【同人】最遊記 - 天篷／那裡有一個……

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（敖潤）

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「人間界除了死亡，還有什麼？」

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他曾經問過上司這樣模糊彼此分明階級界線的問題。

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龍王雖然仍舊緊繃著一成不變的嚴肅臉孔，還不至於對他流露些許失望。

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畢竟是看重他的。即使不信這個難以捉摸骨子裡理性至上的西方軍大元帥也會公開表示百無聊賴。

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簡直是不怕展示自己祕密般地強大自戀。

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正因他是強大的，所以無可避免地有所缺陷。

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「天蓬元帥。」

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龍王闔上血紅濃華的雙眸，像是在黑暗中能看得更清楚般，也像懷念過去早逝的部下。

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「那樣的問題，我想並沒有必要提出。」

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公式化的回應是個性使然。要是換作捲簾大將在這裡大放厥詞，龍王敖潤大概要下達軍令就地處決。

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「告訴你吧。」

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戴著厚重眼鏡的男人唰地一聲用力掀開竹簾，瞬間擊滅黑暗房間的死寂。

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（現在想來，他就是有這樣的能耐，無所畏懼的坦率與世故到盡頭的天真。）

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不知道從什麼時候起，龍王宅邸旁，窗外那片即將凋零永別的櫻花。以一種訴說永別的姿態燦爛盛開，卻絕不後悔的身姿，吸引了他。

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每每都要駐足一時半刻去感懷。

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「那裡，」

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像是宣布什麼重大決令，說出來的卻是荒誕無稽的預言。

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「有一個將來會愛上的人。」

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（金蟬）

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「那裡什麼都沒有。就算真的得到『什麼』，也會在轉瞬失去。周而復始。不忘掉，就只有失望。」

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「聽起來比天界好嘛。在天界，連『得到』這件事也不存在。」

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「……我們現在所擁有的一切難道都是假的？」

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「你先說說看我們擁有了什麼吧。」

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「……你自己去體會吧！」

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金蟬重新埋入公文。

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「……只是我們無法證明這個擁有的『當下』存在而已。但不能因為無法證明，就說它不存在。」

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「很有意思的哲學家啊。這就是觀世音菩薩從小教導的輪迴概念嗎？真是百世公案啊。」

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天篷倚向窗外。

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「我們看著人類，然而又有誰正看著我們？」

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「那種事，去問鬼吧。」

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「你根本不介意那種事吧？因為你現在只要待在這裡，就很滿足了。」

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「……。」

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緩慢地承認了。

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「……啊啊，我現在不會去考慮其他的事情。」

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「你倒是活得很幸福喔。」

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天蓬兩手一攤。

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「因此，你說不定看不到。」

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「看不到什麼？」

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「將來。」

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像那天在龍王敖潤值勤室的篤定姿態。他大剌剌指向窗外，出乎意料的露出滿足的神情。

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那麼大獲全勝的樣子。

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那種滿足，就好像全然的勝利。保護所有部下全身而退的偉岸。

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「那裡，有一個將來會愛上的人。」

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櫻花飄過窗前。絳麗不馴的風貌和他很適合。

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他就是這樣不羈、我行我素、風華絕貌的萬年元帥。

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雖然他總是不修邊幅。雖然他總是邋遢。

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雖然，他總是晚到。

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雖然。

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但他到底會來。

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擺在遠處看，他是美麗的。

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也真的美麗。

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殘酷剖開後，裡面竟然只有純真。

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會不會不甘心？

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「人類最大的悲劇，就是想知道裡面有什麼。這是人間界的寓言。」

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「哈啊？」

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金蟬真的無力回嘴了。

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「小天！」

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飼主鍾愛的孩子笑鬧著衝了進來。那麼活潑。

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讓某人幸福的人。

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我們的天蓬元帥只是一貫微笑，溫柔接過悟空遞上的書冊。

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「看樣子，是我問錯人了。」

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那天讀給悟空的人間界童話故事，他偷偷竄改了結局，一如既往做他認為正確的把戲。

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「永遠幸福吧。」

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把真正悲傷的結局撕碎。他將更好的想望接上故事尾聲。專屬於他的溫柔固執。

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他和他的監護人都一致同意，在悟空的澄澈世界裡，還不需要這樣的雨天。

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他還太小。還無力去承擔辛酸。

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還不需要。還什麼都。

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還太早。什麼都還太早。

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任何「絕望」都是這個空間被禁止的語句。

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「悟空。」

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（捲簾）

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一座內部紊亂的樓宇，探究到最後，裡面竟然只藏著一個純真的人。他失望嗎？

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捲簾大將費力在書堆中前進。每走一步，看到的東西就讓他越想發笑。

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觀察別人對他來說樂趣更大。書，只是為了埋葬某人衍生出的道具。

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裡面的內容跟美酒比起來只是無聊的寓言。

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或許將來，他的確輕視了寓言……。

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天界並不需要寓言。誰也不必被警惕。

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因為誰都那麼自大愚蠢。絲毫沒注意到即將發生的慘劇。

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一種誰也不在乎誰的自由假象。

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他為了衝破那片微薄的假象，奮力找尋活著的感覺。

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從軍是一種手段。目的嘛……說穿了

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──他害怕有一天忘記活著的感覺。

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那位整天活埋自己的居民，常常就這樣仰躺在障礙物裡長吁短嘆。

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「人類的悲劇，就是想知道裡面有什麼。」

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「你這樣簡直就像是為了旅行做準備嘛。」

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儘管努力開路，更多史詩巨冊往他身上坍塌。捲簾掙扎游泳的同時不忘譏諷。

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「已經不是旅行了……是遠行才對。」

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「我並沒有，要去哪裡。」

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才說出口就驚覺似乎不是如此。

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倏地起身。

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「我越來越佩服你了。」

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「哈啊？」

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「你打算去哪？」

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40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwRr7s0pZ9x

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Jq1dbv016

紊亂的房間與他極度清晰敏銳的精神狀態。如此截然不同的景象拼湊成的叫做天蓬的這個男人，有時是他所不理解的陌生人。那種比他和誰都想衝破一切去看、去活、去發現的猛烈堅持──

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幾乎造就了他的強大。

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強大得差點就異化成孤單。

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40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6mvjZJ66EJ

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoK2hvxFXfd

──你是不是有一種過於強大的孤單呢？

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40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7g35UqApRy

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHLEvZ2tP0V

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「你說哪裡？」

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「……你的房間。」

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40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwhPDdfklHN

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWGhr64HhiR

這些日子以來，對人間界的興趣幾乎穿透了他所有的思緒直達腦底。他翻遍所有書籍記下的每一種關於死亡的敘述，逼他去正視自己的感覺。

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自己的缺憾。

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「捲簾，你還沒去過的地方，是哪裡？」

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5dvWi9tWaq

「嗯……該說是人間界吧？雖然出陣的次數數不清，但說實在，那不叫去過……只是瞄一眼的程度。」

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「那去活一次如何？」

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「異想天開病又發作了嗎？」

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「天蓬，你的目的是什麼？」

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40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbcF82BQcHP

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他知道他比誰都強大。也深知他細膩的性格。想得比他們誰都多的思緒。但是。

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那麼可靠的人，真的還想得到什麼嗎？

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpLJXdfvyAl

還有什麼是他沒有的、非擁有不可的嗎？他還不滿足於現狀嗎？

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40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaxUk0SGS2n

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他是不是漸漸變得像人類了？典型的不知足。

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像是隨時準備好要離開一樣。

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（天蓬）

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有時候，他也會幻想。

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幻想他不再是他，只是一個異域人類。擁有那些天界所謂不堪的平凡瑣碎的小小情感。

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身邊有一個臉孔模糊的人。自己豢養的生物。

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為什麼只是這樣，胸膛就有那種鉛重的篤定感？

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為那個人做什麼都可以。

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為什麼這種感情是存在的？

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40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFrvlXMhAWQ

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有時候，他也會做夢。

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBknx01091n

夢到從最高的天台一跌，直往地心俯掉的那種猛烈墜落感。危險卻刺激。

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腹部的壓力再大也不肯放手的篤定感。

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他迄今不曾見過的風景。

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有時他太強大。強大到無法體會別的感情。

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那是一種脆弱嗎？他是不是太貪心了？

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什麼都想看。什麼都想碰觸。

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太陽和月亮。死敵和摯友。難道他想同時擁有嗎？

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這是他身為神的執拗嗎？

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那他可以不要當神嗎？

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40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOujcpxDxod

人間界有各式各樣的臉孔。每天持續更替的容貌。天界卻只有稍不注意就更加窒息的自由。

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Dq5047Vlt

在書裡，他就是想逃避這種窒息感。不只是喜歡閱讀而已。契機是他很久以前就發現的微弱恐懼。

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那則人間界的西洋戰史，為一個女人毀掉一座城的荒誕虛無。

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在他看來並不可笑。有趣。

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40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxJlWnPEaS7

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他反而好奇：他也會如此不擇手段嗎？

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkYAl5JdOMi

漸漸嚮往那樣的精神與痴愚。

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當他置身其中後，還會覺得自己愚不可及嗎？

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定期來幫忙整理房間的男人諷刺提問。

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「像你這樣的人，真的會愛誰嗎？」

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「真是失禮啊。」

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSyLOgW7qWz

「小天，什麼是愛人？」

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX2hLeoiKP3

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ07dh0I9Jj1

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那麼純真的眼窪，是愛著那個人的。這裡不是人間界，卻也有這樣的連結。多美麗。你愛他，卻沒發現他也強烈地愛著你嗎？

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他羨慕。也頭一次真正覺得自己輸了。輸得所剩無幾卻還要爭一次什麼。

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──屬於我的自由嗎？

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIGCmcLSdtN

──脫下一身枯槁半死的自己嗎？

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNqMP3DTfCa

如果我現在是自由的，那在哪裡才能葬送自由？

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像金蟬那樣給出了所有，卻像被完整了一樣。再也感受不到一點不自由。

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──你真幸福。

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這一刻，你是幸福的。幸福得讓我深刻體會自己可笑的自由。

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我的確是自由的。但這種自由讓我一無所有。

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以及這種自由的無用。

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「如果我真的去到那個地方，一定會有一個人出現讓我愛。」

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAcH0BGYCBK

「你憑什麼這麼有自信啊？」

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRFx6EX1vXe

簡直到了自大的境界。跟他的一句話比起來，捲簾的所有大話都顯得微不足道，幾乎是小學生的發言。

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40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLHhK2fhk1f

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「就算有哪個女人愛你，一定也會馬上就膩了。離開你的速度，比不上一朵花的凋零。」

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXeXExHURG8

「那樣的時間也夠我看她了。」

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他捺熄香菸，第一次覺得已經足夠/滿足。

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愛一個人究竟能到怎麼的程度？他想問。

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到什麼程度，才能切實體會到真正走了一回？

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人間界的小說家，不斷不斷地在書中反芻這樣的提問。

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他竟對他們的疑惑有了廣袤的興趣。

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遼闊到讓他從書堆中爬起來吃飯的程度。

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──你能愛到怎樣的程度？

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──到達那樣的程度後，難道就到底了嗎？就什麼都沒有了嗎？

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他敢賭嗎？

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（花喃）

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因他自身的古怪，無可避免地活成了這副人人喊打的德性。

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5lcN5QjTTt

不後悔。還覺得很快樂。他終究沒忘記活著的感覺。真美。

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自己的鮮血嗅起來竟然不那麼腥臭。難道他過於抬舉自己了？

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在龍王邸窗望得到全景的櫻花全部盛放最終凋零以後，

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逃亡到最後，他還剩下什麼？

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──龍王，你能寫下來嗎？

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40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa6GIQ445lG

在天界後半段的日子，他花去全部生命被教得知曉了「活」的意欲。那個美麗的孩子。

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不後悔去保護一個終將面臨悲傷的人。保護到不能保護為止。戰鬥到不能戰鬥為止。

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40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEmvmCZKQhh

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那他會後悔的是什麼？

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那他接下來想知道的是什麼？

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想必是他曾經無數次發問過的那件事吧。

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──你以為人間界有什麼？

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40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaUtBKvuejz

專心地愛除自己以外的人。

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40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCv4ckugNEM

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhm9oGEUGmj

不要再愛自己了。去愛別人吧。

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLIfB7ExHYR

不是嘗試而已。不是偶發的煩悶憂鬱而已。是到了不得不的時候。是到了沒有那個人就不行的時候。

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwNbOE4danL

那會是什麼驚心動魄的感覺？他期待。他靜靜盼望。直到再也無法思考。

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40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4mj5dkzmqv

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQwZuzEKk1a

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCeK4Qt2AAA

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj1e05jdg5w

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡonaDYawuH9

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTqSdFJLUxg

腸子，掉出來了。

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40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4pM2d10ixx

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQrptXh5JBl

心裡的水仙花枯萎了。永遠地死了。

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmzipXxskMq

他就要變成另一個人了。

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFev0OK8jvB

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGSIgFr7hOd

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他準備好了嗎？

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──是好事嗎？捲簾問。

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9g2EWEEtIK

嘿，不一定是好事。或許會痛到哭出來。或許會憤恨到殺掉所有人。或許是一生的屈辱。

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCKY4tLkPJZ

卻是快樂的事。是美麗的事。用他所有天界的詞彙都敘述不完的，沒體會過的事。

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCknaSuFxuU

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyDu343dAnl

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLg2Szxna7U

等到下一世的他愛上那個人，就會知道了吧？

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWUMdOoHf28

如此……美好。

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzGHOtreJl5

美好到，他情願捨棄性命也要去看一眼的臉孔。

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡURdnMtfhln

就算那個人真的不美，他又怎麼會意識到？

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqCYa3rewFS

無可自拔的沼澤。根本不需要眼睛。盲目竟成為美麗的意義。

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40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvv1WBpxQBI

人究竟要怎麼自欺欺人才能極力否定自己深愛的物事？特別他還是個坦率的人。

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbB9EoLDZ1G

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他已經準備好要愛了。已經準備好要離開了。

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEhlSASiIMg

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgOTnHdJ9Vb

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGSoorhesBT

為那個人失去性命，是值得的嗎？

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但是自己的性命難道比她還重要？

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他會如此不分輕重嗎？

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──你已經在那裡等我了嗎？

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40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡndlnhwiusE

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──讓你久等了。

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過去，我的生活太散慢，日子過得太輕忽，也下意識不敢想像，一旦離開會怎麼樣。

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHipxAzeNbW

但是那些都過去了。

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40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsIyiUGMdVq

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQL03iToLT

嘿，把其他器官都奪走吧。只要留一隻眼睛給我……

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfFJOMcovSA

適逢喪失性命的那一刻，他想要的竟然只是一隻眼睛。

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後記

40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ30Z21ilZ7d

這篇說的是花喃。無俚頭的水仙天蓬元帥竟然會愛一個人。光用想的都美。

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