IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!

A Lion with Wings Production

True verbatim transcription

Pilot episode 7/18/16

Tape File Name: 39-IACC-#21

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Key:

A = Announcer

BV = Bert Verdad

RL= Randy Lockhart

DG = Debbie Jinn

C#1 = Female contestant

C#2 = Male Contestant

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A:Live! From the game-show capital of the world, Studio City, California, welcome to the pilot of “IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!”, the first and only gameshow where the truth be told! Please welcome today’s celebrity contestants: grits-and-gravy acting legend, Randy Lockhart, star of the down-home sit-com we all cherished years ago, and pop singing sensation known mostly for being a Madonna copycat, Debbie Jinn.

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And now – please give a rousing welcome to the host of ““IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!” not because you love him so much, but because when we cue the APPLAUSE signs, you, the audience, most of whom hail from Podunk, USA where your only culture is cottage cheese, will respond because it’s Hollywood and you’re all hypnotized rats excited to feast on plywood sets. Please give thunderous fake excitement to our host, Bert Verdad. [Thunderous fake excitement]

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BV:Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, and welcome to the show where – audience? [audience shouting loudly and in unison, “truth be told!” Wild applause]. I’m your host, Bert Verdad, and only got this gig because my agent’s a schmuck and my brother-in-law produces this ca-ca! [audience tittering]. Anyway, thanks for joining us and our very first edition of: [audience shouting loudly and in unison, “IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!” [Wild applause], the game show where honesty pays and where the truth is revealed! And now let’s meet our celebrity players. [Wild applause]

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You all know and love him as the down-home, “ah-shucks” dad, Ernie Hoole, from the iconic ‘60s sitcom, “Fishin’ Hoole” that was stocked to the gills with folksy charm and Southern wisdom — ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the show, Mr. Randy Lockhart [Standing ovation. Ohhs and ahhs of appreciation. Applause] and the singer of 90s pop anthems, “Bubble Gum Cherry“ and “Hot Bag of Fireballs,” Miss Debbie Jinn. [Thunderous applause]. Guys, welcome to the show. Let’s start with you, Debbie. Thanks for being here.

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DG:Great to be here slumming and making a couple bucks where I don’t have to embarrass myself warbling about teenage sex using sweet-tooth euphemisms at another mall opening, or to a bunch of drunk losers on the casino lounge circuit, for once. At least this caca pays scale. You are paying scale, right? [Audience gasps in surprise].

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BV:Yeah. By the way, your career seems to be in a 25-year slump. Are you still hoping for that big comeback?

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DG:Oh, sure! This time with new management that won’t rip me off and leave me high, dry, and broke! I only got 5% of everything. [Audience groans in unison].

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BV: Yeah. I know the feeling. Happens to all of us in the biz – they’re greedy bastards, indeed! By the way, Debbie, your perfume is intoxicating. What fragrance are you wearing?

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DG:Bombay Sapphire. Jinn ain’t just my stage name, Bert! [Shocked murmuring from the audience].

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BV:In that case, I better be careful not to “refresh” from your cup of “water” during commercial breaks. [He does the “quote/unquote” hand sign, mugging to the camera, as if drunk].

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And you, Randy Lockhart, star of the beloved black-and-white, forever in our hearts, TV classic, “Fishin’ Hoole.” You’ve been reclusive the last few decades. And you came out of retirement just to do “IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!” [Applause]

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RL:Yep! [Standing ovation. Roaring applause] This is my first public appearance in thirty years! [Applause swells] Only because my PR team advised me against any and all public appearances years ago because, in real life, I’m such an insufferable asshole. [Huge collective gasp].

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After an incident back in ‘85 where I tore up an autograph hound’s goddamn autograph book for rudely interrupting my goddamn dinner, they warned me against even eating out. Said it was really bad for the brand. Goddamn stupid people really think I’m goddamn Ernie Hoole! [Stunned silence].

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BV: [after a long beat, fake phoning the director. Smirking] Yeah, uh, this will be edited before airing, right? Gotcha. Cool. [Clears throat to more silence]. Uh . . . Let’s meet our contestants. She’s a bored, lonely housewife from Bellflower. Please welcome Donna Carpenter to “IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!” [Scattered applause]

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C#1:Great to be here, Bert.

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BV:So, they tell me you've got five kids and have been married 15 years. [Kind applause]

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C#1:Yes, that’s true. [kind applause continues] Should have divorced the abusive fucking bully after three. [audience gasps in shock]

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BV:Kids or years? [audience laughter] [Repeating the fake call gag to the control booth] By the way, tell our bleeper gal, the one with the great ass, she’ll be working overtime tonight! [very faint laughter]. And our second contestant is Jimmy Madison from Enid, Oklahoma. Welcome! [Polite applause]

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C#2:Hee-Ho! Bert!

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BV:Hee-Ho! Back! [He chuckles] Tell us about yourself.

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C#2: I came to the bright lights of Hollywood eleven years ago to become the next Brad Pitt. This is the highlight of my career, so far, so thanks for that, Bert. The folks in Enid will be glad to see I made it big in show biz, although I don’t think Brando got his big break this way. Hee-Ho! Hee-Ho!

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BV:Brando, smando — let's play, “IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!” Go ahead, choose a category, Jimmy. [Excited murmuring]

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C#2:Hee-Ho! I’ll wager $750 on World History, Bert. Hee-Ho! Hee-Ho!

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BV: [Reading from index card] This European explorer discovered North America. [Buzzer]

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C#2: Who was Christopher Columbus? Hee-Ho! Hee-Ho!

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[Buzzer]

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BV:Wrong, Bozo! The Italian explorer never even entered North America. On his four trips across the Atlantic, starting in 1492, Columbus only explored the Caribbean islands of the Bahamas, Hispaniola, and Cuba. [Audience boos]

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Let this sink in, Jimmy: He also couldn't have discovered America because Native Americans were already living there. In fact, Columbus is not even the first European to explore the Americas. That honor goes to the Norse explorer Leif Erikson who sailed to the Western Hemisphere over 400 years earlier.

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Toss up question, loser! For $200. If you miss this one, the plain-Jane, baby garden over there will have a chance to steal the board. Jimmy Madison . . . What were Columbus’ three ships named?

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C#2:Columbus’ three ships were named the Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. The fourth one, as I recall, was named the Hee-Ho!

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[buzzer]

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BV:Wrong! Again! Columbus’s ships were not named any of those. Historians know that the Santa Maria's real name was La Gallega and the Niña's real name was the Santa Clara. It is not known what the Pinta's actual name was, as its records have been lost to time. So, the entire Europeans-discovered-America-and-did-God’s-wonderful-things-with-it myth is whitewash, because–audience? [in unison, “IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!”]

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Your turn, Donna, play or pass?

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C#1:I shall play, Bert. Give me American History for a thousand.

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BV: [Reading from index card] The first Thanksgiving between the English colonists and the indigenous people was a happy, peaceful one. True or false.

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C#1:Easy-peasie. The answer is most definitely true. They even prayed to the Lord together for their blessings.

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[buzzer]

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BV: Nope! In 1620, the two groups supposedly came together for a three-day feast to celebrate their relationship and new lives together. But many historians say this was not the case, as they actually had a lot of hostile feelings towards each other.

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The Pilgrims viewed Native Americans as savages, and stole their land. They also killed more than 90% of the native population with smallpox. These hostile conditions, historians believe, did not lead to a celebratory first Thanksgiving. In fact, some say the Native Americans were not even invited to the feast. [audience boos and hisses]

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You're a naive idiot, Donna! Nevertheless, You can take a toss-up question or pass it back. Think it over–if you have anything to think it over with. [Audience murmurs]

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C#1:You know, Bert, I think I’ll let Jimmy and Randy play this one.

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RL:Ya know, if a frog had wings he wouldn’t get his ass wet on the rocks, Sweet-cheeks. [Audience groans, uncomfortably] I’ll take my chances with American Inventors for two thousand dollars, Bert.

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BV:Haha! There’s one of those homey tidbits of wisdom from Ernie Hoole, himself! [Audience moans] Okay, Randy. For $2000, who invented the light bulb?

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RL:Seriously? You’ve got to be kidding? I bet even Sweet-cheeks could guess this one. Tom Edison, for fuck’s sake. [Audience gasps in shock]

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[Buzzer]

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BV:Thomas Edison did not invent the light bulb, he developed it. There is a huge difference, so, wrongo, Ernesto.

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[Reading from index card] Edison was in a very competitive race where he borrowed—some said stole—ideas from other inventors who were also working on an incandescent bulb,” explained Ernest Freeberg, author of The Age of Edison: Electric Light and the Invention of Modern America. In his book, Freeberg shows that the light bulb reflected the work of many inventors, rather than Edison’s lone genius. What made him ultimately successful was that he was not a lone inventor, a lone genius, but rather the assembler of the first research and development team at Menlo Park, N.J.

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RL:Well, kiss my ass and call me Leroy, Bert. Who knew?

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BV: Not you, Dopie, that’s for sure! And that will do it for Round One of [Audience responds, “IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!” less enthusiastically]

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[00:12:04 - 00:14:04, blank tape rolls]

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BV: Welcome back to “IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!”and Round Two action where the stakes are higher; the questions more cynical; reality more obtuse. So far, both our contestants are losers and their celebrity teammates are revealed to be incredibly dense. Now come on guys, get on the board! Donna, you can start this round. Pass or play?

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C#1:I shall play.

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BV:Okie-dokie. What’s your wager and chosen category?

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C#1:I’ll take Optical Delusions for $5,000, Bert. [Audience gasps and applauds]

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RL: Really, Sweet-cheeks? You look like you wouldn’t know if Christ was crucified or hit in the ass with a bootjack, right, Jimmy?

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C#2:Hee-Ho! Hee-Ho!

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RL:Hey, son, what’s with all your annoying Hee-Ho! Hee-Ho! shit?

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C#2:My agent told me it will be a stupendous career changer after he got me booked on “IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!”. Said Hee-Ho! would be my ‘break-out-buzzword’, like Orson Welles’ “Rosebud,” or Scooby-doo’s “ruh-roh.” He promised it will get me big acting jobs in Hollywood. Hee-Ho! Hee-Ho! Hee-Ho!

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By the way, Mr. Ass-hoole, ya cranky old bastard, you better start getting some answers right. I’m already $2,950 in the “Hoole,” and still have to pay 15% of that loss to my agent. Hee-Ho!

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RL:Son, I don’t think you’re too brilliant, either; in fact I doubt if you could pour piss out of a boot with the toe cut out. [A murmur ripples through the audience]

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BV:We’ll see. Anyway, it’s not even your turn, so let’s return to the ladies. Well . . .at least to Donna as she has chosen to play, while Debbie Jinn has apparently chosen to pass . . . out. [Clears throat loudly her way a few times with no results]

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In any case, Donna, what the heck is THIS? [He pulls out a hundred-dollar bill and shows it to the camera. Audience ooohs]. Take your time.

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C#1:That Bert, is a rectangular piece of green woven fiber with a picture of Ben Franklin and several ‘$100s’ printed on it. In truth, it’s only worth a few cents, but we have a collective faith that it's worth a hundred bucks. All currency is worthless. Money is a made-up concept because, Bert, “IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!”

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[Bell dings]

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BV:That is absolutely correct, Donna Carpenter, [wild applause] but guess what–the five grand you just won ain’t real either, so we ain’t payin’! [Boos begin to rain down].

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C#2: Hee-Ho! Hee-Ho! Hee-Ho!

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RL: [to C#2:] Stop! Just stop with the inferno fucking Hee-Ho!s—good god, man, you’ll never be a star that way. Ya need to stretch your performing skills, create a beloved character! Look at me–I didn’t start out as Randy Lochhart, or as Ernie Hoole, nor am I from the South. Hell no, I fought and scratched and clawed my way to the top–truth be told, my name is Ervin Gold and I’m from Newark, New Jersey. That, my boy, is called ACTING!

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C#2: Hee-Ho! Hee-Ho! Hee-Ho!

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[Audience members grumble and stir]

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BV: And we’ll be right back.

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[Audience members begin to heckle during break, “but, we won’t, losers!” and begin filing out of the studio]

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[00:18:04 - 00:22:04, blank tape rolls]

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BV:Welcome back to–Audience: [the half-dozen people still in their seats mumble a vague and feeble; ‘it's all ca-ca.’]

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For today’s final round, we planned to have Jimmy and Donna square-off for a brand new Winnebago Lightfoot, [small audience still oooohs and aaaahs, excitedly] to tour America in, but since flags, nationalities, borders, and customs are all man-made illusions fabricated to create a sense of collective unity–earth is just seven land masses not brokens up by dotted lines, if earth even exists at all–I guess that means Donna Carpenter wins today’s game. [Scattered hand-slaps, mostly by the production staff].

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Well it was nice meeting you Jimmy. Good luck bussing tables until you finally realize that “IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!” was probably going to be the epitome of your acting career so you decide to take the bus back to Enid where you will most likely spend a lot of time alone in your darkened basement bedroom replaying this show over and over, proud of your performance, yet analyzing why your acting style didn’t take. Hee-Ho!

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Donna, enjoy your illusion of winning. Debbie Jinn, glad the production assistants got you awake and walking! Good luck on your newly released single, Saggin’ Bag of Shriveled Raisinettes—may it be your big break-out song for your now much older fans.

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DG: Thanks, Bert. Do we get paid now and where’s the catering truck? I’ve been eating out of mall dumpsters for a week and need a hot meal and some more juniper juice to wash it down with.

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BV:And a big thanks to you, Randy “Ervin Gold” Lockhart, for blowing your image on this too-honest television show, because–.... Anybody?

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[Silence]

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A:We’re all out of time — a construct devised by man to keep everything from happening all at once.

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I’d like to say we’ll be back next week, but the network Bigs axed us during the first commercial break, hysterical that showing the fake facade and phony people working in television was a really bad idea to green-light: “such honesty must NEVER be exposed to the plebians! Our viewers want fun, not facts!”

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Air time does exist, though my friends, and it’s worth millions of dollars a minute, thanks to you suckers who keep watching this crap. So stay glued to the tube, my friends, and remember: IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!”

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[silence as tape fades to black]

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