My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNJL4fo9tPo
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY5b4uZ8iQn
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc7vw5BkY0V
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc5lFncE6tC
Hmm... 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHi0gp9od0t
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRSMgX9Nqbn
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbbckdo90o4
"You can have have all the adult toys."407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcykHH3oVVK
Except for the pecker enhancer!407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGL4YMYBoeI
"That's all I need..."407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfCYg771zPw
"Wait!"407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5xjHIV7j9K
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Vj3IDqav6
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3FifX19KkT
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV6aL62dQWc
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjqF714MmL0
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfVy4KQx0LL
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWflDlnONl4
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGzsRsSjnxd
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ48q1WIGcxf
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVdNWJS2HAt
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyXkq2dg3mx
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0jWoCSiWIB
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbm5PAIItg7
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4mX3koug14
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEk6AKvlwOt
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9H0GZTafGq
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnqIrjjGUxI
(Sarah laughs)407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLuwAopEoHA
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Cs5EcnvoU
"Gosh Darn!"407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG9hQJPlC0k
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyaU4NWM0GF
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo02XhaSXw5
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMZIO3pQEal
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp5pz10AeOb
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGYRvV6TWsC
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeMIMEauUZL
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ24jmUgB9DX
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCxN5IWfehw
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6xXqIdNZin
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwDwPCaKEIB
(Sarah says what)407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9REOnbYPqU
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ75OlVq7Qcg
(he laughs and Sarah winks)407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFBoa7Zf7Ss
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAu0tAKNbDp
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJYcClGcIeY
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEXWfxSNuUb
(Keith laughs hard)407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp8YhVr5oVq
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2r4df9FZt2
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5RJMMhCwxi
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrGVxdjDEoi
Honey,407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLQf82Z7WSH
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVnl6pJ0AHt
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb4S3aVbxgU
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJxnwon9z43
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOOOuDvNSyL
Keith says,407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfIXvdmeCGf
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ42XkYM3qQ1
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj5UpTFqjgP
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF7l4A2oHoJ
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7CVfkwvnqr
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPKvzPcYroQ
"Ground beef!"407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5UR2dy87rU
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFVoKYIcLga
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL84ZKvru08
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC5vjk5e8h0
Lawsuits.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8veKtvGaL5
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoIqK1Z3xk0
Keith's friends knew him as the 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWPkSbjDCPP
Clown Jester of Bakersville.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZPZTfEuVZW
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRo66JLZeHO
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEx8VVASC0V
Because he was so outstanding in his field!407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjVrIjReh82
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV7Y0oy9sH3
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡInEXDj6cSz
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡueZbjZzhIG
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGjCTAO3lb7
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ZZHTUKCMR
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK4qU7Fi3y5
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKlZaNq3xfu
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡckniPN48vP
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHe7dd9oih8
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnOolTJzMBg
Having heard them all before, many times.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtaJqPC5Uvp
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhJkMCVxwF5
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr4WOdhFVWW
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2cuAzUeaT6
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnBwj63f8tW
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf1IKtUcNWU
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUYC6qIdy93
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9sSdPjOVgo
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0SEY4SBuuy
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxcF0AbQKpx
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfdna3QnUUy
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzAtiLglPZG
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhyM2wT01D1
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP09g3jDXFF
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm2tBIqk1PJ
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8EZQgLPu49
(audience chuckles)407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡclvmxqzwzJ
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW1RLMxIpmn
I haven't heard from him since.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ599SniY346
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbZMbenouFw
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF7PKETyH5o
(audience laughing)407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNIeVzURiLW
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqfBnG5AgxJ
She still isn't talking to me.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBwV0z9T4QV
(Keith smiles)407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡchQBeHSBZb
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUUxllT9ile
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfIdSnIf1Du
but I am on the fence!407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb0qNlR9Ggu
(audience laughing hard)407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqoN84fLZbe
[He gets on a roll]407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDKUO71PMW2
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡexgoOljsQl
She gave me a hug!407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIEvJFCPcxv
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOLBk3zRQRc
Hey!407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIs57SGUGHz
What is the worst combination of illnesses?407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV32vqXY6x1
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdlDa6vjmyg
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYzBajdnYS7
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCbuysDwEeh
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpeF3npK8gl
How do you get a squirrel to like you?407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZxUPSs2pqa
Act like a nut.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPXjydfCcyH
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrA3ihFWUCK
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaQwSdgco1A
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmekLUTSfBh
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgRXfLn3Gzb
So I Left.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO59yjmYc87
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLpipWk1lIT
"The steaks were pretty high!"407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1phn4JFdYx
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAShnvbs91H
Goodnight!"407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK8kEmD26Ty
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡthc1nvxuF8
He went home happier407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtDjzUvQNlH
than he ever
Dreamed!407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhCOluPpSSx
407Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqTcLV7tKMO
© Charles Kemp
ns18.227.72.114da2
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