Today I was sitting in a cafe, watching people come and go while I drank a cappuccino. Looking at their reactions and clothes. I was thinking about what their lives could be like.
I went into the city with my friend and she went to do a first aid course while I thought I'd wait in a cafe nearby.
I'm thinking about so much right now. The future, the past and the ppresent. How I went from straight to queer and how it impacted everyone around me. How hormones make me feel more like myself. How I became so susceptible to being used just because I now have a nurturing nature. Even just having emotions feels different. Seeing a friend cry and wanting to hold them. Laying close to someone you care about and feeling happy and whole. It's not something I would have really noticed before hormones. On them though I don't take those little moments for granted anymore. In the past I would have just said that it felt "special" and "romantic" but now it actually does. Having emotions makes things so much better. Not that I didn't have them before, I just never understood them like I do now.
I've decided that for my friend being so supportive of her best friends transition and for accepting me as I am, that she deserves recognition. So I'm going to get her a beautiful ally badge. She even told me that I can explain to her boys anything to do with trans stuff and whatnot. That's a pretty huge thing and I feel honoured by it. I mean not as honoured as when she asked me to be her littlest ones godmother but still it meant a lot.
Her partner has been so angry and taking it out on her. I hate seeing how much it's upsetting her. Shes so loving and supportive and really doesn't deserve to be treated so poorly.
So what happened today with my partner? Well I was ready to break up with her but she made it clear that she had nowhere else to go. Plus I'm a huge softy and really care about her. I know I shouldn't let people walk all over me like that. It's just that I care too much. Heck, I've even gone out of the way to help people I hate. It's just who I am. I can't help but go above and beyond for everyone.
I've heard people like that are the unhappiest people. I try to make the most of the small things to be happier. Mostly though I try to make others around me happy and laugh. It's a neurodivergent thing I guess. I struggled in school so I preferred to make people laugh to ignore the fact that I didn't understand things properly. I've heard it is common amongst neurodivergent people though.
I understand my own emotions just not others. Some times I wish I could read minds so I knew what my friends and loved ones were thinking. Maybe even what they really thought of me.
-Jane
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