YOU
You're just starting high school. You've been told that it was going to suck ass completely, but you brushed it off and tried to see the good in education. You don't know that people create you. You're being tested and judged every second of your life. They create your very insecurities from a simple word. Ugly. Dumb. Nothing. Worthless. Stop trying! You're being a fool. It doesn't matter how many times you ignore them, you know deep down...They're right.
No one really knows how hard you try, nor do they care. As long as you give them exactly what they want. No matter the pain and suffering, they want more. Eventually, you give up. You are just a human, staring in the mirror of your reflection, dreaming of having a face just like theirs.
It doesn’t matter what mask you want to put on today, smile and show confidence, it helps them finally quit the insults. You completely snap out of reality and wonder about those few people. “Why do they care?”. It’s never going to change, all you’re going to be left with is simple. “Goodbye..”.
The fear of losing them is tearing you apart, but you keep going. Like pushing through the thick snow, trying to reach the warmth in their heart, but suddenly it all fades. What happened? You keep trying to find light in the situation, but it leads you to a darker feeling. Maybe all of this isn’t worth it?
-KARMA-
A chronic illness they say, most things as evil as yourself cannot be so afraid of change. Those thoughts could traumatize even the strongest man.
Fake feelings are complemented with such awful thoughts of what your reputation would become after they find out what you did. Of what you want to do. It hurts you just thinking about it. The guitar was always your favorite. You once told a friend, with a look of disgust on her face you switched to flute immediately, we wouldn’t want to be different than all of the others right? Sadly, the guitar became popular amongst other students. You could've been noticed...So distant, the feeling of hatred crosses your mind. You stare at them 24/7, observing when they smile. Studying for something other than a test, or more like a confidence test. When they realize someone is observing them, you quickly turn away. Wouldn’t want to look like a stalker eh? Their friends caught you. Now they're talking shit about you.
"God, they're so weird. What the fuck are they staring at?" They ask, laughing.67Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8pijasqQjF
What is so important about them? They have their problems, as do you, but you struggle to see that they aren't real. They pretend, as do you. They cry at night, wondering if they'll ever be good enough, as do you. They cut deep, feeling the pain. As do you...
You just want to be stared at, watched. At least you have the chance to call someone a loser, because of your popularity, or status. It really isn’t a big deal. Wondering why “The kid version” of you had no problem with popularity. You care too much about what they think, you even thought of suicide. Maybe they would miss you, but maybe they don’t even know that you exist. They’re very plausible actions.
Your eyes won’t stay open, too tired to think, too tired to be jealous. Too tired to hate them.
You stayed up all night, thinking about them. You hate them, so much jealousy, you can’t erase the thought of your revenge. You envy them. You wish they were dead.
-CONFIDENCE-
One of the very things you lack. Confidence isn’t just a free handout. You walk around slouching, you have bags under your eyes, but most importantly you are the quietest kid in your class. You think everyone hates you or thinks you’re weird. Oh, how you wish you were like them, but they pay no attention to you. You don’t have the confidence. What if you were friends?
Your thoughts are dark, but they pay no mind. Maybe, just maybe, that therapist of yours could start helping. No? Alright, your choice. I'm just suggesting help.
You don’t want help, help is for weaklings. You are already the weird kid, you don’t want to be known as the easy target. You have an idea. How coincidental. An evil thought, not murder, but lies.
They have done nothing to you, but they need to pay. You pull out your phone and start typing the most fowl things a person could possibly think of. God, you smile so maliciously it makes me uncomfortable.
How manipulative.
Surely you might know this is horrible, but you don’t stop to think. The thought of revenge is making you happy.
You don’t want to be left in the dust, such a pity.
All for your own amusement, you decide to ruin someone else’s life. Miserable to make someone else.
-GUILT-
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Why would you do that? How stupid you must feel. Those words spread like wildfire, you didn’t expect it to be so popular. Your satisfaction is other people’s pain and/or sadness. You are a sadistic person. How dare you feel so much hate, when you look back at this, will you remember the wrongs you’ve made? Your heart is heavy, you watch them circle around them and laugh. Their self-esteem is draining, you can see the pain in their eyes. You can’t handle the guilt, maybe you should leave. Or apologize? It’s all your fault. You’ve gone cold. What have you done?... They don't know it was you. In fact, only one person knows. You. You're guilty.
-MENTAL-
The mental stress is messing with your head, what do you do now? You can’t delete it, you don’t even try. All you do is look in a mirror and touch your face, hoping that despite completely destroying their life, you can be like them. That’s all it is, you want to be someone else SO badly, nothing could stop you. You’ll do anything to be someone other than yourself, what is so bad about you that you need to change? No matter how many people, or how many times you’ve heard “Oh they're beautiful!”. You never realized they were talking about you.
How subtle your mind is.
Every time you look in the mirror, it cracks a little, not because you are ugly, but because that poor mirror can’t hold all those people you pose to be. You feel like a loser, I mean, you don’t have those fancy clothes, nor do you have any friends. Especially, you look like how you do.
This feeling haunts you, what can you change? Another night, laying in bed dreaming of what could possibly happen to that poor bitch, but that isn’t the way you see it. You see them as a revenge-seeking parasite. A leech for attention, one that never stops stealing. What you don’t realize is that you’ve become what you thought they were. Your sense of self-worth is too influenced by body shape and weight. It matters none. You ask her how she’s doing, and sadly they replied. “It’s not of your business, so refrain from prying into my life.”.
Do you think they know? Of course, they do, you stare at them, give them dirty looks, and observe their every move. Who wouldn’t know? It was the person in the black hoodie.
-REFLECTION-
Oh, how you despise mirrors. It shows the monster you’ve become. You don’t like the truth, it frames your mind, keeps you thinking. What if this would’ve never happened? Would you still think the same way, feeling the hatred and shame that you should feel? What if you were beautiful? It doesn’t matter, the mirror would still break. It’s like a game, like Guess Who, what a perfect description of your brain, trying to figure out who you want to be today. What a very strange sequence. You are a rough draft, looking at the reflection of a person you don’t know anymore. How despicable, what they did to you. They told you, they fed you lies. Telling you that your life never mattered.
Well, you couldn’t say any different.
Why do you always feel alone? Defenseless you… You are broken, you can’t figure out your purpose to breathe. You are broken like the mirror you look into, you are broken like the pieces of your mind. If only you could be fixed...By what? By who? The things you put into your body, to save the pain.
They break you more than anything. They destroy you, you drink your pain, you smoke your pain. Now you’ve burnt the mirror, not just broken it, burnt it. You’ve soaked and burnt that mirror. All it was trying to do was help you see. It was trying to help you see your reflection.
-REGRET-
You can’t do anything about it, they have been destroyed. Why do you still want to be like them? You are confused, you are wondering. Why haven’t they hurt me yet? They're tired, of years of making other people happy, and jealous. Tired.
You feel their pain and realize what you’ve done. Jealousy got the best of you. I mean, after all, you couldn’t help yourself, and you definitely weren’t going to.
How hard is it to finally accept?.
You aren’t young anymore. The feeling of revenge and sadness made your heart warmer, it soon grew cold. The guilt and regret have taken over your soul. You have no choice.
-UNDONE-
You’ve completely come undone. You aren’t yourself anymore. What happened to you? Where did the real you go? Her mother is on the way, cursing at her for those words that she “Used” during her Instagram post.
You know It was wrong, but you can’t undo anything, any of the pain, trauma, bullying you’ve caused. Wowzers, and to think you were getting better. Your arms are cold, you forgot the watch your father gave you at home. How weird? You never forget that watch, the transparent watch never leaves your wrist, and then you realize...It was under your pillow this whole time..But, you still have a school day to go through, and then tomorrow a party, and then the next day, a scolding because your grades weren’t good enough. What a pity. Your eyes are blurred. How did you come undone this fast? You had amazing grades and amazing friends. Where did they go?
-PAIN-
You get home, tired, and broken. They made fun of you all night. If only you were good enough…...Oh, how you wish that you were loved. Oh how you wish the pain would go away for good.
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THE END OF YOU-
You sit in your room, wondering why it had to be this way. If only you were her...Perfect, beautiful...If only you weren’t YOU. You pick it up, hold it to your neck, and that's it? You're not really going to do it right? That would be the end of you. I guess you don't need me anymore. Right?
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