No Plagiarism!hN1l3NHt3JRkhwFGVhdUposted on PENANA
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大家好,今天我將爲緬因吉的作品《在異世界?的那些事》寫下心得。8964 copyright protection516PENANA9aT2Ql7LWI 維尼
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首先,依然不厭其煩地先説明我對於心得的想法。8964 copyright protection516PENANA5bpgJFVUv8 維尼
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在這個寫得好並不代表一定有人氣的嚴苛環境下,我希望心得不只是單純挖掘作者可進步的點,還希望作者能夠獲得動力完成作品,甚至……8964 copyright protection516PENANAtodBU6q6OS 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANABftwF73Xcg
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能夠讓心得替這部作品召來更多讀者。8964 copyright protection516PENANAvblCWzwm06 維尼
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有鑒於此,本心得將會分爲兩個部分:8964 copyright protection516PENANAGpTpA7LpKe 維尼
1)寫給讀者的宣傳式心得8964 copyright protection516PENANA8gBLhhVTPD 維尼
2)面向作者的分享式心得8964 copyright protection516PENANAbGleJOnfh3 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANAKdKaIFlqhk
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事不宜遲,現在開始。8964 copyright protection516PENANAF1tNg0aiaC 維尼
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1)寫給讀者的宣傳式心得8964 copyright protection516PENANAbwZUulHvQr 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANAo6qyifPSKp
8964 copyright protection516PENANAAHC0tS8UAb 維尼
首先,《在異世界?的那些事》是個怎樣的故事呢?8964 copyright protection516PENANAU1N9Hrumjm 維尼
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主角MOOMIN…… 8964 copyright protection516PENANA4fc3oSP8y9 維尼
咳!我是説主角常睦民。抱歉,睦民這個名字總是讓我想起動畫角色MOOMIN。8964 copyright protection516PENANAEeIAW4bsGO 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANAxcEf8yRqbk
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從頭來過。8964 copyright protection516PENANAaatJuv79bK 維尼
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根據我所閲讀的範圍,主角常睦民是位過氣的小説家,後來因爲接連的意外而丟了性命,來到了很多獸人的世界,並與八十公分高的武士服美少女--愛歐塔,一起展開收集水晶的異世界冒險。8964 copyright protection516PENANAJBTR3BXuFD 維尼
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表面上是這樣。8964 copyright protection516PENANAOgyCp3Lkp7 維尼
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這部作品乍一看是爛大街的異世界轉生題材,但種種跡象表明並沒那麽簡單。8964 copyright protection516PENANAEVZffxZdDv 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANAj4pZb8j1Vj
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書名《在異世界?的那些事》中,就能看見「異世界」三個字旁有個問號。8964 copyright protection516PENANAFsDqGleB8g 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANAlt7sb7OFcZ
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常睦民在現實世界遭遇車禍時,還親眼看見一隻類似浩克的晶石怪物。之後穿越到異世界(?)時,還隱約聽見什麽「重生計劃,第二十八次,啟動」。8964 copyright protection516PENANAsnnfC5qiai 維尼
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而在醫院,常睦民的母親和親戚交談時,還提過什麽「强化裝甲」和「新能源」之類,似乎所在的「現實世界」擁有挺高的科技力。8964 copyright protection516PENANA21QCI0KUhs 維尼
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至於真相是什麽呢?8964 copyright protection516PENANAStKDdwYMdT 維尼
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那就唯有閲讀到最後才會知道了。8964 copyright protection516PENANAeh52CxxrtC 維尼
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除了「這個異世界真的是異世界?」的賣點外,作者在戰鬥方面描寫得還挺不錯的,看看這一段:8964 copyright protection516PENANAmeTVGYQTVr 維尼
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充滿畫面感之餘,節奏也不拖沓,在此向喜歡戰鬥的讀者們强力推薦。8964 copyright protection516PENANADQLCrd1G7y 維尼
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對了,上面的癸就是封面的這位:8964 copyright protection516PENANA7nwYY2YEVP 維尼
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除了癸,故事裏還有另一隻非常可愛的女角色,那就是只有八十公分高的武士服美少女—愛歐塔:8964 copyright protection516PENANApMDdDd5aoN 維尼
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怎樣?是不是開始心動了呢?8964 copyright protection516PENANAXCh3AwWtCZ 維尼
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不過在這裏得提醒各位,就是故事的開展並沒那麽快,不能依據黃金三章的方式來評斷。8964 copyright protection516PENANA5YLGqQvPrc 維尼
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爲了鋪墊「這個異世界真的是異世界?」的伏筆,常睦民直到第6話才進入獸人的世界,而主角的第一場戰鬥更是遲至第12話才發生。8964 copyright protection516PENANAnlWCMErsJe 維尼
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那麽……做好心理準備了嗎?8964 copyright protection516PENANAVS2FdYCp5M 維尼
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好,點擊以下連結,開始你的異世界?之旅吧!8964 copyright protection516PENANAzlmQShvQmA 維尼
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連結:8964 copyright protection516PENANA9gFuD2md9H 維尼
https://www.penana.com/article/7889898964 copyright protection516PENANAgBgHxxLCdr 維尼
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以上就是《寫給讀者的宣傳式心得》。8964 copyright protection516PENANALib7l3JHwN 維尼
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2)面向作者的分享式心得(含劇透)8964 copyright protection516PENANAB3WXGfP3Nc 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANAteScJBIlKm
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在這裏,我會著重於三點來分享,分別是故事賣點、作品節奏及戰鬥。8964 copyright protection516PENANA9UDVjMQZg7 維尼
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一、故事賣點8964 copyright protection516PENANAv5lF2hKreD 維尼
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閲讀了十二章,總結來説故事的買點有三個,分別是「這個異世界真的是異世界?」,「有趣的獸人世界」和「精彩的戰鬥」。8964 copyright protection516PENANA9Hu3suVBh3 維尼
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這裏我會集中於「有趣的獸人世界」這個賣點,其餘兩個會分別在作品節奏及戰鬥裏提及。8964 copyright protection516PENANADmbqh4eGP6 維尼
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首先一提起獸人,相信很多人就會開始幻想可愛的貓娘或小熊正太、性感的狐女、霸氣的獅男之類。8964 copyright protection516PENANAwWL3SbJWdi 維尼
然而我注意到的是,作者幾乎統一稱之爲獸人,沒分什麽貓、獅子或熊之類的,就變得較難去具體想像獸人角色們的外貌。8964 copyright protection516PENANA2CbSvxO0qW 維尼
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角色外貌模糊,有趣的程度也會減少。8964 copyright protection516PENANAUp82uUPgwj 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANAkVwbhloPP1
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當然,也許作者就是不願跟隨主流,像「這個異世界真的是異世界?」那樣,作品設定為「這些獸人真的是我們熟悉的獸人?」。8964 copyright protection516PENANAopcuJHXws7 維尼
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如果是真的,那就有點可惜。8964 copyright protection516PENANA10Nskbn33b 維尼
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總歸一句,單單「獸人」兩個字,形象不夠具體。而解決方法除了使用插圖,就是「聯想」,讓讀者聯想角色跟哪一種動物有關。8964 copyright protection516PENANAu5CdkAHEKF 維尼
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二、故事節奏8964 copyright protection516PENANA5WYxo7JnhG 維尼
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上面提到的兩個賣點,「有趣的獸人世界」和「精彩的戰鬥」分別發生在第6話和第12話。8964 copyright protection516PENANAxf6pACBbf9 維尼
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接下來,讓我們看看一些數據。8964 copyright protection516PENANAarbb2Y3nQi 維尼
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1到3話:8964 copyright protection516PENANAdlrOwyGTpk 維尼
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10到12話:8964 copyright protection516PENANAgPy9J7Lc9D 維尼
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數據已經明確表明,很多讀者撐不到第12話的第一次戰鬥。8964 copyright protection516PENANADM6h1uKm5C 維尼
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如果作者覺得無所謂,那我無話可説,請跳過接下來幾段話。8964 copyright protection516PENANAIYJJXadAdP 維尼
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既然選擇不跳過,那我就説實話,在這裏提議加快故事節奏。8964 copyright protection516PENANA8cAepBK7NE 維尼
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前面3話,似乎都在鋪陳 「這個異世界真的是異世界?」的伏筆。作者固然認爲重要,其實我也認爲很重要,但問題是……8964 copyright protection516PENANAHtbr8aUYFh 維尼
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大部分讀者都不會這麽想。8964 copyright protection516PENANABT8NhqUh07 維尼
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如果根據黃金三章的準則,我會建議前面3話就要讓主角進入異世界?,愛歐塔登場,發生第一次戰鬥,然後癸登場並使出「登樓月」。8964 copyright protection516PENANAYEU5xhUBui 維尼
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前面3話,也就是約6000字以内就要做到上述這些。8964 copyright protection516PENANAWmA1ku262E 維尼
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當然,説是容易……8964 copyright protection516PENANAtT3rdbFWw8 維尼
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這裏,我會嘗試建議如何做得到。8964 copyright protection516PENANAreBOPAb1CC 維尼
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首先,因爲不知道現實世界的世界觀,前面3話常睦民發生車禍,入院後癱瘓等劇情,我無法給出任何建議。8964 copyright protection516PENANA0v68ALYXuC 維尼
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之後的適應新身體劇情,個人覺得可以借由第一次戰鬥的發生,通過瞬間的回想呈現出來,例如:8964 copyright protection516PENANAcB9vDdmvjQ 維尼
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上面段落的第一句,就是劇情回想了。8964 copyright protection516PENANAWGDA8ckGN1 維尼
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適應新身體的詳細劇情,可以等到主角在獸人村莊安頓后,晚上臨睡前才回想,但也別太拖,大約一章的篇幅。8964 copyright protection516PENANAU4rXi2oAXi 維尼
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至於女主癸……是女主沒錯吧?畢竟封面就是她……8964 copyright protection516PENANAxPhLsXEXgR 維尼
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癸的戰鬥部份,也最好提早至主角還未抵達獸人村莊,或一抵達就發生。8964 copyright protection516PENANAEhzY0PV2RN 維尼
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大致上只能做出這些建議,總之就是把主要的賣點儘快展現出來。8964 copyright protection516PENANA1WeAjUBojO 維尼
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三、戰鬥8964 copyright protection516PENANA20a3fEBqLu 維尼
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常睦民第一次的戰鬥寫得不錯,但個人覺得若能刪除一些贅句及贅字,更能令戰鬥節奏加快,提升緊張感。8964 copyright protection516PENANAsupr4BdW8t 維尼
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以下是根據我個人的風格,所作出的修改建議:8964 copyright protection516PENANA7ykaBzmT6c 維尼
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當然,以上是根據我個人風格而提出的建議,沒必要全都接納。8964 copyright protection516PENANAmdUQVNtSEx 維尼
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説完了三大要點,原本打算就此結束,畢竟就快趕不上期限,但……8964 copyright protection516PENANAPHjtcc3sZ5 維尼
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我在瀏覽最新章節時,發現了一些怪怪的東西:8964 copyright protection516PENANALnayrzjoji 維尼
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是因爲我跳章而忽略了一些設定嗎?8964 copyright protection516PENANAoqZHZbVCgp 維尼
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感覺他們説話的方式很奇怪,而且很不通順,就……逗號出現得有點過於頻密。8964 copyright protection516PENANAX8ETZQ4QxA 維尼
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若是我,會刪掉一些逗號:8964 copyright protection516PENANAmucKvpxPei 維尼
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對了,既然説到對白,就針對這方面説一説好了,首先請看以下這幾段對白:8964 copyright protection516PENANAZ9GhADauAK 維尼
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2)8964 copyright protection516PENANAHgYrPh1tso 維尼
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3)8964 copyright protection516PENANATnamwAcuRp 維尼
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4)8964 copyright protection516PENANA6A6UfMVKU9 維尼
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有沒有發現,這四段對白都很長?8964 copyright protection516PENANA9D3VP4pohJ 維尼
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閲讀那些對白時,給我的感覺不是那位角色在説話,而是作者在灌輸資訊給讀者,並且是以非常生硬的方式。8964 copyright protection516PENANAXRkcbwRMtp 維尼
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換句話説,對白不自然。8964 copyright protection516PENANAqjMniOv84J 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANAdZ2BJg88p4
8964 copyright protection516PENANADowkIdh78X 維尼
拿第一個例子來説,醫生説了常睦民的病症名時,最好插一段媽媽詢問何時才會痊愈,然後醫生才回答「可能一小時後就會沒事……(省略)……觀察後再下定論。」。8964 copyright protection516PENANAlvNrIYaCwa 維尼
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至於第二個例子,當常睦民問了「神諭?」後,我會讓騰芳唸出「天異變……(省略)……將赤身降世。」。之後才通過角色之間的一問一答,把騰芳那一段資訊自然地讓讀者知道。8964 copyright protection516PENANAgz8cqEZt68 維尼
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第三個例子也是來自騰芳,依舊建議切碎資訊,自然地呈現出來。8964 copyright protection516PENANAYNRkbvJuL0 維尼
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第四個例子,我覺得可以安排西賓將粉末撒在黃球附近後,才解釋說要把米糠佈滿餌食的周圍。8964 copyright protection516PENANAIlqHZ52Fg3 維尼
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其實我有想過另一個可能性,那就是上面説話的角色都是NPC,才會出現這種把資訊灌輸給常睦民的不自然現象。8964 copyright protection516PENANAlX17mCTVY9 維尼
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如果真的是NPC,那最好多點跡象表明他們真的只是NPC,以避免勸退讀者。8964 copyright protection516PENANAC8TQHCXVMV 維尼
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想説的就這些。8964 copyright protection516PENANAn7DXZa8GN3 維尼
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總的來説,《在異世界?的那些事》是一部表面跟隨主流,但其實作者另有盤算(?)的作品。如果大家看膩了一般的異世界作品,那麽歡迎過來閲讀《在異世界?的那些事》,而我本身也會繼續閲讀下去。8964 copyright protection516PENANAmLbK0K7Uet 維尼
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連結:https://www.penana.com/article/7889898964 copyright protection516PENANA1QvMxkY8U8 維尼
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就寫到這裏,感謝大家的閲讀,緬因吉加油!8964 copyright protection516PENANA5oXiMegvQj 維尼
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再次重申,以上是根據我個人風格而提出的建議,沒必要全都接納。8964 copyright protection516PENANAbu5DjtaenA 維尼
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創作並非考試,沒有絕對一百巴仙正確的答案,也沒有什麽「故事應該這樣寫」,更沒有什麽「寫小説教學的内容,神聖不可侵犯」。8964 copyright protection516PENANAtcFHKtnF5A 維尼
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創作,不該被「單一化」。8964 copyright protection516PENANArsT6VLd8z7 維尼
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創作,應該是自由的。8964 copyright protection516PENANAUTE83IU7xt 維尼
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