那些暗戀的小事 - 幻想與錯覺的結合

真實故事，致我唯一的一場暗戀

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第一次聽到你的名字是從別人的口中得知。

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「隔壁的■■■好帥喔～」聽到這種話的次數不計其數。

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我最初不屑一顧。

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直到小學三年級跟你分到同一班。

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你上課時會認真發問、下課時會和同學們打鬧成一片，是大家的開心果。

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你彷彿散發著光芒……就算混在人群中，我也能第一眼就看到你。

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但這種耀眼的地方不是只有我能看到。

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三四年級時我的摯友，升上高年級後認識的新朋友……全部都喜歡你。

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……「大家是中蠱了嗎？」雖然很想這樣吐槽，但我似乎沒資格這樣說。

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朋友們會和我分享自己喜歡的人，這是件好事。但我卻是不敢跟他們說自己隱密的心思……是因為失去先機了嗎？

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不過這樣也好，我也不是喜歡張揚的人。

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本來不太相信星座的，但在意外得知你的星座後，我會偷偷去查配得指數。

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名字的配得指數也不能放過！

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雖然，在打出你名字的時候非常彆扭。

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我的情緒過於內斂，只要我不說，沒人看得出我的心情。

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五年級時，我坐在一張長條椅上。你突然坐在我旁邊，我卻在你坐下的同時馬上起身離開。

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……

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……你一定以為我討厭你吧。

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上課時，你坐在我斜前方，我總會盯著你的後腦勺。

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你偶爾會回頭看我，我會被抓包一般撇開視線。頭往上仰，用鼻孔看你。

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但心裡卻不禁雀躍「他是不是也喜歡我呢？」

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升上國中後，班級裡出現你喜歡另一個女生的流言。

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我不願相信，如果可以的話，我想親耳聽到你這麼說……

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在一次偶然，我聽到了你和同學的閒聊。

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「你是不是喜歡□□□？」

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「……那又怎樣。」

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你親口承認，自己喜歡上那個女生了。

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……

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我開始觀察你們的互動。

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你會捉弄她、會去找她聊天，你並不避諱於表達自己對她的喜愛。

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突然發現，你回頭並不是看我，是看坐在我後面的那個「她」

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原來，我一直都誤會了。

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你喜歡上一個人後，會和別人宣揚、會扯她的頭髮吸引關注……意外觀察到很多本來的我不知道的事。

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……我根本從來沒有真正認識過你呢。

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一切的愛慕似乎都是由我對你的幻想構成。

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一人靜靜燃起的愛戀之火，也讓它獨自默然熄滅吧。

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去掉滿心的幻想與錯覺。

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讓心歸為空殼。

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