My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsAWFAgLYic
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqD2ng0yitG
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTAEwsZq34R
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡili7ZBKNtZ
Hmm... 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfNAo0oK9HI
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ89oJzWV8g
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYAFTiKGKUA
"You can have have all the adult toys."749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2zVvbfFQ4e
Except for the pecker enhancer!749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrxVyi2OzUD
"That's all I need..."749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjLoZaNzBbx
"Wait!"749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPc3S6adIMX
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1j6AJAWN9B
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡorWW1ezs1p
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7knea60DjY
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTFIPQARsv4
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡybdiSzdJI5
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn0dqMLieHV
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYVkcoYcoXG
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGBAT5FX9Tc
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2yJAocAu8u
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt98ZPLpTBn
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNsHVYlz5vM
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTGq6uFf3sk
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmh32ckc8GV
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfS7IKiBPd4
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8DTsn7YAHL
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWOplgbCoFp
(Sarah laughs)749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhNj0Zqi27G
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIrNBa5jgb0
"Gosh Darn!"749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMdvC9fts4v
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwyvDtP8xyD
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9oDBoalbIc
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ2d8xM2BZR
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf6ca3szUmL
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRl6buOtP8O
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCtjuOyfDuw
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ77VpSn3yXs
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdpwjV8VGw2
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡybSZUCUwnk
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzvrFaz8QsO
(Sarah says what)749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt4j0wXc2KG
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXLbNIMLX2y
(he laughs and Sarah winks)749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe32qDmwO2h
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡByAc0nS62P
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGNyoIGwlDj
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJuYbdogu3V
(Keith laughs hard)749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPuevghJtB4
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUppgtgwsnr
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtemSdzHODY
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtshXLnK1FO
Honey,749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv6SQY5T2CB
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡICEq8N9XDf
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0WRcnLqTgh
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd3QfKugmZU
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU3tO0yyO3F
Keith says,749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡta1qTMUPHd
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWg4XiP2nqC
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡafjBJwxvqm
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYD1OOFObd2
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz504b7PF6c
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6GWi0fhSJg
"Ground beef!"749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF8t5s1Wbr7
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡflujCxejnt
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfRP6SrIRJh
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKnmclFHIHf
Lawsuits.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡScdNlbIHRp
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSS3ljPAkiy
Keith's friends knew him as the 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGfmAyyjTQJ
Clown Jester of Bakersville.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0tzWozaP8o
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7QLIl5uAKO
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKdSYRiKoq2
Because he was so outstanding in his field!749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSAwEgQoZeF
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK010FA6dxK
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Oe7d53Dg7
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKZEzqoJ1jN
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQCYacSdGBI
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8IZlGk9iHJ
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoJeMhfl9G7
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyUm6H5okEO
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuS2aVpH6JF
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpHU3eEQLSY
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBZ1kw3HDi2
Having heard them all before, many times.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeZPlf8VcRq
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtgaFz0ZMjq
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡghFRSxb2Kp
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF752JWHkes
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJjISgCXJMI
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJfLiVutaOh
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEsDx5CFRam
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLc8Bk91BtG
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ64ItcS8zsz
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡewVIOdviDT
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSEOPKEmOV1
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4pEbo9Ilsg
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4sWSh5xvNJ
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqA50JOGL32
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi9UR4orLxq
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZVRlcyxecg
(audience chuckles)749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ481UWfbtwD
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcUdTUET0ij
I haven't heard from him since.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKcmK1cRnXK
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuhMAw3dVM7
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKOp2rzMSYJ
(audience laughing)749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQGquDnbVKq
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzoCnfBIqmg
She still isn't talking to me.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXjP6LuCR4l
(Keith smiles)749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhDW8yq19Ke
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ24rRY8PKCd
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDB4jeEmUlr
but I am on the fence!749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvt5l54D8Be
(audience laughing hard)749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUjnDg8QIVH
[He gets on a roll]749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRVkfQLw283
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRbQdcwKZyU
She gave me a hug!749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8e7uFFT9W4
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO1phdUiAFK
Hey!749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSBYMIJANu1
What is the worst combination of illnesses?749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG7BN3c3Spj
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1eFQzfTBz9
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3AP8Dwe4WW
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMOlmbpIJ9b
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPdQphm4V6H
How do you get a squirrel to like you?749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLGmMpelTQc
Act like a nut.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡakmm8MGAwj
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1PCN5vgew6
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYLgOCX1lZX
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgtEhWgpgAX
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAjYR9wQrBR
So I Left.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKTot9nhgAH
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg5OjT8gUcj
"The steaks were pretty high!"749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbGs4CpgRnj
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ6ePl64p7h
Goodnight!"749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn5v08Dqn1s
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm4paxOMOiO
He went home happier749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡviU3RzTbwF
than he ever
Dreamed!749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZvJJpk3BB2
749Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGfIWxnblth
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.189da2
and then Add to home screen.