My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwwzGQaA58J
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbzVbuvYp9J
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2bbmrn3yGc
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9blcWfaxfm
Hmm... 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1aPHjtN64Q
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLjoXWPToNg
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDp2UokUfGr
"You can have have all the adult toys."536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmjvRQKveoq
Except for the pecker enhancer!536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmJgPJk7tPL
"That's all I need..."536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7allWWfCOl
"Wait!"536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV3NN5GKNTs
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpw2wS6TdQi
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsvjtnmKmid
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGIqUvMASQc
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNoLYYUDpzB
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1e6y5RxjnE
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPIcNhHmgwJ
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyL9jLOVAKd
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIww27CW2At
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh3JHf7LhZn
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5iIvhOf82S
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPNf3cJZSKc
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoUyOmRLQen
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ2tC2Jk8eh
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8dwcLAvpka
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8PyrgL8zLO
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsotU8A66CY
(Sarah laughs)536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzc9Mj8iNG8
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ93eRthFbsg
"Gosh Darn!"536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZm5ZozlrOg
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD9FY9At0AM
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOTERy28ofM
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEfIfSvEP8O
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWMXf2nTWSC
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbr1H57kPrl
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIU4GI6yQuj
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAKoQJe8fcN
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTikBLL266D
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMbhX1Lqr6Q
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCYPcECVqyC
(Sarah says what)536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡodP6mQg1KS
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdi2RlNJhvf
(he laughs and Sarah winks)536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8TvpmzmFbt
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqtVz0uKEsm
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6OC2IsTtkx
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCS8tHLItos
(Keith laughs hard)536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu26iUkZz78
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxLodBDPCrs
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLM4UQNnTyd
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdWNOV3F7U3
Honey,536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbDfCthgVZL
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhE2Sozl0Fx
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy4jRlnkJPO
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf4KhlfnZRn
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKAag4qIlOk
Keith says,536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXSVHTiuf9S
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGuvUhdWhG0
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGtMW4VFjxT
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCrXHlcDIHu
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE3Fm3FvkQd
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcNvzqAG9kA
"Ground beef!"536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw6SUQN8JOf
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl777px6ciW
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIbKCkv1BlH
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfhbQWz8UlC
Lawsuits.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1anaS454AN
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHmkRCV1FeY
Keith's friends knew him as the 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRWwuMRKAHu
Clown Jester of Bakersville.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGUijZVj3oq
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNVQJu1uKT6
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7iohKF8mIX
Because he was so outstanding in his field!536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpR2RaoRMXV
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcJ9D37DJlC
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfUjwvTbjhf
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsSX4HuHcHR
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsYQw7xXp02
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0emXOvIlSQ
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqNryJD016o
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaENmog0bi4
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhu8sEs36lA
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYJTdRSDSrP
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXQXCRLuXtz
Having heard them all before, many times.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZX2TO8Glnr
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdgRRkmVlgY
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE9rnth0TC8
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZncevFBUpg
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd8Gk2MSe8A
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGeGqGoc97V
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxVj5bmRf74
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡStFRSh17mt
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJhZJgTF7E
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡusu1rAt7M3
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRlIMZ4nHzD
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyB2TfqS9RF
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRoT6Meb3cO
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6X2WV5IaJ9
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvBAAfV61a7
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuHTQtvsZXP
(audience chuckles)536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSsO5ylZZDV
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL6M9mC3ijL
I haven't heard from him since.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFAFAcGO3Cg
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsd4AMqjbec
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0FOFK97XLi
(audience laughing)536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrEfE8ALRrU
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOY3KBJl6Ym
She still isn't talking to me.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkUDsoCCryy
(Keith smiles)536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡchxQHZ19MF
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrHbUejNgW3
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ287VQqe3ws
but I am on the fence!536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8XghZ8LgCi
(audience laughing hard)536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN76HDl5vC9
[He gets on a roll]536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡInzPuDLTQe
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQolaLOMmsM
She gave me a hug!536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSIiBjaZHaz
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGNwDPN01wJ
Hey!536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRDb67ZySkc
What is the worst combination of illnesses?536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡljnyABn60O
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡch5wQmaU2v
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡglCoTd1y3q
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq89f6ZletQ
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9bRDRsGrfP
How do you get a squirrel to like you?536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBbBfVHTndZ
Act like a nut.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPmETZNZm3O
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKU9bUtqUr0
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI2KMsZQPZ9
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcOnEBZd469
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyMIler9kzP
So I Left.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH8ydj9SzqF
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpOTHpsjtF
"The steaks were pretty high!"536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZRSCUz7xM5
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4K10pj9ZTw
Goodnight!"536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF3ppybQQkT
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcFkka11XXk
He went home happier536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsgjdDCMUQf
than he ever
Dreamed!536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCXc9BOw2f4
536Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNvRAqDVRTl
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.206da2
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