November 19th, 2014
Visiting Dr. Morgan's office on a chilly Wednesday morning was not my favorite thing in the world, but I had to admit that I was excited to tell the doctor what I had been up to recently. The last 2 times we were supposed to have an appointment, I had to cancel due to getting called into BurgerByte.
I was thankful that the doctor was very understanding of my work schedule and needing the money. She had even told the front desk ladies to waive the appointment cancellation fee they usually charged tardy patients. I had a lot on my mind over the last few weeks and I found myself writing furiously about things I wanted to tell Maria as Kris and I drove to Lakeside.
Walking into the main office, I scurried down the hallway and into Dr. Morgan's office and took a seat. While I waited for her, I decided to read over what I'd already wrote.
I can't help but feel accomplished. The last few weeks had brought progress in ways I hadn't thought possible.
The morning after Taylor left, I awoke to a knock on my bedroom door. Standing on the other side was Dylan, with a goofy grin on his face. "Hey, Luna. I have a piece of mail for you. I think it may be from that burger joint you work at."
I snatched the envelope out of his hands and turned it over. Printed neatly on the top left corner was the corporate address for BurgerByte. Upon opening it, I found a pale yellow check with my first week's salary on it. I had forgotten to set up my banking info with Tracy the first day I worked, with it being the end of the pay period, it meant that my first paycheck had to be sent by mail.
I couldn't control the squeal that left my body and I bounced a few times in place before sheepishly meeting Dylan's amused gaze.
"I guess it's payday, then?" He laughed, his chocolate brown eyes crinkling at the edges.
I nodded excitedly. "I have to go tell Matt and Kris!"
Dylan had a slight frown for a moment. "Matt had a job over in Sarasota today, but I think Kris might still be here."
I hurried to the other side of the trailer and excitedly pounded on Kris' door. I listened for movement inside her room and heard a thump as Kris shuffled over. Swinging the door wide, I was met with a very angry ginger.
"What!?" She snarled. Her hair was a mess, a wild mane of knotted curls that were shaped in an odd direction from sleep. Her hard eyes softened when she saw my excitement and she rubbed them vigorously. "Sorry, I was asleep and thought you were one of my idiot brothers."
Her half-hearted apology couldn't damper my mood right now and I shoved the paycheck into her face. "Look! I got paid!" It decidedly wasn't much money, but it was mine and for the first time since I moved in, I could lighten the financial load on the Wooding siblings.
Kris eyes widened and she took the check from my outstretched hand, reading it over and over. "Luna!! This is great! Congratulations."
"Can you take me to go deposit it before I have work, please? I hate to ask but Matt and Taylor are at work right now and I want to be able to help with some bills." I studied her face for a moment, she returned timid smile with a gentle, tired one of her own.
"Of course, let me get dressed and grab my keys and we can go." Kris shut the door and I could hear her cursing at her messy room while she tried to find something semi-clean to wear. After a few minutes of waiting she emerged from her abode and I followed her out to the car.
It didn't take long for the older woman to burst through the door in a rush. She set a cup of coffee onto the desk and slid into her office chair with a huff. "It has been a busy morning! How are you doing today, Luna?"
"I have been doing really good here recently. I actually wrote some stuff I wanted to tell you on the way here." I happily handed her the black notebook with what I'd already written for her.
"Eager to get started today?" She gave me a wide smile, which I returned with giddy excitement.
Adjusting her silver-rimmed glasses, she began to read. As she studied my writing, I noticed that she was looking healthier too. The bags she'd previously had under her eyes were fading, her manicure was fresh and her hair was flawless.
Dr. Morgan clearing her throat cut through the silence and I glanced at her as she began to speak. "Luna, really, this is wonderful! I'm glad to see that you have been sticking to your goals and taking more responsibility. How did it go after you got your paycheck?"
I smiled. "I didn't have a chance to write everything down on my way here and I've been too busy to write with work and everything, but it went well. I paid the electric bill last week and I'm going to give Kris and Matt gas money today."
The older woman nodded solemnly. "Have you bought anything for yourself?"
I was taken aback at her question and shook my head. "Not really, why?"
She gave me a concerned look. "Part of your healing and mental health recovery is self-care. I worry you might burn yourself out if you don't pace yourself. You've missed two therapy sessions to come in to work. You haven't gotten anything for yourself, you're not taking enough time to rest, I can see you're not taking care of yourself like you should."
I looked at my worn shoes and my ill fitting thrift store outfit. I knew she was right and that arguing with her was lying to both her and myself. In my eagerness to 'prove myself' as something other then a leech to the Wooding family, I had been working a lot of extra shifts. I could feel my pants fitting a bit tighter since I started eating at work more.
"There are more forms of self harm then just injuring yourself, dear." The doctor looked at me firmly, which made me feel a bit like a petulant child. "I still think you are thinking of yourself as worth less then everyone else around you. That's not to say that you aren't doing a good job. You're holding a steady job and working on being more accountable for your actions. But don't be too hard on yourself, either."
I could feel the shame and self hatred bubbling in my gut. It made me uncomfortable and I shifted in my seat, picking at my nails and my clothes. "I know... It's just hard to think of myself when there's so many bills that need paying. Kris and Matt have been robbing Peter to pay Paul for so long that I want to help as much as possible."
A tear pooled in the corner of my eye, but I quickly wiped it away. "Kris works extra shifts, even when she's sick, just to make sure I can stay there. Matt has a second job on the weekends when he should be relaxing. We are struggling so hard right now and I just want us to live, not survive week to week."
Maria's charcoal eyes were full of emotion and her voice cracked when she spoke. "I know what that's like and I can't lie and say I wasn't the same way when I was young. Please be careful and pace yourself, your path currently is unsustainable. If you don't prioritize self care, you're liable to send yourself into a breakdown."
She leaned back in her chair and smoothed her blouse. "That being said, self care isn't just buying things for yourself and making yourself feel good, it is also digging deep and working through your issues, prioritizing your mental health and not neglecting your physical health. Take a walk, watch a movie, make sure you're showering and eating regularly."
I looked at the clock on the wall and saw that our time this week was coming quickly to a close. "I will do my best, I can't promise I'll be perfect at it, but I also don't want to burn out now when I am this close to being a functioning adult."
Maria nodded. "I think that is a great goal to work towards. Keep in mind, you can't expect a bad patterns to be broken immediately. It takes work and perseverance, but I think you're mostly on the right track.'
She caught my looking at the clock on the wall and gave me a sad smile. "I'm sorry, I wish we had more time this week, but my next appointment will be here at 9:30."
I understood that was my cue to leave, so I collected my little black book and my bookbag and said my goodbyes to the doctor. As I left the therapy building and entered the parking lot, I saw Matt's truck pulling into the parking lot.
That's odd, Kris was supposed to be picking me up. I trotted over to the faded pickup and tapped on Matt's window. He rolled the manual window down with some effort and leaned his arm out of the truck. "Kris got called in and I had some time today before work. Get in."
I ran around the side of the single cab older model Chevy and opened the door, which groaned in protest. Hopping up into the aging blue interior I glanced over at Matt as he put the truck in drive and pulled out onto the highway.
Matt's mouth was set in a hard line and I could see he had a lot on his mind. "How's work been going?" It was a weak attempt at conversation, but it made him scoff.
"It's going. Nobody but me seems to want to work, every last damn one of them are sitting around, gossiping like a bunch of teenage girls. Boss man says the project was supposed to get done in six weeks, but I don't think this lot will be even a firth of the way done by Christmas."
He swore as a truck pulled out in front of us. "Stupid bastard.."
I looked down at my bookbag and struggled to find anything to keep the conversation going. "Well, uh... That sucks. Therapy today went pretty well. Dr. Morgan is a good therapist."
A silence fell over us, save for the occasional rumble from the exhaust of the truck as it accelerated.
I spotted a gas station up ahead and I told Matt to pull in. He gave me a quizzical look, but complied. Pulling up to the gas pump, he went to pull his card out, but I beat him to it and handed him my new debit card. "Here, take it for gas money. Fill it up."
Matt looked at me for a long time, before he cut the engine off and got out to pay at the pump. Once the old Chevy had finished filling up, he climbed back into the driver's seat and we were off again. I caught him looking at me out of the corner of his eye every so often, but I didn't try to rekindle the conversation this time.
After a long while he spoke. "Thank you."
I gave him a smile that as more confident then I felt. "Your welcome. It's the least I could do."
We drove around a curve, looking at the rolling countryside before us as the suburbs faded into the more rural parts of town. "You're really starting to get a grip, kid. I kinda figured you'd sulk for at least a few more months, but you've really grabbed life by the balls here recently."
I couldn't tell if he was trying to insult or compliment me at first, but as he continued to talk I saw less of the jaded man and more of my best friend's brother. The boy that had thrown frogs on me and Kris while we played on a swing set, who would take on the world for his younger siblings.
"I'm trying Matt, I really am. I don't want to be a burden on y'all. I want to help you like you have helped me. I've been picking up extra shits when I can and saving money to help with bills every week. I'm sorry I can't do more." I picked at my shirt and tried to will my stupid eyes to quit welling up with tears.
Abruptly, Matt put his hand on my shoulder and patted it awkwardly. "It's okay. To be fair, you've had less time of being an adult then I have. I was a dumbass at 18. Hell, if I didn't have Kris and Dylan to take care of, I'd probably still be a dumbass."
He drummed his fingers against the steering wheel, coming to a stop at a yellow flashing light. "Don't be too hard on yourself. I know I can be an ass sometimes, but I mean well, usually. I'm only hard on you because I know you can do better then what you were doing when you showed up at our house."
It had been a long time since Matt had been this open with me. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't enjoying talking like this with him. After he graduated high school he had made it his mission to get him and his siblings away from his parents. He worked tirelessly to get a good enough paying job that he could afford to buy the house and property. It took years for him to fix it up enough to be able to live in it and to get Kris and Dylan old enough to come live with him.
As we pulled into the drive and Matt shut the truck off, he turned to me and smiled. "I'm happy you're in our lives, Luna." With that, he exited the truck and walked into the house, with me following close behind.
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