My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5be30PZfZu
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzdk5yB0dU3
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZyE7od3GDY
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfLVQ12iqs7
Hmm... 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNWPjk6Lvac
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5oSuXmWgXY
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzzhxFJwwrJ
"You can have have all the adult toys."447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbef2teNN6L
Except for the pecker enhancer!447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvGGGgj3qAO
"That's all I need..."447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmCnGpS7xhD
"Wait!"447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK4mCPhDGKM
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDT55IRslOE
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3tJNBhPpyM
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZFbyNB9UYu
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxpqR5HXug4
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCrU8S6SJtK
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSaKgX1vWr9
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNQtmnx0Pyr
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHZcmnpBsyP
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5icvvwvhHR
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS1K6Au6mX3
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLxIxzUb3Mw
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXgXAgskkWM
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmpsXDJY1Bz
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCRfhqsj75i
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9WN6rQxsYp
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEIvtehaSwd
(Sarah laughs)447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuCUPiJbXlu
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ40rKsunkQ5
"Gosh Darn!"447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgP1t522bLh
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Sbg6j4Zux
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJcPWl1Kq6b
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvJsB568cQ0
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK5PHu5TKIa
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTSM4XEQSgJ
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtAP5UqpLv6
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMbOe4TwgIw
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9FCTqxGFFv
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOXcdrMkd8v
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7gMCdwnhoR
(Sarah says what)447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM2gJBGUzXk
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS9Lm33rlVs
(he laughs and Sarah winks)447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIcA13BD4h3
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDFYXPRg8DU
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWYrnRmGBvq
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLS6qlOTNcu
(Keith laughs hard)447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkXrbPq0fqC
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBKGGhwOhbs
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNIi8kc4A7H
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGdOgKMecgj
Honey,447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkaRWcyExLj
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz9Dk3y6MRs
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNQjX1wGGNB
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXEXmoav2Ds
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ0IX4dlnyj
Keith says,447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIpVmOVNgYN
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEXUJGiqKCQ
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ81Cq0cWw5u
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlRezIxWBy2
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJxLqYF6EdP
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1bEm1ZmngG
"Ground beef!"447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhXTZc7vX7d
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx8vixtWoLj
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl0eWgnp9Be
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrYusdemQAG
Lawsuits.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvb6IQEdiaT
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhHLdSFuZe
Keith's friends knew him as the 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz2qEQ3mO6S
Clown Jester of Bakersville.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEHxKOTkOVc
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHm4fkxpp34
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIYNJCs3C2l
Because he was so outstanding in his field!447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvg8ZxEXau2
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDZX9asOLWy
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbBn3aK2OaQ
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPS0DdUzfC9
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH3uIXwI9xZ
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡccWC2zKAVB
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoA0rAnmcVx
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwl3WcodYNV
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyu5lhF1rEM
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcRtMD8KzUA
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOTBdGRqZKP
Having heard them all before, many times.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD9YxBroYVc
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRhCieFXTKJ
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9FCTlsF0jf
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVurLsouYq2
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡudUOw1ss8h
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk8EEPB8CAx
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRQfe8GspTN
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLACr2hNN30
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡanHi5lJsAB
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhUo5VfxeXe
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCU59mkL4mE
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrqh6BLKzBX
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZfM8VSOIWq
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2akOYqmrc4
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxIg1OvSidL
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx7QwreBd2B
(audience chuckles)447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8W1hNhjCC1
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡirhhMIcoLg
I haven't heard from him since.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRLU86tl4EE
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXl2b7tw1JR
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwtPJ5mmMCq
(audience laughing)447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ18YX3w8CAV
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdIhkMKJMvu
She still isn't talking to me.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFxsqHKfRgI
(Keith smiles)447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFUJWb3sGuU
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqe2ICA4mJs
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjW8T8yV2jx
but I am on the fence!447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTyTh5G3CeO
(audience laughing hard)447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS9Ntv93kOk
[He gets on a roll]447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxj076j70DU
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxm7MDn06B1
She gave me a hug!447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsAlgBHD1Hf
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyH4titnETK
Hey!447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEY4dR7nRfp
What is the worst combination of illnesses?447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHmhVkpklCi
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc4kHGiAtSh
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0onR4K27Q1
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoFLUmmcrww
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2yAazHF7Jp
How do you get a squirrel to like you?447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3FbywkbCb0
Act like a nut.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPH2kQZ4VLm
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡztEUDZHgjn
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNvyHeGaVqh
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkzLeiAi6sJ
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡORMRsMxMI4
So I Left.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV40UXyX4I1
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXz3OLVT8hX
"The steaks were pretty high!"447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHCwr8AYcCE
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkFBy0aS327
Goodnight!"447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdkxSFXaDJp
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ74ImT5L6VN
He went home happier447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnQ4Zw1adXI
than he ever
Dreamed!447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGeOQzg8dzD
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLWAza6Ghdd
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.198da2
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