My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfz42XqhrJe
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk7Syowyntk
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUHTegha3kf
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡry0keDS6Da
Hmm... 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOGp4ErK82L
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiRnzxxGvdp
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ33gCft2tTr
"You can have have all the adult toys."477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgsO3nBg8Y0
Except for the pecker enhancer!477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJkciJvQ5RY
"That's all I need..."477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTGoKuClqsT
"Wait!"477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDYo7eLbBG8
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡogjdsOF5yi
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7LsecaKKsH
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB6Mzz4PRJH
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy6vH9Hv7Wo
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH0O5oa0MZ3
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYjDvBbskf6
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqUyuVgvR18
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXvifzFmrDg
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2hZKRXcuuP
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTjdi8rPWSl
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEeQMsC7MhH
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhsnPs2mx1v
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVpoPSdhQpw
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqdDC6rPCjF
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWs7EBhFASH
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpD7TILDDb2
(Sarah laughs)477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTiNYar7QIP
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDNO5VGdbVl
"Gosh Darn!"477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJqvwookoSP
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAgbA0YLgWA
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡem5EIxXkR7
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN2McRWDbGo
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXhUbopnvqy
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1erkQ1QF1i
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT1TLSTZYF0
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvHMAZ7r1lT
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeQc9d40byK
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡczjbNzDN34
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG8WDlpxoIV
(Sarah says what)477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1HIvoR6fXn
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmRDaILKF0E
(he laughs and Sarah winks)477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc8aodfFU3d
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdTi9nTKAFO
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW2Ou7CTT4k
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVr1tDqQYCV
(Keith laughs hard)477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtM5PK1O7Ic
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaxJu2wMsyF
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLLnNutyGfj
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg6PFIrNBpP
Honey,477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw2G3qEnsi2
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlwAHQzqTSL
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGXIZYIgO7M
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLYFjYfrCqR
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkEQNNjogJP
Keith says,477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpl4VWUCCEy
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSmZ0J5NJLr
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkLj6ty4S7J
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh1V7wTVLIx
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcHEFXciO9E
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡptiYGZHHSY
"Ground beef!"477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwp70xyZNVp
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6sMPAPDHy2
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡANMTh6OzwV
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNH24Ac4XXZ
Lawsuits.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjNNmIoSEOJ
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4KC2fbr155
Keith's friends knew him as the 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEZzXDNxm2W
Clown Jester of Bakersville.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9qPtWN6XmN
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwjh66SChx6
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZCE3IdifON
Because he was so outstanding in his field!477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNhuI6lfeWH
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2CBuRfDYle
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSOjobctY1I
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFfwFvyObnd
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDFdOj7dz71
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡigQFlA98M0
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfHIRoPEeDh
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4x86z2OOgx
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDv4hMjCVm8
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3cQwOFNQsC
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUzA66AkJEQ
Having heard them all before, many times.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ51qAijpJ2I
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMtmSqdYL7O
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaTZkPtZxlF
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0pnfRuVdlR
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBjiaViIBwO
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡku3gfzeJ6K
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBwufI0HYS2
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWXjqRSKC3o
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuFxPJHn4dK
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYcXcsR5la9
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdK7YKFnngl
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5QweHiKkKU
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwudVuOuORm
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuRFW9INqw6
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVD5X3uJTFt
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVcsblg9mWa
(audience chuckles)477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7eFR18NrWu
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡthoNXlvJPO
I haven't heard from him since.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCwd8n39ZLt
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ00hX7y55vo
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTYhrkwcrny
(audience laughing)477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpyerJTjRmP
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Ss8T1PpQV
She still isn't talking to me.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy2c5exkKWo
(Keith smiles)477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCYUle5UJEt
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡamijBo5zy6
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLauEx6N8wY
but I am on the fence!477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFfJPKvGxLi
(audience laughing hard)477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJsTnCcNmbk
[He gets on a roll]477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡujjkJxNik0
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSZK9A8Czzn
She gave me a hug!477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8bRLnN7vrT
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzdePiPeAyv
Hey!477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5xZvZt397z
What is the worst combination of illnesses?477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlKPFyB29y8
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCFFw9XnRk2
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2lPFa5FIcs
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZKFMyBT7kS
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡloi06GCal1
How do you get a squirrel to like you?477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXof6MJ1lV0
Act like a nut.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOZYf5Lmx9h
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLvZ0VyTcnG
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0T5OcqG9JI
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVx2DikTBFX
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKmr5FUHhHC
So I Left.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRT2sADEO1d
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjJyGnqMuzN
"The steaks were pretty high!"477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTaaAFhPGIv
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ52UoilBYDT
Goodnight!"477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzfJWCJTBFw
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3whA0vdAew
He went home happier477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyJgg4mByiz
than he ever
Dreamed!477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡADnZkfmQsN
477Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxxIKNCwcKM
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.224da2
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