Avaz - You are the knife I turn inside myself

18.03.2023. 18:33

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𝒶 𝓁𝑒𝓉𝓉𝑒𝓇 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓎𝑜𝓊

I mourned all my loves between the pages of this book. In it, all of them will live forever with my wounded soul between the pages of a softcover book. Here, my soul is exposed as it used to be in front of them. And let lines, commas and periods judge them, don't hate them because without them I would never exude poetry. You who dare to read these poems, I beg you, do not willingly accept my wounds and take them upon you. The pain they bequeathed to me keeps my head up every day. 𝐻𝑒𝓁𝑒𝓃𝒶523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ITTWm5uQP

Here you will be able to read quotes and poems from my book of poetry and prose , which finally saw the light of day last year and is currently on the shelves of bookstores as well as in the home libraries of my readers in the Balkans.. I am currently translating the book into English, which means that it will be available in English soon. I hope you enjoy it. I am looking forward to your comments and impressions.523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡacNoQMW2mg

Franz Kafka — 'You are the knife I turn inside myself; that is love. That, my dear, is love.'523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzBUN4rVl6O

/absence/

you were not aware of how much your presence hurt me even though you were never there.

how the corrosive rain of my pupils ravaged my skin at your every silence in response to all my desperate calls to you.

how much all my waiting for you hurt me, even though I knew you would never come. 523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDWOGsK3Zbc

wherever my foot stepped, there was a trace of yours.

and you made sure that it remained there forever as a witness that you were alive,523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2gyXBk0v6v

to vouch as the only valid proof that you live through me.

you followed me consecutively,

and you tirelessly left pieces of yourself behind my bare feet that were looking for you.

which you cut into wholes and wholes into halves.

you were my most present absence.

still, with sworn silence, like a bullet you kill my voice while calling you.

when my silences take away your voice,

you will respond when you no longer have whose voice to hear in return.

my sobs fell silent, swallowed by your loud silence. 523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF18rXfPjsu

and again for the umpteenth time, I took you along as a stowaway.

and now I certainly know,

wherever I go,

at my final destination you will be waiting for me.

/salve/

Cerebral ventricles capitulate to fatigue.

At night I am judged by executioners from the shadows who stalk me.

At dawn demons hold my head upright.

Our symbiosis is deadly,

and I can't kill them in myself,

That would truly be suicide.

n i g h t t i m e 523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9VK6eu90Nc

The night surrendered to me,

corrosive eyelid rains destroy the skin,

the names of the victims are written on my body

the victims of my internal wars,

I am a woman of principle,

but you should be afraid of them,

Because you only served me pain

and salve with it,

so that your conscience doesn't burn you tomorrow,

but every diagnosis which you bequeathed to me,

burns every spot on my body,

Do you have a salve for that too?

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/south/

The voices of the underworld are calling my name,523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc5MOu6vigs

The letters echo in the order in which they were born,

Words of prayer infused with your name slide down my lips,

They crawled into me and created an internal disasters,

I can't contain my storms,

I'm begging the winds to carry you south.

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/emptiness/

You told me empty stories,523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9bc4mS8L6Z

Tamed me with a few words and I submited to them,

I kept blank pages for you,

Empty stories and an empty soul,

You filled the pages of my life with words full of pain,

The paper is soaked with tears,

My tears,

It's not worth five bucks,

Let alone one life,

My life,

And you are empty and fleeting,

Taming me and making me the victim of your existence,

my stationed self in your fleeting arms,

I'm just nothingness in the stacked lies of your emptiness,

Short-term absence and long-term presence among the emptiness of tamed words,

Empty stories of sad emotions,

You buried me with your declarations of love.

/coincidence/

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if by coincidence

you happen to meet me somewhere

only just if you believe in coincidences

meet my eyes, stealthily

like the first time

when our eyes kissed

and turned world into dark blue

look at mine, for just a second longer than the last time

extend my memory of them

and how brown and blue colored the world

be a painter just one more time

let my pupils see the world in dark blue again

your blue and my brown eyes, the world is our canvas.

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/autunm/

in autunm i bloomed523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9JYHlLAanH

by your side

when everything around me withered

i fell in love with you in October

when everything dies in autunm's arms

but i was resurrected by yours.

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/chapter/

we may not have had523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXDsHusNtPh

a happy ending

but we had a story to tell

and i will always return

to the chapter you are in

you may have been the wrong chapter in the book of my life

but you will always be my favorite.

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/game of scissors/

I lie naked in your arms523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVORa0de6Bh

How much does uncovered skin cost?

How much is what is hidden in it sold for

What is the price?

What consequences does this act cause?

You pay dearly for your actions

With a cheap soul

You live this life in debt

You made incisions in my bosom

My skin is bleeding from your cuts

You take a needle and thread

and you patch me up like a doll

Because that's all I really am

A patched doll

You open wounds as needed and patch them up

I lie helpless in your arms

You pull the strings and I play as you wish

A tangled knot tightens my neck,

game of scissors,

The threads stay behind me and I don't drag them with me

The cross section.

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/soulmate/

And I just hope,523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOZRKGuezgT

when my soulmate comes across me,

that there is anything left of this soul of mine.

/forgiveness/

How many times have you killed me and revived me,523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGO6pQ9QG0p

Immortality became my mortal sin,

This is my confession,

if there is anything left to forgive,

I believe in forgiveness.

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/glances/

I only get hidden glances from you523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvDDq3TE5HM

but they are also a part of you

And how can I then convince myself that I don't have you at all.

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/van gogh/

In desperation, Van Gogh ate yellow paint to find happiness,523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdAFDGjnwZn

he painted the walls of his internal organs yellow,

even though with that act

he poisoned himself ,

in desperation he risked,

desperately wanting to be happy,

same as me,

I digested your lies for a long time,

desperate for them to dissolve into truth,

until I got stomach poisoning

my organs turned black.

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/adriatic/

Italy and the Adriatic Sea523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnHrrVX7G9h

are grateful for my tears

on increasing salinity

when I was suffocating in the sea of my own tears.

in the seas you will see my reflection.

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/new page/

and every time I turn a new page in the book of my life523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYI7apklzPS

i would write your name on it first

you turned my every dot into a comma.,

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/friends/

And all the demons I took with me after I crossed the threshold523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyhJJCt0XYV

kept my head straight

And they never let me look back.

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/sale/

I am shamelessly buying your lies523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcalDECulVU

Like they are on sale

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/hunger strike/

And as long as you feed your ego with those who are just passing by523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoty0sn23QV

Your soul will remain hungry for the stationed me.

You are on hunger strike but you are full.

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/Helen of Troy/

Your beauty is worth of all my inner wars,523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO2LRUUslLR

It justifies my every bloody battle,

Just as Helen's beauty long ago justified all the Trojan suffering.

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/wish/

You are my secret desire 523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2k8vdU5GjD

that I fear will come true

the moment I no longer desire you.

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/failure/

There are too many tears in this cup,523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkycl1GIZxT

Sweet wine and salty sin,

You leave a bitter taste on my lips,

The taste of failure,

Wrong lips,

So like a seal on my body,

You leave the date of my judgment,

You accuse me of sin and crime,

You will be the death to me.

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/sea of pain/

His eyes were blue like the wild waves of a rough sea that made me want to tame them. There is no doubt that they sensed trouble.

Maybe that was my warning, that a storm was coming, and that these waves would turn into something bigger.523Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNifa8sLRIc

Tsunami.

Who will take me with him.

I am just a ship fighting against the current of the waves in his eyes, which kept pulling me back into the past.

You lifted the anchor and made me sail with you into the sea of pain.

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