PENANAuQFcif7RNN
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.149Please respect copyright.PENANAfUpWpTkmOn
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.149Please respect copyright.PENANAZymEM2HFwt
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.149Please respect copyright.PENANAzKm8naxmt0
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.149Please respect copyright.PENANALu4oAIJzp7
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.149Please respect copyright.PENANAmVqLeJHYV6
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.149Please respect copyright.PENANAhoiPHq2guZ
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)149Please respect copyright.PENANAi7izB87npg
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!149Please respect copyright.PENANABXud7IkSID
(audience chuckles)149Please respect copyright.PENANAfBH69BmF7C
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."149Please respect copyright.PENANAYWOiOyy9oN
I haven't heard from him since.149Please respect copyright.PENANAAL65wzauC0
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."149Please respect copyright.PENANA2QHTIUZsHe
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.149Please respect copyright.PENANAAP15o0gwwX
(audience laughing)149Please respect copyright.PENANAvPzRWnqjQS
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 149Please respect copyright.PENANAkIRLPmImWI
She still isn't talking to me.149Please respect copyright.PENANA2WLp5DbdAN
(Keith smiles)149Please respect copyright.PENANAc3idYTHc0s
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'149Please respect copyright.PENANAyiGieEjrsm
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 149Please respect copyright.PENANAEp8632e9Xv
but I am on the fence!149Please respect copyright.PENANAnuYoFA6Rxd
(audience laughing hard)149Please respect copyright.PENANA5LLRyxZhMl
[He gets on a roll]149Please respect copyright.PENANADi3T7VYlac
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 149Please respect copyright.PENANAOBlnVL2gM2
She gave me a hug!149Please respect copyright.PENANAjyiz4NmjoF
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."149Please respect copyright.PENANA0vAqJFQKF4
Hey!149Please respect copyright.PENANAnyQOIDwGZV
What is the worst combination of illnesses?149Please respect copyright.PENANAbh9TXOSrl6
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."149Please respect copyright.PENANAFirFlgRDIA
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"149Please respect copyright.PENANA3WFEDWIMbV
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"149Please respect copyright.PENANAsh1ff8TjaZ
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."149Please respect copyright.PENANAUMyVW8MRJe
How do you get a squirrel to like you?149Please respect copyright.PENANAbCQnsK3WvZ
Act like a nut.149Please respect copyright.PENANAVkqerXIEHy
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.149Please respect copyright.PENANA3EavQ8nfWW
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.149Please respect copyright.PENANAY7Q4YwN83A
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.149Please respect copyright.PENANAl7aKmsThdu
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 149Please respect copyright.PENANA94mfaZ737z
So I Left.149Please respect copyright.PENANAbPyXA2Kqe7
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.149Please respect copyright.PENANAxESSadyFVC
"The steaks were pretty high!"149Please respect copyright.PENANAMI66uLhVXr
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."149Please respect copyright.PENANACGbQ17lU2O
Goodnight!"149Please respect copyright.PENANAV21FqmQDZX
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)149Please respect copyright.PENANAcKoNiQr91s
He went home happier149Please respect copyright.PENANAmUJBlRK8Db
than he ever
Dreamed!149Please respect copyright.PENANAdPRq5FgpUK
149Please respect copyright.PENANACVOc1nK21v
© Charles Kemp
ns 172.70.126.207da2