I could remember back when we were children. You'd stand in front of me like a tree protecting a weak animal from the glare of the sun, your white hair shone brightly. We were twins yet looked nothing alike. Your eyes were red as blood, mine was as dark as the void.
I could feel the warmth, the protection you gave me. It was wonderful. Yet it lasted only a moment. We were separated. Do you remember? You wrote me letters consisting of few paragraphs. I tried my best to reply to every single sentence, I made sure to make you feel wanted, I made sure I was interested in your interests. I was sure I could keep you satisfied. Well, the letters stopped coming.
Seems like I was wrong.
Of course, I was your brother, only your brother. But we didn't act alike, we didn't look alike, the only connection we had was our blood. I... Now that's gone, too. The letters, the words of promise, the acceptance of trust, where did they all go? Down the garbage where the rest of the useless mail? I wonder, where did you put my letters? Under your pillow like I did? Or straight to the garbage after reading? I keep your letters, are you doing the same?
I would keep it close to me. In a second, someone had moved into your house. I asked and searched, and went without sleep for weeks. It drove me to the brink of madness not knowing where you were. I only needed just a little confirmation to see if you're alright. Still, I searched and found nothing. Just when I thought I was following the right path, there'd be a dead end. You know how I am, I can't talk with people properly. It would really help if I had you. I'm looking for you, are you doing the same?
And remember how you protected me when we were children? I couldn't do anything since I was weak. I still am but I've grown a little bit. I've encountered people that've known you, they passed rumours, bad rumours, about you. I can't talk well but I think I did a good job of protecting you. I kept your image clean. At least, I think I did. I stuttered and mixed up words but I delivered my message. Even when you're not here, I'm protecting you, would you do the same?
I found some leads, some things and clues you left behind. I'll follow it, too. I'll follow you wherever you go just to know you're alright. Are you eating? Are you sleeping? I'm not. I can't afford those luxuries when I've lost you. I'm worried about you, are you the same?
Do you think, somewhere, in a universe where the Fates took pity on my soul, do you think that I may have had a chance?If I were a woman, if I weren't your brother, it wouldn't be a sin to adore you, to love you. It... won't. I'm selfish, I really am. I've disappointed you, after all you've done for me. I'm sorry I couldn't be a perfect brother, I'm sorry I couldn't be a brother at all to you. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. You gave to me your everything, your all, yet I didn't turn out the way you expected me to.Only in my dreams could I ever send such a letter to you. I long for you, I wish for you, do you do the same?
Why couldn't I be satisfied just with being beside you? Why couldn't I stay still? 95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIINU17caU5
Why did I have to want more when I had your attention, your concern? Is it my fault that we changed? That you changed? I'm really sorry, I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry I fell in love with you when I shouldn't have. I'm sorry I took advantage of your kindness and loved you for all those years. Maybe you ran away. Maybe that's why I can't find you. Is this my fault, too? And I know, I know of all the horrible thoughts I have but won't you just spare me a glance? Won't you turn just a little bit on my way? I can't be saying this, I don't have the right to but still, allow me my fantasy just this once. I know I wronged you. I wronged you. But please, please. Just this once, then never again. I loved you and I still do, I loved you so much. I stood in front of the church, begging God for mercy, for my punishment to be postponed just until I see you. Would you have done the same?
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