My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 174Please respect copyright.PENANAG2UUqDkLo9
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"174Please respect copyright.PENANALw46K8lP0U
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)174Please respect copyright.PENANAz45eZHXOcl
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."174Please respect copyright.PENANAtFaJCD0D5x
Hmm... 174Please respect copyright.PENANAtBDGBdUNXt
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 174Please respect copyright.PENANAU3Kg13tkiG
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 174Please respect copyright.PENANADeciktqflr
"You can have have all the adult toys."174Please respect copyright.PENANAvoiGBBnNhr
Except for the pecker enhancer!174Please respect copyright.PENANANbxnLArR6A
"That's all I need..."174Please respect copyright.PENANArC6jr389Pw
"Wait!"174Please respect copyright.PENANAoPbbmKOKef
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?174Please respect copyright.PENANAFYE1sNZnsv
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 174Please respect copyright.PENANADnTyyfZw7z
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 174Please respect copyright.PENANAbYtlQYKIZO
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)174Please respect copyright.PENANAcxRATYH8rN
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"174Please respect copyright.PENANAVLO07MUdRM
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"174Please respect copyright.PENANAHI9xIcnejd
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!174Please respect copyright.PENANA4zYE4Mqc8Y
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?174Please respect copyright.PENANAw57bcvcgYj
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!174Please respect copyright.PENANA0LJxxA83z9
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 174Please respect copyright.PENANAe42YmhIFD3
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...174Please respect copyright.PENANA9IhyQSwdIx
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...174Please respect copyright.PENANAfiZ9eXSlfK
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you174Please respect copyright.PENANAAmHZJNlvAb
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.174Please respect copyright.PENANAB19RKsVmiU
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.174Please respect copyright.PENANAyJACWHCl9k
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"174Please respect copyright.PENANAowIqWAqT04
(Sarah laughs)174Please respect copyright.PENANAuCtHQZpAHZ
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."174Please respect copyright.PENANAerCrbdOWnr
"Gosh Darn!"174Please respect copyright.PENANAkaaws2Wfcg
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...174Please respect copyright.PENANAucwHBfC5FB
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 174Please respect copyright.PENANAjAz5V07aA7
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)174Please respect copyright.PENANAgkIJDI5yg3
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"174Please respect copyright.PENANAJHfbWZAk70
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 174Please respect copyright.PENANADP08kY5ZLv
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."174Please respect copyright.PENANAsK50BkU8Ro
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 174Please respect copyright.PENANALJaievANU5
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.174Please respect copyright.PENANAuyY2bIlHdf
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...174Please respect copyright.PENANANvvjuOw0LJ
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"174Please respect copyright.PENANAG4AVu6iR54
(Sarah says what)174Please respect copyright.PENANAiJzLFdNwv8
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."174Please respect copyright.PENANAAi1EY4dOBT
(he laughs and Sarah winks)174Please respect copyright.PENANAPpih0FrbEU
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 174Please respect copyright.PENANAn7pfuTGgDo
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 174Please respect copyright.PENANAx7fhJaDOgg
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"174Please respect copyright.PENANAmSmRwQDGhG
(Keith laughs hard)174Please respect copyright.PENANAknpZRcyZP6
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"174Please respect copyright.PENANA4310NvlLMt
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.174Please respect copyright.PENANAVC13kOWH6Z
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)174Please respect copyright.PENANA7FpgU8BNoa
Honey,174Please respect copyright.PENANAOds3McOaKf
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 174Please respect copyright.PENANAjbX2Ec8zo3
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?174Please respect copyright.PENANAnCaSeLaKed
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!174Please respect copyright.PENANA6kDxjyhV5e
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)174Please respect copyright.PENANAgEGpEU4h2p
Keith says,174Please respect copyright.PENANANbD0SfZWS9
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?174Please respect copyright.PENANAWUsSnePHrg
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."174Please respect copyright.PENANAY91gbexXCn
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)174Please respect copyright.PENANAlXXl6XaKis
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 174Please respect copyright.PENANA1h78TiHoNE
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"174Please respect copyright.PENANAcn0UmatCLV
"Ground beef!"174Please respect copyright.PENANAvM7O2o2XcC
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.174Please respect copyright.PENANAtSo49u4Ely
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 174Please respect copyright.PENANAa1me2t22Gq
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 174Please respect copyright.PENANAJrMVA2HskY
Lawsuits.174Please respect copyright.PENANADBJjoEuTTU
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.174Please respect copyright.PENANAMCJtJyo8a4
Keith's friends knew him as the 174Please respect copyright.PENANAuRG2363v2u
Clown Jester of Bakersville.174Please respect copyright.PENANAQPs135n4j0
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 174Please respect copyright.PENANADW4yZs7Aad
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"174Please respect copyright.PENANAi0duDV53iR
Because he was so outstanding in his field!174Please respect copyright.PENANAy66oQ4yOvC
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.174Please respect copyright.PENANAkUftQe9Azq
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.174Please respect copyright.PENANABz3XNBjvy7
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 174Please respect copyright.PENANAtiYKPZhbl8
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.174Please respect copyright.PENANArlS97kkWsP
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"174Please respect copyright.PENANATIYMUXbWDw
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.174Please respect copyright.PENANAQ2F1bzb4LV
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.174Please respect copyright.PENANAZAxggwPF0y
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 174Please respect copyright.PENANACecKiCeMSm
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.174Please respect copyright.PENANAB2laIp1yXC
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 174Please respect copyright.PENANAqhMoz6qWyH
Having heard them all before, many times.174Please respect copyright.PENANATbGW2XCfKT
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.174Please respect copyright.PENANANNhMJXr8ZM
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 174Please respect copyright.PENANAvqXWMiT2DI
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.174Please respect copyright.PENANAO708pmel3E
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 174Please respect copyright.PENANA3xXGb9PiJG
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.174Please respect copyright.PENANA6zdveztbdg
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.174Please respect copyright.PENANAxjTOZ5BbYr
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.174Please respect copyright.PENANARTMYpzn7dH
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.174Please respect copyright.PENANA3dt4z6yb2J
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.174Please respect copyright.PENANAwb2PvZoJHx
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.174Please respect copyright.PENANAGw3G4ZKoT5
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.174Please respect copyright.PENANAoWXm8vDBwJ
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.174Please respect copyright.PENANArbG2PRKwhJ
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.174Please respect copyright.PENANAjqclj2wMFT
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)174Please respect copyright.PENANAZiZIodAzOV
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!174Please respect copyright.PENANAPFa1gYnMeP
(audience chuckles)174Please respect copyright.PENANAC4xh7uknoT
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."174Please respect copyright.PENANAHAuh07OXli
I haven't heard from him since.174Please respect copyright.PENANA1groKXArWr
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."174Please respect copyright.PENANA0LkgfnbX5w
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.174Please respect copyright.PENANABM9DVu9FSW
(audience laughing)174Please respect copyright.PENANAYPyQJzmIG4
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 174Please respect copyright.PENANA7fCP0jneR9
She still isn't talking to me.174Please respect copyright.PENANA22dyaX4qst
(Keith smiles)174Please respect copyright.PENANAyp5pPGy567
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'174Please respect copyright.PENANAQ36fVFY3TN
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 174Please respect copyright.PENANAXbuQBbyBWd
but I am on the fence!174Please respect copyright.PENANAGPhLxXn6lg
(audience laughing hard)174Please respect copyright.PENANAdosrhuoTup
[He gets on a roll]174Please respect copyright.PENANA2JUrSQCnKG
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 174Please respect copyright.PENANAEkZ3bflWcM
She gave me a hug!174Please respect copyright.PENANAmET7togGKX
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."174Please respect copyright.PENANAybQKU8rSIJ
Hey!174Please respect copyright.PENANAmQpjHdMUKO
What is the worst combination of illnesses?174Please respect copyright.PENANAuocRbg2v57
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."174Please respect copyright.PENANAeWcRX7voOb
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"174Please respect copyright.PENANAiMmEDirSr4
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"174Please respect copyright.PENANAoc9G7V65jy
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."174Please respect copyright.PENANAKk1kKJ5MfM
How do you get a squirrel to like you?174Please respect copyright.PENANAD6HFQykJMC
Act like a nut.174Please respect copyright.PENANAuXepKQGOt3
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.174Please respect copyright.PENANA6DBwN16Lvp
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.174Please respect copyright.PENANAtmqbfSacCV
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.174Please respect copyright.PENANAfy6tzhFmDM
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 174Please respect copyright.PENANAMVyULgsF85
So I Left.174Please respect copyright.PENANAnbojt44cEW
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.174Please respect copyright.PENANAVjPTP9pqTj
"The steaks were pretty high!"174Please respect copyright.PENANAlM6mQnO20p
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."174Please respect copyright.PENANAyImuJDHYBF
Goodnight!"174Please respect copyright.PENANAXpavgSN6LI
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)174Please respect copyright.PENANAElISr0EOd9
He went home happier174Please respect copyright.PENANA59ZOWsj6fs
than he ever
Dreamed!174Please respect copyright.PENANA4KSFsyhgCT
174Please respect copyright.PENANALNgYlrgH5i
© Charles Kemp
ns 172.69.7.117da2